Listen to this while reading!

(The italic ones are memories.)

 

I woke up to a feeling of being watched by someone, but when I lifted my heavy lids and looked around, there was no one with me. I was alone. I drowsily looked at the calendar on the wall ahead of me. There was marked one day with blue marker. Today - 19th April - the day when I asked you if you will be mine, day of your birthday and day when you left me.

Someone once said that sadness can kill. Nonsense. If these words were true, I would already be like six feet underground in a coffin. But sadness can lead into depression or mental issues and this can be a cause of death. It's more likely for me, but I don't care. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, right? Well, I'm waiting whole three hundred sixty five days and I'm not feeling any stronger.

 

 

I was so nervous all day. It had to be perfect, so I wanted everything to be simply excellent. Lu once said that he like pansies - their scent, colour and because they remind him of his childhood which was gone too soon for him, so on the way to Han's house I dropped by flower shop and I bough a small bunch of these flowers.

Standing by the doors of Lu Han's house I tried to calm my shaking legs but I failed. I was like a freaking jelly! I couldn't even calm while listening to soft chirping of birds and slow whistle of wind, and that said something. I always loved staying at Han's home, because I felt so at ease there.

I looked at the beautiful garden, full of colorful flowers. If Hannie will kill me for what I'm going to do, please, someone bury me under this bunch of the tea roses. They took like one third of yard, they would definitely hide me just right. Or not? I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I will just back down? It's not too late, no one will see if I just turn around and run as fast as I can.

Oh Sehun, you're such a coward. An idiot too, but no one cares at the moment.

"Earth to Sehun." I turned around startled, when I heard a familiar tender voice of a boy, just near my ear. I almost hit him in the face with my nose, but he just chuckled at my reaction. At the doorstep was standing a little taller than me, beautiful boy. He was the same age as me, but he looked much younger because of his blonde hair and baby face. Lu Han chuckled and I was staring at how beautiful he looked. Just standing there and smiling, he looked like an angel.

"My mother's flowers are that interesting?" He asked and tilted his head to one side like an amused and curious puppy. Lu opened wider the doors signaling me to enter the house.

I just nodded distracted but stayed in my place. Then I remembered about pansies.

"It's for you." I said shyly, giving him the flowers. Oh my God, I felt my cheeks were burning.

"Aww, thank you Hunnie. You're so cute!" The boy took the gift from me and smiled even wider. His eyes were all sparkly and he looked genuinely happy.

"I-I... uhh... want to s-say something. Kind of." I stuttered nervously. There is no turning back. I just wish I won't pee myself out of panic or something. Not that it ever happened before.

"I'm all ears then."

"Not here." I shook my head and smiled slightly.

"Then where?"

"Come with me." I got hold of his hand and pulled him slightly to my direction.

"Wait." The boy withdrew his hand so I pouted offended. "Don't make that face, I'll go when I put the flowers in a vase." He chuckled and shook his head when I smiled again.

When he disappeared in the house, I thought it won't be that bad.

Twenty minutes later we were sitting on a bench in a park. The weather was great as in the middle of April; the sun was shining brightly and everything was coming back to life. I looked at sixteen year old boy with hammering heart. Oh my God, I'm confessing to my best friend, I'm gonna die out of embarrassment. Lu Han was reading the letter I wrote last night and I was sitting just next to him, shoulders and knees touching. When he finished, he looked at me with broad smile and hugged me, quite tightly.

"Oh Hunnie, I think the answer is obvious, of course yes. But really?" The boy whispered to my ear and I shivered lightly from a feeling of his warm breath on my skin.

Well, I didn't know for sure if he likes me too. Sure, he was much more cuddly and intimate with me lately, but there was always chance he doesn't feel the same with me. But I was so proud of myself I finally did it, from months of having a crush on him. And he said yes to being my boyfriend! I think I'll faint.

"Huh? What do you mean?" I asked a little dazed but soon I hugged him back.

"Well, other people would confess their undeniably love by speaking and not writing the letter." The boy teased and moved away a little, but cupped my right cheek and caressed the skin there with his thumb.

Why letter? Because I doubt Lu Han would understand my confession with all my stuttering and lisp. I was really insecure with speaking when I was nervous. And I knew he liked it that way. It's so romantic!

"But I'm not other people." I closed my eyes and laid my hand on his, while he still was  my cheek. "Do you think... we will last long?"

I didn't open my eyes, afraid of his answer.

"Of course. We will be together forever. I promise." I opened my eyes slowly and I saw he looked at me softly.

"You are mine now, so don't leave me. Ever." I murmured possessively.

"Okay." Han smiled, a little amused.

"And Lulu?"

"Hmm?" The boy hummed.

"Happy birthday."

 

 

 

 Already dressed and almost ready to go out, I ran downstairs. The smell of breakfast was so good! When I went into the kitchen, I saw my mom making a tea. She was a short and thin woman with long, black hair and dark brown eyes I inherited from her.

"Hunnie! I was just about to call you. Sit and eat." I did as she wished, and a little later both of us were eating in silence.

"Today's Saturday. Do you have any plans?" She asked when we finished eating and I helped her to clean the table from the plates and mugs.

"I'm going to Lu Han." I said calmly and by the corner of my eye I saw my mom flinched. I put my cup in the sink and leaned on a kitchen cupboard. We stayed like this in silence - me with my back to her, she making a face to me.

"Sehun... I'm not sure if it's the best idea. Not today."

"Listen to me." I said harshly through clenched teeth. I hate when someone tells me what to do, even if it's my mom. I'm already eighteen, if I make mistakes, they're mine, I will be hurt, not her. I glared at poor bunny mug like it's his fault I'm angry. "I will go to him and please, don't discuss this with me any further. I'm a big boy, I know what I am doing. You know I didn't meet with him in a long time and I want to simply visit him. Even if he leaved me, doesn't mean I gave up on him."

"Hunnie..." My mom looked at me this time softer but I could only sigh. I turned around and faced her concerned expression.

"Give up. I want to spend his birthday with him."

My mom looked so worried, but didn't say anything anymore. She just lowered her eyes and put the dishes in the sink. She looked so fragile and small. Just like me long time ago.

"I'm going." She just nodded and I went to the hall. I wore my old shoes and took my jacket with me. It looked like today will be raining.

"I will be okay." I whispered to particularly no one. I just wished it to be truth.

 

 

The weather was horrible the whole month. Most days it was raining or snowing, and because of it I didn't want to go outside at all, but today was special day. So even rain couldn't destroy my great mood.

I checked the last time if I have a little gift in my hoodie's pocket, I grabbed an umbrella and I ran outside with smile on my face. Lu Han's house was about one mile from my home so we weren't really neighbors.

It took me two times faster than usually to get to Lu Han out of excitement. In no time I was standing in a hallway of his house taking off my soaked shoes and jacket. My umbrella was left near the entrance to dry. Just when I entered my friend's house it stopped raining and the sun came from behind clouds. Only Oh Sehun's lucky.

"Han is in his room." Mrs. Lu said and smiled. She was always very optimistic and every time I would come over, she would hug me and ask how is my life going. She even once said I'm like her second son, because I was inseparable with Han from childhood.

"Thank you." I smiled as well and bowed my head. I wanted to see my boyfriend already so I ran upstairs, almost tripping on one of the steps.

"Knock, knock!" I shouted when I stood in front of Lu Han's door, knocking at the same time.

"Who's there?" I heard Lulu's muffled voice. 

"A friend!"

"What friend?" The doors opened and I saw the smiling teenager.

"Your boyfriend." I whispered, leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"Come in." Lu chuckled and opened the door wider.

I entered quite small, very colorful room. It was like a reflection of it's owner - cheerful and full of life by all the interesting things that were there: from various posters and pictures on the walls, through a telescope standing by the window, a guitar based on the wardrobe, lots of cups and medals on the dresser, to the desk full of stickers on which laid bunch of papers, books and wrappers from some sweets.

Feeling like in my own house I jumped on the bed, laid on my back and closed my eyes. When I heard the sounds of the door closing and twisting a key in the lock I smiled slightly.

"So. Why would you come here?" He asked pretending to not know the reason.

"Of course I came here to take a nap, you have so comfy bed. Why else?" I my left and faced the white wall, covering my body with a duvet.

"Sehun!" He shouted resentfully. "Did you forget about today?"

"What is today?" I asked trying not to laugh and at the same time sounding sleepy.

"My birthday!"

I waited, thinking he'll say something more, like, I don't know, maybe our anniversary? But he was quiet, so I frowned and threw the duvet from my face. I looked at him, but I was pleasantly surprised when I felt his soft lips on mine. He tasted like strawberries and chocolate. I would like to say it was his natural taste, but I was sure he ate some kind of sweets not long ago.

"Not only for you it's special day. For me too." I said when he slightly moved away.

"It better be, you don't want to see me angry!" He threatened, but I already seen him angry. He looked hilarious and cute.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever floats your boat. Now close your eyes for a minute." The blonde teenager looked at me quizzically but did as I said so I propped myself on a right elbow and pulled out the gift. Suddenly I felt insecure so I sat properly in front of my boyfriend and bit my lower lip. What if he won't like it? What if I made a mistake buying it? Yeah, great timing Sehun, it proves you're still an idiot. I looked at Lu Han considering backing off, but I couldn't do it anymore, because he looked straight at the little, red, cubic box I settled on the duvet.

"You're not proposing, right?" Lu Han asked surprised. He looked even more cute with widened eyes and slightly opened mouth. "We're only seventeen!"

"Open." I nodded at the gift, ignoring his absurd rambling.

"Okay, I'm scared." Despite these words, he slowly took the box and opened it. "You bought for me... a promise ring?" 

"Yeah. I saw you admiring it on display at jeweler so I though it'd be the perfect gift for you." He looked bewildered and uncertain.

"It's true, but it looks very expensive. My bad I don't remember it's price... But I never wore things like this, what if I lost it? Or broke?"

"Nah, I would buy everything what you wish for. And don't worry, it's on a chain so you can wear it on your neck."

He stared at me, then at the gift and again at me. The teenager beamed and hugged me on my waist. He was so cute, when he looked upwards at me, chin resting on my chest, innocent eyes blinking quickly.

"Sehun, you're too perfect." I smiled and embraced him too. The only one perfect here is you Lulu. "Thank you so much, this gift is amazing. But I don't like it that you hate receiving gifts and you forbade me to buy you anything."

"I don't want anything more than you. You're my happiness, and its enough gift for me." It was so cheesy, but real at the same time. Lu Han raised his eyebrows, smirked and pushed me back so I laid on the bed again.

"Oh, but I have a little surprise for you. Don't worry, I didn't pay a lot for it, just wait until my mom will go to work and I will-"

"Han I'm going, lock the door and behave, I will be back at eleven P.M!" The said woman shouted from downstairs and we heard the sound of slammed door.

"And I will give it to you." The boy ended his sentence and smirked. He straddled me, leaned forward and kissed me. I felt this tickling sensation in my stomach and chest. The kiss didn't stop only on my lips. The jaw was next, then my neck and collarbones. When I felt Han's warm hands under my shirt on my sides, then chest I was already a shivering mess.

"Lu." I murmured his name softly and he straightened up. I looked at him with hooded eyes. I wanted to ask him if he's sure, if he's ready but air hitched in my throat. He looked so, so beautiful. His fair and smooth complexion seemed to be glowing under the sunlight from the window. His dark, sparkling eyes were peeking under his messy bangs, locked on my own. The lips I kissed hundreds times and never couldn't get tired of, were glossy and formed into a sweet smile. I couldn't do anything more than admire him. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest with pride, admiration and love. I was so overwhelmed with my emotions I was sure this was the feeling when someone was on drugs. This feeling of euphoria, of being on the top of the world. Nothing else mattered at this moment, only the two of us.

"Don't worry, Hunnie, just relax." And so I did.

 

 

 

I walked slowly on the sidewalk, once in a while looking around me. At the end of my path I could already see a steel gate. When I was nearer, I saw Mrs. Lu exiting the area.

I bowed whole ninety degree as for well mannered Korean teenager I was, and in exchange the woman weakly smiled. Lu Han's mother changed a lot with the time being - every time I met her, she was constantly sad. She was rarely going out what worried me, because she was always like a second mother to me. I sighed at the poor sight of her.

Any loss in some way changes people.

"Hello Sehun. Came here to Han?" She asked quietly. I nodded. She lowered her gaze and looked at my left hand where I had a bunch of flowers.

"Pansies." She whispered. The woman slowly lifted her hand and touched one petal of blue flower, but when she just did that, she lowered her palm quickly. "His favourites."

"Yes." I said and swallowed hardly. We were standing in awkward silence, both of us unable to start any topic, until Mrs. Lu cleared .

"You must miss him badly, go ahead, I only need to go to the store and I'm going back home. I advise you the same, the rain can fall any minute and I see you don't have any umbrella with you."

"Okay." I tried to smile, show the woman I'm fine unlike everyone think, but I think I ended with some kind of grimace, so I quickly bowed, murmured goodbye and crossed the gate not looking behind me. I couldn't look at Mrs. Lu's face full of pain.

I lowered my gaze in order to not look around me, because the view would only depress me more. I never visited cemetery often, until the last year when I was here countless times and I already memorized the way to my destination. From the gate sixteen steps ahead and twenty steps to the right. I lifted my gaze and clenched my jaw when I looked at dull, gray tombstone in which were engraved with black letters name and surname of the most important person in my life, his date of birth and date of death - damned 19th April. There were no benches in this place so as usually I fell on my knees to the humid soil around grave. I couldn't care less about my pants. I gently laid flowers just next to photo frame of smiling Lu Han and as always I started speaking what happened from my last visit.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't come in a long time, but I wanted to spent the last days with my sister. She left to the Seoul yesterday. You know, college. We won't see each other in a long time." I was tracing invisible patterns on a rough surface of tombstone plaque and every minute which passed by I was getting colder and colder but I didn't want to come back home. Not yet. "I saw your mom on my way here, you know? She looked very sad, but don't worry, I'll make sure to take care of her... What else? Oh, it's your birthday, but I don't know what can I wish you. I just hope that wherever you are right now you are happy."

My lips started wobbling and I felt familiar tightness in the throat and chest, so I put my arms on the grave, leaned my head on them and closed my eyes, trying my best not to cry.

"You have no idea how much I would give to hug you again. Or see your smile. We all miss you so much. I think about you all the time, about all of our happy moments together but I can't stop replaying in my head the moment when your mom called me, just before midnight, and said that some guy h-hit you by... by car when you were coming back from a store. Dead on arrival. And just some hours earlier we were celebrating your birthday and our anniversary together." I bit my lower lip and took a shaky breath. "It's already one, pathetic year and I still can't accept the fact that you're gone. Why would you leave me with all of this alone!? You promised!" I hit the grave with frustration and anger.

"What a freaking coincidence that you left me the day, which had to be the most beautiful in my life?" I wanted to scream, cry, hurt myself and commit a suicide at the same time, but I let myself do only one thing. Finally, hot tears streamed down my cheeks and dropped to the cold, dead grave. My heart clenched painfully. It hurts. It hurts so much. I just want him back, please. My best friend, my lover, my brother. The person who loves me the most, the person who I do love the most. He was so young, so innocent. Why would he leave? Nothing makes sense for me right now, because without him, I'm not myself. When he left, part of me left as well.

When I felt slight warm on back I opened my eyes thinking it's the sun but when I looked at the sky, there were still dark clouds hanging above my head. First raindrop dropped on my forehead. Second on my cheek. Third on my lips. Sobbing and trembling from the excess of emotions I laughed quite hysterically. I went back to the previous position, with lying on the grave.

"Yeah, Lulu." I sniffed. "Maybe you're not here with me, but you will always be in my heart. Together forever, remember?" I whispered to the quiet, lonely space, closed my eyes and smiled slightly.
"I love you. Always."

 

 

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A/N: Finally finished!  If you found any mistakes, please tell me! ^^

Please, leave a comment, it means a lot to me!

And now...

OH MY GOD I'M CRYING. THE LAST PARAGRAPH.  WHAT HAVE I DONE. I'M GOING TO HIDE, BYE |ω･)ﾉ