(this fic was originally published by me on my livejournal here)

 

The door creaked as Kyungsoo opened it. The room was dark aside from the light slipping through the open window. He continued further inwards. A broken glass lay at the base of the refrigerator. He bent down and lifted it up, recoiling when the glass nipped his finger and pearls of red dribbled down the palm of his hand. He hadn’t realized that, during all of the chaos, he had dropped it. The spilled orange juice still puddled on ceramic, but Kyungsoo walked onwards - to the table.

 

The table was bare aside from the second copy of the resume Jongin had been working on and a small envelop. Kyungsoo purposely avoided the envelop and went to grab the resume instead. Jongin had been so worried about getting a job to help out with payments on their apartment. Kyungsoo had constantly insisted that his own job plus money gifted from his parents more than covered it, but Jongin had his pride. He was applying for a part time job teaching children at the dance studio he frequented (he made a resume even though the instructor assured him he’d get the job regardless). It wasn’t much, but it was something and Jongin was proud of himself. Kyungsoo was proud too. Jongin had always made him proud.

 

He arranged the papers and set them aside, moving to the bedroom next. The door was already opened, Kyungsoo wished it wasn’t. That meant Jongin wasn’t home. Chills crept up Kyungsoo’s spine as he crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed. He fell back into the sheets. The stale scent of citrus shampoo still clung to them. Kyungsoo promised himself he’d wash them tomorrow. But for now he buried his face into the pillows and breathed in.

 

And breathed out. And left the room.

 

He returned the the kitchen, narrowly avoiding the glass on the floor, and opened the fridge. In a plastic container innocently sat the galbi he had made for Jongin the night before. His gaze lingered over it, but he pulled out a bottle of melon flavored soda instead. He uncapped it, tilted his head back, and let the fizz run down his throat. He didn’t like melon.

 

He sat down on the couch, but didn’t make any move to turn on the television. The blank screen stared back at him as he took another sip. He could see his reflection in the blackness but it wasn’t clear enough to show the purpling bags under his eyes. Leaning deeper into the couch he rolled his head to the side and glanced at the bookshelf. Right between ‘Macbeth’ and ‘Pride and Prejudice’ was a tiny black case. Kyungsoo let his face fall into his hands, and the tears fell.

 

-

 

Jongdae had always been the one who dragged Kyungsoo everywhere, introducing him to all of his friends, trying to hook him up with random strangers neither of them even knew. Most of the time Kyungsoo would stay quietly off to the side, not wanting to intrude on Jongdae’s conversations with his other friends. And through all of Jongdae’s setting him up with women that were “super ing hot, Kyungsoo don’t you think so?” Kyungsoo would simply smile and decline. His excuse usually being that he was too busy with work for a relationship, but both Jongdae and himself knew that was bull.

 

So Jongdae’s efforts persisted, and Kyungsoo never had the nerve to tell him that the real problem with Jongdae’s choice in girls was that Kyungsoo didn’t even like girls to begin with.

 

It was one partly-cloudy afternoon when Jongdae dragged Kyungsoo to the downtown cafe with him for a double date that he met Jongin.

 

The bell chimed and two short girls with sleek brown hair crossed the cafe to sit in the seats Jongdae had reserved for them. Even when seated the girls looked quite tiny. Jongdae had a rule that every girl he even considered dating had to be at least ten centimeters shorter than him.

 

“Hello, ladies.” Jongin pulled a smirk over his face and planted his chin on his palm. The two of them just giggled and waved. Kyungsoo almost outwardly rolled his eyes.

 

“Hey, Kyungsoo.” One of the two piped up and bit her lip in an attempt to seem coy.

 

Kyungsoo grimaced, “Hi.”

 

An arm forcefully wrapped around the back of his neck, trapping him in a headlock.

 

“Oh don’t mind him, he’s just shy.” Jongdae covered, flicking Kyungsoo upside the head as if trying to say don’t this up for me. Getting the message, Kyungsoo tied on a fake smile. The two girls giggled again and cooed.

 

“Hey, what can I get for you guys.” The waiter suddenly approached, notepad in hand.

 

“Two low-fat mochaccinos please, hold the whip!” The two girls chirped together and it was Jongdae’s turn to coo. Kyungsoo held down his breakfast.

 

“Make that three!” Jongdae shot the girls a smile, “And one strawberry chocolate cupcake!”

 

“Double-shot americano for me.” Kyungsoo sighed, holding the menu up for the waiter to take.

 

“Alright, coming right up!”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes flicked up just in time to catch an amused grin pass by his face before he headed back behind the counter in a sweep of dark hair and citrus.

 

The waiter came back a few times to make sure everyone was enjoying their drinks, and Kyungsoo tried his very best not to stare the entire time he did so. However his eyes trailed more often than not over to the counter rather than at his “date”.

 

It wasn’t until after they had finished their drinks and decided to head out that Kyungsoo approached the counter. He had already assured Jongdae that he would be fine on his own and that he should accompany the two girls. Jongdae reluctantly accepted and took a girl in each arm before heading out the door.

 

He stood for a few minutes, switching his weight from one foot to another before clearing his throat. The dark haired waiter rushed out from the back, “Yes?”

 

Kyungsoo fished a paper out from his back pocket. Jongdae had always insisted he keep a slip of paper with his number on it at all times, “never know when you’ll meet someone you like.”

 

The waiter looked confused but reached for the paper regardless.

 

“Call me.” Was all Kyungsoo could squeeze out before his feet were already hurling him through the doors.

 

-

 

The movie had already ended - it was a comedy, but Kyungsoo vaguely remembered the plot. It was hard to focus on the movie when Kyungsoo was busy deciding whether he should lay his head on Jongin’s shoulder or intertwine their hands in the popcorn container. He opted for the shoulder because his hands would become too buttery from the popcorn and, while it seemed romantic in novels and film, it was most certainly unsanitary.

The credits had now begun to roll and Jongin stretched his arm out from behind Kyungsoo while the latter sheepishly lifted his head and straightened out his button-up before raising from his seat.

 

“Good movie.” Jongin said with a yawn, already leaving the isle.

 

“Yeah. That one guy... He was really funny.” Kyungsoo handed Jongin his unfinished soda that he left in the cupholder. Jongin took the bottle in one hand and held on to Kyungsoo’s with the other. Kyungsoo flushed, they’d already been dating for a month but he wasn’t yet used to the constant touches.

 

Jongin lead them out of the theater, a few odd looks were sent at their hands but no one said anything outright. When they were finally outside and around a corner Jongin released Kyungsoo and leaned back against the side of the building. It was quiet for awhile, other than the chatter of others leaving the theater and the revving of engines. Kyungsoo stuck his hands in and out of his pockets, unsure of what to do with them. Jongin took a sip of his soda.

 

“Would you like some?” He held the half empty bottle out to Kyungsoo who shook his head.

 

“It’s melon right? I’m not a huge fan.”

 

“Really? I could live off this stuff.”

 

“That’s seriously unhealthy.”

 

Jongin chuckled and shrugged, “I’ll die happy?”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes rolled and he took a daring step closer to Jongin’s spot on the wall.

 

“Kyungsoo...”Jongin started, Kyungsoo’s heart skipped at the sound of his name.

 

“Mm?”

 

“Can you come a little closer?”

 

Little tingles ran through his body, he hesitated before taking just one step forward and smiling cheekily. Jongin looked amused. He beckoned Kyungsoo with a finger, raising a single eyebrow. Kyungsoo took a half a step closer and raised his arms in a way that read what are you gonna do about it?

 

Apparently Jongin knew exactly what he was going to do because he lifted himself off of the wall and closed the distance between them.

 

Arms snuck through Kyungsoo’s and around his waist. Kyungsoo subconsciously leaned closer feeling already slightly intoxicated by the smell of musky cologne and citrus shampoo. There was a drumming in his chest and wings fluttering in his stomach.  He tilted his head up, they were mere breaths apart. Jongin hesitated for just a second, and in that second Kyungsoo had raised onto the balls of his feet and pressed their lips together.

 

When they pulled apart Jongin had this goofy smile that Kyungsoo was pretty sure was a reflection of his own.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin had been already together for a year before Jongin’s clothes found themselves in Kyungsoo’s closet. His parents had been fully supportive of Jongin’s move away from home, Kyungsoo’s apartment was just a few blocks of the elite college Jongin was attending and they agreed it would be good for Jongin to experience living away from home. But they hadn’t yet found out about their sons relationship, when Kyungsoo enquired Jongin simply said that he’d rather they were left in the dark.

 

Their arrangement was quite pleasant - Kyungsoo would go to work, Jongin to school, and they’d both return home in time to have dinner together. The food was made by Kyungsoo, Jongin often offered to help but he’d been banned by Kyungsoo from the kitchen after he almost burnt down the building from forgetting to turn the burner off.

 

Tonight Kyungsoo had been too lazy to prepare anything fancy so he fried up some kimchi rice and eggs, tossed them together in two bowls and slid one to Jongin across the counter. Jongin smiled sleepily and thanked him before digging in.  Kyungsoo turned off the stove and leaned over the counter to kiss the top of Jongin’s head.

 

Jongin looked up from his bowl with rice sticking to the corner of his lips, “What was that for?”

 

“For being perfect.” Kyungsoo fiddled with his apron.

 

Jongin grinned and leaned forward, cupping Kyungsoo’s cheek in his palm.

 

“You have rice on your lips.” Kyungsoo interrupted as Jongin went for a kiss.

 

Rather than pulling back and grabbing a napkin, Jongin leaned even closer, “Mind helping me with that?”

 

“Alright,” Kyungsoo breathed.

When Jongin’s eye fluttered shut and his lips parted, Kyungsoo slipped a napkin between them and whipped it across Jongin’s mouth.  Jongin’s eye flashed open. He looked at Kyungsoo dumbfoundedly before his expression fell into a mixture of exasperation and affection.

 

“Really?”

 

Kyungsoo shrugged. Jongin hopped off his chair before rounded the counter and backing Kyungsoo into it. His hands once again found the sides of Kyungsoo’s face and he took no time in bringing their lips together.

 

Fists bunched into Jongin’s shirt as it became more heated. Teeth nipped as Kyungsoo’s bottom lip and he slid them apart for Jongin’s tongue to slip inside. A hand traced over the line of bare skin between the end of Kyungsoo’s shirt and the beginning of his waistband. Fingers wrapped through the loops of his jeans and pulled them closer together. Kyungsoo felt like he was floating.

 

Their lips unlatched and Jongin dived straight for his neck. Kyungsoo kept his eyes shut - the peppered kisses over his collar bone and touches down his thigh magnified. Lips found their way up his neck to the spot under the crevice between his ear and jaw. Kyungsoo swallowed dryly, already aware that Jongin knew his achilles heel. Jongin pressed his lips down hard before the patch of skin into his mouth. If Kyungsoo wasn’t leaning against the counter his legs would’ve given out on him. He exhaled shakily, Jongin’s name brokenly falling through his lips.

 

The attack on his neck suddenly stopped and Kyungsoo’s eyes blinked open. Jongin was staring at him, searching. His arms then swooped down and cradled Kyungsoo.

 

“What-” Kyungsoo began

 

“I love you” Jongin finished.

 

“I-” Everything slowed except the racing of his heart, “...Jongin.” He pulled Jongin out from where he had buried his face in Kyungsoo’s chest. When their eyes met Kyungsoo saw how young Jongin was, how nervous he was, how important those words were to him.

 

Kyungsoo smiled, “I love you too.”

 

-

 

There was something wrong. Kyungsoo felt goosebumps rising on the back of his neck. Jongin was supposed to be home an hour ago.

 

He focused his attention on the rice he was cooking to go with the galbi he had already plated.

He scooped it out when it had finished and formed it into a little ball in the corner of the plate. Jongin liked it best when he arranged it like that. One glass was grabbed from the cupboard. He filled it with orange juice for himself and placed a bottle of melon flavored soda beside Jongin’s dish.

 

Hopefully he’ll be home soon, his dinner will get cold.

 

A loud ringing came from the bedroom. Kyungsoo got to his feet and tottered over. The door was already open. Jongin always kept it closed when he was home, same with the window, he said it made the room warmer. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure how accurate that was but let Jongin have his way.

 

Jongin’s phone was carelessly lying on the floor, it must have fallen out of Jongin’s bag when he rushed out that morning claiming he was going to be late for his early class. The number flashing on the screen seemed unfamiliar and Kyungsoo wondered if it was just a misdial.

 

He decided to answer it, he could always take a message for Jongin and inform the one calling that Jongin had stupidly left his phone at home.

 

“Hello?” He spoke into the receiver.

 

“Hey, Jongin! Where’ve you been?” It was a woman’s voice. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.”

 

“Jongin is-” Kyungsoo began, but the person on the other line just continued.

 

“Next time you better be there when I wake up, you always just leave the morning after.”

 

Kyungsoo felt a string pulling in his chest, alarms in his head blaring.

 

“Excuse m-”

 

“If you keep doing that I’m going to think you’re only in it for the .”

 

Nausea fell over him so fast he barely had time to end the call before he’s knees gave out from under him. Nothing seemed to make sense. Jongin. The Jongin that had been living with him for the past four years. The Jongin that held him tight when they watched horror movies together. The Jongin that always kissed him on the nose before they went to sleep. The Jongin that always came home for dinner. The Jongin that wasn’t currently home for dinner. Why wasn’t he home for dinner.

 

Kyungsoo’s head hurt.

 

The front door clicked closed and Kyungsoo heard shoes being kicked off and a bag tossed to the side. Then it was silent.

 

“Kyungsoo?” Jongin sat up from his seat at the table and held out an envelope and a little black case out to him. “This is for you. Sorry I’m back so late.”

 

All Kyungsoo could see was red.

 

He was by the kitchen, there was a resounding smack when his fist flew across Jongin’s face.  He was beside the counter, throwing a glass across where it hit the fridge mere centimeters away from Jongin. He was in the bedroom, pulling Jongin’s belongings out and throwing them onto the floor. He was opening the front door, screaming for Jongin to just go. He was looking into Jongin’s eyes, ignoring the way it hurt when he whispered one last “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” He was reading the letter Jongin had left him, feeling tears well at the back of his eyes. He was opening a little black case, slipping the gold ring over his finger.

 

He was lying on the welcome mat, pretending he was going to be okay.

 

-

 

Dear Kyungsoo,

 

I’m not good with words, and I wish I could just tell you everything you mean to me. I wish I could just paint you a picture of how beautiful your smile is in my eyes. But I don’t know how to paint, let alone draw. So I decided to write you this letter. It’s the least I can do. I wanted to tell you just how grateful I am for everything you have done for me all of these years.  I don’t deserve you. I don’t think I ever will.  How did I get so lucky? If you hadn’t approached me years ago at the cafe I’m not sure where I would be right now. I’d be a lot less happy that’s for sure.

 

But theres something I have to tell you first. And please keep calm when you read this. When you were away on a business trip last year I made a mistake. A huge mistake. I went to Sehun’s party, you know Sehun right? It was a huge party, Sehun had told me it was only going to be a few of us. I ended up drinking, a lot. Baekhyun said I was already far gone a few hours past midnight. I missed you alot. I thought drinking would relieve that stress. But then I did something terrible. Krystal was at that party. I didn’t realize what had happened until I already messed everything up. I slept with her. I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. It’s been eating at me for awhile now. I thought I could just pretend that it never happened but she won’t stop calling me, reminding me about it. I wanted to tell you, had to tell you. So this is me trying to set things right. She means nothing to me anymore, please believe me. I love you, and only you.

 

I know this can’t even begin to cover how many apologies I owe, but I guess it’s a start. I just want you to know, I didn’t want you to have to find out any other way.

 

I want you with me forever Kyungsoo, no love will ever compare to my feelings for you. Let me be with you. That is the only thing I could ever want.

 

I love you, Kyungsoo. Please, stay with me.