Mina lives in a world where the guttural moans of the undead are what lulls her to sleep.

 

They echo from everywhere now. Sometimes it’s as soft as a hushed whisper other days it’s loudness leaves her deaf. But their groans, coming from the depths of their rotten flesh had seeped inside every fissure of her brain. They bury themselves in her nightmares and became the alarm that shook her awake.

 

Sleep wasn’t comforting anyways. She became a light sleeper now. Her adrenaline waking her up at every creak, every footstep, and every shadow that passed through her eyes. Instead of counting sheep, she lies wide awake staring at the dark ceiling of the club room until she memorized every cobwebs and crack. She would fall asleep with a prayer, hoping to wake up and realize that this was just a horrible dream, a result of her and her girlfriend’s pastime of watching campy, horror B movies.

 

It wasn’t like she was used to it either. Not at all. Maybe not ever. But it’s the thought that she still has her ears to hear instead of it being ripped out of her head. She feels relieved that her heart still trembles inside her chest instead of getting clawed out of her ribcage. She’s thankful that she still breathes instead of getting ripped off. And that her mind still dreams of nightmares instead of her brain getting devoured.

 

But sometimes her selfishness would rear its ugly head in her thoughts. She wonders in complete silence, in the darkness or even in the daylight, if life would have been easier if she had died along with some of her friends and colleagues during the first siege rather than live a life like this, where fear lurks at every crevasse and dark corner.

 

 “Who needs the stars when the world has Myoui Mina?”

 

Mina’s worries slowly disappear as she heard the gentle musing of the girl beside her.

 

Cheeky, still very cheeky.

 

Even if the world is overrun by zombies, Hirai Momo still hasn’t lost that cheekiness that she’s infamous for.

 

Mina turned inside her- no their- sleeping bag to face the girl beside her. The first nights together, she barely moved, worried that Momo would wake up.  She learned later that Momo slept like a log (and drool like a rabid dog). Now moving felt second nature to her, like this sleeping bag has become their own little world and every move draws her closer to Momo.

 

She course her fingers through Momo’s hair. Her hair was growing back to its natural dark brown, losing the edgy platinum blonde that she was so used to.

 

Have they been trapped in this nightmare that long?

 

Momo’s hand quickly reaches out to hers, entangling their fingers together.

 

“Why are you not asleep yet?”

 

“I… I can’t.”

 

“Why? What are you thinking about, baby?”

 

“I’m thinking,” She moves a little bit closer, giggling softly as Momo’s charismatic grin turned dopey.

 

“Uh huh?”

 

“That…” She wraps her arms around Momo’s shoulders, closing in every inch of space between them.

 

“I’m listening…”

 

“What I would give…” she buries her face in the crook of her neck. Her breath tickling Momo as she whispers. “to eat ketchup with spam again.”

 

“Aish…” Momo has that adorable pout now, that Mina couldn’t help but giggle over.

 

“I should have known that I’ll always lose to ketchup.”

 

“Just like I always lose to jokbal.”

 

“True.”

 

From her peripheral, Mina felt her heart stop when she saw a figure bolted up four beds away.

 

She mentally slaps herself when she saw the one pulling out her cat eye mask was nobody else but her best friend Nayeon. And even with just the light from the window, she could see how hard she was staring them both down.

 

“Will you two cut it out?! How can anyone possibly go to sleep with all this lovey dovey going around?!”

 

“Sorry Yeon.”  

 

Nayeon airs out a huff of frustration before collapsing back in her bed.

 

Mina turns to Momo again, whose lips are pursed together in a line, before the two erupted into a fit of giggles.

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Sorry…”

 

Mina presses a kiss on Momo’s dark brown roots before burying herself in her girlfriend’s embrace. She lays her head on Momo’s chest, her girlfriend’s heartbeat, had always been a melody Mina will never get tired of listening too.

 

“You want me to sing to you?”

 

“And wake up Nayeon again?”

 

“True. If the zombies won’t kill us, she will.”

 

“I SAID HUSH!”

 

They buried their laughter on their pillow before Momo pressed a kiss on her lips. They let their lips linger on each other, smiling as they exchange breaths.

 

“Good night, my baby.”

 

“Good night.”

 

And these are the moments that silence the selfishness and doubts. These are the moments, the one where she holds Momo close where she is thankful to still be alive.

 

*

 

“We have seven cans of sausage.” Mina placed the last can back in the box, before moving on to the box of ramen noodles.

 

Nayeon who was doing inventory (along with her and Jihyo) didn’t hesitate to air out a sigh of frustration.

 

“Sausages, ramen noodles, corned beef. If those thing won’t kill us, the preservatives on these can goods surely will.”

 

“Just be thankful that Sana and Dahyun are so passionate about their vegetable garden.” Jihyo, always the caring mom says while she jots down the number in her notebook.

 

Mina remained focus on her duty, ignoring the gaze from the girl by the corner. This is one of the things that always sets Momo apart, even the weight of her stare feels different.

 

“How could someone who’s just counting canned goods be that beautiful?”

 

“Dude! Can you cut it out?”

 

“Here you go!” Jihyo ripped out the page from her notebook and handed it to Jeongyeon. “This should give us maybe a good month supply.”

 

“Got it.”

 

Mina’s gaze quickly shifted, to the box of canned goods, to the cracked windows, to their tiny room, anything to escape the heat flaring from Momo’s stare. Her girlfriend knew exactly what she was doing. She knew how to corner her and get her way.

 

“Why don’t you go give her your goodbye kiss before she starts making a scene.”

 

*

 

The sliding door hasn't slammed shut yet Momo already pressed her back against the stairway and didn’t wait for a breath longer to kiss her.

 

 They’re not into chaste kisses anymore. Nowadays they realize how quickly life can be ripped away from them, and every time their lips met, they kiss as if it was their last.

 

has also been fiercer.

 

All the girls knew about the music room, (two rooms away from the club room) and how it was her and her girlfriend’s little world when they need to spend a night together. They usually escape there after Momo comes back from her rounds. Mina could imagine that Momo still has all her pent up adrenaline and the best way to bring her back down to sanity was making love to her.

 

It would usually be an all night affair. Sometimes they go on straight until orange hues slip through the blinds, other nights they take catnaps between releases, before Momo crawls between her legs, ready to pleasure her once again.

 

Sometimes it’s in the confines of their sleeping bag; when Momo-always Momo-would slips her hand between the loose leg hole of her shorts or the waistband of her sweatpants. It’s this time where Mina’s adrenaline would go into overdrive. It’s the thrill of not getting caught, of keeping her erratic moans from slipping her lips that would get her heart racing.

 

But for now, a kiss will do.

 

“I lov-“

 

The rest of her confession was still hanging at the tip of her tongue when Momo already kissed the words away. Mina would be left trying to figure out why Momo does it every time she was ready to say those words.

 

Momo’s action, as small and insignificant it might be, was enough to plant a seed of doubt in Mina. Mina would wonder if Momo loves her just as much as she does. Or was she just a need? If she wasn’t there or if she died during the first siege, would she stay in Momo’s mind or will there be another girl that she’ll be kissing?

 

“Eeeewww…”

 

It was Tzuyu of course who was anti-PDA who said it. They look up to see Mina’s dance team hoobaes making their way down from the school rooftop. Dahyun’s backpack stuffed to the brim with vegetables.

 

“You guys come back early! We got good stuff!” Sana said gleefully.

 

“No meat, though.”

 

“If you bring us chicken, maybe we could raise it.”

 

“Or we could eat it.”

 

“Be nice.” Mina slaps her girlfriend softly on the arm. “They will.”

 

“Hirai! Ready to go?”

 

“Yeah,” Momo presses her forehead against Mina’s. She gave Mina that gentle smile, sincere and hopeful that always take the doubts away.

 

“I’ll be back.”

 

She stole a kiss on her cheek before slinging her backpack. “Nayeon-shii! Take care of my baby girl while I’m gone, okay?”

 

“Cheesy idiot! I’m not a babysitter!”

 

Mina’s eyes met with Jeongyeon, her eyes speaking volumes that couldn’t say out loud.

 

“Take care of my girl for me.”

 

To which Jeongyeon responds with a nod and a look that says, “I always do.”

 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Mina warns as Momo walks away.

 

“But I’m naturally stupid, though.”

 

*

 

She prays a little bit harder when Momo had to go on a run. Mina already accepted to the fact that that’s the only thing she could do to protect Momo. She has always been too fragile to protect her both from the undead and the living. But if she can’t do it, maybe a higher being could.

 

They have been in countless situations where the undead is ready to gnash on , but time and time again Momo would swoop in to save her.

 

And as hard as she prayed it still wasn’t enough to drive the torments away. It’s the fear of the not knowing that kills her.  If their kiss on the stairway would be their last, or would last night be the last time she’ll hold Momo. She doesn’t know if it’s the last smile or their last touch… The last.

 

She’s not ready to face the last.

 

“Look at those three,” Nayeon joins her, leaning against the rooftop guardrail.

 

Nayeon had always been vocal about her opinion about the hip-hop dancer. She had never been a fan, claiming the girl would just break her best friend's heart. But this must be one of the good things about the apocalypse, Nayeon learned to give people chances.

 

 “It’s probably like a real life video game for them.”

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised.”

 

The two best friends watched as the car spins around, creating a cloud of dust and confusion among the undead. They’re being cocky now, tempting the undead with the roar of the engine and the scent of their flesh.

 

 Mina could swear she could hear the three girls cackling triumphantly as they zoom out of the school gates.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Mina leans closer to the railing, her gaze locked on the red car until it became a speck among the bleakness. She highly doubts she’ll be okay, not until the red car comes back, and not until a certain platinum blonde would be back in her arms.

 

But what good would her honesty do?

 

“Yeah, I am.”

 

*

 

Flashback.

 

“How about I pick you up after dance practice?”

 

That was Hirai’s Momo’s way of saying she’s sorry. Mina might be quiet but she wasn’t a pushover. She wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she just let Momo get away with breaking a promise again.

 

Momo sees her persistence of staying in class as nagging, Mina sees is as wanting her to do better for herself.

 

She usually could tolerate Momo’s broken promises and late date nights, but right now it wasn’t cutting it. But she knows she’s fighting a battle she couldn’t win. Momo had always been charming and persistent, while she would always be pensive and quiet.

 

In the end, Momo would do what she wants to do, and in the end, she’ll still forgive Momo. But why is it so hard for Momo to understand how she feels? Did she bore her that much that she would rather go skip school with her no jam bros?

 

“Don’t bother. I can walk home by myself.”

 

That was her way of saying she’s pissed and Momo heard it loud and clear.

 

“Are you really going to do this?”

 

The annoyed tone in Momo’s voice didn’t do anything but infuriate her more.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Dude, you coming or what?”

 

Judging from the impatient tone, Mina could tell that it was Jeongyeon. Since when did she ever won against Jeongyeon?

 

“Your friends are calling.”

 

“Yeah. Hold on!” Momo press a kiss on her cheek, giving her the sad puppy eyed look, “I’ll promise I’ll be back later, okay?”

 

This was her way of saying she’s very sorry but her friends come first. Mina was never the type who says her feelings out loud, that was more of Nayeon and Jihyo’s strength, but that doesn’t mean her thoughts were quiet. There was a litany of venomous words pleading to escape her lips. Her pride pleading to give her the satisfaction of wounding Momo’s heart.

 

But for now, it won’t do.

 

For now, the best thing to do was just to walk away.

 

“Mina, c’mon baby.”

 

“You coming or what?”

 

“Yeah, hold on. Mina!” She heard Momo calls back for her. But when she turned around, Momo is already trying to catch up with her friends.

 

She could do better than Momo, Nayeon had told her over and over again. But what does better than Momo even mean? Is it the star athlete who can never catch her gaze the way Momo does? Is it the class president who can never make her blush the way Momo does? Or is it the running class valedictorian? Who can never make her heartbeat erratically like Momo does?

 

Can someone tell her what does better than Momo means? As hard as she tries, she could never figure it out.

 

If only Momo knows how much her heart breaks every time she walks away, she wonders if it would be a good enough reason to stay.

 

*

 

And then there was eight…

 

Mina didn’t even have to ask what happened she could tell from the way Chaeyoung broke down. The horror was etched in every detail of her face, from every tremble of her small body. The girl’s guts make up for her lack of height, but right now as she breaks down into inconsolable crying, she looks like the child that she had always been.

 

Even Jeongyeon doesn’t carry her signature bravado, devil may care attitude. Her eyes were red and swollen like she’s willing herself not to cry, but her heart gave up and let her.

 

All eyes suddenly fell on her, their gazes sympathetic yet unsure of how to comfort her. She doesn’t know either, she felt paralyzed, without a word, without a drop of a single tear.

 

She snapped out of her delirium when she felt Jihyo’s embrace. It was warm yet suffocating her at the same time.

 

 “It will be okay, we’re here for you, Mina. We're here for you.”

 

But Momo won’t.

 

Momo won’t be there anymore.

 

The one she loves, the reason she’s still alive.

 

Her friends soon gathered around her, their sorries and we’re here for you had become white noise. She peeled away from Jihyo’s embrace, slowly stepping away from her friends.

 

“Mina!”

 

She heard Nayeon call out for her, but she steadied her trembles and continued walking away.

 

“Give her time.”

 

And as the door slams shut, she realizes that she didn’t need time. She needed Momo.

*

 

She barely made it to the rooftop, when her knees already gave up on her. She, her bearing, her heart, her everything just shattered right there in the stairway landing.

 

They started out as sixteen girls. Friends, schoolmates, hoobaes and sunbaes coming together to survive. They were all inexperienced, letting fear calculate their every decision. Mina took it incredibly hard when the first girl died. Chaeyeon was a dance team hoobae, and Mina felt responsible for her.

 

They were setting up barricades and they were caught off guard and before they know it, a horde of the rotting corpses was staggering towards them. Chaeyeon froze, despite Mina screaming for her name. Momo managed to pull Mina before she became the second girl that lost her life that day.

 

Momo held her in her arms, but she could still hear Chaeyeon’s blood-curdling scream as they tear into her flesh.

 

She was inconsolable the entire night, Chaeyeon’s screams still rattle in every corner of her brain.  It was Momo who places her precious Beats headphone on her and pressing the button to play her CN Blue playlist. Mina pulled the headphones away and instead choose to hold Momo in her arms.  Momo held her close, and Momo’s heartbeat and soft whispers silence the screams and the sight of Momo’s breathing slowly help dull the painful image.

 

Chaeyeon wasn’t the last.

 

They lost girls, strangers who became sisters in this ordeal. Every girl whose life is ripped away so viciously taught her to be tough, to count on her head rather than her heart. They mourned for every girl, but at the end of the day, they had to do what they needed to survive. They still needed to fight, they still needed to search for food, they still need to think, to walk, to eat, to shower, to sleep. They still needed to function, they still needed the will to stay alive.

 

It was Momo who constantly taught her that there is more to this life than just trying to survive. It’s when Momo steals kisses and hugs, or when she cracks those stupid and cheesy jokes, or when Momo would take her hand and take her out on a walk (even if it’s just back and forth along the hallway), when they go to the rooftop to just talk about anything, about what they miss in the previous life and what they’re looking forward to the next.   

 

And as horrible as the world they’re living in, Momo gave her a reason to look forward.

 

What was she going to do now?

 

“Stupid.”

 

Her voice barely made a dent in the air. She pounds her fist in her chest but it barely registered, not when her heart is torturing her.

 

“Stupid.”

 

It was louder this time and her fist bounced back from the impact as it hit her chest.

 

“Stupid!”

 

It was Chaeyeon all over again. It was the other girls all over again. She remembered Chaeyeon’s scream and a shiver shot into Mina’s veins as she is hit with the realization.

 

“Momo, oh God, Momo!”

 

She couldn’t imagine how terrified her darling must be at those hours. She couldn’t imagine Momo’s screams for help as they clawed into her. And she couldn’t do anything, she couldn’t save her just like Momo did. She couldn’t stomach the thought of losing the love of her life in such a brutal way.

 

“No, no, no. Baby, no.”

 

Mina steadied herself as she stayed on all fours on the concrete. Her cries for Momo echoing around the landing. Right now that very instant, all she could really do is cry. She cried for her love, she cried for her, she cried until she forgot how to breathe, she cried until she about to bleed.

 

“Baby, my baby, God, Momo.”

 

And she’ll cry and cry, internally and out loud, until someday, somewhere she’ll meet Momo again.

 

TBC

 

I love happy endings so that should be a good hint to what happens to Momo. There is also a slight Clexa line there if any of you guys are Clexa fans. I hope if you guys read this fic, that you would get to enjoy. Thank you so much!