They went stargazing in summer. Everything was familiar and everything was easy. Light. Comfortable. Both admitted things they couldn't say, thing they would have rather kept to themselves. Both had accepted.  

Taehyung thought of it as a sweet memory, as something beautiful that was only meant to happen once in your life. Because now, the feelings were gone. Trust, admiration, addiction? Taehyung didn't know. He already sensed a few months ago that something had been wrong. He felt it. Jungkook had become quieter. 

The days became darker and the nights colder. Sleepovers with Kookie were spent eating and laughing, but also talking about weird yet important things. He didn't know what there was between them. He never understood. Taehyung just wanted to keep Jungkook close to him. That was all that mattered. He didn't want the other to be sad. Because he had the strong feeling that something was off.   

Of course Taehyung was worried. He was even more than that.  

Taehyung had always had problems telling people about what he felt and thought. He was insecure. Taehyung wanted to deal with his problems alone rather than getting anyone involved and hurting someone in the end.   

He was now painfully aware that something was wrong. He saw Jungkook everyday but he looked different. He didn't look like the guy he knew anymore and he behaved differently as well. Or was that just his imagination?  

Talking soon became difficult, silence became too much to handle. Everything felt different. It felt like living a different life, talking to a different person and making different decisions. Bad decisions. 

But Taehyung wanted to hold onto that something he had never had. The attention and affection no one had ever given him like that before. Taehyung noticed Kookie changed. But not that that was wrong in any way, he thought. But why?  

Dark thoughts and bad voices were kept to himself as the circles around his eyes became darker and his sleeves longer. Thoughts about it drained Taehyung. He didn't know what "it" was but he knew he didn't like it. His anxiety had never gotten this strong and his self guilt grew as the days went by. Was all of this his fault? It was. Probably. Most definitely. It wasn't Jungkook who had changed. What was it? Was it greed?  

Taehyung knew that Namjoon, Jimin and the others would always be there for him, no matter what. Everyone kept telling him that they were there if he needed anyone or anything. But somehow nothing quite added up.  

Namjoon and Seokjin moved away after a few months, Yoongi and Jimin both went to college a few hours away.  

Taehyung hasn't heard anything from Jungkook for a whole while. He is always there but he never talks, always talks somehow but never quite responds. It’s exhausting. Did he do something wrong? Taehyung often thought about it. He did, how else could he explain everything going worse. Things were always his fault.  

Sometimes he thinks that they were both more than just the love of the same music and he thought what it would be like if Jungkook thought of the same. But now everything had withered. Everything was alright, but now he feels like everything he thinks of is wrong.  

Everything is wrong. 

But just where did he go wrong? 

"I think we should talk about it." They never really did.  

"I'm sorry." It was always said but it was never really accepted. 

Now that Taehyung know he is dying it is hard to face Jungkook. About anything. He doesn't dare talk to him anymore, because he gets the feeling that Jungkook doesn't care much about their friendship anymore. That is probably also his fault, Taehyung thought.  

Why is talking so difficult? 

"We'll get this figured out." Words said a few months ago. Left in the void. We probably never will, Kookie.  

Taehyung just looks at Jungkook. His fingers are trembling even though he clenches his fist tightly. He is sitting in front of him, empty eyes staring back into his. Everything feels fake. He tries to open his mouth but the words just get stuck in his dry throat. The people around them seem surreal, his eyes start to sting so he shuts his eyelids.  

What had they become?