it hasn’t been that long.

the feeling of baekhyun’s dark hair under my fingertips. the gentle touches of his skin against mine. his raspy, warm voice greeting me every morning in the kitchen while i’m cooking and his head finding comfort in the crook of my neck. i let all these memories take over me as i close the door to our old apartment and make my leave. it’s been a whole year and i’m still not used to the cold, bustling streets of seoul in the middle of winter. just like i can’t seem to get used to my new life without baekhyun by my side. his bright, cheery eyes directed towards me and only me. his contagious laugh being able to brighten even the worst of my days. his general presence giving me a feeling of warmth and protection that i had only ever experienced with him. i feel a drop of water fall upon my cheek. it wasn’t uncommon for me to just cry out of nowhere. i throw my hood up, over my head and watch as the snow falls gently upon the ground, wetting the previously dry pavement.

it’s been too long.

i feel as though i’m constantly in a trance, a few steps from falling out of reality. walking down the same path every morning, to the same local cafe around the corner, and ordering the usual americano every single day makes me wonder what exactly the point of living is. byun baekhyun. the man who showed me that love was more than just a word. byun baekhyun. the same man that smashed my heart and left nothing but small, scattered shards lying around, stabbing me whenever i even try to put it back together. byun baekhyun. the exact same man who was and still is my reason for living, even when all i want to do is end it all. sometimes i wish i had never even met baekhyun. maybe then i wouldn’t be suffering on a daily basis with thoughts of him overflowing my mind. sometimes i wonder if he feels the same way as i do or is living a happier life without me. at this point i can’t even say which one i’d prefer. baekhyun leading on a happy successful life is all i’d want for him. but leading that life with another person other than myself, is that really what i want. or baekhyun having to deal with the pain i go through everyday with my mind filled with thoughts of him and only him. it gives me a sense of hope, i’ll be honest, a fake one at that, but still. without baekhyun i wouldn’t have been able to experience what a great thing life is and how refreshing it is to actually get out of bed and go outside. without him i wouldn’t have to deal with such a harsh breakup at the peak of my life. and now, in this cold, winter weather, all i want it someone’s, baekhyun’s, warm embrace around me, comforting and protecting me. but without baekhyun, i’m cold and dead inside.

it’s been long enough.

the cashier has the same chocolate brown eyes as baekhyun. the only difference being that they don’t give me the familiar warmth that baekhyun’s do. i order the usual, an americano. coming here nearly everyday for a year had it’s perks in a way, i’ll admit. after my name is called i head over and pick up my order and head over to my usual seat in the far back corner. i’ve always liked sitting near a window just for the view. watching everyone walk by in a hurry while you’re sitting cozy inside the cafe was peaceful to me in a way. i couldn't exactly explain how, but being separated from the hectic world by a window frame was satisfying to me. i put on my earphones and sit back in my chair, sipping on my coffee as i try to avoid looking through my messages today. scrolling through past conversations i had with baekhyun was often something i’d find myself unconsciously doing, but whenever i reached the end, which consisted of my pleas and cries for baekhyun to come back, i immediately regretted it. instead i decide to scroll through my sns, updating myself on what had been going on with everyone else. that is until i hear an all too familiar name being called out. it isn’t baekhyun. it’s never baekhyun. i refuse to look up and trick myself into thinking he’s actually here. just like when i’m in the lounge and i hear a knock at my door. i jump up in hopes of it being baekhyun at the door, bringing me back into his life, until i come back to reality and am confronted with a stack of mail from my neighbor. our mail had been mixed up, yet again. i raise the volume up on my phone as the phrase ‘i’ll see you after work’ fades out. i take a sip of my coffee which fill me with a sense of warmth. a fake sense, that is. i’ve only ever felt real warmth between baekhyun’s arms. and this coffee isn’t baekhyun. and it will never be baekhyun.