yugyeom doesn't think life can get any lower than this, now. him, getting high in the jyp practice room because he figured, it's four am, no one would come down here, only to be discovered by the last person he would've wanted to be seen by.

"i can explain."

jimin stares, lips pursed, hands on her hips. he knows that stance.

"yeah? go ahead then, explain."

but he can't, so he doesn't, he just stays quiet as the smoke continues to filter in the space between the both of them.

he can see the corner of her lip twitch, the way it always does when she's bothered, before she takes big strides across the room and plucks the joint from his hand and crushes it under her heels.

"they wouldn't be happy, if they found out."

he sighs.

"i know."

she looks at him, questioning, like she didn't know why he was doing this, like she didn't understand how he could do something like this.

"then stop,"

he's about to bite back, say that it was none of her business, that it was no one's business but his, but then her lips turn down just the slightest and her eyebrows draw together in an expression that unmistakably - worried.

"please."

he doesn't respond, and she doesn't say anything more, but seeing her so concerned like that had tugged at his heartstrings, and he found himself thinking that he really didn't want to let her down.

quitting, or at least attempting it, was harder than anything yugyeom had ever done before. even six continuous hours dancing in the practice room didn't compare to this, his nerves going haywire and not being able to take anything to calm himself down. he hasn't gone anywhere near his stash in five days, and he was already feeling a little restless being without it, his only escape from the exhaustion and the stress. he figures, one wouldn't hurt, just one. he'd have to make sure jimin doesn't find out though, so he locks himself in the bathroom of his dorm at two am and smokes until he starts to think the way the bathroom tiles look are absolutely hilarious.

it was meant to be one moment of weakness. he was still quitting, whether for him or for jimin he didn't know, but he was still quitting either way. so reporting it back to jimin really wasn't necessary, especially when he knows what her reaction will be, but hiding it from her was a lot harder than he expected, so he ends up spilling it to her suddenly, like he couldn't bare lying to her.

"ah."

she doesn't look upset, or disappointed, just maybe a little serious.

yugyeom lets out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.

"yeah. sorry."

she smiles then. not one of her big ones, where her eyes disappear into little crescents and her teeth are out in full display, but a small one, light and comforting. yugyeom doesn't expect it, he doesn't expect the skip in his heartbeat either.

"it's okay. it's an improvement. progress, yeah? i'm glad you told me. but next time, if you feel like you want to you know, do it again, just talk to me, yeah?"

her hand makes its way to grip his arm as she says this, and he has no idea what to say because her touch is so warm, and he can feel the heat traveling from his arm to his cheeks, making his face stain a light pink colour. all he can manage is a small nod, a silent yes.

when jimin leaves, she leaves behind the lingering feeling of warmth, and yugyeom thinks, that as he's getting over one hurdle, a new one might have presented itself in front of him.

"hyung."

jaebum looks up from his phone to look across at yugyeom.

"yeah?"

yugyeom presses his lips together, tight. he doesn't know how to say this, how to word it properly, he feels as if he's been talking too much lately, much more than he'd been before, all the words are starting to get jumbled up in his head. or maybe that's just because of her.

"you know, about love?"

if it's possible, jaebum's eyebrows raise so high yugyeom's convinced they've reached his hairline. he would've laughed, if it didn't feel like there was something lodged in his throat, a ball of words and feelings that he had no idea how to get out.

"i know of it, yeah . . . why?"

yugyeom inhales.

"what if i was like you know, in it?"

"in it?"

"yeah."

"you mean, what if you were in love?"

". . . yeah."

"well that would be good, i guess?"

"would it?"

"it's supposed to be, isn't it? a good thing, to be in love."

"what if she was someone in the company, someone who i definitely wouldn't be allowed to date, someone that might not even love me back."

"oh. i'm sorry."

"i don't think it's a good thing to be in love at all, hyung."

he hadn't really thought much on her offer then, about talking, whenever he had any urges. but now that he's at home, alone, fingers itching to reach under his mattress for his baggie, he thinks maybe taking her up on her offer wouldn't be such a bad idea, so he presses the call button on her contact.

"gyeom?"

"yeah, it's me."

"what's up?"

"you said before, right? that i could talk to you, if i wanted to . . . you know."

"oh! yeah, of course."

"well . . . what do you want me to talk about?"

"way to make things awkward. you can just talk about anything, but, i am curious."

"about?"

"why?"

"why i started -"

"yeah. why?"

"i guess i just, wanted a way out? nothing about living has been easy anymore, and i figured, if i could take something that'll ease my nerves and help me relax, that there wouldn't be any harm in trying it."

"mm, makes sense i guess."

"yeah."

"but that means you can just find a substitute for it, right? if all you want is to release some tension, you could just as easily do that by picking up a sport or something."

"ah but that would require me actually liking exercise, which, i don't."

"then what about dancing?"

"as if i don't do enough of that already."

"pick up a new hobby then. start drawing or painting or knitting, try anything."

"knitting, really?"

"there's nothing wrong with that."

"i know that's just a bit . . . out of my skillset."

"fine, fine, but promise me you'll keep working to find something new to fill your time with, okay?"

"okay. promise."

"so, how's it going?"

yugyeom jumps at the sudden sound of jimin's voice, almost dropping the notebook in his hand.

", you scared me."

jimin only laughs.

"my bad."

"what're you doing here? don't you have a comeback to practice for or something?"

she juts out her bottom lip in a pout as a response. yugyeom hates how the expression makes his insides melt.

"i'm just taking a little break and thought i'd check up on you, is that such a crime?"

"no, that's fine. i don't need you babying me though."

"i'm not babying you."

"yeah, you kind of are."

"i'm just worried about-"

"i know you're worried, but you really don't need to go so far. it's not really any of your business to begin with anyway."

jimin's expression crumbles at his last words. the wounded look that flashes in her eyes for a moment makes his heart drop all the way to the bottom of his stomach.

he hadn't meant that, any of it, but it came out anyway, and he'd hurt her. he feels like someone's physically stabbing his gut with a knife when her gaze drops to the floor, her head ducking low like she used to do so often before, when she used to think she wasn't good enough to be a singer, that she wasn't pretty enough to be an idol.

"right. of course. sorry. i won't bother you about it anymore."

no, no, no.

he wasn't meant to do this, he didn't mean to hurt her. all he wants to do is apologize, call her back, ask her to stop, and tell her that he hadn't meant any of that, but somehow, the words get stuck in his throat, and all he can do is stand there and watch as she walks away from him.

he knows he's really ed it up this time.

he doesn't talk to anyone for four days. the guilt made it hard for him to even get out of bed, but he at least had to do that. he hasn't seem jimin at all since the incident, hasn't called her, or texted her either. and it's strange, the radio silence, when he used to call her pretty much everyday. he needed time though, to gather himself, find the words and the strength to apologize, because he knew, more than anyone else, that as much as jimin was bright and charming and loud, she was just as insecure and unsure of herself. he'd been with her, when she was at her lowest, and yugeom had failed to realise until now, that she was just trying to do the same thing for him.

he laughs, a dry chuckle, no mirth behind it at all.

he was a really horrible person, wasn't he?

[jackson]: hey

[jackson]: douche face

[jackson]: at least have the decency to say off instead of not saying anything at all

[yugyeom]: off

[jackson]: that's more like it

[jackson]: anyways

[jackson]: what did you to do to jimin

[yugyeom]: nothing

[jackson]: that's funny bc i just bumped into her and when i mentioned your name she looked like she was about to cry

[yugyeom]: . . . fine. i ed up

[jackson]: what did you do

[yugyeom]: just something rl bad okay

[jackson]: jeez someone's sensitive tday

[jackson]: why don't you just apologize and make up

[yugyeom]: i don't know how to say it

[jackson]: like this: i'm sorry i was such an

[yugyeom]: you're not helping

[jackson]: really tho as long as you're sincere she wont mind however you say it

jackson's right, he knows he is, but yugyeom still feels nervous even being around jimin, he doesn't trust himself not to say something wrong and hurt her even more. it doesn't help that jackson knows now, though, because he barges into his room and pretty much pushes yugyeom out the door all the way to the front door of jimin's dorm and even knocks for him before he disappears, leaving yugyeom to stand there, open mouthed and shocked. jimin opens the door after a moment, and after seeing her for so long yugyeom's filled with an odd sense of relief and dread at the same time.

"oh . . . hey."

he knows she's thinking about it still, what he said, because she refuses to look him in the eye.

"i wanted to uh, apologize, for the other day. what i said was, completely out of line. i didn't mean it, i'm sorry."

there's a long pause, where jimin's just looking at her feet, and yugyeom starts to sweat buckets.

"it's okay. i'm not mad at you or anything, but, there was obviously some truth to what you said so, i really wont bother you anymore about your issues. you can do whatever you want."

she turns to leave, but he can see that she's obviously still upset, so he latches onto her wrist and pulls her back before she can close the door on him.

"wait, wait. i'm telling the truth when i say i didn't mean what i said before. i'm just, bad with feelings, yeah? i actually, really liked the fact that you were so worried about me. i know it's weird, i just, i liked that you cared. i'm sorry i was dumb."

when she finally faces him again, he's faced with such a bright smile that he thinks he's blinded for a moment, his heart soaring at the way her whole face lights up.

"you're forgiven."

jimin's smiling again but yugyeom thinks he might cry.

he knows he's doomed.

"hyung."

"what, your love life again?"

"i - how'd you know?"

"you never start out any other conversation with 'hyung' like that."

"i just. i think i'm really in deep."

"then you should tell her."

"but i don't want to."

"but you should."

"but i don't want to."

"yugyeom."

"i just- i'm scared."

"it'll feel better, knowing what her feelings are for you, even if they're not the same, than keeping quiet about how you feel, and not knowing for sure whether she actually loves you back or not."

"i know. i know. but it's hard, hyung, talking about how i feel. i'd already ed up once because i'm emotionally constipated, what if i up again?"

"you have to take a risk sometimes."

"but-"

"no buts. just tell her. if she breaks your heart i'll be here with soju and ice cream."

"wow, thanks for the pep talk."

"shut up and go."

he's sure jaebum didn't mean it literally when he told him to go, but he figures, ten pm is a good a time as any, so he arrives in front of jimin's door again, his heart all the way up in his throat as he knocks. the door opens just a few moments later, and jimin makes a soft "oh!" sound when she sees yugyeom, which makes his heart do little flips, before he's pulling her outside.

"hey! slow down, what's going on?"

he stops when they finally reach the park, the one he's brought jimin to countless of times before whenever practice got too hard, whenever they both craved some normalcy in their lives. he knows this would be the perfect spot, though he's not sure if he could ever bring himself to come back if he actually got dumped.

"i have something to say."

she looks a little skeptical, but nods her head for him to continue.

"i uh, i'm pretty sure i'm like, in love with you. no wait, i, i'm not just pretty sure, i'm a hundred percent sure, that i'm definitely in love with you. i'm sorry."

jimin freezes, mouth open slightly at she stares at him. yugyeom swallows, slow, unsure of what this reaction means. he's about to take it all back, pretend that it was a joke to save himself the pain, but then jimin starts laughing, and it's yugyeom's turn to be shocked into silence.

"who ends a confession with 'i'm sorry'?"

"uh."

yugyeom really doesn't know how to reply, so he simply stands there, as she laughs until tears start to form. that was probably, a rejection, in some way.

"oh, you need a reply, huh?"

jimin sobers up suddenly, as if remembering the gravity of the situation.

"i'm sorry,"

she says. yugyeom's heart drops, he had expected this, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt any less.

"but im in love with you too."

he stills, eyes suddenly wide open.

"you - you, what?"

"hey, don't make me say it again."

"i just, i can't believe this is actually happening. wait, i'm dreaming, aren't i? this is actually all just a dream, isn't it?"

jimin laughs again, the same tinkling laugh that makes yugyeom's chest feel warm. he's about to ask again, because really, there's no way this was happening outside of his head, but then she's pulling him down by his sleeve and suddenly her lips are on his, and suddenly they're kissing. his heart bursts as her arms come to wrap around his neck and his own come to hug her waist.

no, it definitely wasn't a dream, the sensation felt too real for it to be a dream. he thinks, if he died now, he'd die the happiest he's ever been.

when they finally break apart for air, jimin's cheeks are tinged a pretty red colour, and yugyeom can't stop smiling.

"i'm surprised you didn't notice before."

"huh?"

"didn't it ever occur to you that i in so much because i really cared about you? like in a more-than-a-friend way?"

"you do know that i'm an idiot, right?"

"that's true, i wonder why i fell in love with you in the first place. i should've fallen for someone like jaebum oppa."

"wow, ouch."

yugyeom never does end up reaching for that little baggie under his mattress anymore, and why would he, when he had someone like jimin to ease his troubles instead?