It had been a year since you walked away and never looked back. I wished I could rewind back time and I would grab hold of your arm and never let you go anymore.

Maybe you were upset with me. Maybe I did things that hurt you. Or perhaps you grew tired of me and my childish manners. Or it could be someone else.

I don’t know. All I knew was; I didn’t want you to leave. I needed you with me.

Sleep was a luxury. And insomnia was my best friend. Even if I did fall asleep, all my dreams and nightmares were filled by you.

There was once I thought I had lost my mind when I saw your shadow next to mine. It was so difficult for me to understand.  How could you leave?

“This is getting out of hand. You need to snap out of this dream, girl.”

My best friend, Yuri was almost giving up on me. I tried, Yuri. I tried so hard. I tried till my heart bled and my soul cracked. And I was still trapped in her world; her shadow and her lingering scent.

Last night was just like any other night. Lavender-scented candles lighted around my room. Yuri and Yoona bought them. They were hopeful that the scent would induce me to sleep. I found it nauseating instead.

“Try it. And don’t you dare blow the flame out. I’ll burn a bigger candle for you if you do. Yankee Candles have those huge ones in the jars.”

Yuri was threatening me. I rolled my eyes at her.

“Unnie, you need to give yourself a chance to get over her. If you don’t feel like doing it for yourself, then do it for us. We love you.”

Yoona was gentler in her approach. She had always managed to tug my heart strings. I nodded obediently. And Yuri was infuriated but at least I listened to someone.

“Now, close your eyes and rest. We will be spending the night here. So just stop worrying about anything else. Just close your eyes.”

And I did.

-

I live my days with the nights that we spent
All the love we shared
I put my heart on the side for a while
Knowing you're not there
I tried to carry on
To face the fact you're gone
But I need you 
So I close my eyes 

Close my eyes
And I dream about you
I close my eyes
I can almost feel you in my arms again 

Evenings of passion and cries of joy
Hold your memory tight 
You've been away so long 
I sing so many songs about you
I just close my eyes 

No one really sees You watching over me
And I hope you feel me watching over you
And when you go to sleep
I pray the Lord to keep
You in my dreams
When I close my eyes 

-

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

I looked up to find a girl with perfect eye-smiles; smiling at me. I shook my head with my eyes transfixed on her.

“Thanks!”

She saw down quickly and took out her sketchbook. She was drawing something and I snapped out of my trance. I turned back to my novel. Silence ensued between us but not for long. She was excitedly tapping on my arm like as though we were close.

“How does this look?”

She shoved her sketchbook into my hands. I was a little stunned when I was staring at my own self. She drew me into life.

“Err, that looks like me.”

“It is you!”

“Oh, okay. But why are you sketching me for?”

“You have the best perfect features. I cannot find anyone with such features.”

“Oh?”

“You look cold but there’s something behind that exterior of yours.”

“And what would that be?”

“Warmth.”

“That’s a little contradicting.”

She grinned widely before letting out a soft giggle.

“I think you know yourself better than I do. I’m pretty sure you’re as warm as the sun to earth.”

She was flirting innocently.

It was not awkward but it sent a cupid straight to my heart.

-

We met often after that first meeting. Well, it turned out that she was taking art at the same college as I was. I majored in English Literature.

Artistes were eccentric. Most of the students were.

But not her. Not Tiffany Hwang.

“Hey, do you want to grab some lunch?”

“Sure. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. What do you feel like eating?”

“I don’t eat cucumbers, melons and all that are related to it.”

“Oh. I was thinking of steak.”

“That sounds good.”

She was smiling widely. And my heart skipped a beat.

It does that all the time.

-

We were having our annual camp in school. It was a camp for the freshmen. And she persuaded me to join in.

I hate crowds.

“It will be fun!”

Actually, I’d do anything she asked me to. It had been 3 months and I knew I was in love with her. But I never ever neither confessed nor hinted to her. I wasn’t too sure if I should.

For some reason, we ended up as partners. She volunteered to share the tent with me. It was a 2 person tent.

“So how do we get this tent up?”

She was looking at the manual. I sniggered as I took it away from her and threw it aside.

“Just follow my lead.”

“Oh? You know this?”

“My dad used to go for camps and I would tag along. This is the easiest to set up.”

“Awesome! So what do I do now?”

I showed her the ropes and we spent the next 15 minutes arguing about the tent. It wasn’t intense but it was more like a playful banter.

She called me stupid fool. I called her dumb beauty.

We managed to set the tent up. And she dashed for her own space.

“You shall sleep on my right.”

“And why should I be doing that?”

“Because I’ll be leaning on my right and I want you to be next to me when I do.”

My eyes grew larger. What was that?

“Was that subtle enough?”

I just stared blankly at her.

“What was what?”

“You’re such stupid fool.”

“Excuse me?!”

She giggled before leaning closer to me. She whispered softly.

“I’m a sleep hugger.”

I glanced down.

“And I wanna hug you tonight.”

What a way of confession.

Only Tiffany Hwang could do that.

And I allowed her to.

And that night, she hugged me like as though she needed me for life.

-

“Tiffany?”

My baby bear was hugging me from behind. She was happily smiling at me.

“You finally wore the pink polo tee.”

“You bought it for me.”

“I thought you hate pink.”

I pulled her nose gently and kissed her tenderly.

“You’re such a pink maniac. And you have been bugging me the whole week.”

She pouted her lips and I kissed her again.

“You look good in pink.”

“I do?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Honey, even if I’m coated with pink paint you would still say I’d look good.”

Her eyes sparkled before letting out a hearty laugh. Her laughter was infectious.

“I love you.”

Her sudden confession made me blushed. And she enjoyed it.

“I love you so much, baby.”

I stuck my tongue out and put my arms around her waist. She buried her face in my chest.

“And I love you too, baby bear. Don’t ever leave me.”

She shook her head.

“I could never ever leave you.”

-

I could sense HellFany morphing. We had been fighting for the last couple of days. I was having my final exams and she was busy with her end of the year project.

Initially we had a schedule to work with. I planned most of it because I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other that much. Our timing clashed. But I tried hard to make it work around her schedule.

And she didn’t like it. She thought I was controlling her.

“You know that’s not true. You said I can follow your schedule.”

“But this schedule only evolves around you and me. I don’t have time for my friends anymore.”

I was deadpan. I had never stopped her. I looked at her blankly as she was fuming with madness. She threw her paint brushes onto the floor as retaliation.

“Okay, look. If you need to go out with your friends, you can always inform me.”

“Right, like as though you would allow me to go out with my friends.”

“Am I always unreasonable towards you?”

“You hated it when I spent time with my guy friends.”

“That was an overnight outing! Of course, I’d get mad!”

“You know something, even my parents won’t control me like this!”

-

“Is Tiffany around?”

“Oh, she’s around but she’s engaged at the moment.”

“She’s busy at the moment?”

“Yeah, but I’d let her know you came by.”

“Okay, thanks. Could you ask her to call me?”

Her friend nodded and I sighed. The fight was dragging on for too long. Since the last fight, she avoided me. She accused me of controlling her.

So I took a step back and gave her the space she needed. We made up but it was different. It felt different.

It felt like I was losing her.

I might be paranoid and I knew she would say I was. She might even avoid me further. So I wasn’t going to take that risk to lose her completely.

I kept inside.

But this had been dragging for almost two weeks. I didn’t get to meet her; she was always busy. When I called, she would be engaged somehow. Emails were not answered and messages were left unread.

That was weird.

And I was terrified.

I needed to see her.

-

“Tiffany, you need to stop doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“She has been waiting for you. If you don’t want to be with her anymore, then let her know.”

“She should get the hint.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“I found someone else.”

It took me awhile to digest that information. I managed to locate her. She was with her friend. So I quietly went up and was about to greet her; this conversation happened.

I was mortified. My fears came undone.

She has found someone else.

She has someone else.

She loves someone else.

And that someone else wasn’t me.

I stood there like a fool. Tears were b in my eyes. I clenched my fists tightly. My heart was broken and I thought I could hear it cracking in me.

“Oh .”

Her friend found me. She finally saw me.

Her eyes showed no emotion. There was no remorse; there was nothing.

Although there was trace of guilt but I couldn’t find my baby bear anymore.

She has gone missing.

And the Tiffany Hwang in front of me wasn’t mine anymore.

-

“We need to talk.”

She found me somehow. I ran away before. I couldn’t look at her face and when she came near, I took off immediately.

But now she was waiting for me at my front door.

There was a sense of urgency.

But it didn’t matter anymore.

“Listen, I know I have been a around you lately. And I avoided you.”

She paused; she was trying to anticipate my next move. But I remained stoic.

There was just only pain deep down inside.

“The truth is; I’m seeing someone else.”

That blatant truth.

That hurting truth.

The knife just kept twisting at the core of my heart.

“But I need you to know that I care about you. I still do. I couldn’t tell you because I was afraid.”

“What were you afraid of?”

I finally said something.

“I was afraid you might try to hurt yourself. I was terrified.”

“Does it really matter if you do?”

“It does. I’ve hurt you.”

“Yes, you have. You ing broke me into pieces.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

She started crying. She was in fact sobbing between words.

Was that guilty or mockery?

“Sorry is the easiest word for the wrong but it is the toughest for the victim.”

She looked at me; this time I could see it in her eyes. Guilt, remorse and even a little of regret were evident in them.

“What can I do for you?”

She offered.

“There’s nothing you can do anymore. If you need to go, just leave. You don’t have to say sorry or whatever.”

“Baby..”

Suddenly I missed that endearing voice of hers. But it was too painful to bear. I shut her out of my world. I have started it.

“Don’t call me that. You don’t mean it.”

She bit her lower lip. Her eyes were completely red.  She tried to hold me but I pulled away. Somehow it stung when her skin touched mine.

“Please don’t come near me. Just go. I’ll be fine.”

She stood still. Her eyes were on me.

“Please forgive me, baby.”

I shook my head.

“I’ll tell you what. You stay. I go.”

I took off just like I did yesterday; swiftly and immediately.

-

I woke up in the middle of the night. I dream of her, yet again.  When will I ever stop dreaming of her? I had too much to bear and I couldn’t do this anymore.

I looked to my left and then to my right. Two warm bodies were leaning towards me – Yuri and Yoona. They kept their promise. They refused to let me go tonight.

I smiled at their thoughtfulness. Maybe I should at least make an effort to do something about my life. I just couldn’t be wallowing in sorrow when I have my friends who still care about me.

I made up my mind.

I need to start a new day.

I should start soon.

It was time to let go.

-

6 months later, I have graduated and started working in a publishing firm. It might not be a big publishing company but I was happy. My boss was a nice man.

I managed to move on. Well, almost. I tried but it was so hard.  But I knew I couldn’t waste my time anymore. Yuri and Yoona were so happy for me. And I couldn’t ignore them. They love me.

And I love them.

I couldn’t fail them.

“Jaesuk oppa, I’m leaving now.”

My boss, Mr Yoo Jae Suk, was more like a brotherly figure to me. He never acted like a boss.

“Okay, I’ll see you next week.”

“Sure, have a great weekend!”

I left the office immediately. I managed to locate my car this time. I wasn’t as blur anymore. I was digging through my bag for my car keys when someone stood next to me. I saw a pair of heels and they looked familiar.

I looked up slowly and I dropped my bag instantly.

“Hi.”

My nightmare slash dream was standing in front of me.

-

We were sitting across each other at the nearby cafe. There was an awkward silence. And I avoided her eyes because I knew she was searching for mine. I wasn’t confident enough to show to her that I could do without her.

My heart skipped a beat earlier on when our eyes met.

She still had that effect on me.

“How are you?”

She started the ball rolling. I just nodded. I couldn’t find my voice.

“You look good.”

“Thanks.”

All I had was a one word reply. And I knew she was desperately trying to get me to talk. My mouth refused to move. My lips were tightly shut.

“Do you still hate me?”

Her quivering voice sent an aching pain shot right into my heart. I finally looked up. She was already in tears. Her palms were clamped together.

“I don’t know if I do.”

“You should hate me.”

“It’s too tiring to even have feelings let alone hating you.”

Those words stung but that was the truth. She nodded.

“I know. I understand.”

“Why are we doing this?”

I could feel my anger building inside of me. It took me so long to be on the right track and she just swooped in; causing my world to crash once again.

“I just wanted to see you.”

“Why? We’re no longer together.”

“I don’t know why either. I just had to see you before I leave.”

My frown came quickly.

“Leaving?”

“I’m leaving this country. I’m going back to US.”

“I thought you’re seeing her?”

She scoffed at the thought of her. I was curious because she left me for her.

“I finally understood how you felt back then.”

“What do you mean?”

“That betrayal feels when you found out that I had someone else.”

The awful memories came lingering into my mind. Yes, I was betrayed.

“How does that feel?”

“Annoyed; irritating; pissed and maybe ed up.”

I nodded.

“I finally realized what I had with you had been something I could never get with anyone else. I was completely blinded by my own stupidity and I lost the one I had ever loved so much. It took me 6 months to realize what my problem was and I finally knew.”

I stared at her. I somehow knew where this conversation was heading to. And my defensive walls were immediately guarding my once bruised heart.

“I know I don’t deserve you. I know this meeting would probably be redundant but I needed to let you know. Just let me say something and whatever you decide to do with it; it would be your own choice.”

She waited for my permission and I gladly gave her. I urged her to go on.

“I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than I thought I could never would. I have fallen from a high place and landed on a bottomless pit. I struggled to get up on my feet and I knew it was my mistake for letting you go.

That night when you ran off was the day I finally realized what I did wrong. Watching you running away from me like as though I was a monster; I knew I would regret this so badly. And the next few days were hell for me.  No messages from you. No calls and definitely no emails from you. Suddenly my chest felt tight and I knew I was already regretting leaving you.”

Tears fell quickly. She wiped them off hastily as I remained in my seat. My walls were still there though my heart strings were slightly tugging.

“I couldn’t breathe. I needed you. Just like how you needed me. You were everything but I gave it up for someone else. And when I got cheated on, I finally knew how you felt. How it was to be in that shoes. I could still remember what you said.

You’re right. Sorry was the most difficult word to embrace for the one who was hurting. And I don’t blame you if you still couldn’t forgive me for what I did. I wouldn’t even forgive myself. I know there was nothing else I could do for you so that’s why I made the decision to leave.”

She finally stopped talking. I was still staring at her. In fact, I was looking on blankly.

She wants to leave. She wants to leave.

Those words kept chanting on my mind. And I didn’t like it.

“Why do you need to leave?”

“I have nothing anymore.”

“You have your friends, your family and your life.”

“But I don’t have you.”

I looked away briefly before I took a deep sigh. I adjusted my seat and sat upright. She was still clenching her palms together and her knuckles were turning white.

I leaned forward and pulled out one of her hand. She was freezing cold. I held her hand tightly and caressed her arm gently.

“You have me. All this while.”

I don’t know why I said that. But if she leaves, I think my world would even be darker than it already was.

“I’m still here. I didn’t look for you because I didn’t want to. You chose to leave me. And I don’t want to make your life miserable. Maybe you don’t love me anymore.”

“That’s not true!”

She retorted. I nodded and smiled.

“What I’m saying is; you have me all this while and maybe forever. I have dreams and nightmares of you every single night. I couldn’t sleep properly and even though I forced myself to move on; I’m still here.”

She cried profusely. I wiped her tears away.

“So why are you leaving when I’m still here?”

“You mean; you want us back together?”

“Do you want to?”

She bobbed her head up and down.

“Yes, god I swear I want us back together.”

-

It happened in a blink of the eye. One moment we were at the cafe and the next moment I was at her apartment; on her bed with her hovering above me.

We decided to make up. She regretted. And I, I couldn’t forget her. So what was the point of me to pretend that I didn’t need her? My walls broke down immediately right after she said she wanted me back in her life.

“You can dictate all the conditions.”

She suddenly spoke up. We had just made out on her bed. No . We just kissed.

“What?”

I looked at her; slightly confused.

“I was the one who left you. So you have the right to tell me what I should do and what I should not do.”

I was frowning away.

“I’m serious.”

“I know but I don’t think I should do that.”

“Why? You still trust me?”

“If I don’t then why I’m on the bed with you above me?”

She sat up before pulling me towards her. She sat on my lap instead. We kissed tenderly as her arms wrapped around my neck.

“You’re too nice.”

“And are you planning to break me again?”

“What? No!”

She vehemently shook her head.

“Hey, your neck might roll off if you keep shaking like that.”

“Let it roll. Then you will know how serious I am towards you now.”

I leaned back and took a quick look at her expression. She changed. She has definitely changed.

“I’m not going anywhere, hun.”

“I don’t care.”

I hugged her tightly. I was afraid she might faint or something. And seeing her like this made my heart ache. I couldn’t imagine the pain she went through. I was convinced that our break up hurt her more than it did for me.

“Tiffany, we’re back together now. Let’s not think about the past. Just move on together. We focus on now, okay?”

She nodded like a small child. She wiped her tears away and buried her face into my chest. She sobbed quietly. I rocked her gently in my arms and smiled widely.

Then I sang softly.

Close my eyes
And I dream about you
I close my eyes
I can almost feel you in my arms again 

“I love you, Jessica Jung.”

She confessed again.

“I love you too, Tiffany Hwang.”

I kissed her hard.

-