Jealousy was never Baekhyun’s thing. He used to pride himself in the thought that he would never be jealous and was incapable of feeling so. He used to not care about anything or anyone enough to feel jealous.

Why would he when he’s talented, with a voice that can melt your ears and make you fall in love easily, a voice of an angel. He has the right amount of handsomeness and cuteness. He knows how to talk to you, woo you, make you fall. He has this all.

So why would he be jealous?

Even when he dated her, he didn’t mind when she kept on flirting with other idols. Whether it was because he’s confident or  because he didn’t really care. In any case, he does not get jealous, ever.

But looking at him now, his band member, his hidden love, he realized he can feel it too. This petty emotion people often describe as a green eyed monster. Ready to consume you and your sanity away.

All because of one person, and one person only. Park Chanyeol. His best friend, partner in crime, the yin to his yang. The reason to his laughters, and now of his tears.  

Baekhyun missed him and continues missing him. His presence next to him, his jokes, that even if others don’t find it funny, he laughs still. Because it is funny for him.

He longs for their late night drives, the times when they would just get inside his car and Chanyeol would drive to nowhere in particular and they would just stay there, together. They would turn on the music and they would sing along at the top of their lungs because there was only them inside the car and no one else mattered. The world outside did not matter.

Baekhyun wants to feel those long arms around him again. Misses Chanyeol’s hugs that always made him feel okay. The feeling of those arms around him that gives him the most comfort even in the darkest of times. One hug and every worry of his seemed to disappear.

Misses his smiles that fans always make fun of because he looks silly but he never looked more handsome to Baekhyun’s eyes. Specially those smiles that he knows were for him. Only for him.

As Chanyeol goes out at night to meet her with his eyes following him. As he spends all his time on his phone texting her. All of the attention he used to enjoy, not his now. All the time he used to spend with him. It’s all gone now.

(He misses the stare always sent his way. As he always does.)

Now he's here in the sidelines asking himself why. Why didn't he say yes when he asked him out? Why didn’t he say i love you back, when those words were still for him. Why didn’t he say those words back when he knew deep inside it’s all he’s ever wanted to tell him too?

Why, why, why?

He can only ask himself that as he looks at him rushing out to meet her. As he watches his best friend, his soulmate, his Chanyeol be someone else’s Chanyeol.

Jealousy was never his thing, but now as he looks around the dorm with no Chanyeol, he realizes it now is.
 

Jealousy used to be his thing. For Chanyeol, it was hard to imagine that THE Park Chanyeol, who people used to run after, would feel this emotion. They were always after him. Seeking his attention, seeking his affections. He can’t even believe it himself. That he will be able to experience and feel this thing called jealousy.

But what can he do? When he’d fallen for him. His best friend. His band mate. His soul mate.

Who wouldn’t? With that smile that makes his eye crinkle and make you die a little bit inside because of the cuteness. That puppy like personality, always hyper, always here and there. That laugh that sends tingles down his tummy and makes him feel like a teenager in love. That voice, the voice of an angel that could make everything better.

He was jealous when he clung to other members instead of him. He was jealous when he hung out with other members and not him. He was jealous when he was laughing and happy with other members and not with him. He was jealous when he chose her and not him.

He told him, you know. He told him of his feelings. Of how his smiles make his day bright and not the sun. How his power of light isn’t just some concept the company gave him for their debut, because he is light. He is his light. How every smile and laugh from him makes his day better. That it doesn’t matter if he has a crappy day so long as he had a good one. Park Chanyeol laid out his heart and soul to Byun Baekhyun, the man he’s in love with. He swallowed all his insecurities, his nervousness, he even felt like his heart was going to come out of his chest because of how fast it was beating. All of this he felt when he told him.

“Baekhyun-ah, I love you. Not as a friend, no. More than that. God knows, it’s very much more than that.”

And how at the same moment he felt his heart getting ripped from his chest when he saw him shake his head and tell him no. No, they can’t be more than that. No, he doesn’t feel the same way. No, he’s already got someone.

All these words broke him inside. Torn his heart into pieces he couldn’t even count. Turned his bright days into dark ones. Darkness that he doesn’t know when will end. If it ever ends.

Ever since, he’s been faking his smiles. He has to, for the group, for the fans, for s. Faking his laughter, faking his happiness.

He had to pretend to be okay while he’s there, at the other end of the line, perfectly okay. Laughing with the members beside him. Interacting with the fans. Being his usual, loveable self. And he thinks, it’s okay. As long as he’s happy. He should be. He will be.

(He misses the way Baekhyun looks in his way, stares at him, with the same loving eyes, eyes full of love for him. He misses it because it was in moments when he gives up and looks down. As he always does.)

So now, Chanyeol rushes out to meet her. Not because of excitement but because he can’t take it. Being in close proximity to him and yet not being able to touch him the way he wants to. Not being able to hold him like he wants to. Not being able to take it when he sees him with the other members. Because he’s jealous. He thought it was just in the past, that it just used to be his thing. But he realizes, that maybe it always was and will always be.

(Someday, maybe, they will finally look up at the same time. But right now, all they can feel is jealousy.)