It’s easy to fall for Yunhyeong, way too easy. Chanwoo learn this the hard way. He doesn’t remember when or how it happened but somehow Chanwoo can’t seem to take his eyes off Yunhyeong. Every little move Yunhyeong does seems different to Chanwoo. The way the older takes care of him, the way he pats his head and tell him he worked hard before anyone else can. How Yunhyeong’s eyes close when he smiles. Everything is painfully obvious to Chanwoo and he can’t help but fall for the older.  

  
The process of falling for Yunhyeong is easy and Chanwoo doesn’t ask for it, doesn’t question it, doesn’t even wonder why Yunhyeong and not the kind girl in his class who helps him catch up to his classes, he just lets himself go with the flow. He lets himself lean a little longer than normal in Yunhyeong’s encouraging pats on his head, smile a little more to the older than the others, care a little more, put a little more food on Yunhyeong’s plate, try a little more than Yunhyeong tells him to. Do everything a little more when it comes to Yunhyeong. And Chanwoo falls but it’s nothing like butterflies and happiness. It’s more of Chanwoo closing himself in, more of Chanwoo trying to get Yunhyeong’s attention, trying to be the first he greets him and the morning and the last to wish him “sleep well” at night, than Chanwoo hopping and laughing like the dramas showed him. More of Chanwoo spending sleepless nights wondering why Yunhyeong won’t look at him the way he looks at Yunhyeong.   

  
At first he felt special, every encouraging smile, every pat on his head, every “Chanwoo-yah you worked hard”, it felt like they were directed especially towards him. As time goes Chanwoo loses himself in everything that Yunghyeong is and maybe he realizes he wanted to be special.  

They have one of their rare days off in Japan, sitting all together to Hanbin's room, Hanbin, himself and Jinhwan sit on the carpeted floor, it's fluffy and Chanwoo feels his warm because of the heating floor. Junhoe sits in the desk chair, close to everyone but not too close, playing a stupid game of threes he recently discovered, paying attention to the others but not really cause this is Junhoe. Donghyuk lays face down on Hanbin's bed, head where the feet are suppose to be, playing with Jinhwan' hair. Jiwon brings too much food and Yunhyeong scolds him as he helps im bring in a dozen of take out it could feed two iKON groups, but Jiwon just laughs it off defending that Yunhyeong bought too much cola himself. It's nice, relaxing and they laugh a little, from the corner of his eyes he can see Junhoe watching them with a smile pretending he's still playing his game.   

He gestures for Yunhyeong to sit near him and it's like the older contemplates it for a long second before smiling and taking a sit next to the youngest of the groups. Yunhyeong fluffs his hair a little and Chanwoo whines but not really, they both smile.   

"Jinhwan, when was the last time you were in a relationship?" Jiwon asks through a mouthful of tonkatsu and Jinhwan almost chokes in his cola. Junhoe doesn't seem interest in the conversation so he keeps eating and playing his game. Donghyuk laughs, that easy laugh of his and it's like an indication that this is it, that's the night's topic.   

Jinhwan recovers fast and Donghyuk pats his head.  

"Come on hyung tell us" he encourages the older and Jinhwan nods before he opens his mouth to leave a sigh. "Okay."   

"I think it was before Mix&Match, or in the middle of it. She broke up with me, I was too distant, too anxious according to her, she didn't want to be a burden to my dream. We're still in good terms though." Jinhwan smiles a little and Chanwoo thinks that it should be a really good relationship for his hyung to smile even though they broke up, he's happy Jinhwan had someone so kind in his life.   

"Are you still in love with her?" He asks before he even thinks and everyone eyes him but not creeped out, Jinhwan smiles and it's a mixture of sadness and nostalgia.   

"Maybe... maybe I am. I'm not sure myself"   

"Was she your first love?" Chanwoo asks again and damn why is he so curious he doesn't know, maybe through Jinhwan's love story he can understand his own feelings better.   

"No, she wasn't. My first love was a girl in middle school, a year older, she was in the volleyball team, captain and damn she was good. We didn't date for long and it took me half my last year in middle school to get over the fact that she graduated and moved to a high school I wouldn't be able to attend. Jiyeon wasn't my first love, but she could easily be the last if I wasn't leading the idol life." There is no sadness in his voice, just sincerity and Chanwoo can't really understand why Jinhwan is so happy, or why he didn't fight if he loved her but thinks that's how it must feel when you're an adult, you must sacrifice some things. Even though, Chanwoo feels happy for his hyung, he doesn't know why.   

"But enough for me. How about you Jiwonie?" Jiwon is really so calm nothing like the blushing mess Jinhwan was before he calmed down. He sallows before he starts talking.   

"I had a girlfriend back in America. Jessica was her name, she had natural red hair and green eyes. Everyone made fun of her but I found her really beautiful. A year after I moved here we found that long distance relationships are hard. I don't think she was my first love or a real love at all but we were good together, we had fun. We still talk sometimes" Jiwon sounds so nonchalant about it, so different of the nostalgic tone Jinhwan had.   

"Hanbin hyung!" Yunhyeong starts and his eyes glim is something hard to read, his mischief tone makes even Junhoe leave his phone and pay complete attention to the conversation going on. "Are you reaaally the unbeatable single man?" Yunhyeong's grin couldn't be more obvious.   

Hanbin literally chokes on his chicken and Junhoe laughs with his misfortune.   

"Guys I can confirm for as long as I know Hanbin he never once had a girlfriend, not even near to one" Jiwon says and he laughs like it's the most funny thing in the world.   

"Jiwon is right, there was a girl I liked in first year of high school but once I gathered enough courage to tell her I saw her kissing another girl in the boys lockers, I think it gave me a trauma." Junhoe falls from his chair laughing, he has literal tears in his eyes and Hanbin sighs "I guess I really am the unbeatable single man."   
  

"How about you Yunhyeong?" Hanbin asks and it feels like revenge. Yunhyeong think a little but Junhoe cuts him off.   

"Boring. Let's make Iit a little more interesting." Everyone turns to look at him and Chanwoo doesn't know if he wants to thank him or hit him. He's curious but he's not sure he wants to hear for a potential love like Jinhwan's that Yunhyeong may had or have.   

In the next five seconds Chanwoo decided he want to hit Junhoe for an entirely different reason.   

"How about... Is there anyone you like?" Suddenly everyone seems so much more interested in this and Chanwoo just wants to disappear from the face of earth, what if he's too obvious about who he likes.   

Yunhyeong sighs but he answers anyway.   

"There is."   

"What are they like?" Junhoe really likes pushing people's limits but Yunhyeong doesn't seem to mind much.   

"They are kind, maybe a mood maker, I don't know, definitely my mood maker." Yunhyeong lets out a small breath "They are smart, and really hardworking. They are someone that cares a lot about others, they give a lot and laugh easily even when they feel down, someone who has everything they want figured out." Yunhyeon finishes and he sounds so sad and not sad at all at the same time.   

Chanwoo thinks hard, they could be anyone that Yunhyeong likes, but if he squint hard enough he may see their face clear as day in Yunhyeong's eyes. But he's afraid, so he doesn't. What he can't understand is how someone can't fall in love with Yunhyeong.   

"How about you Junhwe-ssi?" Yunhyeong's voice brings him out of his thoughts.   

Junhoe just shooks his head. "Noone" he says nonchalant and uninterest and it's so obvious he is lying because Chanwoo can see, he knows this longing stare so well but he doesn't speak. If Junhoe doesn't want to talk about it he has no right to push him.   

"Chanu-ssi?"   

He doesn't pay attention to who asked him. He makes up a lie really fast "Yes, a girl from my class. Nothing will happen though with this hectic schedule of us and me attending school every never." Yunhyeong pats him on the back and he really wants to shove his hand because Yunhyeong's touch burns him right now.   

"Donghyuk hyung?" He asks instead.   

"I think there is."   

"How are they?" He doesn't know why he is so pressed to make Donghyuk speak when he knows he doesn't lie like Junhoe did.   

"Kind i guess, smiley, someone who cares and take good care of others, someo-"  

"Please that's boring we're not in an interview here" Junhoe cuts him and Jinhwan gives him a pointy look.   

"Not everyone is so emotionally constipated like you are Junhwe-ssi, and some people actually do like this stuff" Jinhwan sounds almost angry and Junhoe scoffs.   

"Okay then, someone who's y when they dance, someone who takes care of me a lot, thick thighs but not really, legs that can be wrapped easily around my waste, a good cook with a bright smile." Junhoe seems satisfied with this answer and Chanwoo can only visual the most y girl he can think of and it really suits Donghyuk, he's sure he's red as tomato though.   

"Big s" Jiwon says and Jinhwan look almost disappointed at him.   

"What? Big s are nice, trust me I know." He nudges Hanbin with his elbow for help.   

"I wouldn't know, I can't be of help" Hanbin sighs and Jiwon really seems desperate at the time.   

It's not until he lays in his bed, tucked under the covers that he realises Yunhyeong didn't really use pronouces limited to women or men.   

Chanwoo is really going crazy trying to figure out Yunhyeong. He feels so confused. The older gave a description that would be anyone but it was not limited to a woman so can really be anyone Chanwoo knows. He loses his sleep at night trying to understand.   

Chanwoo bangs in the bathroom door, once, twice, seven times. He's been fifteen minutes outside waiting and he really needs to pee. Junhoe comes out moments later when he's ready to knock down the door and get some well deserved relief to his bladder.   

"Man, relax it's morning why so anxious"   

Chanwoo really wants to hit Junhoe but he's busy at the time.   

He's washing his face, applying some product Donghyuk gave him for the acne when it hits him. The description Yunhyeong gave can really fit anyone but not him. He's nothing like that, he's not a mood maker, he doesn't laugh easily, his mood swings are the worst.   

Yunhyeong stays with him after practice to help him out where he lacks and Chanwoo can pretend that the older wouldn't do this for someone else when he is this tired.   

Chanwoo still puts a little more food in Yunhyeong's plate this night.   

"Don’t try" Junhoe says as he plops himself down on the sofa next to Chanwoo, he only raises an eyebrow not taking his eyes of the television and Junhoe does the same as he continues.   

"He won't look at you that way. He's not gay" And the way Junhoe says the word "gay" strikes him so bad, he can't figure out what he means but he's sure he doesn't like it.   

"How do you know?" He asks, there's no point to deny anything they both know it.   

"Please, you're too obvious"  

"No, not this, that he's not gay"  

"I just know" is all Junhoe says and Chanwoo feels his temper rising.   

"You're in love with him too" is not a question but a fact and Chanwoo just voices it.   

"It doesn't matter." But it matters, for Chanwoo it matters and the bastard says is so coolly, like it's not big deal like Chanwoo hasn't seen him actually pining over Yunhyeong as long as he knows Junhoe. He wants to scream that is a big deal and he should at least fight for what he wants but that's not like Junhoe.   

Junhoe has dreams, he has his dreams and his place figured out. Yunhyeong has dreams too. Junhoe has spent too much time, too much pain and tears with Yunhyeong to be the reason for their dreams to collapse, to be the reason for anyone's dreams or hard work go to waste because of a crush, as strong as this crush may be. He has seen Yunhyeong at his best and his worst, he probably spent hours to console a crying Yunhyeong, an emotionally and physically tired Yunhyeong like noone else did. He probably hid his pain away to help Yunhyeong with his. He knew Yunhyeong years before Chanwoo, he probably loved every side of Yunhyeong and yet he let it be because there are more important things in the team. Junhoe is the most emotionally constipated person he has ever met yes, but he cares even deep down. Chanwoo realises even Junhoe fits Yunhyeong's description.   

It doesn't work, nothing he does work for Yunhyeong to notice him and he's sure he's getting crazy. The pats, the cheers, the attentive touches and yet Yunhyeong's eyes see through him. Chanwoo doesn't really know or maybe he does.   

He seeks Donghyuk desperately and he doesn’t know why. What could possible have Donghyuk that could help Chanwoo's situation. Probably nothing, but probably everything. He waits for him at a god forsaken hour when Donghyuk comes back from the dance studio.    

"You scared me." Donghyuk smiles and opens the fridge to get a water bottle.   

"Let's play twenty questions" Chanwoo says boldly without honorifics but Donghyuk doesn't seem to mind. "I start." Donghyuk just nods.   

"Who do you like?" Chanwoo doesn't cut any slack and gets to the point fast.   

Donghyuk sits down, too calm like he waited for this to come. "Someone I'm not allowed to."   

"Details"   

"Someone who is a good cook, someone passionate with music, someone with amazing vocals, someone who is the first to cry but also the first to cheer up others, someone who has y legs which I dreamed of having wrapped around me, someone who sees every detail, who knows when to point out something, someone who knows the right thing to say at the right moment. Someone who laughs at my lame math jokes."   

"Woman or Man?"   

"Isn't it obvious?" Donghyuk smiles and Chanwoo finds himself getting irritated.   

"Answer me"   

"Man" Chanwoo nods.   

"Are you gay?" Donghyuk raises an eyebrow at this.   

"Are you?" He shots back.   

Chanwoo shakes his head "I don't know." He says truthfully. Donghyuk understands.   

"I am." He answers easily and Chanwoo feels kind of envious.   

"It's okay though, it's a thin line you have to cross, having a crush on someone doesn't mean you're gay or straight. Attraction can be weird you can be the straightest person alive and then fall head over heels for someone of the same . Don't try to categorize yourself. You'll figure it out soon enough."   

Donghyuk's words speak of experience and Chanwoo can only move to the next question because he can't really find something appropriate to say.   

"Who do I like?" Chanwoo doesn't know what he's trying to accomplish with this twenty questions game, maybe something he already knows.   

"Someone you're not allowed to. Someone who takes care of you like a younger brother, someone who praises you, someone who's passionate about his singing and dancing, someone who comforts you a lot more than you did to him. Someone you think you know but there are a lot more than you think in him."  

Chanwoo never felt so irritated in his life, even though Donghyuk is right, they both know it, but still, the way the talks like he knows so much, like he's superior to Chanwoo, irritates him to no end.  

"Is he gay?"   

"No." It's firm and Chanwoo wants to cry.   

"Should I kiss him?"   

"Not my place."   

"Would you mind?"   

"Yes."   

"Would you fight me?"   

"No." 

"If I was the one he wrapped his legs around would you fight me then?" 

"No."   

"I would fight you." 

"I know, but I'm not you. If he by any means decided he wants you then so be it. I can't manipulate his emotions and I'm not going to."  

"You should fight for the things you want."  

"There is only so much you can fight when there are a lot of things in the line. Being an idol is not that simple, maybe in a another life I would fight but I can only let him choose what he wants in this one." 

"Do you love him?"  

"Yes."  

"Do I love him?"  

"No." It's so calm, so easily answered like Donghyuk truly knows the answer to the question, like Chanwoo's emotions are as easily read as the books he spends his nights reading, like the subjects he aced before giving up school to be an idol. Chanwoo feels offended, because Donghyuk knows nothing.  

"Why?"  

"I would never sacrifice everything we fought for only to have him giving me kisses at night when noone can see us and hold his hand in the ride back home. We tried too hard, left too many things to be here today, love is important but is not the only thing in our lives right now. You on the other side, you would throw half the things you fought for out of the window to have him beneath you if only for a night if given the chance. He's too easy to fall for, but it doesn't mean he's easy to love." Chanwoo feels helpless at Donghyuk's words because maybe Donghyuk knows everything.       

"What is your definition of love?"  

"Love comes to a lot of forms. There is brotherly love which Jinhwan has for Hanbin, he's always there for Hanbin, pushes him forth, a love of give and take equally, something that will push them both to the best of themselves. There is Junhoe's love, unconditional, always there in small gestures but never too obvious, a love you're willing to give up for something better. Yunhyeong's love, a constant pilar for everyone to regain power and move on, Junhoe knows best, there in every small or big gesture, from a pat to the head to late night conversations about nothing to ease someone's anxiety, a love of giving more than taking back." Donghyuk pauses for a moment.  

He takes a sip of his water and Chanwoo looks at his every movement.  

"A love that can be patient, not really showing but when it's needed, in a form of being stupid to cheer up someone. A love that can wait and accept everything, a love that wants but doesn't push the limits."  

"Your love" Chanwoo says as a matter of fact.  

"And something not quite as love but disguised as one, maybe closed to it. A love that wants more than gives, an auto destructive love in order to be fulfilled." He pauses and looks like he wants to say more but he doesn't. Instead he just stands and pats Chanwoo's head going to his room.  

"One last question" Chanwoo cuts him before opening his door. "What do you see in him?"  

"Someone who is confused but he loves with all he has, someone who works too hard to be let down by his own band members. Someone I'd give my heart to a silver plate if I was asked to."  

"What do I see in him?"  

"That's more than one question Chanwoo-ssi"  

"Just... Answer me."  

"An object of passion."  

"What do you see in me?" 

"Someone who is desperate to be loved." With that Donghyuk enters his room indicating the conversation is over.  

Chanwoo really wants to punch Donghyuk right in the face. If Junhoe irritated him so much Donghyuk triples the deal. It irritates him how they are only one year older but both of them speak like they know the meaning of life, like they lived years to have unlimited experience on matters he still lacks like any normal teenager.  

'What if I want you to fight me?" He mutters to himself. 

And he's getting angry at the thought. Why is everyone in this group so unwilling to fight for the one they love he can't understand, or maybe he can but he's not Junhoe, he's not Donghyuk or Jinhwan. He's Chanwoo, and Chanwoo is selfish, Chanwoo wants Yunhyeong all to himself. He wants Yunhyeong to only look at him. If he was Donghyun he would have punch the daylights out of himself. But Donghyuk is calm and collected, even more than Junhoe.  

Donghyuk knows what he wants and he knows if it's his place to take it or no. Donghyk speaks like he knows everything, every little detail about Jinhwan, about Yunhyeong, about Junhoe, about Chanwoo, characters written right out of the novels Donghyuk reads at night, memorised all too well, like Donghyuk is the author of their emotions, their quirks, their little habits.  

He feels like an open book ready for smartass Donghyuk to analise his theory parts like he did to the countless math books he read and ace through his school years, and solve all his complicated fractions and equations that seem difficult to a simple man but so easily solved by Donghyuk and he solves down everything part by part to show him exactly where he's wrong, in what parts he meets Yunhyeong and where his procedures are wrong and diverges from the right result. To point out the obvious, that he's a better match for Yunhyeong, like a perfectly divided fraction, while Chanwoo probably doesn't even belong to the same subject.  

Donghyuk is smart and Chanwoo never felt so envious of someone in his life, because Donghyuk fits Yunhyeong's description perfectly.  

But as he pointed already Chanwoo is selfish, and his love is demanding so he corners Yunhyeong another night when everyone is out before Yunhyeong can leave the dorm too.  

He doesn't really think when he pushes Yunhyeong to the closed door in their bathroom and kisses him, soft lips on chapped ones. But Yunhyeong doesn't kiss him back neither does he pushes him away and Chanwoo has so much rationality to not deepen the kiss, instead his backs out and looks at Yunhyeong, he doesn't need words, he doesn't know what he needed to prove in the first place when Donghyuk pretty much unfolded everything that exists between them.  

"I'm sorry"  

"It's okay"  

"No it's not"  

it's not okay at all and Chanwoo wants Yunhyeong to be mad at him. He doesn't want the comforting pat in his shoulder, or the words of "it really is okay though". He really wants Yunhyeong to scream at him and tell him he should be sorry, he should never come near him. 

"But you love him." He tries to trigger Yunhyeong but the older only gives him a small smile. 

He lets Yunhyeon in the bathroom and run to Junhoe's room and cries, he cries until Junhoe is back, he cries until Junhoe's patience runs out on him.  

"I told you not to." he says dryly and Chanwoo cries more as Junhoe pinches the bridge of his nose.  

"I don't even know why you're here in the first place"  

"It's because I'm actually sharing a room with Yunhyeong" Chanwoo calms down enough to say and Junhoe wants to kick him out because he did warn him, because 'why the are you that weak, I've been there too, still am but I don't cry my eyes out'.  

And as if Chanwoo heard his thoughts he answers "Because you're emotionally constipated" which is the last thread for Junhoe to kick him out of his room and lock this stupid door.  

"He's too easy to fall for, but the fall is hard and painful, but well I warned you." Junhoe mutters to himself as he lays to his bed taking out his phone.  

"New high score it is then." 

The next day nothing changes or the day after or the month after. Yunhyeong is still Yunhyeong with everyone even himself. And it's once he has calmed down that he sees it there clear as day, that Junhoe was right, Yunhyeong isn't gay, or straight or anything in between, for Yunhyeong the only one that exists is Donghyuk and Chanwoo realises that Yunhyeong was probably never attracted to anyone else than Donghyuk. And he sees it right there, that Donghyuk as knowledge and confidence as he has he's still unsure around Yunhyeong, but the love is clear, they don't need to hold hands under the table, or kiss at night, Yunhyeong doesn't wrap his legs around Donghyuk's waist and Donghyuk doesn't leave marks in full thighs even though it's obvious he wants it. And Chanwoo knows they'll eventually get there when Yunhyeong is ready, because Donghyuk loves patiently, but for now Yunhyeong's pat on Donghyuk's back and Donghyuk absendminded playing with Yunhyeong's hair is enough.  

Chanwoo also realises that the world doesn't stop because he got rejected, he realised that's how it must be when you have yourself, wants and needs figured out. But he still hasn't and he has a long way to go and for some reason Chanwoo isn't sad, rather he remembers Jinhwan's story and he feels like he accomplished something a little close to it which brings a small smile to his lips.  

"I think i will finally go on a date" Hanbin cuts him of his thoughts.  

"Even I, as emotionally constipated as I am, have more chances on a date than you" Junhoe answers and stuffs his face with some popcorn.  

They laugh, every single one of them, even Hanbin, and maybe yes Junhoe is right, Jinhwan is right, Donghyuk is right, this is more important than any crush.

im sorry for this word vomit orz