The others leave the premiere first.

Baekhyun gets into the car that they had arrived in with a saucy wink. Jongdae laughs and hits him, because no matter what Baekhyun thinks, he isn’t really in the mood for jumping Junmyeon today, even if he did look really good at the premiere.

Jongdae waits, backstage, playing with an app on his phone that involves buying toys for cats that, in turn, leaves you fish. Jongdae doesn’t really understand the game, because you have to buy food for the cats, too, so why didn’t the cats just eat the fish? But Jongdae is insanely addicted to the game, anyway, so he spends his time waiting for Junmyeon giggling to himself over pixel cats and cursing that one fat cat that always eats all his food.

The door opens and Junmyeon stumbles in, laughing with Jisoo. A stab of jealously shoots through Jongdae, because these days he’s been hearing too much about Jisoo and not enough about them.

Jongdae knows a lot about the Glory Day cast. He listens when Junmyeon tells him funny anecdotes from filming, watches Junmyeon’s interviews and reads the magazines that he has photoshoots in. Jongdae knows that Junmyeon adores Jisoo, that he goes out to meet him alone - albeit in public - and treats him like a younger brother.

“Hey, Jongdae,” Junmyeon greets, and he doesn’t come over to kiss Jongdae like he usually does. Granted, given that their relationship was supposed to be a secret, this is something that Jongdae can’t fault him for since Jisoo was in the room. “Why are you still here?”

“Why are you still here?”

It’s probably an innocent question from Junmyeon’s point of view, but Jongdae’s been missing Junmyeon, and that once question sounds like Junmyeon doesn’t want him there. He flinches, and smiles stiffly when Junmyeon doesn’t even look like he’d noticed. “I was waiting for you,” He says, not wanting it to be awkward. “To go back to the dorms.”

“Ah,” Junmyeon gives, looking sheepishly apologetic. “We’re actually going out tonight, Jisoo and I.” Junmyeon tells him, and Jongdae can’t help the way his stomach clenches. “I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry.”

Jongdae blinks, once, twice, and then Junmyeon’s words register in his mind and he honestly, honestly can’t help the way his face falls. Jisoo seems to feel the tension in the air, and he excuses himself to remove the excessive makeup from his face first, leaving Junmyeon alone with Jongdae.

“Oh,” Jongdae manages to get out, as though his throat hasn’t tightened, as though he isn’t blinking back tears. You’re being too sensitive, he berates himself. Junmyeon has a social life outside of merely dating you. He’s going out with his co-actors to celebrate his debut film, nothing wrong with that.

But Jongdae, Jongdae wants. Jongdae wants to be the one Junmyeon celebrates his debut film with, he wants to be the one to hold Junmyeon’s hands and laugh at all the cheesy scenes, wants to have Junmyeon laugh at him when he feels sad seeing Junmyeon cry on screen.

Perhaps Jongdae is selfish, but Jongdae is in love.

“You’re spending a lot of time with Jisoo,” He points out, and he’s trying to smile through the tears he can feel gathering in his eyes. “You let him get away with a lot of things no one can get away with.”

Not even me.

Junmyeon frowns at that, and if he’d been okay with what Jongdae had said initially, he certainly wasn’t now. “What do you mean by that?”

“You let him hang off of you a lot,” Jongdae blurts out, and suddenly he can’t stop. Suddenly, all his insecurities are pouring out, and it’s wave upon wave of accusations. “You let him touch you in ways that you would normally shrug off if it were me. You don’t get annoyed at him when he goes too far with his skinship. You let him into your hotel room at night when you normally tell everyone not to disturb you because you need time on your own and-”

Jongdae stops, because he’s too choked up, and he looks down at his feet because he can’t cry, he doesn’t want to cry, damn it. He wouldn’t have cried, and because he wouldn’t have, Jongdae can’t. Jongdae wants to be enough, for Junmyeon.

Junmyeon’s eyes are cold, suddenly, and Jongdae chokes back a sob because he’s done it this time, he’s pushed Junmyeon’s boundaries too far. When they’d started this, whatever this relationship they had between the two of them, Junmyeon had accepted only after Jongdae knew this: That Junmyeon would never truly be his.

“When we started this,” Junmyeon begins. “You knew what you were getting into.”

Jongdae knew. And Jongdae still knows, still knows that he will never be enough for Junmyeon. Because he isn’t him, isn’t tall and dorky and doesn’t have a gummy smile. He doesn’t have the ability to speak multiple languages fluently, can’t wrap Junmyeon up in his long limbs, can’t fill the hole in Junmyeon’s heart.

Jongdae is short and cheerful and he has a kitten’s smile. He stutters through his Mandarin Chinese and can barely hold Junmyeon in his arms and he’s a poor substitute - if he can be even called a substitute - for the man that left Junmyeon broken.

He isn’t Wu Yifan, Jongdae knows, and he can’t make Junmyeon happy.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae murmurs, to his shoes. He bites down on his bottom lip, properly chastised, and waits until his voice is clear before he looks back up at Junmyeon.

“Have fun tonight, then,” He says, grinning his signature grin and tilting his head slightly to the side. He shrugs, almost helplessly, pretending that the way his eyes turn into crescents is how he usually smiles and not because he’s desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. “Congratulations on your film debut, hyung. We’re all really proud of you.”

I’m proud of you.

Jongdae makes his way out of the dressing room as quickly as he can. He passes by Jisoo, who sends him a pitying glance, and feels anger bubbling up inside of him. He doesn’t act on it, however, just smiles at the boy who had replaced him.

“Please,” He says, just as he passes by Jisoo, and his smile, his smile is so, so sad that it breaks Jisoo’s heart. “Take care of him for me.”

Jongdae carries on walking, until he makes it out onto the streets. The fans scream when they see him, but he moves on, to the street, and hails a cab. He mumbles the address of their dorm to the driver and slumps back onto the seat.

He had crossed a line, today. A line that he should never even have attempted to toe. He doesn’t know where he stands with Junmyeon now, but he knows that Junmyeon will be cold, will be cut off, now.

Before, when he had still been around, Jongdae had been that one dongsaeng that admired Junmyeon from afar. He’d silently sent Junmyeon glances when the other hadn’t been looking, and told himself that between what they had, he never stood a chance.

Then, when he had left, Junmyeon had broken. He’d broken and become a ghost of himself, and Jongdae had helped to piece Junmyeon back together with kind words and an even kinder smile. He had a chance now, he’d thought, and he offers all of himself to Junmyeon even though he would never get anything more than Junmyeon’s body in return.

Now? Now, Jongdae isn’t so sure. He doesn’t think he can go back to just being a member of EXO to Junmyeon, like he hadn’t cuddled with him when he was sad, like he hadn’t held him when he needed to cry, hadn’t writhed and moaned on his bed when he was lonely. Jongdae doesn’t think he can go back to being just Jongdae, just Chen.

But it’s not something that Jongdae can control anymore. The gun is in Junmyeon’s hands, and Jongdae is standing in front of the barrel, at gunpoint. Jongdae had given Junmyeon everything, and left himself with nothing, and now he’s here, and Junmyeon’s so close, just hours away, when he gets back to the dorm, from pulling the trigger.

Jongdae closes his eyes, and he pretends that he’s okay. He pretends that he isn’t crying, pretends he’s important to Junmyeon in the way that Junmyeon is to him. Jongdae’s very good at pretending; he’d made a career out of it, after all.

Jongdae closes his eyes, and tries to pretend that in his attempt to piece a broken Junmyeon back together, he himself hadn't shattered.