It’s been 3 years.

3 ing years since they broke up. Well, technically, they didn’t really broke up. It was— it’s just that, his boyfriend died in an accident right before their 4th anniversary.

Jackson really wished that even if he really did broke up with Kunpimook, the younger would still be alive, safe and sound; even if he was with another person. It would still hurt him, but it’s better to know that he’s fine and breathing.

Of course he misses Kunpimook. He hasn’t been the same ever since the incident that took away his other half happened. It broke him. He can never ever imagine a live without Kunpimook. A world without that Thai native named Kunpimook Bhuwakul is a world he never would want to live in. And he has to live in it now. He has to go on without Kunpimook.

They had it all planned out.

They even had a vision of their future together. About how they would get married and adopt a daughter, or a son— or maybe even both. Get a house, a big house with a garden so the kids can play there. They’d also get dogs— pugs, they’d get 2 pugs. And their friends would come visit them sometimes, gathered around the living room in their house. Mark, Jinyoung, Jaebum, Youngjae, Yugyeom— everyone. Everyone would be there. Their kids would play in the backyard, and they would all watch it together. They would watch their kids grow up together. They would raise their kids together.

It was nice to think about that and how he’d do it all with Kunpimook.

But they didn’t. They didn’t get to do that.

They didn’t even get to celebrate Kunpimook’s 22nd birthday. Jackson misses him.

Jackson misses him dearly. He misses how Kunpimook would get mad at him if he doesn’t eat or skips a meal, misses how Kunpimook would go to his office and brought him food; homemade food. He misses Kunpimook’s warmth pressed up against his body— his smell, his soft hair, and him nagging Jackson to let go when Jackson back hugged him when he’s cooking.

He misses the way Kunpimook would smile at him, it was always so gentle and soft. And the sound of Kunpimook’s laughter— It wasn’t pretty, Jackson had to admit that. But that obnoxious and almost maniacal loud laughter always made him smile, because there’s something comforting in that laugh. It felt like home, because it’s Kunpimook’s— and he misses it. He misses holding Kunpimook, he misses how they’d argue over stupid things and get mad at each other only to laugh it all off 5 minutes later, and they’d kiss. They’d kiss and they’d touch each other— It amazes Jackson how touching Kunpimook always felt like it was their first time, wondered how it was possible that every time felt like a first.

Kunpimook had once admitted, between ragged breaths that he also wonders how every touch of Jackson’s fingers still had him melting, his insides twisting even after years of being together.

Jackson sighed, he shouldn’t be like this. He should be able to let go of Kunpimook, he should, right? But it was too hard. It’s hard when all he ever wanted was to be with Kunpimook, was to spend the rest of his life with Kunpimook.

Their memories, all of their memories together— how could he forget them? How could he let go of all of them? He can’t. Because he felt if he lets go, all remains of Kunpimook will be gone from his life. And there would be no Kunpimook, and he don’t want that.

He felt the tears welling up in his eyes, it’s July 14th— the day Kunpimook left him. He was going home from work that day, he had bought a cake for their anniversary, he had bought a gift for Kunpimook. And they had a reservation at a restaurant downtown. He even bought a ing ring, he was going to propose to Kunpimook.

It was when Jackson had just parked his car at their garage, he got a call from Jinyoung.

“Where the hell are you?! Bambam got into a hospital. Get here right now!”

“What? Which hospital?!” He says, his heart beating fast as worries washes through him. Thoughts filled with ‘Is Kunpimook okay? Is he fine?’

“Huntington!” Jinyoung shouted through the line before he hung up.

Jackson got his car out immediately from the garage as he sped up through the road to get to the hospital. His mind was filled with thoughts of Kunpimook, and even if there’s just the slightest bit of hurt on Kunpimook’s face or a bruise anywhere on his body, Jackson doesn’t want to see that. He needs Kunpimook to be safe.

He has to be safe.

It took him 10 minutes to get to the hospital, with him going as fast as he can. And although the drive there might drive him mad, he was glad to get to the hospital— but when he saw the expression of his friends’ faces, his stomach sunk.

He panted, his breathing slightly erratic as he managed a low, “Where’s he?”

No one replied to him, they all stayed quiet with frowns plastered all over their faces. And Jackson knew that something was wrong. Something was wrong with Kunpimook. He felt the warm liquid streams down his face as he stayed still, body shaking.

That’s when Jaebum pulled him into a hug, and the elder waited for Jackson to calm down to break the news. When Jackson did finally calm down, he sat down on one of the seats, all of his and Kunpimook’s friends gathered around him.

Jinyoung was the one who told him, “He’s gone, Jackson. I’m sorry.” As Jinyoung breaks into tears himself.

“Where’s he?” Jackson croaked out, he needed to see Kunpimook.

Yugyeom showed him to Kunpimook’s room. To be honest, Jackson isn’t ready to do this— he would never be ready for this. P

When he saw Kunpimook laying lifeless on the bed, he started crying again— he ran towards the body, clutching it tightly against his chest.

“D-don’t leave me alone, you promised me that we would get married... Y-you—” He said between choked breaths, he put his shaking hands to the pocket on his jacket and pulled out a small dark blue box. “Wh— Kunpimook, Kunpimook— please, come back. Please.”

He knew fully well that Kunpimook wouldn’t— couldn’t come back even if the boy wanted to. While clutching the dark blue box in his hand and hugging Kunpimook’s body tightly in his arms, he just cried and cried till his friend had to drag him out of the room.

The funeral was even worser to Jackson. Because it made him realize that Kunpimook is truly gone, that he can’t and won’t be beside him when he comes home to sleep tonight. He won’t be there to welcome him home.

And he had to see Kunpimook’s parents. He had to see his mother-in-law crying while hugging him tightly telling him that he can get over this and that he needs to move on.

He knows. He knows he needs to move on. But it’s not easy. 4 years isn’t a short ing time. Everything they’ve been through, and all their memories. How could he just get over that? It’s not easy.

As Jackson watched Kunpimook’s casket being lowered into the ground, his heart sank down with it. Kunpimook is really gone for good now; and it hurts like hell.

It hurts like hell even after 3 years. It hurts like hell when all of Kunpimook’s belonging is still in their house, it remains untouched. And Jackson hasn’t put them away either. All of Kunpimook’s crazy expensive clothes and shoes, it’s all still in their closet. His towels, his pillows— everything. Everything is still here. He doesn’t even want to put them away. It has Kunpimook’s scent, the only thing that’s keeping him from going insane.

He still thinks that it was his fault for letting Kunpimook drive alone that day. He still blames himself for Kunpimook’s death. He can’t even see Kunpimook’s parents in the same way anymore because he felt guilty. He felt guilty that he can’t protect Kunpimook properly. They visit him frequently, just to ask how he’s doing, or they’d just have a meal together and talk. They never talk about Kunpimook, though. And they never take Kunpimook’s stuff from Jackson, they knew the wound is still fresh for him, just like how it was for them. But, no, they knew that it wasn’t Jackson’s fault— it was an accident. The Hong Kong native never seems to get it, though. He always blames himself for it.

He drove down the road to get to the cemetery. He bought flowers— roses, a bouquet of roses for Kunpimook. It took him almost 20 minutes to get there.

When he arrived, he grabbed the roses from the passenger’s seat and got out of the car and walked into the small cemetery.

It was a cold winter day— bitterly cold and humid. It was the type to force you to breath into your hands, making them clammy and cold, only to repeat the process a few minutes passing because cold had taken over again.

You have to keep your face covered with a scarf, and the tips of your fingers are in actual pain, as well as your toes, even when you thought you had them bundled up. It’s okay, though. Since he’s about to visit Kunpimook.

It snowed last night, making every steps that Jackson takes leaves a trail along the road. That reminds him, it also snowed when they first met over 4.5 years ago. 

In the corner of the cemetery, just below a tree— tree that’s already bare of leaf, 6ft down on the ground, there lies Kunpimook. Jackson smiles sorrowfully when he arrived at Kunpimook’s tombstone as he placed the bouquet there.

He stared at it, his tombstone already engraved with his name and date of birth and the date of his demise. Then he slowly bent down to see the grave, he reached his hand to touch the tombstone, to caress it, and he kneeled down and kissed the stone. He can feel the tears starting to come up again. He wishes he can hold it back— at least in front of Kunpimook’s grave. But he couldn’t.

He managed to put a small smile on his face, “Kunpi, i miss you.” He pauses, “We all misses you. Are you doing fine there? I’m fine here. I haven’t been skipping any of my meals. If— if only I could have you back just for a little while— Then... then we could sit and talk again just like we used to. You would bring me meals to my office—” Jackson bites his lips to prevent any more tears from falling out. It hurts. It still hurts like hell and he still can’t do any of this.

“I’m sorry.” He says. “I love you, Kunpimook. I love you so much. If you were here— we’d be married right now. We’d adopt kids. We’d get pugs.”

He stayed silent for awhile, letting all of his own words sink into him. Oh, how he wishes that he’d be the one picking Kunpimook up from work that day instead of letting the younger drive alone. Yes, it’s no use to think about that now. It’d only make Jackson blames himself more for Kunpimook’s death.

“I just— I love you so much.”

And for a second, Jackson swears he can smell Kunpimook’s scent. He can smell it clearly. The smell that made him felt right at home. It’s as if Kunpimook is trying to say ‘I love you too’ to him. And normally, he doesn’t believe in things like this— hell, it sounds flipping ridiculous and impossible. But it’s Kunpimook— he swears it’s Kunpimook.

It’s Kunpimook’s smell.

He smiles, he smiles because he knows that Kunpimook is watching over him— and that he was still there, protecting and loving him from afar.

——

i dont know what the this is but i hope yall liked it!! :-) i cried when i wrote this because im such a jackbam trash lmao i had to stop for like 5 times because its making me so emo??? IT HIRTS SO MUCH OK I DONT KNWO

also, about the hospital... i just i dont know actually its a random one lmao

this but i Love Suffering™ and Pain™

id appreciate it if you all leave a comment down below about your thoughts on this story!! tHANK YOUUU FOR READING THIS