my name is wendy son. and this is the story of how i fell in love with one person and ended up with three.

i was a hospital volunteer when i first saw her.

i had taken up volunteering to boost my resume for post-graduation from university, but i soon found that i enjoyed it and stuck around, visiting patients and keeping them company. it reminded me why i decided to pursue medical school in the first place.

i was three months into volunteering when i came across her sitting in the waiting room in the psychiatric ward.

i had just been called to said department a week prior, by none other than dr. boa kwon herself, head of seoul city general psychiatrics. she told me she saw how i was with the other patients in the hospital and asked if i could start visiting her psych patients to keep them company as well. as it was my area of interest in med school, i accepted easily. after all, a letter of recommendation from boa kwon herself could guarantee me any job i wanted at any hospital.

already i had become familiar with a few patients, but my favorite (if i had to pick) was mr. kang, a jolly man with a bright smile and great sense of humor who suffered from alzheimer’s. he mistakes me for his daughter quite frequently but i never have the heart to tell him otherwise.

but had i known i’d be greeted by the sight of such a beautiful person, i would’ve visited sooner.

she was with another person, a slender girl with sharp features, cat-like monolids, and a warm aura. the beautiful girl sat rigid in her seat, like a doll. her friend looked like she was trying to offer some comfort or reassurance, but the doll remained tense, stiff. no matter how struck i was by her beauty, a part of me felt bad for her and i didn't even know why. it's not as though i knew she was a patient or not. if i wasn't called to dr. kwon's office, i would've stood there longer just to look at her, even at the risk of getting in trouble.

she was that beautiful.

*

i stood in front of dr. kwon's desk, next to the girl, who was sitting in the leather seat as stiff as she did in the waiting room with her companion. i had to concentrate hard to listen to dr. kwon's words because my thoughts kept straying towards the epitome of beauty herself.

"irene, this is wendy son. wendy, this is irene bae. she recently signed up for our new companion program here in psych.”

so that’s why i’m here.

“our program is meant to allow patients to interact with others and find comfort in their companion while they go through treatments and visits. these patients don’t always have someone to be there with them through difficult times, so the program was created to help that. here in psych, we don’t get many volunteers but when i heard about you, wendy, i wanted to reach out to you for your interest.”

that’s why dr. kwon asked for me. she picked me specifically.

“given the consents of both patients and volunteers, we pair them up if they are deemed a good match. now, wendy here has shown amazing progress with the others here on the floor and i felt that you two would be a good pair.”

i took my eyes off of irene in that one moment. my head snapped towards dr. kwon.

the older woman gave a small smile, soft enough to be warm but still professional.

“i’ve told irene many good things about you and your work here at the hospital. i’m sure she’s made some observations of her own as well. right, irene?”

the girl in question could only nod mutely with her head down.

“we discussed about your potential involvement in the program as her designated companion and she has already agreed to it. i called you here today to see if you would like to participate.”

i didn’t know what to think. has irene noticed me all this time? how is it that i never noticed her? someone as beautiful as her can’t be hard to miss. jesus, wendy, focus!

“um i-i would love to. yes. absolutely.”

my head nodded profusely like a bobble-head

it was then that i remembered the cat-like girl next to irene, who sat by her quietly this whole time i forgot she was even there. i would’ve been oblivious to her presence if she hadn’t piped up with questions, asking curiously.

“not to be negative about the program, i mean it sounds great and i’m happy irene will have someone by her side when i’m not able to be, but…irene is…sensitive about her condition. wouldn’t this break patient confidentiality if we let a stranger go with her to therapy and all?”

the cat-like girl had a point. dr. kwon only smiled knowingly.

“if the patient agrees to the program and signs an affidavit granting access, their companion will be given information, with or without limitations set by the patient. at its core, the program’s priority and goal is helping the patient.”

the woman turns to irene, who hadn’t said not one word throughout this entire exchange. if i didn't know better, i would've sworn i saw fear flicker in her eyes.

“irene, you trusted me to find someone suitable for you and i believe that person is wendy. this program has the potential to help you. i truly believe this opportunity will help you gain some control over your life like you wanted. there is nothing to be ashamed of.”

the poor girl flinched and for some reason i already felt inadequate for her. whatever was plaguing her so badly, it was so bad she couldn’t bring herself to speak or even look at me. i bent down to try and look into her downcast eyes, but she only closed them. i was never one to give up though, so i spoke honestly.

“i know you don’t know me well and have only seen me from afar, but i’m willing to give this a try if you are. like dr. kwon said, this is about helping you, and i’m honored to have been given this opportunity to get to know you and help you in any way that you need. if you would let me, i would love to be paired with you.”

the contract was right in front of us and i didn’t even notice until now. documents stating the legalities, rules and requirements of the program. did i agree so readily because of her beauty? does that sound bad? does it make me a bad person for focusing on her appearance so much? whatever it was, i didn’t know. what i did know was that this decision was bigger for irene than it was for me, seeing as she’s the patient in this situation. anybody would hesitate at the thought of a stranger knowing about their health conditions. but irene signed up for it willingly, i thought. she wanted this first didn’t she? i only found out just now.

we all looked at her expectantly for a moment, before irene let out a resigned sigh and reached out for the pen to sign.

that marked the beginning of my journey with irene.

*

her name was irene bae. 25 years old. orphan.

dissociative identity disorder, dr. kwon had said. present for about the past 8 years, the first switch showing when irene was 17 years old, at school.

she has been seen by dr. kwon for the past four years and by the look of the soft smile on dr. kwon's face, i could tell the woman had a soft spot for this girl.

the more i learned about irene from her file, the more i realized it was no wonder now why she seemed so fearful about me knowing.

dissociative identity disorder.

what psych student hasn’t heard of it?

a person with multiple different personalities, each with their own unique lives and names, likes and dislikes. all in one body, the main personality losing control and they don’t even know it until they’re given that control again.

i never would've expected this would be my first psych case but i guess there's a first time for everything.

but between you and me, i'm glad irene was my first.

*

i didn't meet one of the personalities until three weeks later, when irene was due in for her routine visit to see dr. kwon.

as part of the program, i became accustomed to irene’s daily schedule, should she ever request for my presence.

on tuesdays and thursdays, she took classes at a small university, majoring in communications. on the other weekdays, she worked at her aunt and uncle’s laundromat with seulgi. she has every sunday off, and saturdays were designated for sessions with dr. kwon. while the quiet girl hasn’t requested my services yet outside of our saturday sessions, i try to leave my schedule as open as i can in case she needed me.

i knew i made a commitment when i agreed to be irene’s companion in the program, and i didn’t want anything to get in the way of me helping her when she needed it. luckily, i still found a way to balance school along with this. honestly speaking, however, i would’ve made irene one of my top priorities regardless.

there’s just something about her.

accompanied by the same cat-like girl, who i learned was named seulgi, her cousin and caretaker whenever irene dissociates, i came to learn about her what i didn't already learn in her case file. and even then, it wasn't much.

irene simply didn't talk. not a lot at least. she'll answer yes/no questions with a nod or shake of the head, and if i was lucky, i'd get short answers. like when i tried to make small talk and get to know her by asking her what her favorite color was. she smiled softly as she whispered, "purple."

the next time i saw her, i made sure to wear my best purple sweater. and by best, i mean the only one i had that i had to fish out of the corners of my closet and clean repeatedly. but i think irene appreciated the sight of her favorite color on me the next time we met.

that was last week.

now, as i'm leading them to dr. kwon's office, taking a different route since their usual way to it was closed for maintenance, i found myself rambling and walking ahead of them. i didn't even realize i was by myself until i noticed the lack of footsteps behind me and turned around to see irene looking into the hospital's playroom for children, a longing look on her face, slightly agape in awe.

seulgi had her hands on irene's small shoulders, wanting to gently guide her my way so we could continue on our trip to the office.

but something was different about irene. i could sense it.

the quiet, guarded demeanor changed. something about her seemed...young.

it was in the way she would shake her head in protest, a quiet whine escaping her lips as seulgi whispered gently into her ear, hands moving to turn her away from the playroom.

"joohyun, we're almost to dr. kwon's office. you remember dr. kwon, don't you?"

joohyun?

i didn't even have time to register the new name.

the whine got louder. the shaking of the head more quick and violent. a stomp of the foot. another. and another.

"no!"

i stood where i was, watching seulgi patiently try to explain to this new personality. in that moment, i was getting my first look at a vulnerable side to irene, her first switch in front of me, by witnessing this joohyun, who seemed to be quite young if the whines and one worded answers were any indication.

the cries increased in volume and pitch, her slender arms flailing as her body writhed in seulgi’s embrace in attempt to calm her.

irene – no, joohyun eventually slips down to the linoleum, face streaked with tears as her legs kicked and tiny fists punched the ground like it wronged her somehow. i stood there speechless as seulgi tried to keep joohyun from slamming her head onto the hard floor repeatedly in the middle of her tantrum, two hands trying to cradle the crying girl’s cranium. but joohyun wasn’t having any of it.

seulgi turned to me worriedly.

“get dr. kwon. now!”

and so i ran. i didn’t even take the time to explain to dr. kwon about my new revelation, simply telling her as best as i could while i tried to catch my breath from sprinting to her office.

“joohyun…she–she needs you. now!”

we didn’t waste time getting back to seulgi and irene. dr. kwon even called for nurses and a gurney as back up.

by the time we got there, the two girls were slumped against the wall, seulgi singing softly as she the girl’s hair. as for joohyun, it was a sight i never thought i’d see from irene.

the former crying girl was cradled in seulgi’s lap, her face red, covered in sweat and tears with her thumb in , the soft ling being the only sound along with seulgi’s song. she looked exhausted, her brown locks tousled. a bruise could be seen forming on her forehead, standing out against porcelain skin. her other tiny fist held onto the front of seulgi’s shirt like a lifeline.

i felt awful not knowing how to help her like i was supposed to. like joohyun, i felt helpless as well.

i turned to dr. kwon, ashamed, desperately wanting to ask her, “what do we do?”

but the doctor’s eyes were solely on the girl in seulgi’s lap and she carefully knelt down to meet the girl’s eyes, speaking ever so softly for the girl’s sensitive ears (another thing i learned about irene recently).

i strained to hear the whispers.

“joohyun-ah, are you alright? why are you sad?”

joohyun only whimpered and hid her face in seulgi’s neck.

dr. kwon asked again kindly.

“are you having a bad day? do you want to talk to dr. kwon about it?”

no answer.

“joohyun-ah, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk to dr. kwon. i understand. do you want to talk to judy instead?”

that seemed to get joohyun’s attention. i watched her turn her head to face dr. kwon and i could tell she was contemplating the offer to talk to this judy, whoever that was.

a part of me wished irene – er, joohyun would want to talk to me instead. but then i remembered that irene knows me. joohyun doesn’t. this is the first time we’re meeting, and for all i know, a stranger (me) could’ve set the little girl off, however old she may be.

dr. kwon smiled knowingly at joohyun and the girl mustered a small smile of her own from around her thumb.

“what do you say we get off the icky floor and go see judy, yeah? i’m sure she’ll be excited to see you.”

nodding quietly, joohyun crawled off seulgi’s lap and lifted herself off the floor with weak legs, her hand only leaving to prop herself up and returning to it once she was upright and leaning against seulgi’s side tiredly.

at that moment, the nurses arrived with the gurney and joohyun looked ready to shriek and cry again, hiding behind seulgi immediately as the taller girl tried to reassure her.

“hey, hey, hey, it’s ok, you’re alright, joohyun.”

dr. kwon told the newcomers to leave and turned to look at joohyun apologetically.

“i’m sorry that scared you, joohyun. but it’s okay. let’s go visit judy now, yeah?”

the older woman led the way to her office as i trailed behind joohyun and seulgi.

there were too many thoughts racing through my head. so much happened in a short span of time and there was so much for me to process. i didn’t know what to make of it to be honest, but after what i just saw, i could see why irene was nervous about having me. that was a vulnerable moment for her, and me still being a stranger must’ve made it worse for her to experience it.

i knew people with the disorder couldn’t control it. and it made me understand irene a little bit more but also gave me more questions. sure, i could’ve been the trigger, but surely whatever irene saw in the playroom really set her off too.

i didn’t have time to contemplate about it for long. we arrived at dr. kwon’s office.

i guess it’s time to talk to judy.

*

cookies for whoever can figure out who judy is...