based loosely off this chanbaek fmv of if we love again~ creds to AMEJIA Fam on yt for giving me some much needed inspiration! and i apologise beforehand bc this is s o bad /rolls away

The silver-haired boy allowed a relieved sigh to escape his lips as he flopped onto his unmade bed. It was that time of the day again. He had spent his whole day, ever since the moment he woke up before sunrise, dreading this very moment.
It was time for him to sleep.
Or at least, it was supposed to be. He scoffed. It had been too many days - Chanyeol had already stopped putting in the effort to count. Too many sleepless nights; too many voices bouncing off the walls of his skull in the silence of the night.
Filled with defeat and drowsiness, he pulled the thick blanket over his lanky body in hopes that it would shelter him from the rest of the world. Really, though, he knew that what he needed the most was to be sheltered from was his own cruel mind.
His mind was capable of many things - straight A's, basketball finals, storing countless pick up lines, just to name a few, but instead it decided to busy itself with replaying memories of his past lover.
The one who used to bury his flushed face in his neck when they hugged; embarrassed but secretly liking the public display of affection, the one who always hid (unsuccessfully) behind his curtains when they played hide and seek, the one who eagerly and willingly initiated the romantic act of the intertwining of their hands, the one who would refuse to shut up whenever something blew up in the newest action film playing in the cinema, the one who would suggest impromptu karaoke sessions on the bed before they fell asleep in each other's warm embrace, the one whose twinkling eyes would find his own amongst a large crowd and gaze at him in the most precious way, complete with a lopsided grin - as if Chanyeol was worth it; was worth his time and his love.
But he was also he one who wanted some space. The one who filled said space with someone else; someone better, way better than Chanyeol. The one who moved on. The one who let go.
That night, it was cold, Chanyeol remembered as he hugged his pillow. Very cold - too cold, even. They stood side by side, eyes not trying to meet each other's and arms not wrapping around their waists or shoulders. Baekhyun had wanted to talk; had wanted to meet; had wanted to take a break. But Chanyeol, no matter how hard he fought himself, couldn't possibly say no to him. He wanted to be strong - to fight for their relationship, but if Baekhyun was already so determined to stop seeing him, what was the point? A relationship wasn't a single player game, he thought. So he took the ring he gave to Baekhyun on their last anniversary from his palm and clasped his hand in his other. His slender, pretty fingers were freezing as usual, and Chanyeol muttered a soft "Who's going to keep your hands warm when I'm not around?", without knowing at that time that there was already someone else waiting for Baekhyun with open arms. Someone not emotionally wrecked like Chanyeol was, or obnoxiously loud like Chanyeol was, or a horrible boyfriend like Chanyeol was. Baekhyun ignored his useless babble and bid him one last goodbye before turning around and walking out of his life.
Chanyeol felt himself wasting away after that. He wandered here and there, his physical self present but his mental self locked up in a cell with walls of hurt and pain. Nothing felt right and he didn't know what to do about it.
He would spend his nights with little sleep, his days with manning the register of his uncle's shop, half-heartedly listening to lectures and whole-heartedly crying in the shower. 
He often wondered, was what they had love? Was it real? Was it one-sided? Sometimes he felt so delusional that the memories of being together almost ceased to exist, leaving him with the breakup scene, the one that no one warned him about and no one gave him the script to.
His life seemed to resemble a drama, one where its protagonist's life had been turned upside down by a brutal heartbreak and several equally brutal failed courses. 
He forced his eyes shut when they starting warming up and forming tears. He shook his head, attempting to shake off his bad thoughts. Bad, that's what they were.
It had already been a year anyway. 
Plus, tomorrow was going to be a good day. It was forecasted to be sunny, he had arranged for his band to practice at his garage-turned-studio and a new shipment of the best instant noodles in the world were arriving in store. He also had an appointment with his therapist, and he always felt lighter after that.

"Is it back again?" She asked, voice laced with concern and not disapproval (for which he was eternally grateful).
"Yeah," he admitted, staring down at his feet. "And I had those thoughts again."
"The ones about Baekhyun?"
He visibly flinched from the mere sound of his name.
"Y-yes."
She took some notes, filling the silence with the noise of pen scratching on paper. "Are they still the same?"
"Mostly, I guess."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I went to sleep last night thinking that today would be a good day, but I thought wrong..." His voice trailed off, uncertain.
"The day just started, Chanyeol," she encouraged with her usual optimism. "It still has lots of potential to be good, just like you have the potential to get better."
"I know, it's just... I thought of something this morning when I woke up from my five hour sleep." She hummed in approval at the longer-than-usual sleep he had. "I saw rays of sunshine streaming through the blinds and watched the leaves fluttering in the wind, and everything kind of, I don't know, felt slower. Gosh, what am I even saying? I'm not making any sense. I'm so sorry, let's just-"
"No, Chanyeol," her voice firm but encouraging. "Carry on, I would love to hear the rest of your story."
"I, uh... Okay then. If you say so." He inhaled a large gulp of air. "I just thought, like, about what would happen if we loved again." His voice was reduced to nothing but a low whisper.
"You mean, you would do things differently?"
He nodded, lips pursed in concentration as he tried to put his confused thoughts into words. "But, not in the way most people would. I know this sounds a bit, unconventional, but I wished that we loved each other less. Things would be so much easier and I would be less broken, less, well, like this. I hate being like this. I hate how I cared so much for someone who only cared a little in comparison. I hate how I was so hopeful and eager. If only we didn't feel that much. If only I didn't feel that much. If only we could love again, because I know that I will do it right this time and we won't have a sad ending. I think not only I, but he would be happier that way too. Yeah. That's what I thought."

can i just take this opportunity to say that chen and chan's acoustic cover of if we love again is so damn beautiful if you haven't go listen to it gOSH their voices and that song i :"""") everytime

thanks for making it to the end! sorry for the crappy story!! have a great day hehhhehe

pls note that I've never been to a therapist/psychiatrist (only a counsellor) so this might not be as realistic as I wanted it to be, thousands of apologies ;-;;

and go watch lotto on incognito bc apparently that increases views ???? 

here's some gifs i found on tumblr :-)

T HIS ^

cr to owners!!