Wherever you are
Every night I almost call you
Just to say it always will be you
Wherever you are…

I stared at the planes taking off, flying to another place, leaving special memories… special people. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself as I opened the car door. I got off and walked to a restaurant near the airport. And I saw him through the glass, he was sitting, wearing a simple black shirt and torn pants, his orange hair almost in his eyes, fiddling with his phone. I smiled.

“Jimin.”

“Jin hyung!”

And he saw the brightest smile that had saved him so many times. My heart ached. “Is he coming?”

“Yep. Just delayed a few minutes he said. I think it’s with his passport. But nothing to worry about.”

“Okay. Did you already eat?”

“Nah. I’m waiting for the both of you. Do you want to eat?”

I shook my head and smiled.

He looked at me worried. “Is there a problem, hyung?”

“Mm? Nothing. I just… Can I hug you?”

Jimin’s eyes grew big and his cheeks flushed pink. He’s beautiful. He’s charming. He’s everything that I want. No one else.

Right?

“W-Why do you suddenly want a hug?” He looked so cute trying to dodge my serious stare at him. I chuckled.

“Why? Can’t I have my hug today?”

“Aigoo.” He grinned and sat beside me, gave me the tightest and warmest hug I have received for so many times. He knew there’s something wrong with me. He always knew. But he was always there. “I don’t know what it is, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll always give you a hug.”

“Yeah. Thank you, Jimin.”

“I love you, Jin hyung.”

I chuckled. Those five words he always says to me, how he said my name endearingly, how a little smile would always appear in his face… it was beyond comparing. He’s all I have. And he’s all I need.

“I love you t---“

“Hyung.”

My reply was cut by a word from a person standing behind me. My back stiffens. My heart stopped. Memories came back. The pain tore my world apart once again. Jimin broke from the hug and I was left there dumbfounded.

He’s here.

“Taehyung!” Jimin called and was grinning from ear to ear. “You grew up a lot. You’re taller than me now.”

“Yeah. It’s been 7 years, hyung.”

I closed my eyes. I can’t face him. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t yet.

I sighed. But I must.

I stood up and wear the face whom I don’t even know.

“Hi.”

Taehyung greeted me. I was so glad I didn’t break down in front of him when I saw how a lot of him changed, how his clothes suited him perfectly, how his flushing cheeks matched his thin pink lips. I was so glad Jimin held my hand that time. I was so glad he was there right by my side.

“Jin hyung, my bestfriend, Taehyung. Taehyung, my boyfriend, Jin hyung.”

Jimin smiled at me. I smiled back.

“I know.” Taehyung replied. “I’ve known him a long time ago. Before he came here in America.”

----

Torn in two
And I know I shouldn't tell you
But I just can't stop thinking of you
Wherever you are
 

“Hyung, Jin hyung”

“What is it, Taehyung?” I opened my eyes slightly. I saw him standing at the end of the bed.

“Are they going to take you? Are you going to leave?” His voice was worried; he was close to crying. His nose was a little bit red and so his eyes. It was painful seeing him like that.

I tapped the space of the bed beside me. He lied down and hugged me.

“It’s still not sure, Taehyung.”

“But… your grandparents want you there.”

“There’s nothing they can do if I don’t want, right?”

“No. There’s nothing you can do when they want you there. You’re just 17 years old hyung. You still can’t go against your parents.”

I looked at him. I can’t see his face but I knew he was already crying. His shoulders were slightly shaking; he was sniffing silently as he can.

“Do you want me to leave?” I asked.

“No. No. I want you here beside me. I don’t want you to go. Just stay here with me.”

“Then I will.”

But I didn’t. My parents won and we all migrated to America. Taehyung knew and he went to see me off in the airport. He was crying so bad and he didn’t care how he looked like. He just stood there and cried. It was painful.

“S-See? Y-You’re going to--- to leave… You’re leaving me… here…”

I cleared my throat. I promised not to cry in front of him. I promised not to make him stop me from leaving. I hugged him. “I-I’m sorry… I’ll call you every day. Always keep your phone open for me, okay?”

He nodded. He hugged me back. “Hyung, I love you. Will you come back?”

“I love you, too Kim Taehyung. Yeah. I’ll come back for you.”

For a while we pretended
That we never had to end it
But we knew we'd have to say goodbye
 

It was hard turning my back on him when my parents called for me. I heard his muffled cries, the hiccups. I couldn’t stop myself, I turned my head and looked at him for the last time. He never moved a bit to where he was standing, he was staring back at me. He’s going to wait for me.

You were crying at the airport
When they finally closed the plane door
I could barely hold it all inside

I grabbed my phone and dialed a number.

Sniff. “H-Hyung…”

“I’ll call you every day. Please stop crying.”

“I wanted to, you know. But I don’t know why it won’t stop.” He chuckled.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too hyung… Bye.”

I held my breath for I’m going to say the hardest word I’d have to say. “Goodbye, Taehyung.”

----

I wish I didn't have to be gone
Maybe you've already moved on
But the truth is I don't want to know

After 2 years of continuous communication between us, we both became busy with our own lives. I could hardly call; he could hardly answer the phone. Before I knew it… we’re done. The string that connects us suddenly was cut off. We never called each other again.

And I met Jimin. He was the cheerful neighbor who always helped me when I end up drunk in my own door from parties. He was the one who had been there. He was the one who searched the keys for me and opened the door I chose to close.

We fell in love. We’re happy. And then one day I learned he was Taehyung’s childhood best friend and he was going to stay at Jimin’s house for his vacation. Just how much destiny could be playful?

“Hyung, can you cook for us today?”

I turned my head and there was Jimin leaning at the kitchen table. And Taehyung. I wasn’t aware that I’ve stared too long. “Hyung?”

I looked at Jimin. “Oh sorry. Okay. Just wait there and we’ll eat later.”

“Thank you!” he said and I smiled. I turned my back again and get back to cutting the vegetables before I stare again at him.

It had already been seven years. We got our own lives. I can’t accept I’m still affected by him. That my heart still skips a bit, that I’m still hurting. We never ended because we had something we never agreed. It’s because we always do. And we came into a decision that it will not work. That things were not going to be the same again.

“Jimin, I ran out of eggs. I’m going out for a bit.”

“Eh? Should I buy it for you?”

“No. It’s fine. Just stay here.”

“Can I come with you?”

I looked to the guy who said that. Taehyung.

“Really, Taehyung?” Jimin asked. He was smiling.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what I should feel. The last thing I want right now is to finally talk to him when I was having a hard time stopping myself from doing so.

“Yep. I’ll come.” Taehyung smiled at the both of us.

“Yeah, you should come. He could tour you. Hehe. I’ll wait here.” Jimin said. His smile was genuine. I felt a pang in my heart. He knew nothing about me and Taehyung. I don’t want to hurt him.

“But---“

“Come on, hyung” Jimin pleaded.

I groaned. “Okay. Stay here okay? We’ll be back later.”

“Mm!”

“If you’re hungry, I reheated the pizza there. Eat it, okay?”

“Yes, yes. Don’t worry about me hyung. Go and buy and just come back safely, okay?”

I sighed. “Okay.” I turned at Taehyung who’s silently watching us. “Let’s go.”

He nodded.

The walk to the store was silent and awkward. Taehyung felt it too. He was the one who broke the silence. “So… how are you?”

I was caught off guard with his sudden question. “Okay. I’m fine. You?”

He grinned at me. “Mm... I don't know... Not okay, I guess? It's just, I’m still waiting for someone, you know. But it looks like I got no one to wait for. I think he was okay and fine right now.” He smiled at me.

“Taehyung…”

“I’m just joking, hyung. Hehe But wow, you grew up, too. But I’m just a few inches smaller than you, eh?”

“Taehyung.”

“Your shoulders got broader, too. And your hair now suits you more than in the past. You should keep it that way and— “

“Stop it.” I said firmly. Him saying these things pains me. He was hurting and I am, too. I don’t want things to be this way.

He stopped walking and smiled bitterly. “I’m just happy that I saw you again, hyung. I thought I wouldn’t ever again." 

He heaved a sigh and continued. "When you had said goodbye, I knew it wouldn’t last that long. I knew that’s why I cried a lot. When you turned your back and you became smaller with every step you take away from me, I already knew that we’ll come to a decision that we have to let each other go. But I’m holding on to a little hope that maybe I was wrong. That maybe we can do it. But we didn’t.”

I stopped walking. It was painful but I tried keeping my back on him. I cleared my throat. “Taehyung, we have to come back. Jimin’s waiting for us.”

“Just hear me a little okay? Maybe I could change your decision a little bit.”

I closed my eyes. This is what scares me. That maybe when we talk, maybe when I heard his side, that maybe when he made me realize that I was the one who had left him, my feelings would change. I don’t want that. I don’t want to hurt Jimin.

“Taehyung.”

“And even after everything ended, even if you had someone right now… I’m still holding on to that little hope.”

He started walking past at me. “Let’s go. Jimin hyung’s waiting. I know you don’t want him to keep waiting.”

----

You can say we'll be together
Someday
Nothing lasts forever
Nothing stays the same
So why can't I stop feeling this way

I’m alone in my room right now and I’m staring at the ceiling for hours. I don’t know what to do. Jimin’s away for a college activity. He said I have to take care of Taehyung while he was away for two days. I groaned. “Why do I have to do that? He could take care of himself.”

And then I remembered Taehyung can’t cook.

Facepalm.

I grabbed my phone at the bedside table and dialed his number. It’s still his number, he hasn’t changed it after those years.

Cause you’re the only one who changed. You have a new life now.

I put that thought aside. I heard a few rings when he finally answered the phone. “Jin hyung.”

I inhaled sharply. After a very long time, I heard his voice again on the phone. I remembered the times when I’d call and he’ll answer like that. His voice was deeper but it was still the same kind of ‘Jin hyung’, the same tone he uses when he answers the phone. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to cook.”

I rolled my eyes. “Stop that. I know you can’t cook.”

“I COULD COOK!” he shouted at the other side of the phone. I know he was pouting. I smiled.

“You can’t. Come over here. It’s lunch, I’ll cook for us.”

“Really?”

“Mm. Just stop that. You’re not planning on burning Jimin’s house, are you?”

“You’re so rude, Jin hyung.”

I let out a laugh. “Come on. Turn off the stove. Close the door and come here.”

“Okay, okay.”

I waited for him to end the call. But a few seconds passed and he still didn’t. “Taehyung?”

“You do it, Jin hyung.”

“No, you do.”

“You’re the one who first called. You should do it.”

“I’m the one who pressed the call button, you should do it.”

A few seconds of silence passed and they both laughed. “Ugh, come on hyung.”

“Okay, okay.” I gave in and ended the call. I stood up and proceeded to the kitchen. After a few minutes of preparing the ingredients, someone knocked on the door. “Hyung!”

I ran and turned the knob. And there was Taehyung. “What happened with your cooking?” I asked while walking towards the kitchen again.

“It’s color black.”

I laughed. “I knew it. Sit there and watch anything. I’ll cook.”

“Okay.”

After cooking, I served the table and called for Taehyung. We chatted happily. Just like before. Like there’s nothing that happened between us. It was nice. It was nice talking to him again, it was nice being with him again. I don’t want to admit it but I really missed him. I missed the conversations, the laughter from nonsense things.

“How can you cook so good? That’s not fair!”

I smirked at him. “I'm so blessed with looks and talent, eh?”

Taehyung threw him a what-the- look. I laughed. We both washed the dishes and watched movie together. And then we both decided to take a walk. We stopped at a small park and sat in one of the benches.

There was silence again.

“Hyung.”

Taehyung called.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going back to Korea again the day after Jimin hyung got home.”

Silence.

Everything seems to stop. I don’t know what to feel again. I don’t know how to handle the sudden rush of unknown feelings again.

“It seems my vacation was up.” He said when I didn’t respond.

“Hyung, will you come with me?”

I turned my head and looked at him. He wasn’t looking at me. “It was too much to ask I know. But will you come with me? I want to start again. There’s another chapter after one right?”

“Taehyung…”

I could fly a thousand oceans
But there's nothing that compares to
What we had, and so I walk alone

“You know, I almost stopped living when you left. I thought I was alone when you’re finally out of my sight. Just the thought of you away from me hurts a lot. You called every day, we talked a lot. You told me a lot of stories and that’s when I realized… you've already adjusted and you were already happy. You're not going back. You already have a good life and I'm just the one holding you back from having one. And who am I to stop that happiness? I love you so much that I have chosen to finally let you go. It was more painful than the time I said goodbye.”

A tear fell from his eyes. “I always had a hard time stopping myself from calling you when you didn’t call one day. I always have to stop crying when I saw missed calls on the phone. And then, eventually, I had to stop myself from answering your calls. I have to let you go because I know you’re not going to go back. You’re not coming back for me.”

“Then the thing I had always been afraid came. You called and we ended it. You’re the first one who pressed the end button. I didn’t try to call again because I know we already had our decisions. I don’t want pain anymore. I focused on my studies, I tried to get you out of my mind. And I did. But then, Jimin suddenly called and asked if I’d like to have a vacation here. I heard your name. So I did. I’m not sure if it was really you but I still did. I don’t want to give up on us. You’re everything I want.”

I stared at him and realized what had happened on him the time I decided to leave him. It wasn't easy on me but it wasn't also for him. I couldn’t stop myself, I stood up and hugged him.

---

Torn in two
And I know I shouldn't tell you
But I just can't stop thinking of you
Wherever you are

Jimin was back and we’re right now at my house’ terrace. Taehyung was in Jimin’s house. And so was his mind.

“Hyung… are you listening?” Jimin asked. Worried.

I looked at him and smiled. I don’t want him to worry. “Did you already rest? You just came back.”

“Nah, I’m fine. I’m stronger than you know.” He grinned. I smiled back at him.

After that conversation between Taehyung and me at the park, we went home. We never talked again after that. Maybe he wants me to think things over.

“You don’t look so well.” Jimin said again.

I chuckled and ruffled his hair. “You’re such a worrywart. I’m fine.”

“But you look sad. Is it Taehyung?”

My hand stopped. I looked at him surprised.

He smiled at me, sadly. He looked away from me and leaned at the balcony. “I don’t know anything hyung but I could feel it. You suddenly changed when I said his name one day to you. That my best friend’s going to take a vacation here. You always seem so spaced up. I feel you weren’t here either.”

“Jimin…”

“Can you tell me?”

I took a deep breath.

I stood beside him and nodded. I cleared my throat and started telling him our story. “Taehyung and I met in the same school club. Introduced to each other by some of our common friends. We fell in love and became happy. And then, I suddenly had to leave because my grandparents wanted our family to live here. I wasn’t able to stop that. I had to leave him. We endured it for two years until we decided to end it.”

“And he want you back again?”

I quietly nodded.

Jimin chuckled. “He was your first love, wasn’t he? I just came in the time when you were so vulnerable. When you needed someone to help you. I was there in the hardest times. So maybe you don’t love me like the way you think you do.”

I firmly stared at him. “Jimin, don’t say that again.”

“You can go back to him, you know. It’s hard but I’ll let you go. I would always want your happiness.”

A long silence passed us. So Jimin would also let me go because he wants my happiness? Sometimes, I think it wasn't fair. Can't I chose for my own?

I thought, maybe things would be different between Taehyung and I this time.

I shook my head and hugged him tightly. “Jimin…"

"Have you decided?"

I nodded. "I’m sorry.”

---

For a while we pretended
That we never had to end it
But we knew we'd have to say goodbye
You were crying at the airport
When they finally closed the plane door
I could barely hold it all inside

“So it’s time.”

“Taehyung… have you enjoyed it here?” Jimin asked.

“A lot! Thank you for letting me stay with you.”

“Of course. You can come back anytime.”

Taehyung laughed a little. “I don’t think I can.”

“Come oooon, you little .”

“I’ll try, okay?”

“Do it. You’re always welcome here. Take care, Taehyung. We’ll meet again.”

They both smiled and hugged each other.

It's my turn now. I dragged the luggages and walked in front of him.

I wish I didn't have to be gone
Maybe you've already moved on
But the truth is I don't want to know

I walked in front of him.

“Hyung.”

I sighed. “I want to say sorry.”

“It’s okay. I already know you already have chosen a long time ago.”

“Yeah. Sorry for doing this, Taehyung.”

“Jimin, I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I love you. You’re my present now. I do think of him; I am bothered by him maybe because I can’t still forgive myself.  I had hurt him badly. But things had ended between Taehyung and I and things already started for us. I'm sorry I doubted my feelings for you in a while. I don't know what I really felt the whole time. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I love you and I don't want to hurt you. So don’t say you’ll let me go. I don’t want you to let me go.”

“I think this is really the end?” He chuckled. “I’ll try to be happy again hyung. I’ll find my happiness again. Don’t look so guilty.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“One sorry again or I’ll punch you in the face.”

“You’re so jealous with my face.”

They both laughed.

“Thank you, Taehyung. When you came back please make sure you already find the one you really want.”

“Yeah. I’ll never let him go the way I did with you.” He sighed. “Oh well. I’ll be late for the flight. I’ll get going.”

“Yeah. Please be safe.”

Taehyung started to walk away from them. I held Jimin’s hand and smiled at him. He smiled back.

Jimin’s my happiness now. He was the one who had been there when I was all alone. He'd been so patient waiting for my answers even when I'm not in the mood for talking. He'd give me a smile when I thought I did things wrong. He'd cry for me whenever I can't for myself. But I don't love him just because of those. It's because he was Park Jimin. I couldn't ask for more.

My phone rang. It was Taehyung. I answered.

“Hyung. Take care of Jimin for me, okay?”

“Yeah. You take care hmm?”

“Yeah. I’ll call again some time. Goodbye, hyung.”

I smiled when he looked back at me. I'm not going to say the things that will hurt him more. I want things between me and Taehyung to be different this time, right?

“See you again, Taehyung.”