Jonghyun P.O.V

 

Kibum looked so good, he always does. I cannot take it. I am fed up performing each and everyday with my group realising that I can never have Kibum. First he is straight and second of all I am ugly, each time I look in the mirror I am horrified of my appearance. I look like a dinosaur, Jurassic Park New World with Jonghyun staring as the t-rex. I am surprised why I did not get asked to feature in that movie.

 

I look back at Key and there he is perfection. Too long have I been looking at perfection, I pray to God to get him but nothing. Is this the work of the devil? Why does the devil push me towards someone I love so much.

 

The music stops and I need to take a breather. I walk towards the group but go past them, I cannot talk to them. It’s rude I know but I am so flustered over Kibum at the moment it is not even funny. Too long this has been happening, too long, way too long..

 

 

I search an area to be alone and turn my phone off so I cannot be bothered to answer it. I go through the corridoors and consider going into the dressing rooms but no I will get bothered. The toilets, no I will get bothered. The function rooms all have set-up staff setting up for future events,  I cannot hide there, damn it. Eventually I find a cleaning closet, I open it and its empty.

 

I walk in, close the door and fall to the ground. I curl up with my head in my knees. What has come of you Jonghyun I ask myself.

 

Before I can think any further I sob, the tears fall before the chance of any words to come out of my mouth to talk to myself. I cannot think clearly, the tears are powerful, I just want Kibum and I am not allowed him. Why am I alive? If you cannot have the one you love then what is the point? Is that pathetic of me to think like that? No it cannot be, I have only loved one person in my life and that is Kibum. Is it normal? Nope men are meant to like women, well that’s what we are always told. I love Kibum, I love him, I love him, I love him and I hate myself for it.

 

My crying stops, the sobs are interrupted by the light. Light? I am in a closet and it’s dark. I look up realising that the door is open. I struggle to focus my eyes but then I see him, it is Kibum.

 

He stands there like an angel. The first thing he asks is ‘what is wrong?’

 

I do not reply, I want to lie and say nothing but I cannot even speak right now, no words can come out my mouth.

 

“Jongy’

 

I cannot answer, I want to, I really do, I want to say nothing so he can leave me alone but I cannot.

 

‘Please answer Jonghyun.’

 

I cannot, but damn how perfect does he look in front of me, my eyes are wide and I stare at his body, a body of perfection with a soul of perfection inside. 

 

I manage to speak but my words are not even words, not proper ones, not Korean ones. Key looks at me confused. He raises a brow and moves in closer, probably wanting to hear what I have to say.

 

Go away I think, Do not move closer

 

My words stop and my urges kick in, he gets closer, and my brain is not active, it is not reasoning like it usually does. My mind is having the support of my heart. I do not like it at all.

 

Before I know it my hand goes behind Kibum’s delicate head and I push it towards mine, our lips collide and I feel flows of positive energy, my heart beats fast and my mind is ordering my lips to stay connected.

 

Oh god what does Key think? My brain kicks in and I immediately pull back, stand up and run. I run down the poorly lit corridors, I run and run. What have I done? That’s it I am out of SHINee, I best tell them I quit or should I just run.

 

I stop, I am out of breath. I hear Key calling my name in the distance. What must he be thinking of me? I want to vomit, I cannot stand this. I am a sick person. A man does not do that to another man. What must Key be thinking of me? I want to cry again, I am shaking too much. I take a few deep breaths and the shaking calms.

 

Jonghyun, just head back to the group and get some sleep when you get home, maybe you wont wake-up.

 

I like the idea, not having to face the awkwardness again delights me, what a delightful feeling.

 

I head back and Key is not there yet. I briefly say hi and tell them I am just tired. I do not want to be bothered, luckily they comply. I stand separate to Onew, Minho and Tae. Eventually Key comes, I see him stare at me in the corner of my eye. I want to vomit. He probably wants to kill me. I hope he has not told anyone.