http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLQGWdiU-DU

This is the song "Finally Said It Out Loud" (終於說出), by Xiao Yu (小宇), from which I drew inspiration. The lyrics of the song are more about someone cheating on someone else, but because I found the melody and title to be more fitting for unrequited love, and because I don't like giving "real life" characters the bad reputation of cheating, even if it's only in a story, my idea is different from the story of the song.

Also, in my story, Super Junior disbands. This is not true in real life- I only wrote this fictional situation because it was important to the plot of my story, so if there are any Suju fans reading this, please don't panic ^^

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Meeting Siwon had perhaps been the event in Heechul's life that had truly made him consider that there might indeed be such a thing as God, or at least a higher power, and that this being was not of malicious and unreasonable origin, as Heechul had always thought. Although he would not have admitted it to anyone, atheist Heechul was searching for answers, and when he had first experienced the demanding and sometimes cruel dimension of the entertainment industry, he felt the need to find out if there really was such a thing as "goodness", and salvation.

Heechul was fully aware of the fact that, in the public eye and on the surface, he appeared to be an individual of great calm and ambition- he had a fixed goal, and he would stop at nothing to accomplish it. Never did Heechul show insecurity, nor was he ever intimidated by otherwise intimidating prospects of life, such as loneliness.

But beneath the outer layer of Heechul's indifference, the crust of his strong and imposing personality and the shield provided by the impersonality and glamor of show business, was an extremely frightened, insecure and unhappy person.

Since he had decided to become an entertainer, a frigid gap had developed between Heechul and his parents. Both seemed to think that their son was only attracted by the superficial glimmer of monetary gain and international recognition. Education, they had always felt, was the way to go, and academics were not instrumental in Heechul's chosen career path. At first, Heechul had been optimistic that with time, the friction that scraped between himself and his parents would lessen, but it had in fact only grown worse. His father and mother criticized him so frequently that Heechul felt that they looked upon him with disgust, and he could no longer bear to speak to them anymore.

By the time Super Junior had released their first album, Heechul had neither visited nor spoken to his parents in over a year.

The young man took great care to never show just how much the disintegration of his relationship with his parents had troubled him and shaken his trust in all things supposedly solid in the world. He never discussed his family with anyone, not even his band mates, who were becoming a surrogate family to him, but at night time, when he was alone, Heechul often wondered why things had gone so terribly wrong. His parents, the first two people that he had ever grown to love and depend on in the world had seemingly decided that he was not worthy to be their son, simply because he loved the stage. The bond between parents and their children, Heechul had always thought, was supposed to be ever-loving and unbreakable. But even this supposedly cast-iron relationship had been shattered as easily as a pane of glass. If even his relationship with the man and woman who had raised him couldn't last, then what relationship ever would?

And so, with a bruised heart, a disturbingly conflicted soul and a paralyzed mind, Heechul had then turned away from the loving relationship that he had once felt that he had with God- the very same God that his parents had taught him to love.

Over the course of many packed schedules and sleepless nights onstage or in rehearsal, a thick scab had eventually formed over the emotional wounds that Heechul had obtained. On one hand, the pain of feeling worthless and unlovable didn't sear Heechul's heart as badly, anymore; on the other, Heechul wasn't really feeling anything, anymore. Ceaseless work had left Heechul little time for personal reflection, and the part of him that had been crippled by the blow of rejection had instantly seized any available excuse to not have to re-open his wounds.

Heechul was well-aware that somehow, he needed to change. He needed to find a reason to continue living, and he needed to start feeling again. But he had no idea how; as far as he was concerned, he had already slipped so far into a dark, tar-filled pit of depression, doubt and emotional exhaustion.

Siwon had changed everything.

Upon seeing Siwon for the first time, Heechul had instantly felt a warm tug on his heart. Attraction to Siwon, even if it was simply based on the younger man's handsome features and well-trained physique, had been the first time in a while that Heechul could remember feeling a positive emotion. It wasn't one that he had to banish and immediately desensitize himself to, for the sake of survival. It had been one that he had initially marvelled at, then drowned in its luscious, reviving and warming ribbons, as he lay in bed that night, rashly allowing himself to fantasize about Siwon cuddling him in the large hotel bed as they planned their future together and whispered sweet things to each other.

He had fallen asleep with a smile on his face, excited that he was to see Siwon the following day, and would have the privilege of being his band mate.

As he had with his other band mates, Heechul had become fast friends with Siwon. Little did he know, those first few laughs that he shared with Siwon, smiles and jokes, had begun to lift the fouling, botched plasters that had been clumsily applied to Heechul's emotional wounds, with a gentle hand.

Sharing personal stories and being able to confide in someone, for the first time, about how battered his parents shunning of him had left him had acted as an antiseptic, cleaning out all of the dirty resent, doubt and grief that had plagued Heechul for so many years.

That Siwon's acceptance of Heechul as he was, both in what he excelled in and the qualities that he failed to have gave Heechul such a strengthening self-confidence and a new sense of acceptance that he was able to bandage his wounds and, with Siwon's hand in his, phone his parents for the first time in over five years.

Siwon hadn't let go of Heechul's hand for the entirety of the hour long conversation, that had been full of explanations, apologies and finally, a promise for a fresh start.

Afterwards, Heechul had consented to Siwon's gentle, unforceful suggestion to go to church and Heechul realized that perhaps, God had been "calling him home", all along. This had been what had ultimately healed even the faintest trace of a scar.

The first time that Siwon had hugged Heechul had washed Heechul clean with a love that he had never yet experienced and finally, when he and Siwon had shared their first onstage kiss, even if it was mainly for the benefit of the audience, Heechul had been given a radiant hope that perhaps, his ever-present dreams of Siwon taking him into his arms as a lover had substance.

That he and Siwon had managed to maintain a relationship even after Super Junior's contract terminated and all members went their seperate ways gave Heechul even more hope that they really could make "something out of nothing", so to speak.

It was in great part because of this possibility that Heechul had, with excitement, agreed to meet Siwon one evening, at the small, quiet park that the two often had gone to talk about everything from personal preoccupations to seemingly petty things that had amused them.

Heechul hadn't been able to suppress the bubble of ecstatic anticipation that had accompanied him as he walked to the park. He was certain that Siwon had at last reciprocated his feelings and was about to confess them to him. As silly as he felt, Heechul was giddy with the prospect, and had even smiled to himself as he jogged the remaining distance to the park.

Perhaps, Heechul later thought, he should have realized that his expectations for the encounter were a far cry from reality when he noticed the young woman at Siwon's side. But somewhat naively, or perhaps even hopefully, he had though that Siwon had, for some reason, brought along his sister.

But, as Heechul approached, he realized that the woman was not at all Siwon's sister, and his stomach instantly dropped, leadened, to his shoes.

Siwon had greeted him with a brilliant smile, as he always did, and the young woman was pleased to meet this "Heechul" that Siwon had told her so much about.

There was absolutely no thoughts in Heechul's mind, at all, as he shook hands with the woman, and received the information that she was Siwon's girlfriend, and that the two of them were planning to move from Seoul to a smaller, less-crowded town in the countryside.

They had wanted Heechul to be the first to know, as he and Siwon had shared such a special relationship.

"I'll miss you," Siwon said, hugging Heechul, before he and his girlfriend left.

"...I'll miss you, too," Heechul parroted, not even registering the extent to which these words were true.

"Make sure you write!" Siwon's girlfriend, who already had a high opinion of Heechul, based on what her boyfriend had told her of the elder man, added with a smile.

"I will," Heechul almost comically forced a smile onto his face, with effort worthy of Zeus.

He knew full well that he would not. Not now, when Siwon had someone else, with whom he would spend his life, start a family, devote all the companionship that Heechul had once thought was his.

It was only when the couple had turned to walk home, hand in hand, that Heechul felt a raw, burning pulse of shock jerking his heart, painfully.

The knife that had been sharpened since the beginning of his and Siwon's friendship sliced a deep cut on Heechul's frozen soul.

Heechul's lower lip began to tremble as tears pooled in his eyes and a numbing, weakening tingle spread through the tips of his fingers. His knees couldn't support him anymore, and he took no action in stopping himself from falling to the ground like a ragdoll, caring not for the painful impact that the dirt made with his kneecaps.

He would gladly have had his kneecaps broken, repeatedly, if it would guarantee a place in Siwon's heart.

The b tears didn't fall right away; rather, Heechul's mind registered, for a brief moment of clarity, before it would frantically employ delusion and denial as early as that very evening, that any hopes of having a romantic relationship with Siwon were but dust, and had never been anything more substantial than flimsy tinsel in his own desires.

A gasp sounding as desperate as one of a finally surfaced man, who had been on the brink of drowning, escaped Heechul's lips, and he began to cry, first in silence, then in loud, harsh and heaving sobs.

It wasn't long before his sobs escalated and Heechul drove his fist into the earth over and over. Each punch and animalistic scream was fueled by the image first of Siwon meeting his girlfriend for the first time, realizing that he was interested in her, asking her out on a date, kissing her and starting a life as man and wife with her.

Heechul couldn't bring himself to feel hate or even a sense of unjustice. No, these emotions were dwarfed by the feeling of raw exposure that had overcome him. He was positive that the flaming pain that he felt was what it was like to have one's skin slowly ripped from muscle and bone.

One last long, loud and broken scream trasitioned into inconsolable sobs, once again, as Heechul was crushed, again and again, by a single, repetitive and condemning real mantra.

"He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you."

Heechul cried all the way home. He didn't care if anyone saw him (no one did), and as he walked, he wasn't even consciously aware of where he was going.

He didn't eat supper that night, and he didn't plan on having breakfast the following morning, either. Without showering or at least changing into sleepwear, Heechul curled under the thick blankets of his bed, shivering despite the fact that it was pleasantly cool outside, and welcomingly warm in his apartment.

He couldn't help but to replay all of the precious moments that he had had with Siwon, from the moment that they met, to the first bit of what Heechul had thought was concrete evidence that they were indeed soulmates, and each one mockingly reopened the wounds that they had once closed.

Heechul continued to cry, even past midnight, and even his beloved cat could only curl up beside him as she helplessly watched her master hold his broken heart in trembling hands.

Reality bit even more venemously as Heechul realized that he had never even indicated any romantic attraction for Siwon. In fact, he had perhaps deliberately even insisted that they were just friends, but this was because he wanted to take things slow, and he didn't want Siwon to feel crowded or uncomfortable. Heechul's mind was too fogged, by the time it was two o'clock in the morning, with sorrow and fatigue to find reason in anything, however.

But before he allowed exhaustion and sleep to claim him in what would hopefully be an oblivious lull before the beast of unrequited love came back to rip at his flesh, the following morning, the words that Heechul had wanted to say from the very first time that he had seen Siwon, the words that he had never had the chance to say and the words that at least offered him the reassurance that he had invested a part of himself that could never be reclaimed into a relationship of chance and of blessing, slipped from his lips.

"I love you."

Note:

Thanks for reading! ^^

x Angela