Soohyun wasn't sure of where he was. After the few hours he had spent just getting on subways after subways, and on trains after trains, and of not keeping track, he was a bit lost. He'd probably find his way back -he was good at finding his way. However, he had no want to find his way back to his ty ranted place just insdie of Seoul. No, he'd rather keep on wandering.

At the announcement that the station they were at was the last one, he got up with a sigh and got out of the train with everyone. Looking at the map, he was nearly out of Seoul. Maybe he could leave. It sounded nice, more than nice. Leaving Seoul, going back home, and just... finding a job to keep them all alive. It was the decision he should have taken, not leaving for Seoul and trying to be a singer. What had been his chances of actually debuting? Even if he had found an agency ready to take him?

When he looked around himself, he realised he had followed people until he had found his way into the streets. It was nighttime already. Soohyun felt tears threatening to fall as he looked around. Seoul looked ugly to him at that moment. Where he came from, every kids dreamt of heading up to Seoul, and to live there. He had been the same, but since he'd got here, he had slowly started to hate the city more and more. The tall buildings, the people, the smell, the atmosphere, he had come to hate all of this.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where to go to get to ?"

A young woman who was talking in dialect was looking up at him expectantly. He blinked once before he told her what line to take and what station to stop at, and the changes she'd have to do. She thanked him with a smile and smal bow before she was off to take the subway to where she was headed. Part of him wished her luck in this city, but a darker part wished she'd fail as hard as he had.

Looking around himself again, he looked at the buildings which were smaller here than in the center of Seoul. There was a lot less people too. But even then, he didn't want to be here. He looked for a sign which would show him the way out of Seoul. Once he had found one, he went in that direction.

As he reached a road with rocks and grass on the side, he felt a smile making its way on his face. He could see buildings on the side, but they were less of them, and most importantly, nobody was walking in the street with him. Cars were passing by, but it didn't matter.

After walking for a while, he realised he should probably head back to his apartment. The walk outside of Seoul had made him calmer, not quite happier, but definitely feeling better enough to think of trying out for other auditions, even if he knew he wouldn't make it. He looked at the buildings increasing in number as he got closer to the train station, looked at the increasing number of people too.

"Hm, excuse me?"

Soohyun turned around to see a boy probably in middle school - or was he in high school? - looking at him.

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind telling me how to go to Yeongdeungpo-gu?"

"I'm going in that direction, I can take you there."

"Uh... Okay."

The boy followed after him when he started walking. He looked lost, and a bit scared - which made sense since it was already nearing midnight, and he obviously wasn't from Seoul if the giangtic bag he was carrying meant anything. Being lost in Seoul wasn't a fun thing, so at night? Soohyun didn't believe anything bad would happen to the boy, but it was scary to be alone at night.

"What's your name?"

"Hoonmin," the boy answered, and Soohyun thought it was stupid to give your name so easily, but at least he wasn't guiding someone he didn't know the name of. "What is yours?"

"Soohyun."

For the most part of their journey, their convesation stopped at that. Hoonmin followed quietly after him as they walked through the corridors between changes, and waited next to him in the subways. Only when they neared the boy's destination did Soohyun speak up.

"D'you know where to go from there?"

Hoonmin nodded with confidence which reassured Soohyun. As someone older, he had to be the responsible one, and he couldn't just let a kid on his own that late at night. Or maybe it was just that he had been in the boy's shoes and didn't wish that for anyone. Lost at night in a big city, it wasn't fun, and it was quite terrifying actually.

"Okay, good," Soohyun nodded, and kept quiet as they reached the boy's stop.

"Thank you, Soohyun ssi," the boy bowed, nearly falling over because of the bag on his shoulders, and Soohyun had to catch him. The boy looked quite embarrassed, ears turning red, but he was smiling nonetheless. "Thank you."

Soohyun shrugged and the boy got off after thanking him one last time.

It didn't matter but Soohyun wondered what the boy had come to Seoul for. He was alone, with only a bag - yeah, it had been huge, but it wasn't a luggage. Maybe he was on holiday? Although Soohyun was pretty sure it wasn't holiday time yet. Was he moving? In the middle of the year, it was unlikely, but who knew. And why wasn't he with his parents? Was he like Soohyun- leaving home and leaving school? He hoped not, he'd get eaten alive.

***

"Soohyun, come over here."

Soohyun looked around at his friends lying around the practice room in varying state of exhaustion, and some of them looked back at him. Turning back to the dance teacher, he stood up and went to him. The man left the room, and Soohyun followed after him. They stopped a ways from the practice room and the dance teacher turned toward him with a sigh. Soohyun knew what to expect, but he didn't want to believe it.

"The team's been talking, and... we agreed you should leave," the man told him. "We're thinking of cutting down the number of trainees, we're just starting with you."

It sounded awful, but Soohyun didn't care about that, no, he could only think that he had finally managed to find a company which had accepted him, that'd he'd been training for nearly two years, and that he was basically being thrown away. He didn't have it in him to protest, he didn't have it in him to ask why. He didn't need to be hurt more.

"Do I have to be gone from the dorms by tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll be going then. Thank you."

The dance teacher nodded, and left. Soohyun quietly went back to the practice room, took his things and left without hearing the others asking what was wrong. Before any of them was back in the dorms, he had washed and packed, and he was ready to leave. He'd have to find a place to stay at.

As he walked in the streets with his luggage, he decided to go back home for a while. He'd tell his mother that he was given the possibility to go back home for a little while. He'd stay long enough to search for a place to stay at.

With that idea in mind, he headed for home while half not being there. Someone stumbled on his luggage, and they apologised profusely before going on their way. Soohyun felt his blood boil. It wasn't their fault, but it just triggered him. But he was tired to get angry - he just ended up crying, in the middle of the street, but nobody really looked at him. He only saw the back of the person who had triggered his tears - it was a man, like any other.

***

Finally. He couldn't believe it. Honestly, he couldn't believe it. They would debut. He would debut. It was surreal. He had been trying to do so for years. Years of being looked down upon, of being mocked, disregard. Years of being called ugly. Years of 'your voice's not that good'. Trainees, judges, dance teacher, singing teacher, everyone alike. But he'd done it. He'd debut. His mother would be so proud.

"KI-SUS. On stand-by."

They're going to debut. The four of them would debut. All of the others were just as happy as he was. Just as exicted and nervous. One of them had thrown up. Soohyun was jittery, he couldn't stay in place, he was pacing as he did some last minute warm up. Before he was ready, and finally, they were gettting on stage. After a last 'fighting', they were heading onto the stage.

***

They'd debuted 4 months ago, and were having their first comeback. Being from a small company, they didn't have lots of fans, but they loved each and everyone of them. And they were coming back with a great song - at least, he thought it was a great one, and so did the company. Hopefully, they'd stand out with this one.

Still being rookies, they shared their waiting room with another group and a solo artist. They'd been practice nonstop, he hadn't been keeping up with debuts and comebacks so he didn't know who they were until they entered the room, and he saw the friends he had in his last company - well, only 6 of them, the others didn't make the cut.

"Soohyun!"

The one he had been closest with shouted as he came running and hugged Soohyun. They were still in contact, but they hadn't talked in a while.

"You made it? Why didn't you tell me you'd debut?"

"Thought I'd surprise you. Because if you had seen I'd make a debut, you'd have texted me."

"Definitely."

They talked happily, the two of them feeling blessed that they had managed to debut, even if not in the same group.

As it was, they ended up sharing waiting rooms for their entire promotion period. The two groups bonded with each other during that period. On the last day of promotion, he was looking at all the performances, but not absentmindly like he had been doing until then, he was actually looking at all of them. That day, they were sharing their waiting room with that solo artist again - Yeo Hoonmin. He'd never really looked at the guy. Honestly, he was often sleeping, or chatting with s, or the ones from T4M.

Performances went by, some he liked, some he didn't care about but still looked at. The Yeo Hoonmin guy came back after his turn, but Soohyun was looking at the monitoring screen. The guy's performance had come and gone. Soohyun liked the song enough, and the guy's voice was fine, but really, it didn't stand out that much.

When it neared the end, Soohyun went to the bathroom and stumbled on something he probably shouldn't have stumbled upon at the next corner. A boy, and probably his manager, and the latter sounded angry even if he was talking in a rather quiet voice.

"Get it right or you're out. We don't need half-assed ers using our money."

"I'm sorry," the boy was looking down, hand before himself and held together, his whole body leaning forward, bowed forward. "I'm trying my b--"

"Stop apologising. Do it right, or just stop it."

As the manager turned to leave, Soohyun walked towards them as if he hadn't stopped to stay out of sight, and acted as if he hadn't heard anything. He didn't look at the manager, didn't look at the boy more than glanced at him. It wasn't his fight, and he had no want to be pulled into it.

However, the sound of the door of the toilets opening, and of quiet sobbing in the next stall made him feel bad. Even then, he didn't do anything and just went back to his waiting room.

***

"Please take care of me."

Yeo Hoonmin was being introduced to them as an added member. They had debuted as a group who could get new members through the years but never exceeding 7. And that soloist was added to their group. A dance group. The guy had probably never danced in his life, never learnt how to dance. Their comeback was in two months, how would the guy make it?

"He's been training for 3 months already. And he already had experience in being on stage so we thought it was the best addition we could make."

And then the representent left them to their practice. The dance teacher went over the routine with Hoonmin while they practiced on their own for the time being, until the dance teacher called for a break. Hoonmin stayed on his side while the other members were on their side. If they were to work together, they should probably try and talk with him, but the announcement of his addition had come from nowhere, and all the members felt like he did - could the guy make it? Could he really get used to the dance, and to dancing in two months?

The dance teacher came back, and they started getting used to the routine with one more person. All of them got confused, and the dance teach got fed up with them, getting frustrated and angry, he ended practice early, telling them to work on their own, and that he'd come back the next day expecting progress.

They spent the night in the dance practice to try and get it right. In the end, they managed to not step on each other all the time, but it didn't look quite right. But all of them were tired beyond exhaustion, and barely managed to make it back to the dorms - actually, Eli had fallen asleep in one of the individual pratice rooms, and they hadn't been able to wake him.

Soohyun and Kevin shared the biggest room, so Hoonmin was put in their room. He only had a mattress, but he didn't seem to mind as he waited for everyone to have washed while lying on it. And then he went to wash up too. Soohyun fell asleep before he came back in the room. His last thought was that Hoonmin was going to suffer from all the dancing.

***

Three days before their comeback. Hoonmin - well, Hoon, since it was his stage name, had managed to overcome the hurdle that was dancing admirably. All the members, and the dance teacher, were amazed. It wasn't that he had amazing dancing skills, but 5 months ago, he hadn't known a thing about dancing, and he managed to get the moves right, a bit awkward, but not overall awful.

But as amazed as they were, there was an awkwardness between them and Hoon. He talked to them, and did joke with them, but it always felt like he was cutting himself from them, keeping himself from them. Kevin was amicable and easy to talk to, but even with him, Hoon was awkward. None of them knew what to do. They had to work together, and they had to be a close-knit group in front of the cameras. It wouldn't do.

As the leader, Soohyun had been asked by the company to try and do something about it. But Soohyun had no idea what to do, really.

"Hm, Hoon?"

"Yes?"

"Could you stay after practice today?"

Hoon blinked and frowned but nodded. Soohyun nodded back feeling awkward before going back to his stretching with the other members, on the other side of the room. It was a clear sign of the gap between them, Hoon always stayed on one side of the practice room, and the others on the other side. It wasn't a thoughthrough decision, it just happened. And it was only one example of the awkwardness between them and Hoon.

When they ate, he ate with them, but he always put distance between himself and the one he was sat next to. When in the dorm, he usually stayed to himself. It didn't mean he didn't initiate conversation, but it felt forced.

"Okay kids," the dance teacher came into the room and all of them gathered in the middle of the room. "Only 3 days before your comeback, give your whole into practcing."

And they did. Until 2 in the morning. All of them only wanted to head home, but Soohyun needed to talk to Hoon. The younger had gathered his things and was waiting on his side of the room with his bag in hand. With a quiet sigh, Soohyun went up to him. Since the others were in the room, he suggested going somewhere else and Hoon followed him to a corridor away from the practice room. Being 2 in the morning, the building was rather empty.

"Hoon--"

"Did I do something wrong? I'll do better, I'm sorry."

Before Soohyun could even say anything, Hoon was bowing 90° at him, apologising for something he didn't know. It was even more awkward.

"You did nothing wrong," Soohyun shook his head, and Hoon stood straight again, looking confused. "It's just, the company asked me to talk to you about the awkwardness between the members and you. I mean, we're supposed to appear all close to each other on camera."

"I'll act accordingly on camera. Don't worry."

Soohyun scowled at that. It sounded cold. Hoon's eyes looked void of any emotions. Really, he'd never actually looked at the other for so long. It was weird to realise that since they'd been living with each other for 2 months. Living with each other.

"The members and I were wondering why you're so awkward with us too. Did we do something wrong?"

"No."

"Then?"

Hoon shrugged. Soohyun wasn't sure he was reading the younger right, but he looked tense. Shoulders stiff, jaw tightly clenched. Was he tense? Angry? Irritated? Defensive? Soohyun went with tense, but maybe Hoon just wanted to go home and sleep and was having difficulty not lashing out on Soohyun. That thought had Soohyun himself tensing a bit, out of irritation.

"I'll do my best to appear as not awkward as possible with you all on camera. I'm sorry I may put the group in danger."

Before Soohyun could answer anything, Hoon was bowing to him and leaving. It was rude, and unlike Hoon. The younger always made sure to show respect to him. It had been difficult to get him to call him hyung, and not sunbaenim - well, he hadn't managed to actually, he called him hyungnim. It was stupid really, they only had a few months of difference between their respective debut dates.

As it was, Soohyun couldn't do much about Hoon being awkward or not apparently. And the younger didn't seem to want to get rid of the awkwardness

***

Promotion was finished. The fans liked the cute bunny with the nice voice enough. True to his words, Hoon had not acted awkward on camera. He had been lively, and had stayed close to the group. But everytime the camera was switched off, he moved away from them. The company didn't care. As long as they looked good on camera, it was all that mattered. The members had given up hope on Hoon becoming closer to them. Soohyun had too.

It was a short period before their next comeback, and they were all dying because they were exhausted from the last comeback but were preparing a new one. They tried to think of the fans to keep on going. Sometimes it worked, other times they were just dying on the floor, missing their parents and family, and just tired.

***

It had been nearly a year since Hoon had been added, and another member had been added a few months back, and they were nearing their second year, and were currently working on a full album.

The one who was added was young, younger than all of them, but he had fit in just fine. All of them liked him, and even Hoon seemed to be close to him. The others, including Soohyun, weren't sure of how to feel about that. But they guessed it was good he was actually close to one of them, it made a bit less awkward.

However, one day Kevin told him that Dongho had told him that Hoon had been acting weird. None of them had felt like he had been acted differently, but since Dongho was the closest to Hoon, Soohyun decided to talk to him. He was pretty sure it would end up with Hoon apologising and leaving. He had try to talk to Hoon about the awkwardness again at first, and that was how it had always ended.

He entered the individual practice room he knew Hoon was in. The younger had his back to him, and he had headphones on so he didn't hear him enter. Hoon was on his phone, looking at something - that something ended up being a picture of a teenager who was slightly overweight and was wearing glasses. The kid reminded Soohyun of someone.

"Who is it?" Soohyun asked as he took of Hoon's headphones, and the younger jumped in surprise. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Hoon had a hand over his undoubtely racing heart, and shook his head.

"Do you need something, hyungnim?"

"Well, I was wondering who was the boy in the picture."

Hoon scowled and grimaced, but only for a second. He didn't look like he wanted to tell, but he was trying to hide it.

"Me."

"You?"

"Yeah, me. A few months before I came to Seoul."

"You lost a lot of weight."

"Yeah, I know," he sounded... well, Soohyun wasn't sure what Hoon sounded like, but he certainly didn't sound like he wanted to be talking about that. "Was it the reason you came here, hyungnim?"

He was trying to keep a neutral voice, but irritation was seeping in his voice.

"No. Is something going on with you?"

"No," Hoon replied curtly. "I'm sorry if it seemed so."

"There's nothing to be sorry about."

Hoon shrugged, and for some reason, Soohyun was getting angry. It was probably the fact Hoon always acted like they were all close in front of the camera, but never actually tried to do anything for it to happen. The fact he always seemed to get irritated when they tried to ask about his life. It shouldn't anger him, he shouldn't care as long as everyone thought they were okay, but he didn't like lying to the fans. He knew it was necessary, but he didn't like it.

"Do you hate us or something? Did we do something? Or d'you just hate everyone?" Soohyun asked a bit abruptly. "Can't you answer honestly for once?"

Hoon was surprised by Soohyun's tone; Soohyun did get angry, and he could be harsh when one of them did wrong, and Hoon had been on the receiving end before, but it was msot often because he was slacking in practice.

"I answered those questions before."

"And you're telling me you were being honest?"

"Yes."

"Then what's wrong with you? Why d'you always keep away from us?"

Something in Soohyun's tone, word or behavior seemed to have touch a sensitive nerve because Hoon was getting up, and looking angry.

"Do I have to tell you everything, leadernim?"

"We're a group, we're supposed to work together for the fans."

"Which we are doing. D'you know how many groups actually don't get along, or even can't stand each other? They work just fine."

"So all those times you apologised, you didn't actually care?"

Hoon sighed as he looked away.

"I do. I mean it when I apologise."

"Then what? Saying sorry doesn't matter if you don't try to do something about it."

"I'm close to you on camera."

"That's the issue. Nice, people think we're close, but it's a ing lie!"

"And? This whole industry is based off lies. We're pretending to be perfect. Nice. Pretty. Never get angry. Always full of love. Always fine. it, we're never ing fine. You're lying to the fans when you say you're fine when you didn't sleep for the last two days."

"It's not to worry them."

"Then it's the same ing thing," Hoon exclaimed. "I'm acting like I'm close to you not to worry the fans. Everything's fine. I don't hate you, I hope you don't hate me."

"It's not the same thing!"

"What's different?" Hoon asked, anger rising. "What's so different!?"

"You could try. You don't even try to get closer to us!"

"We're close enough. Not close like the fans would like, but close enough."

"We don't know a thing about you!"

"You don't need to," Hoon retorted. "We're not here to become best friends. We're working."

Soohyun didn't really have anything to reply to that because Hoon was right, and it made him madder. Seeing Hoon looking like he had won didn't help the feeling. Hoon was about to leave the room, but Soohyun grabbed his arm and pulled him back. The younger's back collided with the wall a bit strongly.

"You don't just leave like that. That's rude."

"..."

The shock of Soohyun being physcially violent seemed to have left Hoon speechless. He was standing there, his back to the wall and looking at Soohyun like he couldn't believe what had happened.

"Won't you apologise like you're so good at?"

"... I'm sorry. I guess I went overboard. I shouldn't have acted like I did. You're the leader, and you're older than me."

The apology angered Soohyun even more. He didn't actually want one, he wanted Hoon to get angry, to be full of raw ing emotion like when he sang, and to stop being so fake around them - because really, that's how he was, wasn't he? He never told anyone about himself. He never seemed to actually enjoy himself. Never seemed to want to be there. At first, Soohyun had just thought he was maybe simply reserved, but as they all lost hope in Hoon becoming closer to them, Soohyun started thinking more and more that Hoon was voluntarily keeping a distance since he wasn't even trying.

" you!" Soohyun spit at him. "Really, you. You're always ing aplogising, but you don't try to change a ing thing."

The insulting seemed to rile him again.

"What does it ing change!? Why d'you ing want me to be close to you!?"

"Because I don't like lying to the fans when we could not be lying to them!"

"You think I do? You think I like acting like something I'm not on camera?"

"Then why d'you lie!?"

"I'll get kicked out if I don't act like I do! I'm not giving up now! I've spent years to get a shot at my dream, I'm not giving up! I don't ing care that it's not up to your morals, I'm not giving up! Moral doesn't ing exist in this world!"

This time Soohyun didn't hold Hoon back when he tried to leave. Making Hoon stay would have been stupid, and possibly could have led to them physically fighting. No need for that. And as much as Soohyun's blood was boiling, he had the mind not to try and do that. It would be a bigger issue than Hoon being fake, and awkward.

Soohyun stayed standing and breathing heavily for a few minutes before he sighed. As he was about to leave the room, he realised Hoon had left his phone on the floor. It was still displaying the picture of the boy - it was Hoon's wallpaper. It was Hoon a few years back... It probably was why it reminded him of someone. Should he let the phone in the room, or should he bring it home and make up with Hoon when he'd give it back?

With a sigh, he picked it up and went downtsairs. The members all turned to look at him.

"What?"

"Hoon ran out of the building saying he'd go back on foot."

It was cold outside. Soohyun hated his role as a leader in those moments when he made a mistake. What was done was done though.

"Can't be helped... Let's head home."

The others nodded and they all got into the car. Despite himself, Soohyun looked for Hoon in the streets. And when they got home and everyone was going about their routine of washing up, eating, playing and stuff before going to bed, Soohyun washed up quickly and then sat on the couch waiting for Hoon.

Even when everyone had retreated in their rooms for the night, Soohyun waited.

He waited for 4 hours, and he jumped up at the sound of the entrance door opening. The living room light was still on so Hoon saw him when he entered, but the younger looked away and headed for the bathroom without even acknowledging his presence.

"Hoon."

Hoon kept on walking but stopped just in front of the bathroom door.

"What?"

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, and cursing at you, and throwing you against the wall like I did."

"You're just apologising so we don't have a bad relation and you won't have to lie more to the fans?"

"This has nothing to do with the fans," Soohyun replied confused. "I'm apologising because I shouldn't have done that. Especially since I'm older, and the leader."

"... You're forgiven. I'm sorry I was disrespectful too," Hoon apologised. "Can I go wash now?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure."

Hoon nodded, still not looking at Soohyun as he entered the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. As he stared at the closed door, Soohyun realised he still had the younger's phone. Going to bed, he put the phone on the younger's bed after looking at the picture of younger Hoon again.

***

"Hyung, Hoon hyung is acting really weird."

"Kevin told me. But Hoon doesn't talk to me, I can't do anything."

"I wouldn't come to tell you if I wasn't really worried."

Soohyun finally stopped playing on his phone and looked at the boy who was staring at him as if he had the solution to the current issue. Which he didn't have.

"Dongho, when I went to talk to Hoon he came back home on foot in the cold of the night."

"... Hoon hyung has been losing weight."

"Like all of us. The new choreography is killing all of us."

"It's more than that. Hyung, you've lost 3 kg, he's lost at least 6."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Can't you see it?"

"I don't see it. Do the others see it?"

Dongho sighed, and he looked defeated, like the only solution to wolrd's issues ended up being false.

"Nevermind. Sorry for bothering you, hyung."

***

Soohyun realised Dongho had been right when Yeo Hoonmin, ex-taekwondo fighter, fainted about two weeks before their comeback while they were only beginning practice. Hoon insisted he was fine, and wasn't taken to the hospital, but Soohyun had stared at the unconscious Hoon, and he had seen the loss of weight which wasn't natural at all.

Hoon was taken back to the dorm, and Soohyun suggested he stayed with the younger to make sure nothing bad happened to him. The manager said he could do that, but Soohyun insisted, and in the end, he was allowed to miss practice to look over Hoon who looked suspicious.

When they were left alone by the manager who insisted Soohyun called if anything at all happened or was needed, Soohyun turned to look at Hoon.

"What's going on?"

"...I'm sorry."

Soohyun really just wanted to not care about what was happening - it wasn't his life, wasn't his problem... except it was. Being the leader and eldest meant it was his problem if one of the members fainted.

"That's not what I asked, Hoonmin."

"What do want to know, hyungnim?"

"What's wrong with you, that's what I want to know."

Hoon scowled, and looked away.

"I guess I'm tired."

"... How much do you weigh?"

Hoon's head turned around to look at Soohyun again.

"Huh?"

"How much do you weigh, Hoon?"

"60," Hoon answered. Too quickly.

"You lost a lot of weight."

"Everyone did, hyungnim," Hoon replied. "The dance is demanding."

"No one lost nearly 10 kg."

"I was bigger so I lost more."

Soohyun liked the fact he had lost weight himself, he always felt like he could lose more, but... Hoon looked sickly thin compared to how he looked before. Hoon was big because he had muscles, he was built, and he had a nice body. Losing 2 to 3 kg was okay, but 10kg? It was... scary to see. And he even wondered if Hoon wasn't lying on his weight.

For him not to have seen it, it really meant he didn't look at Hoon. Dongho probably thought he was a bad leader - which he probably was, he had never asked for the job, and he did his best, but he wasn't meant for it.

"Ho--"

"I'm tired. Could you let me sleep, please?"

Soohyun bit his tongue but nodded. Hoon thanked him, and Soohyun was sure he could see relief in his features. He knew Soohyun knew.

***

A wavering Hoon was not what Soohyun wanted. At one point, he would have cared only for the group, but seeing it affect his personna in front of the cameras meant that the younger really was about to break for good.

A faltering Hoon couldn't mean anything good, could it?

***

Hoon had mastered the skill of avoiding Soohyun. He even spent time with the other members if it meant staying away from him. According to Kevin, it felt like him and Hoon were growing closer. At least something good came out of the situation. If Soohyun managed to get Hoon on his own, he was quick to run away. He couldn't talk about the issue with Hoon. And when he talked about it with the company they said he was imagining things, that Hoon looked just fine, that he was heading in the right direction because he would soon be as slim as Kiseop.

Dongho looked more defeated each day. He had looked happy when he was first into the group, he had lost the sparkles in his eyes in record time. It had been a year he was in the group. They'd had a couple comeback since their first album. And in a month it would be their third anniversary. Hoon had fainted 3 times since the first time. And Kevin who was always on SNS said that the fans were worrying about Hoon's weight. By then, all the members had realised his weight loss was worrying.

Kevin was slightly worried, but he didn't say anything. Eli frowned when he looked at Hoon, but didn't say anything either. Kiseop had tried to talk to Hoon about it once, and they couldn't even be in the say room for a whole month.

However when Kevin and Dongho told them all that Hoon was thinking of doing plastic surgery, it got all them saying stop. As leader, Soohyun was once again in charge of talking to Hoon. He had argued against it saying Hoon was always avoiding him, and that they were the most awkward, but the members just said they'd make it so Hoon would have to talk to each other.

That's how Hoon and Soohyun found themselves locked inside the bedroom with no way out.

"What the hell? Let us out."

"Soohyun hyung's got something to tell you. We'll let you out once you've talked it out."

Hoon turned around to look at Soohyun. He didn't look angry - no, he looked scared. It was the first time seeing Hoon actually scared. Scared, and betrayed. He turned back toward the door, staring at it.

"I trusted them..."

"They care."

"No, they don't. They just..."

"What?"

"..."

Soohyun didn't want to be there, he felt awkward, and didn't know how he should go about it, but since he was there.

"Hoon, it's been a year. How much do you weigh?"

"... 60."

"How much do you really weigh?"

"It... 55."

Soohyun expected less. Small mercies. Hoon was still staring at the door.

"You've got closer to the others."

"They're nice..."

"D'you really think they betrayed you?"

"I don't know."

"You always kept to yourself."

"I thought they wouldn't look down on me anymore."

The answers were automatic, as if a robot was giving them, and it was scaring Soohyun a little. Hoon wasn't close to him, and he had always acted rather fake around him, but he had never acted in such way.

"Why?"

"I didn't look like a pig anymore. At least I didn't look like a pig anymore. So it meant people wouldn't hate me, wouldn't look down on me."

"When did you ever look like a pig?"

It stopped the robot like answers, and Hoon turned back as he threw his phone to Soohyun. It startled the latter who looked down at the thing in his laps. His wallpaper still was younger and slightly overweight Hoon. Soohyun picked it up. Surely he didn't look like a model, and losing weight was needed for the person in the picture, but when he had first met Hoon, he hadn't looked one bit overweight. But even back then, how did he look like a pig? He looked like a kid.

"Can't you see the pig?"

"I see a teenager with glasses."

"That's a ing pig with glasses."

"No, that's not."

Hoon came to sit next to him, taking his phone from the elder's hands and showing him other pictures of a younger Hoon. And seeing him without glasses, and not overweight anymore but chubby, something clicked in Soohyun's mind.

"You're the kid from Yeodeungpa !"

The younger frowned, confused, and surprised at the same time.

"How d'you know where I lived when I first came to Seoul?"

"You were lost, and asked me your way. I went in the same direction so you rode the train with me."

Soohyun was surprised he remembered that detail, but it had been a meaningful day for him. Hoon still looked confused, but soon confusion was replaced by anger again.

"It doesn't matter, I was a pig, and I finally started looking like something acceptable last year."

"You looked fine."

"No, I didn't! I can't dance. I was always proud of my voice, but I realised I wasn't that good - everyone told me that, everyone kept on telling me I wasn't that good, that I could barely sing. So at least I should look acceptable. I can't do much, but at least that."

Hoon looked about to lose it, and Soohyun didn't know what to do. And he wasn't given the time to think about it because Hoon burst into tears with no prior notice, and he just went to fall on his bed.

Soohyun couldn't do anything for Hoon. He couldn't help him, not on his own, not with just the members, it was profesional help he needed. Clearly, his self-image was beyond low, and wrong.

As the others filled the room as soon as he called for them and heard Hoon crying, Soohyun thought that he had been right, the kid had been eaten alive.

***

 

Yeo Hoonmin was a good singer, a good-looking young man, a warm-hearted person. That's what Soohyun couldn't help thinking as Hoon got better bit by bit and started to be more confident, and more free. That kid he had met had looked sweet, and full of life, and he hoped with all his heart Hoon could find at least a bit of it back.

Yeo Hoonmin was worth loving.

And maybe Shin Soohyun wanted to love him.

 

***

It had been four months since their fourth anniversary. Dongho was telling them he was quitting. He couldn't take the life, he didn't want that life anymore. Soohyun would be hypocrite to tell the younger he'd get okay, he knew it probably wouldn't. Dongho was getting sick more and more often, it couldn't be a good sign.

Eli and Kevin both accepted it, although they felt sad. Kiseop didn't say anything. Hoon was the one who was the most affected, but he didn't ask Dongho to stay - he'd have done the same, he nearly had done the same.

When they all went to bed, Hoon was the last one to wander around the rooms. As Soohyun was heading for bed, the younger called for him.

"Soohyun hyung, I remember. That time when I first came to Seoul and you helped me find my way."

"Do you?"

"Yeah," Hoon smiled and then laughed, "You should have left me on the streets. And I've been scared enough to go back home, and I would have given up my dream."

"Would you have really given up?"

"No. I was strong back then. Naive but strong. Growing up made me weaker."

"Someone you trusted insulted you. Several people you trusted insulted you. Your weight. Your looks. Your skills. I think it'd affect more than one person. They were manipulators, those are goods at getting under your skin."

"I know."

Hoon was looking at floor of the living room in silence, only looking up when Soohyun spoke up.

"You never gave up though," Soohyun remarked. "You thought you weren't good enough, but you still went on. You kept on going. You thought you could get better."

"In the wrong way."

"But you didn't give up."

"I didn't. I promised myself I'd never give up. No matter what, I shouldn't give up."

"You kept to it."

Hoon was silent for a while. Thinking. And then he looked at Soohyun again.

"I did."

Soohyun smiled, and Hoon smiled back, grinned even - he had been told that smiling made you feel happier, and he used that all the time. He was always smiling, always laughing, even if it was forced. But this time it wasn't forced, it was real.

"I kept my promise to myself."

***

Soohyun and Hoon had been growing closer and closer since their third anniversary, and since the younger had gone to therapy. He only went once every six months since their fourth anniversary. That day, he had his appointment. It was a vacation day for them all.

Hoon came back home making a lot of noise - as usual. Entering the bedroom, he came to sit on Soohyun's bed.

"Hyung."

Soohyun turned to Hoon who was way to close for comfort. When he felt lips on his, he thought that maybe the younger hadn't been close enough until that moment if it meant feeling what he was feeling.

 

***

In a few days, it'd be the group's fifth anniversary. And their 6 months anniversary. The members had started living on their own, and Soohyun and Hoon had decided to share an apartment. Hoon's parents had bought the apartment as a present for their son. But they knew what Soohyun was to him so they didn't mind.

Hoon had told his parents as soon as Soohyun and him had started dating, but the elder hadn't went to meet the other's parents until a few weeks back - his homouality was something he'd always kept in the back of his mind, in a locked closet.

"Soohyun!"

"Do you really want me to throw water at your face?"

"Why would you do that? I did nothing."

"Can you drop the act?"

With a laugh Hoon called him Soohyun again, but before Soohyun could do anything, Hoon had jumped off the couch and ran away. Followed a chase in the entire apartment - they'd need to clean, and Soohyun wasn't doing the cleaning, that was for sure.

Soohyun tackled Soohyun to the floor with no qualms, but Hoon was stronger and he overthew Soohyun who landed on his side next to Hoon who tried getting up. Soohyun turned the younger on his stomac and sat on the small of his back, preventing him from moving.

"You're so ing annoying."

"You're a bit annoying too, hyungnim."

"If food wasn't so precious, I'd throw milk at your face. And eggs."

"My precious face. The fans would cry if it looked ugly. But I guess they love my voice a lot. And my body."

Hearing Hoon talk like that and actually meaning it always made Soohyun content. However, it would never stop him from taking the bottle on the floor and splashing Hoon with water. The younger sputtered and coughed and complained. And Soohyun only laughed as he went to sit on the couch - bottle still in hand because he wasn't stupid.

Hoon stood up and came to cup Soohyun's face, looking extra serious.

"I love you, Soohyunie."

Hoon got splashed again, and he looked defeated as he just let himself fall next to the elder.

"You really won't let me call you Soohyun or Soohyunie?"

"Why would I? No, don't answer. No, I won't."

"D'you want to use Jondaetmal?"

"Nobody even uses it to talk to you anymore," Hoon remarked. "That'd be unfair."

"Well, you wanted something to show you and I were something different," Soohyun chuckled. "Or you can call me oppa."

"You're really just a ert."

"Everyone knows that. Even the fans. But I'm just trying to help you find a way to help you."

Hoon didn't even rise to the bait, and it made Soohyun chukle. Hoon was sprawled on the couch, remote in hand as he switched the T.V on and started zapping. Soohyun, for a second, thought of showing Hoon how much a ert he could be, but then thought better of it - Hoon could turn things over, and while he often let Soohyun have his way because he was older, the younger was currently sulking, and would get his revenge if given the chance.

With a sigh, Hoon switched off the T.V and turned to look at Soohyun.

"Will you at least let me call you Soohyun during ?"

"You already do."

"I want to hear you give me permission."

"Well, it's not like I can stop you."

"Hyung!"

Soohyun's smirk faded away. Hoon was serious. Reaching for the younger's hand, Soohyun smiled.

"Okay, you can," Soohyun nodded. "Are you happy?"

"No. Why don't you want me to drop the honorific?"

"I like keeping at least that to show I'm older. If there's nothing else, then what?"

They stared at each other, but eventually, Hoon sighed and just looked back at the T.V. Which was off so he was just staring at a black sceen. Soohyun sighed too as he tugged on the younger's hand.

"Why do you need to drop it?"

"I want to fee like I'm just another younger brother to you."

Lifting their linked hands, Soohyun raised an eyebrow.

"This isn't proof enough?"

"No. You're touchy, hyung. You hold hands with the others too. When you're drunk, you'd kiss them too."

"I don't have with them."

"So the only difference is the fact we have ? If you say that, we're buddies, hyung, aren't we?"

Soohyun bit his lips. Hoon was right in a way - maybe Soohyun didn't show it enough, didn't show enough that he loved Hoon in a way that wasn't the same as the others.

"I don't love them the way I love you. D'you want me to show you more often?"

"...Please?"

"Okay, I'll try."

Hoon's expresson brightened, and he smiled before pecking Soohyun's lips. With his free hand, Soohyun cupped the younger's face and kissed him properly. When they parted, they were both panting, and Hoon's plump and pillowy lips looked red and thicker than usual. Soohyun couldn't help smiling at the sight of a panting and well-kissed Hoon.

"I love you, bunny."

"I love you too," Hoon said with confidence, and full of love. "A lot."