Jungkook realizes he wants that kind of love when he sees Yoongi and Jimin.

 

 

 

 

 

Yoongi never intended to cut himself out of the society that bad, but the walls he’s built up desperately over the years ended up trapping himself in them instead and he became too used to solitary, pretending it’s only going to protect him. It took a lot of trust, patience and time before Jimin broke them all down, and now Jungkook sees Yoongi who finds hope and a future in Jimin, and he sees Jimin who looks back at Yoongi with all the adoration and love he has to offer in return. It’s true love, no one will ever doubt that.

 

 

 

 

 

Jungkook doesn’t doubt that when he sees the way Yoongi’s eyes brighten up at the sight of Jimin when his boyfriend finally reaches the party after a terrible traffic jam, fingers brushing against the younger male’s soft locks as he listens intently to whatever the other has to say and responds to him with words that are spoken so gently everyone knows it’s only reserved for his Jimin.

 

 

 

 

 

It makes Jungkook think, oh of course it does — Jungkook thinks of a day he’ll get to love someone just like that, each gaze and caress filled with so much love that he would desperately want the other to constantly be reminded of. He thinks the idea of love is still very vague to a person like him, but if it’s going to be like what Yoongi and Jimin share? He thinks he wants it.

 

 

 

 

 

He stares too much, he knows, but he can’t help it. He likes to look at how Jimin smiles whenever Yoongi whispers a silly joke into his ear, all proud and smug and god, the way the corners of Jimin’s lips raise because of that is absolutely beautiful. It makes him imagine if he’s ever going to able to get something that pure out of someone, to have someone just smile at him with nothing but love that wraps around you warmly whenever he’s just around.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s ing beautiful, and Jungkook spends nights just looking at his hand, and wonders if some day someone’s fingers are going to fit in perfectly like Yoongi’s does in Jimin’s.

 

 

 

 

 

He thinks about it a lot, god he thinks about it so, so much that when Taehyung shows up, bursting into his life like a field of soft sunflowers and gentle sun rays, Jungkook accepts the kind of love Taehyung has to offer without thinking. He sees the way Taehyung looks at him after months of knowing each other. Jungkook’s not an idiot, of course he notices all the soft glances Taehyung casts in his direction after they share a long moment just laughing over jokes that they have just shared, or just any time when he thinks Jungkook is dazing out.

 

 

 

 

 

Jungkook isn’t, he knows, and he lets Taehyung loves him.

 

 

 

 

 

He lets Taehyung holds his hand in the public whenever they head out, kisses on his lips and arms around his waist any time the other wants to. He sees the way Jimin looks at them, a soft smile on his lips like he’s happy for them, like he’s glad that Jungkook has found Taehyung who is the easiest person to love because god, Taehyung’s perfect. Taehyung’s always so supportive of what Jungkook wants to do, and loves him in spite of his tantrums. Taehyung’s always smiling, and laughs even if Jungkook flips him off. His laughter sounds really nice, and Jungkook knows it brightens up everyone’s days.

 

 

 

 

 

Jimin’s happy for them, he even says it at one point, one night when they are both out in the balcony for some fresh air and Taehyung’s asleep somewhere inside with Jungkook’s jacket over him.

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m happy for you, Jungkook. You always talked to Jin-hyung like you were never gonna find someone.” Jimin laughs, and Jungkook doesn’t say anything in return because he can’t. He just looks at the way Jimin smiles, and how that smile gets even wider when Yoongi calls for him all sleepily, wondering where did his boyfriend go. Jimin leaves, readily into Yoongi’s inviting arms, and that’s when Jungkook turns, gives one quick glance at Taehyung who’s fidgeting a little in his sleep, and realizes something is wrong.

 

 

 

 

Jungkook isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel his heart swelling for Taehyung.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung makes him laugh, loves to make him laugh, and he never does anything that he knows will hurt Jungkook. Taehyung’s perfect, god, Taehyung truly is — he looks at him the way Jungkook has spent half of his life pining over for, the way it’s so soft and gentle it should warm every single corner of Jungkook but it doesn’t. It won’t.

 

 

 

 

Jungkook likes how warm it feels when Taehyung hugs him, oh he does. Taehyung’s a hugger, he’s a persistent one, he makes sure that his warmth’s gonna linger all over your body when he pulls off, and grins so cutely Jungkook ends up thinking about it for awhile. Jungkook likes the way Taehyung kisses him, the way his lips are so soft against him it takes away everything that’s in his mind.

 

 

 

 

But Jungkook — god, he ed up, Jungkook ed up.

 

 

 

 

He wants Taehyung to hug him. He wants the other do it, so he can imagine how it will feel if someone else does it, someone of a smaller frame that will smile in a way that’s so adoringly shy if Jungkook refuses to let go. He needs Taehyung to kiss him, he needs Taehyung to take his breath away so he will stop thinking about the way he can kiss at someone else’s lips, his way past the other’s lips so Jungkook can leave his face all flushed and his breath short.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung’s giving him all that Yoongi and Jimin are giving each other, god, Taehyung’s letting Jungkook have the kind of love he wanted.

 

 

 

 

But it turns out that Jungkook doesn’t want it.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung doesn’t take the news well. Of course. Jungkook never expected him to, but he never expected the way Taehyung will suddenly break into tears  either because Taehyung’s always been laughing around him. Taehyung’s always so eager to love him, so ing happy that Jungkook’s just around and yet Jungkook’s now turning his back on him with ugly words like Taehyung, god, I’m sorry but I can’t love you, I don’t.

 

 

 

 

Jungkook thinks of everything he felt for Taehyung, this feels real. This horrible, scorching guilt that’s squeezing him inside so hard it hurts. He feels it, the way he’s choking on his words because he’s so sorry, but Taehyung doesn’t care because he doesn’t need Jungkook to say anything.  He just needs to leave, he needs to get the away from Jungkook who used him.

 

 

 

 

And Jungkook lets Taehyung leave like he should have the first time Taehyung invited him out for supper, instead of taking the hint the other’s been dropping and asked him back home for a few cups of coffee.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung doesn’t look back when he leaves, and Jungkook spends the entire night sitting in the balcony, away from the living room where everyone’s sitting at with a heavy atmosphere, the usual gathering halted to an abrupt stop ever since Taehyung makes his way out with his frame shaking with both anger and pain that’s so raw Jungkook doesn’t think he’s gonna forget.

 

 

 

 

Jungkook only snaps out of his own thoughts when Jimin’s suddenly sitting right beside him, with a glass of water and a bowl of soup in his hands that Jungkook knows he’s supposed to have since he skipped dinner.

 

 

 

 

“I’m not hungry,” Jungkook immediately turns Jimin down before the older male had a chance to ask, and he wonders why it’s Jimin of everyone who’s sent here to talk to him. Maybe they know the way Jungkook will always lose when it comes to Jimin’s concern and Jungkook doesn’t deny it, he always will — in fact, if Jimin pushes a little more, Jungkook will finish everything even if he doesn’t feel like it. “I’ll… head out later if I am. I promise I’ll be alright. You guys don’t have to worry, I promise.”

 

 

 

 

Jimin lowers the bowl onto the floor beside him, and fiddles with the bottle briefly before he turns his head to look at Jungkook. Jungkook doesn’t return the glance, he knows the other’s worried, but he also knows he shouldn’t be the one who’s being taken care of now. He’s hurt Taehyung, god, he hurt the other so ing bad.

 

 

 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jimin asks after a long while, and Jungkook doesn’t say anything, just takes a quick look behind to the living room where it’s empty now, all of them probably scattered into different rooms so Jimin can have a proper talk with Jungkook.

 

 

 

Jungkook lets a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes tug at his lips, and he sighs when he takes the bottle over from Jimin’s grip, and looks away immediately when he accidentally meets Jimin’s eyes, catching the other’s worried expression in his own sight.

 

 

 

 

It unnerves him.

 

 

 

 

“No,” Jungkook denies as it’s his turn to play with the bottle, fingers tracing each and every curve of the bottle like it’s going to distract him from all that has happened. He can’t tell Jimin what happened. He can’t tell Jimin how he has hurt Taehyung, how selfish he had been, how ed up he truly is and god, he can’t have Jimin looking at him in a way that’s filled with nothing but disappointment. Jungkook doesn’t want that. “It’s… going to be okay, hyung. I think.”

 

 

 

 

Jimin doesn’t press on.

 

 

 

 

He just let the both of them sit there in the silence that he’s slowly getting comfortable with, and likes how Jimin is just looking at the night sky with him. He likes how easily the other can make him feel at ease, and blocks the guilt from him — just for awhile. Jungkook knows the demons will catch up one night and scream at him for all that he’s done.

 

 

 

 

“Whenever Yoongi and I fight, we do this too, actually. I’ll give him all the space he needs, and he’ll let me be alone until we have both calmed down enough to talk properly.”

 

 

 

 

Jungkook looks over with a surprised expression, and it’s almost silly, because of course Yoongi and Jimin fight. Not all relationships are beds of flowers and roses with only happiness and smooth tracks to ride on. Of course there’s going to be rough edges and though he’s sure his fight with Taehyung is nothing like the ones Yoongi and Jimin had, he doesn’t cut in. He likes it when Jimin shares about Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

He gets to see the love in his eyes, and how Yoongi makes Jimin smiles effortlessly be it being there personally or not.

 

 

 

 

“Sometimes I think of walking out, of course I did, maybe once or twice. I hated myself for thinking that way because it’s Yoongi who I actually thought of leaving. How silly of me, right? It’s Yoongi and— Jungkook, listen.” Jungkook can’t look away from Jimin’s eyes, how tender his stare actually looked for a moment. “Love doesn’t come by just like that. It takes a lot of hard work and patience, okay? I mean, of course it’s easy to fall in love sometimes, but to be in love is another thing. You can’t give up, okay? I don’t know why you and Taehyung fought but… he loves you, okay? He loves you a lot, a lot, and I’m not saying that it’s a difficult thing to love you, Jungkook, but to put yourself out there so vulnerable to another, just giving all of you is… difficult, and very brave. He loves you. You won’t just let him go like that, right?”

 

 

 

 

Jungkook feels something rising in his throat, and he swears it’s taking all of him to press it down because god, Jimin’s speaking to him softly like he’s a wounded child who’s so ing lost when he’s the biggest er in the whole damned world.

 

 

 

 

“Do you love Yoongi-hyung like that?” Jimin raises his eyebrows when Jungkook simply answers with questions instead, his voice tight with emotions he’s literally fighting to conceal. “If Yoongi-hyung hurts you, you won’t just… let him go, right?”

 

 

 

 

Jimin breaks into the softest smile ever.

 

 

 

 

“I won’t. I’ll fight for him because I love him.”

 

 

 

 

“What would you say to him if you find him after he ran out like Taehyung?”

 

 

 

 

“I… don’t know. If we ever have that big of a fight… I don’t know, honestly. I’d say I love you, of course. He has to remember that. No matter what, I’ll remind him that I love him. Even if he thinks there’s nothing about him that I should.”

 

 

 

 

Jimin’s smiling again, god, he is. He’s having that smile that’s only reserved for Yoongi. Only Yoongi will be able to put that kind of smile on Jimin’s lips, the softness in his stare too full of adoration and love that Jungkook has to bite back a ing sob because — god, is Jungkook crying?

 

 

 

 

“Tell me again. What will you tell him?”

 

 

 

 

“Jungkook, you’re crying, I—“

 

 

 

 

“Just tell me, hyung.”

 

 

 

 

Jimin looks alarmed, of course he is, because Jungkook’s not making any ing sense and he’s crying all of a sudden. He looks as though like he’s gonna go back out to ask for Seokjin, but Jungkook’s just grabbing at his arm, a quiet please slipping from his lips pathetically like he’s mess.

 

 

 

 

“I… Jungkook, I’ll tell him that I love him.”

 

 

 

 

“The exact words, hyung.”

 

 

 

 

“What? I— I’ll tell him that I, well.” Jimin looks confused, but Jungkook’s persistent, looking at him like he needs the answer not for his own selfish needs as he tries to hold back on the tears that are suddenly hitting at full force. “I love you.”

 

 

 

 

Jungkook exhales a short breath of dry laughter that’s laced with absolutely no humour, and it only worries Jimin further because god, he’s crying harder, a ridiculous weight dragging at his heart down like it wants Jungkook to sink and he does, he does.

 

 

 

 

He sinks with guilt, first of all — and then at the idea of how he’s never ever going to get the kind of love he wants, ever. It should be so simple, it had been so simple.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung was right there. Taehyung was right ing there to give him all that he’s ever wanted, ever imagined through lonely nights when he had to sleep alone while listening to Yoongi and Jimin laughing over silly things in the room next door whenever they slept over.

 

 

 

 

Taehyung had been so ready to give Jungkook everything he had wanted, but Jungkook hurt him, all just because he can’t wrap his head around the idea that he loves someone who’s gonna belong to another forever, not him.

 

 

 

 

  “You’re an idiot,” Jimin laughs after Yoongi leans in to press a light peck against the tip of his nose with a gentle look on his face. Jungkook thinks it looks pretty, the way Yoongi’s just holding onto Jimin who has no intention to pull away. It’s something beautiful — he wants to know how it’d feel if he were to stand in Yoongi’s place and kiss him instead. He wants to know it all.

 

 

 

 

But all Jungkook wanted is the kind of love Jimin would give him.

 

 

 

 

“I’m so ing sorry,” Jungkook doesn’t know why he’s apologising but he does, and jesus, his voice’s beginning to crack and it’s embarrassing as , he’s crying like a ing three year old kid in front of Jimin but he can’t ing help it. “I’m so ing sorry, hyung, I’m so ing sorry—”

 

 

 

 

Jimin hugs him immediately from the side, panicking and concern’s literally radiating from the other as he squeezes him tight. It feels warm, so this is how Jimin feels when he hugs Yoongi this close — oh god , he’s pathetic, Jeon Jungkook’s so ing pathetic he's surprised Jimin’s still staying around to calm him down, with quiet shushes and his voice soothing all in hopes to talk Jungkook down from whatever that’s killing him inside.

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter anyway, for that Jungkook still sinks with the realization that he’s ing head over heels for Park Jimin who will never, ever feel the same for him.