youngjae stirred and blinked his eyes open. he took in the sound of rain hitting on their bedroom windows and shivered. he blindly grabbed his phone on the bedside table and switched it on. the harsh light hurt his eyes as he tried to adjust to the change, squinting to look at the time.

4.30 am.

it's way too early to wake up, and it's the first time in forever that youngjae woke up before his alarm. he shifted and sat on the bed, wincing slightly when a pain shot through his body from his lower half. he sighed and glanced towards the man sleeping without a care in the world next to him, facing away from him. his hand itched to run itself across the once smooth expanse of skin, which was now scarred with bright red scratches, courtesy of youngjae himself. he pulled the duvet over the older man's body, and swung his leg to the edge of the bed. a thunder roared in a distance as a lightning lit up the room in a brilliant white color. youngjae flinched. he would turn to the other man, seeking comfort in his broad chest and strong arms, but now wasn't the same as before. 

he got off bed and walked to the en suite bathroom, turning on the light before entering. he finished his business, and when he stood in front of the sink, washing his hands, he saw his reflection on the mirror. he let out a soft gasp and wondered who's this man standing in front of him. that was certainly his face, but where's the glow he had on it a few months ago? the man in the mirror was deadly pale, eyes sunken and cheekbones prominent, jawline even more defined than before. he lost the cute chubby cheeks, as jackson had once put it. his eyes trailed down his neck towards his collarbone, where blotches of purple bruises littered around the area, and there's a lot more down his chest to his inner thigh. a giant red blob marked the side of his neck. he cringed. that's going to take a lot of effort to cover up.

youngjae rummaged the cabinet for some concealers, and found none. he face palmed. he finished the last tube last week, and hadn't restock yet. how was he going to cover this? plasters? it wouldn't do. turtleneck? it's ing summer right now. " it. jackson's going to question it anyways, might as well leave it in the open." his voice came out raspier than he thought, probably from all the and screaming he'd done earlier. he washed his hands one more time before walking out of the bathroom.

jaebum was still fast asleep on his side as youngjae climbed back into bed. he pulled the duvet to cover his lower half, laying down on the mattress. he couldn't fall asleep, though. he tried counting the sheeps, it made him sleepy but his eyes wouldn't shut. he turned to jaebum, reaching out to softly graze his fingers across the scratches on his back. jaebum stirred, his soft snores stopped. for a small fraction of time, youngjae was actually afraid that jaebum would wake up. instead, the latter turned around and wrapped youngjae in his arms, pulling him closer. youngjae contemplated removing jaebum's arms, for he knew jaebum wouldn't want to wake up like this, but decided against it as he felt sleep consuming him, alongside the tickle of breath on his forehead. 

he turned the page to the last chapter, eyes getting heavier with every passing second. the clock struck 12 in the midnight, but jaebum's still not home. he's finishing the last line of the page when the door to the bedroom slammed open, and jaebum trudged inside, hair and clothes dishevelled. youngjae sat up straighter on bed, folding the upper corner of the book to mark the page. jaebum carelessly threw his messenger bag on the couch, taking his socks and tie off after that. youngjae cleared his throat. 

"do you want to take a bath first? let me prepare the bath for you." youngjae said.

"no. you don't have to." jaebum's cold voice would have intimidated him two months ago, but he's used to it now.

"okay. have you had dinner?"

"yes."

jaebum seemed to be irritated by youngjae's simple questions. the younger man saw the frown on his husband's face, and it was flushed red. youngjae wondered why. jaebum proceeded to take off his dress shirt and his pants, leaving him in only his boxers. youngjae's heart raced, he didn't feel too good about this. jaebum climbed into bed, pushing youngjae that his back hit the headboard and latched his lips to the latter's exposed collarbone. youngjae had a short, sudden intake of breath and grabbed jaebum's shoulders, pushing him off slightly. jaebum reeked of alcohol.

"jae-jaebum, wait... y-you're drunk," youngjae felt like slapping himself across the face for stuttering.

"i want you... i need you, please."

"n-no, jaebum, you're drunk..." youngjae bit his lips to prevent a moan from escaping his mouth at jaebum bit the skin on his neck. jaebum trailed his kisses up to youngjae's temple, across his forehead, down the bridge of his nose and stopping right on top of his lips. youngjae gulped. he still got his hands on jaebum's shoulders. jaebum inched closer, youngjae could feel his breath on his lips. "i know you want me too. don't you miss me?" jaebum whispered, sending shivers down youngjae's spine.

jaebum closed the distance and kissed him gently. youngjae's still trying to push jaebum off of him. "j-jaebum stop..." he said between muffled lips.

jaebum shoved youngjae's hands off his shoulders and gripped them tightly in his hands. youngjae let out a sob. "don't fight it, baby. you want me, don't deny that," jaebum said as he kissed youngjae again, running his tongue across the latter's lower lip. youngjae gasped, and jaebum forced his tongue inside to taste the sweetness of the hot cavern. youngjae closed his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks as he reciprocated jaebum's kiss. 

youngjae had, once again, lost the battle.

*

it was past 7 in the morning the second time he woke up, the sound of jaebum's heartbeat close to his ears. he stayed still, not knowing what to do. he looked up slowly to check if jaebum's awake or not. he's not. youngjae carefully peeled off jaebum's arms from around his small frame before getting off bed to go prepare some breakfast. 

*

jaebum woke up around 6.30 am, at least that's what he thought he saw from the clock on the wall. his head was pounding, but he couldn't move. he didn't have to look to know that youngjae's the one in his embrace, not...somebody else. he recognized the way youngjae fitted so perfectly around his arms, snuggled into his chest, and the smell of his vanilla-scented shampoo. youngjae and... him might had the same jet black hair, but they certainly didn't use the same shampoo. 

jaebum looked down and saw youngjae's still sleeping soundly. he smiled, he could've been talking loudly on the phone right now, and youngjae wouldn't wake up. the latter shivered, and as jaebum reached over to drape the duvet on the smaller male, he noticed the tons of hickeys on youngjae's chest and stomach, and he shuddered. there's suddenly a familiar lump formed in his throat, and he blinked back tears that threatened to escape. 

he's really sorry. really. he knew youngjae wouldn't forgive him so easily, but he hoped that youngjae would. if not, well, he just didn't deserve it. 

but really, he's trying so hard to love youngjae again, to find the spark he used to have coursing through his whole body when youngjae as much as smile at him. but it wasn't there anymore.

he simply stopped loving youngjae.

*

youngjae pondered around the kitchen, searching for bread and eggs. he decided to be lazy and just made some omelette and toasts and coffee. jaebum wouldn't mind. odds were he wouldn't even come to eat breakfast. but youngjae still made meals for two. he always did. 

he's about to go to the bedroom to tell jaebum that breakfast's ready, but jaebum walked out of the room in a leather jacket and pair of black skinny jeans. youngjae's not surprised. he didn't even have to ask to know where jaebum's going. he wasn't stupid. all those late night text messages between jaebum and him when the former thought youngjae was asleep. the secret glances thrown between the two of them when they had their lunch together. those not-so-subtle hands holding under the table. youngjae knew everything. but, instead of just lashing out on jaebum, youngjae made him sit down one night and talked with him. of course jaebum denied. jaebum wasn't stupid to admit it. he didn't want to lose youngjae. jaebum thought he loved youngjae. youngjae thought jaebum was a selfish, stupid bastard. 

"i made breakfast." youngjae broke the silence.

"it's okay. i'm going out." came jaebum's cold reply.

but youngjae was tired. so so tired. he couldn't do this anymore. not when jaebum only looked at him when he's frustrated and needed to relieve his stress. not when jaebum came home and forced him into , fuming simply because youngjae was being extra friendly with jackson that day. and not when he came home tired from work only to find an extra pair of shoes in the doorway that didn't belong to either jaebum or him (he also hated the look on mark's face when he had to crash at his and jackson's place for the night). 

"jaebum, can we talk?" 

the said man stopped walking, but he didn't turn around. youngjae took that as a sign for him to start talking. he let out a soft sigh.

"jaebum, i-" he choked on his own words, but he had to do this. "i knew you've stopped loving me, and that is something that i can't control. it's okay, i understand that people lose feelings for all sorts of reason, and i won't ask you why. i won't ask you to stay one more night, or to try and love me again. that is all up to you. i won't force you. you should stay if you want to, and you should leave if you need to. just tell me, and i-" he let out a shaky sigh, "i promise i'll try to let you go. it won't be easy, but i will try. tell me you don't love me anymore, and i'll let you go." 

as soon as those words came out of his mouth, he felt like a weight had just been lifted up off his shoulders. he took a very deep breath and exhaled. he had tears b the corner of his eyes, and he closed them. he's waiting for jaebum's reply, if the older man wanted to give him one. his eyes fluttered open, expecting jaebum to bail out on him and leave. 

he didn't expect to see jaebum standing in front of him, eyes red and tears streaming down his face, shaking slightly. 

"jaebum?"

the older man dashed forward and pulled youngjae into a tight, warm embrace. youngjae's tense body relaxed when he heard sniffles coming from his right shoulder, where his t-shirt felt wet with tears. he slowly brought up his hands to softly pat his husband's back, forcing himself not to cry at the same time. it felt like eternity had just passed when jaebum finally spoke. 

"i'm sorry." 

"don't be sorry. it's not entirely your fault. maybe you just realised that i'm no good for you. maybe you just realised that jinyoung is way better than me. maybe-"

"stop. just.. just stop talking."

youngjae closed his mouth to prevent more words from coming out of it. jaebum's still sobbing on his shoulder. youngjae continued to rub calming circles on his back. after a few more minutes of just standing like that, jaebum pulled away, and youngjae wiped his tears out of habit. jaebum didn't protest, this was probably the last time youngjae could do that. jaebum stared into his eyes, youngjae would say it was full of love, but he didn't want any more lies. the older man placed his hand onto youngjae's cheek, while his other free hand grabbed youngjae's hand. 

"youngjae, i'm so sorry. i know i'm hurting you, but i.. i don't know. i don't know what happened to me. when jinyoung came back, he told me he still love me, and that him breaking up with me years ago was a mistake. i was confused. i loved you, but then jinyoung..." 

youngjae gave him a soft smile.

"he's your first love. he's your first in everything. of course you still love him when he reminded you of that. i won't blame you. i won't blame him either. it's okay. it's fine, jaebum."

jaebum tightened his hold on youngjae's hand.

"it's not okay. it's not fine. it'll never be fine, youngjae. yes, i probably still love him, but i don't want him as much as i want you. i love you, youngjae. don't let me go. don't give up on me just yet. don't stop loving me. i want to love you again. i want to love you forever. jinyoung might be my first, but please, i only want you to be the last. please, don't let me go. i promise i'll try even harder to love you again. i need you. please, youngjae. i want to love you."

jaebum was crying and sobbing again, and youngjae couldn't hold his tears any longer. it's been so long, so so long since he last heard so much sincerity in jaebum's voice. he placed his hand on top of jaebum's on his cheek, and squeezed it lightly. he was left speechless. he didn't know what to do, or even what to feel. he felt like he gave too many wasted chances to jaebum, and it's time for him to move forward. but then, what was he supposed to do with all the love he had for jaebum?

youngjae closed his eyes. this is the last chance, he promised himself, as he leaned forward and kissed jaebum softly. 

"please, don't let me down."

"i will never. don't let me go."

"i love you, jaebum. don't hurt me."

jaebum let out a sob.

"i love you too, youngjae."

as youngjae closed the gap between them once again, he hoped that this last chance would last them forever.

because forever means jaebum and youngjae, and that's all he needs.