❝cheese in

the trap review; behind closed eyes.
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                                  link to the story. 
                                        reviewed by droplets-

SCORE: 46.5/100

TITLE (3/5) 

-Choice of words (1/1)
No fancy words or anything. I guess you did a safe bet by making everyone understand exactly what’s the meaning of your title. Hard word might seem beautiful, and add a new knowledge(?) to the readers, but for some readers, hard word might makes the reader reluctant to click on the story. Because they didn’t understand the meaning of the word. But then, you chose to make everyone understand by a few simple words. So kudos for you.

-First Impression (1/1)
Let’s just say that after I saw your title I immediately thought of angst. Because your title itself has a strong vibe of angst in it, I sensed some sort of dramas as well. Since ‘Closed Eyes’ refers to dreaming- whether it was in conscious state, or not. Let’s just say, those who are curious enough would click on your story to find out how dream was an important aspect for your story. Questions would float such as: what was behind the closed eyes? what has she/he been dreaming? How would it affect the story overall? So then, double kudos for you.

-How it links to the story (0.5/2)
I’m impressed to say that it links so well to the story. Even though closed eyes can literally means just closing your eyes because you like it, but your ‘closed eyes’ refers to what events was Jiyeon experiencing ‘Behind The Closed Eyes’. AND since your story haven’t reached the end yet, I don’t know how in the scale from 0 to 10 if the dreams really affected Jiyeon’s life and will change Jiyeon’s life (to the better, or worse.) but I do HOPE the dreams will play an important role for her life. Because, hey, the title has got to be linked to the story. That’s the point of putting up a title in the first place.

-How mainstream it is (0.5/1)
So I found another story that has the same exact title like yours. Let’s just say it is not the most original choice of a title, but hey. I think it match well for your story so let’s call it that your title is pretty decent. Someone that really like your story will remember your title.

DESCRIPTION (5/10)

-Does it makes us curious? (1/5)
Your description is basically your story in a nutshell. It is... Okay, I guess? But I would actually love if you make us curious, have the feeling of wanting to know, wanting to press that next button, and overall wanting to know more about your story. It is sort of like seeing someone you adore, you wanted to know more about them, right? But no, instead of doing so you just put the info right there and deletes something called ‘curiosity’ that readers could emote if you picked your words better. Perhaps something that makes us curious about how she became depressed, introvered girl, would do? You just straight out putting ‘Because oh traumatic incident in her childhood’ or sort-of, but hey, it is up to you to make your story good or not. Another thing I would like to point out is that you didn’t exactly point out how the main character would change her life- like, she will be dreaming to escape reality, and then what will it do? Will her life change to the better? By dreaming?

Some readers may perceive that your story will have no development of how she gets out of her boring life. And just a story about a depressed girl dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. Because, by common sense, dreaming didn’t seem to solve anything. It is all in the real world. If you just dream without doing anything you would get nothing but dreams, right? But that’s common sense. You see, people loves to see ‘hope’. And I would suggest you pointing out something that makes the readers see it as the character in your life is trying to be better, by dreaming, that her ‘dreams’ would somehow, I don’t know, it is your job and your story, after all- change her life to be better. But hey, it was just a suggestion.

-How simple it is. (4/5)
I like your description and I personally think that’s how description should be done in every fanfic ever. It have to be short so all of the words are readable when the reader scrolled through bunch of stories. And they didn’t have to click on the story just to simply the long- description.

 

GRAMMAR (14.5/20)

-Spelling (7.5/8)
So far so good, you’ve managed not to get too many of spelling errors, even not at all. But sadly, I saw one spelling error at one of your recent chapters. But hey, it didn’t get to the point where readers get confused of what in the world are the word you were trying to type. So there, almost full point for you.

-Grammar (7/10)
There were still few grammar errors, I am not going to mention all of them, since there were not many. And there will be too many if I mention them all. However, you could consider hiring a beta-reader if you would like.

(or not.)

Chapter 1

Your sentence: “She felt she was the happiest girl in the entire universe.”

Suggestion: “She felt like she was the happiest girl in the entire universe.”


Your sentence: “Jongdae immediately grabbed her hand in his and slipped the ring on her finger.”

Suggestion: “Jongdae immediately wrapped his fingers around hers and slipped the ring into her finger.”

And many more in the other chapters. As I said, I was not going to correct all of them, (Unless you had chosen ‘Grammar’ for the question of ‘What should I focus on the most?’ in the form) I personally think grammar mistakes won’t shoo away the readers’ interest on the story. Unless your reader is a grammar freak, that is. As long as your grammar mistakes were not scattered almost everywhere, in which case, your story didn’t. It barely had mistakes. So kudos for you, again.

-The beauty of your words (2/2)

Some of your sentences were beautiful, as you chose to describe the surrounding of where the story was taking place. And describing what the characters were wearing, sometimes. Your vocabulary were quite great. Two outta two.

PLOT (8/35)

-Is this realistic? <4/30>

The whole being in the top university but not getting a job thing? I don’t know, honestly, I would agree if confidence have to do with failing job interview, employment and such. But then applying everywhere by being top students that graduated top university and getting rejected? Stays jobless and getting really depressed for years only to suddenly ‘realize’ she had been doing it wrong and change so ‘suddenly’ at chapter 7? I don’t know. If I would want to be honest, which, is my job, to help you I mean. I don't think it is uh- completely- possible? The thing I like about stories is how they are ‘realistic’, especially if your story are ‘slice-of-life’ genred. So I hope you put on more explanation of why this and that happened, to not to make the readers confused, for example I would love to seethe scene where Jiyeon was interviewed to get the job. Was she not looking the interviewer in the eye? Was her voice too low that her interviewer becomes too annoyed at her? Was she really is not ‘qualified’ to get the job despite all the hard work? I would love that. There is other things, I want to mention. In the story, it was put in Jiyeon’s POV, right? I would love if you would take a second (or more) to read again what you had written:

Chapter 2:

“if she hadn’t experienced that humiliating moment, she might have been a successful person instead of a burden to her parents. Those thought made her head want to explode.” 

Okay, so from this point... Jiyeon herself realized, that she could be successful without those humiliating moment. She realized herself that she could be successful herself. And a memory could be forgotten, could be ignored. She got a root to her problem. But then why? Why did she chose not to change? Look I understand if you want to go with flow that goes slow (hey, that rhyme) but this? Some things are unneeded when it is unneeded.

So. I felt like I should put this in the characterization part, but then, since this is part of the plot, I will point it here. I don’t know, does Park family have history if mood-swing disease or something? If so you could have dropped the readers some hints. Because, in my eyes, Jiyeon seemed like she could be violent at times, when she called certain people ‘’ and wanting to throw something, even a precious item, far far away. It does not go well with how her personality is portrayed. Soft-spoken and calm, right? It goes the same with her father, few chapters ago he was shouting, threatening his daughter to expel her out of the house when she has no source of money and is clearly depressed. But then in recent chapters he seemed to be out of character like he is in chapter 1, by nodding and actually he looked to care even for a bit for his daughter. It is... Kind of confusing, okay?

In the scene when she was in park, fallen asleep, and Jongdae was beside her, it is stated that “Jiyeon awoke with the sound of someone shouting,” who is shouting? I am pretty sure it is not Jongdae since you described he was looking at the sky. So... Who? Does the shout came from the dream? I am a bit... Confused.

So there is a scene where her mother slept with Jiyeon, and in the morning her mother said that she smelled bad. And Jiyeon confessed she haven't taken a shower in 2 month. It was weird, because if she had smelled that bad, wouldn’t the mother notice it when she first feed the daughter? Why did her mother ONLY notice it in the morning?

In one of Jiyeon’s dream there was a scene where Jongdae was engaged with Eunji. It was kind of strange because after watching how they interact, and how Jongdae even used swear words to her- it was strange to see them as lovers. Because, why would they be engaged in the first place if their personality doesn’t even match? It was only just a dream, but still. 

Here is the last one, in one of the scene Jiyeon felt weak after not eating and only drinking river water. But after reading how she have no appetite at all in all circumstances, and how she only eat not even half of her foods, wouldn’t her immune be strengthen and she will be used with skipping meals throughout those two years? How far it is from her house to the river? How exhausting should it be? I am suggesting if you would show to us in more convincing way that the ride would be so exhausting for someone who skip meals constantly.

Despite all of that, i wonder what will Jiyeon be doing in her home, having no job in her daily life? Just stayed up in her room all day, is that it? Or what has she been doing in 2 years? It leaves us as a plot-hole. I hope thought, you would explain all of... this.

-Would this help in real life? <4/5>

Most likely, it will attract the reader who has the same personality/is sympathizing with Jiyeon. How would it help them? It will be decided on how you ‘help’ Jiyeon to be better in the story. I wish you good luck on this because, there are not few people who experience childhood trauma and extreme shyness.

FLOW (5/25)

-Does it fit the ‘mood’ of the story? (4/5)

Honestly speaking, yes. It fits the genre of the story. Typical angst tends to goes slow, it would ruin the mood if the angst is rushed like an action fic. But then, let us get to the part if you are using the flow right or not.

-Is it too fast? Too slow? (1/20)

So I remembered, and I have to, well, yes, you asked me to focus more on the characterization- but then, seeing this I would REALLY love if you had chosen ‘Flow’ because I have a LOT to say about your flow of the story. First of all, I got REALLY depressed by how your story goes. It goes too slow, and not too many readers got bazillion of patience- unless those who are really into your topic of your story. I think most of us do want to see a quick change in every chapter. But no, your main character ‘choses’ to change in Chapter 7. And the readers have to go through six chapters for nothing.

I understand, this story is telling how Jiyeon copes up with her depressed self. But a story, have to have a connection between every chapter. The way Jiyeon suddenly ‘realizes’ she didn’t want herself to be like that forever by entering her dream realm that was vaguely mentioned how it happened. You have to explain how the dream even happened, or else it would make few readersget confused. I didn’t even know if that method was even possible??? It makes us think Jiyeon COULD actually do that, the thing COULD HAVE BEEN DONE, a million times ago, whenever she wanted to. Whenever she thought about how the bully was bad, it, the changes, I mean, can happen ANY time. It doesn’t need Jongde, or, her mom even, or her dad. It is not even related to her realization! How Jongae supported her? Sure, she did tell Jongdae about her problems, but then what Jongdae said to her doesn’t affect her to realize what she has to realize like in chapter 7! What her mother had done? She didn’t even know the root of her daughter’s sudden quietness yet! I was so frustrated at this point. It is making me think of what I had mentioned above. What was the point of the six chapters?

We wanted to see how Jiyeon progressed to being a better person, but then the other characters, were just like- helping her, but not really helping her. The only thing that is helping her to change is her inner dream and whatever that is? I know you might not agree with my point, and probably it will be mentioned in the further chapters how Jongdae, her mother and her father, relates to makes her realize that the bully is bad?? Perhaps she will thank her mom and mention what her mom had done to her to make her suddenly change? Do you see what I did her? I hope you really will do so. But aside all the rant, I thank you for not rushing the story with illogical flow. It is a mid-too-slow flow. It got me bored, sure, but not to the point where I got so bored- I don’t want to read the story. It still took my interest, and made me want to read further, even a lil bit. So hey, I will give you a point for that.

CHARACTERIZATION (11/20)
[i will only grade the main characters .]

Main Characters:

-Jiyeon. (4/5)

I want to discuss about how I love you for putting that personality where her voice is low, and by some people it is unheard. Because it it true, that’s what will happen to the majority of shy people. I have a shy, reserved friend and I have to literally yell ‘WHAT?’ whenever she speaks. Because, even when I am practically sitting beside her I couldn’t frikkin hear her. Like she doesn’t want other people to hear it and reluctant to even speak. Like talking was not even important (heh. I love examining people.) I think that’s what you want the reader think of Jiyeon too, right? So I will give kudos for you.

Besides the good news, I have to say that I don’t normally like damsel-in-distress girl. So you can say that it is normal that I say I got really frustrated seeing her. Naturally, all of us would like to see the problem solved quickly. But no, she chose to ‘slow down’ the story by not telling what her problems was to the people who even asked and by miracle, understand if she has problems. I am aware of the fact that she got a reserved personality so I will hold myself from hating her, it is... you see. By how she was cursing at Jieun, and her neighbor ‘’ even it is just inside her mind, it made me think that she was not really THAT reserved. It makes the character a bit unrealistic.

I don’t even know if reserved, calm people do get mad that easily? I don’t know what you’re trying to portray Jiyeon as, but there were few times, where I thought the other character was being chill, and then Jiyeon suddenly calls her ‘’ when I thought the other character was not being a at all. I don’t know about your character, but the reserved person I know, doesn’t like swearing at all. But hey, different people are different right? It might be an opinion, thought.

ALSO, the other things that got me frustrated is how Jaejoong was being nice- there were no indication, at all, of how Jaejoong would only want her body. Oh man, the negativity coming out of this character... But hey, I am in no place to say something like this. In summary I was really frustrated about this character, I hope she got more character development later. But despite all of that, you did great job portraying her, just erase few of the confusion and explain later in the story her internal problems, then you’re done.

-Her mom. (2/5)

I... don’t know if this kind of person exist. But I must say it is a miracle to have this kind of person when you’re feeling down. Her words and her action makes the depressed character feel wanted. And makes her think that someone really cares for her. It makes her refuse to break down to get into even worse condition. But I have to say she has million of patience to deal with Jiyeon. I don’t know if it is a bad or good thing but- let’s just say, I am sorry. She have been supporting, but not supporting her in the same time. If she truly wants to support her, she must search for the root of her trouble, and actually solve it.

But no, she chose to just put up with Jiyeon’s and just wait, for Jiyeon herself to change. I don’t... really fancy this character, but then, it is better having this character by her side than no one at all. But again, I gotta say she has TON of patience to deal with Jiyeon. That makes me wonder, why does she loves her so much? Just by her being her daughter, is that it?

I would love if there is back-story of really sweet mother and daughter moment. Because, their relationship seems a bit, uhm, I don’t know, I don’t really fancy their relationship either. But hey, it was just ‘I would love’. Again, things like how could she not notice her daughter experiencing sudden change when she was a child by never playing outside again? She never asked her daughter why was that?’ goes floating in my mind. But hey. hey.

-Her dad. (2/5)

Just as I have mentioned above, her dad seemed so out of character in the recent chapters. Going violent and going gentle at the same time, it didn’t really fit. If he was going to be ‘secretly’ cares for his daughter, I don’t think he would be acting as cruel as he was in chapter one. Perhaps you should mention, that he was having a really bad day that made him having a temper like that? I see this character as strange. I would love if you showed us more about this character in the further chapters.

-Jongdae. (3/5)

So, is he popular? Is he half-quiet? Is he talkative? I don’t know because ChenYeon only happened ‘platonically’ in few moments of chapters. We only saw glimpse of his past, but it still felt like I didn’t really know him. I know he was kind to Jiyeon, but then what? Why? Just because she was her ‘friend’? I saw their relationship as awkward and... doesn’t really strike as ‘friend’ to me. But I hope thought, their relationship will develop after Jiyeon opened up. Also, wouldn’t the talkative character like him be with talkative group? Because, in real life, I never see that kind of people, that is loud, and loves people even getting near to a silent, really silent person. No, it didn’t happen. Unless, perhaps, Jongdae used to be like Jiyeon. I don’t know though? He was still a mysterious character to me. How was their relationship with other people, and stuff. We don’t know yet, but hopefully, we will get to know more about this character, in the next few chapters.

Side Characters:

-Jieun.

Okay, so she is typical loud girl which Jiyeon called a ‘fussy ’ that has group of friends. I don’t understand why would Jiyeon call her a ‘’ her words and her action didn’t seem like one, to me. Perhaps it was just Jiyeon’s personality, but yeah, she didn’t strike as ‘annoying’ to me, or a ‘’.

-Eunji.

Uh-huh. So she is the girl who is pretty decent at english, though it was pretty not so nice of her to create such a verse to mock someone. Well, can’t say much. She is a side character,afterall. But even so, I wouldn’t call her a ‘’.

-Jaejoong

Holy , he is Jongdae’s brother, isn’t he? I don’t know what is wrong with Jiyeon, but he seems to me like a nice guy. I don’t think he is a bad guy? But still, the ‘I like her even when I don’t know her’ thing seemed strange. But hopefully, we will get more explanation of him in the further chapters.

Overall Enjoyment:

Welp. I didn’t really... enjoy the story. It was not my type of genre, sadly to say. If this was presented better perhaps I would’ve like it, still. I will give you kudos because you made me curious of some characters, even with the plot-holes, I think the concept of lucid dream was pretty cool. So keep up the good work!    

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✉(A/N).

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