Love changes people.

It made me weaker, but it made him stronger.

 

I should have acknowledged that dating him would be a problem. I just knew it and now, looking back I have no idea why I said yes.

 

Perhaps because he was the first boy to ask me. So tall and nervous as he stood before me, a face I knew so well – one that was normally laughing or smiling bright – suddenly so tense and anxious.

“Nayeon,” Sanghyuk had said, voice wavering something awful. “Nayeon, I like you, will you go out with me?” The confession itself came as no surprise; when you spend roughly seven hours a day with someone five days a week and then still meet up on the weekends, you get a good idea of how they feel about you. And I knew Sanghyuk liked me. It was something I couldn’t ignore. No matter how much I tried. But his request, now, that surprised me. In fact it freaking blindsided me and I gaped at him, dumbly, until he laughed awkwardly and shifted to his other foot. “I guess not,” he said, aiming for light hearted but sounding more like hurt as he rubbed the back of his neck, making as if to turn away.

“No, wait!” I reached out and he turned back, cheeks flaming but didn’t meet my eyes.

“Please don’t make it worse,” he said softly, more downcast than I’d ever seen him, and the sight hurt my heart.

“Yes.” He looked at me then, eyes blown wide. I wasn’t thinking, I just didn’t want him to hurt. “Yes, I’ll go out with you.” I elaborated. He blinked, stood there for a moment, then he broke out into a massive smile.

“Will you really?” He asked, stepping closer, eyes filled with wonder.

“Yes, really.” I couldn’t help but smile back, even with that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even then.

 

Dates were, in a way, a moot point. We had no need to get to know each other and we already spent so much time together as it was, but he still made an effort. It was sweet.

The first time we went to the cinema together after I said yes was undeniably awkward. Expectation hung in the air when he met me at the bus stop but I was unsure what he wanted of me. He pulled me to the side and hugged me as soon as I stepped off just like usual, but he lingered and I didn’t know what to do.

“Sanghyuk,” I giggled, gently pushing at his arms, “you’re smothering me~” He let go when I stepped on his foot.

“Okay fine,” he replied, mouth twitching up into a smile. He held a hand out to me and I stared at it. “You… you’re supposed to hold it, you know,” he prompted. I knew, of course I knew, but it seemed so sudden even though we’d held hands before - now it would mean something more. I hesitated just a fraction of a second longer, seeing his expression shift just the tiniest bit, and then I took his hand. Why was I so bothered by something so small? It was stupid.

The film itself was good, actually, but I was on edge the whole time. Hyper aware of where Sanghyuk’s knee pressed into the side of my thigh and his hand resting on the arm rest between us. I realised quickly that he most likely wanted to hold my hand but it took me a while to build myself up enough to actually allow it, sliding my hand into his.

There was, of course, nothing to be afraid of, he was a comforting and familiar presence beside me; he was my friend. He was exactly the same Sanghyuk as before and I was being silly. By the time the film ended, our hands, fingers intertwined, were resting in his lap and we walked out together chatting and arguing just like usual. He was fun to be around and I wondered how I had, seemingly, temporarily forgotten just how entertaining he could be. I felt far more at ease.

 

Going to each other’s houses now also held a different weight and, in fact, incurred awkwardness on both our parts, but that too soon normalised and it felt just like it had before we started going out. In fact, not a lot changed at all at first. I could almost forget that we were dating. But then…

 

We were sat on the floor leaning back against Sanghyuk’s bed and watching cartoons, Gravity Falls, Star vs The Forces of Evil, that sort of thing. At some point, his hand had settled on my knee where he was now – very distractingly – drawing little circles through my jeans. I couldn’t focus on the screen even slightly. His touch tickled a little, light and absentminded.

I leaned against him and he turned his gaze on me.

“What?” I asked after a long moment, watching as his eyes searched my face.

“Can I kiss you?” My stomach did this weird flippy thing. I knew he’d probably wanted to for a while but it made me feel so warm inside that he’d asked, that he didn’t just assume that it was okay. I nodded, shifted round to face him better. His face was in shadow as he turned to face me, his hand disappearing from my knee and shortly reappearing on my shoulder.

It felt like time was slowing as he leaned in towards me, I held my breath, allowing my eyes to fall closed as his mouth tentatively met mine. I could practically feel the nerves coming off him in waves and I’m sure I was the same but I pressed forwards anyway. His lips were soft, his touch delicate as, emboldened, he pulled me closer. I climbed into his lap, straddling him just before we broke apart.

“Wow,” he breathed, gazing at me with such awe it made me a little uneasy but then he kissed me again and those doubts were gone, vanished with my caution as his arms wound around my waist and his lips parted against mine. I felt tiny, but in a good way – like he could surround me with his warmth and I’d never have to give it up. I held onto him, allowing my mouth to open just the slightest bit.

It was nice, kissing him. I forgot my worries.

I pulled back with a smile, my lips wet, my cheeks flushed and he gazed back, looking happier than I’d ever seen him and it hurt. I realised in that moment that I could only give him temporary happiness; I couldn’t see a future with him. I didn’t want to do anything more than kiss him, and, in fact, despite the fact it was already happening, I was reluctant to date him. We could not last.

And even as I gifted him a dazed smile and shifted back out of his lap, the guilt sat heavy in my belly.

What a mess I’d got myself into.

 

And that brings me to now. Weeks later, although I shouldn’t have let things drag on. I know I shouldn’t; it’s not fair to play with a person like that. But the way Sanghyuk looks at me… I don’t want to ruin those loving carefree smiles. I don’t want to burst the bubble that’s floated him so high I think it might break him if he were to fall.

But I have to.

 

My doorbell rings and I rush downstairs, realising belatedly that I’m wearing his jumper, oversized and warm, reaching halfway down my thighs so it looks like I’m wearing nothing underneath. My hair is up in a messy, rushed ponytail. I’m a mess but it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before.

“Sanghyuk!” I greet him overly cheerily as I yank open the door and he tilts his head at me curiously.

“Are you okay?” He asks as he steps inside, shucking off his shoes and giving me a careful once over.

“YES!” I respond a little too fast, a little too loud, and he frowns visibly. “No.” I admit. “I don’t know.” I’m reaching breaking point. I really can’t do this anymore.

“Can’t do what anymore?” He asks, and I blink. I didn’t mean to say that aloud. But, perhaps, now is as good a time as any. I slip my feet into a pair of pumps, encouraging him to put his shoes back on and he does, worry in his eyes but he doesn’t voice it. Not yet. He follows me silently through the house and out of the back door which I close softly behind us before leading the way down to the end of the garden. He kneels down to give me a leg up to climb the fence like always.

It’s dusk and the sun is setting as I scramble over the fence, painting the sky in pretty pinks and oranges, making me feel worse about everything. But I can’t cry. This is all my fault so I can’t cry about this.

I wait until Sanghyuk drops down beside me before I start walking out through the meadow. The tall grass and flowers brush past my legs and tickle my fingertips as I move further out towards the center, Sanghyuk following on my heels. His silence is unnerving and strange but maybe, just maybe he has sensed where this is going.

He hasn’t tried to hold my hand once.

 

There’s a clear patch in the center of the meadow where the grass is cut short and if you lay down here, no one can see you from the edges. I drop down as soon as I reach it, already feeling drained and Sanghyuk drops down and turns over onto his back beside me.

“Nayeon,” is all he says as he flings an arm up over his eyes.

“I can’t keep this up,” I murmur after the silence has already stretched far too long and thing, the air fraught with tension and everything that has, until now, gone unspoken. “Hyuk,” I say, turning to look at him and seeing that he is not looking back at me, rather staring up at the sky, face taut, “I should have… I should have said this before.” Finally, his eyes meet mine and I almost choke on the next words. “I don’t love you like I should, not like someone who’s dating you.” He nods and somehow that’s worse than him trying to convince me otherwise. “I can’t, I can’t see us going anywhere and I-” It’s then that Ii start crying because he isn’t reacting – his face is blank and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I can’t tell if he’s mad or upset or just plain indifferent and I really don’t like it. But, a few seconds later, voice soft and considered, he speaks.

“It’s okay,” he reassures me, although I don’t deserve it, “I guess I… kind of figured. You didn’t seem that into me and… I never even thought you would say yes.” I cried a little harder, realising that he had probably known all this time. “We’ll be okay.” He tells me firmly, then pulls me down on top of him and wraps me in his arms. “We’ll be okay.” We both pretend that we don’t hear his voice crack.

 

When I glance up at his face, moments later, I can see that he too is crying in the evening light. I just burrow into his arms even further.

 

I’m sorry.

 

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omg i wrote a straight thing O_O lol ~