Taehyun finishes up the last of his beer and crumbles up the can in his hand. Everyone else is up at the beach house, everyone going crazy and dancing around to some dumb song. He can just see it: all of the others dancing around, Minho probably on the table without a shirt, Seungyoon head banging in a chair, Jinwoo spinning in circles and only stopping now and then to sip at his champagne bottle, and Seunghoon… Seunghoon he really doesn’t want to think about him at all. But even so, he can imagining him right up there by the stereo, making sure there is always a jam going, dancing a few steps every now and then while blowing out smoke from his cigarette.

That was how the five of them had always celebrated their New Years. Sometimes there had been girlfriends (or boyfriends) brought along, sometimes just the five of them. Ever since school they had gone to the East coast, rented a pension by the beach and had their very own celebration, just them.

As they got older, it had gotten harder and harder for them to meet up as often as they liked, and they didn’t quite talk as much as they used to. But then came the last days of December, and they were all preparing for this trip as it was a given they would all go and would all do what they used to. Same procedure as last year.

The only difference now was that last year, and the year before that, and the three years before that too, Taehyun had not been alone on the vast beach, and his hand wasn’t just holding onto a crumbled up beer can. No. For the last two years it had been Seunghoon standing there with him, smiling that silly smile of his, pulling him in for a kiss and muttering something dumb and cheesy in his ear. Just the thought of it had Taehyun smile softly at the brightening skies in the horizon. Seunghoon really had given him so much, hadn’t he? Despite what everyone else said and thought, they’d managed to pull through.

Until last year.

Until the misunderstanding, the fight that had unfolded right where he was standing now. So many harsh things had been said that morning, tears shed. Back then, Taehyun had been the one to leave first, the one to go as far as hailing down a taxi and going all the way back to Seoul just to get away from it all. What had they even argued about? Thinking back now, he couldn’t even remember clearly. It had no doubt been something dumb, something trivial that they ought to have fixed, but he had just left like a coward. Minho had once told him that’s what he always did when things got complicated, but of course… Taehyun had refused to acknowledge it. And he was aware! It was a weakness of his, but since all five of them seemed to know, shouldn’t Seunghoon have been the one to give in and come find him?

Last year they had left the party like he had now, had walked hand in hand down the sands and looked out on the water. Seunghoon had kissed him and… and then what? Taehyun sighs, arm moves as if to throw the beer can into the water, but he stops himself just in time. A certain someone’s voice whispering in his ear that he shouldn’t litter in the ocean.

God damn Lee Seunghoon and his constant nagging.

 

Taehyun’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he fumbles for it, blinks at the sudden incoming messages. Happy New Year they say. Happy? With a groan, he switches his phone into airplane mode and slips it back into his pocket. People can have their own happy new year, he’d be fine with just a “new year”.

The last message he had received had been from Jinwoo, a cascade of emoticons and hearts as always. Strange he wasn’t too drunk to even type up that yet. Chances were they were getting to that point already. Maybe if he stayed out there just a little bit longer everyone would be asleep by the time he went back up? Or drunk enough to let him pass them and go to his room without being pulled into something.

Everyone knew they had broken up last year. No doubt there. Taehyun could even perfectly well imagine Seungyoon take the lead to talk to his partners in crime, dumb and dumber (also known as Jinwoo and Minho) about how to act as if it was nothing and to make sure they didn’t meddle. Something that would work on them sober, but he didn’t trust them to shut up if drunk. Heaven only knew all the a drunk Song Minho could spew on a good day.

They had only broken up last year and still… Why did Seunghoon have to bring a date for today? Why did he have to bring a girl and act as if it was nothing? Ah Yeon was cute and everything, and Taehyun couldn’t help liking her bright smile and silly jokes. But at the same time he hated the fact that Seunghoon had brought someone to their place. This was where they had first held hands, kissed, become a couple. Everything had happened right here, and he still brought someone else just a year after that all ended?

Damn Lee Seunghoon!

With a little groan, Taehyun ends throwing the can into the sea before turning towards the pension again, wondering if he should go back up. Instead he quickly turns away again, a sudden tightness in his chest and a burning in his eyes as a result of what he has just seen; two people leaving the house, one without doubt Seunghoon, judging by the limp in his walk and the height. Who told him to hurt his foot before coming down here? Who asked Ah Yeon to help him and to walk him by the beach?
 

Taehyun stumbles forward, further away from the house, further away from the two who just left it. He doesn’t want to be found like this, hates even just the idea of having to come up with some excuse as to why he is wandering out here on his own. Not when that someone is here with a date and looks perfectly happy?

Stumbling even further, he eventually ends up slouching down in the sand. Sitting, even if the cold wetness from the sand stings through his jeans. It doesn’t matter. It just feels numb compared to the dull ache in his heart. Thanks to the cold, he can pretend that is the only reason he feels so miserable, can blame to cold wind on the tears burning in his eyes. Yes, it’s all the cold, only the cold that numbs his body and makes him shiver. This had nothing to do with Seunghoon being so painfully happy, nothing to do with how lonely he felt sitting alone on that cold beach to welcome the New Year alone. Really! He wishes him happiness, that’s all Taehyun ever wished him. But couldn’t he get some happiness too? A someone to share it with to make this cold dawn a little less lonely and a little warmer?

Even if that person couldn’t be Lee Seunghoon, he would feel much better if he could just find someone to ease the loneliness he felt and perhaps it would even help warm him up?
 

Closing his eyes, Taehyun rests his head in his hands and sighs. The cold is numbing, but perhaps that is why he feels it less? Just a nothingness remains, and an empty spot. Not like the summer the year before last. The summer the two of them had rented a car and come down here just the two of them. When they had lit fireworks, made a fire and slept on the sands just wrapped in blankets and each other.

Seunghoon had been so sweet then, bringing Taehyun’s favourite wine and served them in makgeolli bows because that was all they had found at the place they rented. It had been so silly (and lacking class) that they’d soon started laughing so hard their stomachs hurt and soon after Seunghoon had jumped to his feet and started yelling all sorts of love confessions. As sweet as it was, Taehyun had told him to pipe down, and the result had been his boyfriend writing the same things he had shouted at the sea in the sand. Big letters, spelling out words of love and affection, sweet enough for Taehyun to blush before he pulled Seunghoon out into the water with him.

It had been a good summer, a good last months to spend together. A time for them to get closer and further apart, all at the same time. Strange how things worked out like that.

Lifting his head, Taehyun slowly wipes his tearstained cheeks and looks out towards the sea again. Already a year had passed since their break-up, and still he didn’t know if he was really over it. He would act like he was fine, of course he would. No one would catch onto his act or pierce through his armour. That was not his style. But it took time to get to a place where it wasn’t just an armour anymore, but him actually being truthful to himself.

A lot had happened to the five of them over the years, but they still always came back here. So, he too would come back here, would smile to Seunghoon and the others and act like his usual self. Even if he was over everything or not, that was what and how he would do it. If he could manage this day on his own, in this place, then he could manage the future.

Just like he always did.

 

Because life went on. Even if you were hurt, if you lost some one, time would slowly heal the wounds. However badly it hurt in that moment, it would get better, and time was the only real medication to take. Taehyun would let himself hurt right now, and it would hurt as long as it needed to. What was the point of trying to escape the pain? It would go away eventually and he would feel better. Eventually.

It was a word Seunghoon had always hated, always got mad at. He would protest, saying that if you just worked hard, it would get better right away rather than “eventually”. “When even is this ‘eventually’ you always talk about?” he had asked once as he lay on his stomach in Taehyun’s bed while Taehyun was fixing his hair, ready to head out to work. The only answer he got then was “It is some time when it just feels right,” had been his answer, knowing it would do nothing to satisfy his partner.

Personally, he really liked the word. “Eventually”. “Finally, ultimately, at some time later.” Wasn’t that a nice word? It didn’t mean that something might happen in the future, it meant that it definitively would happen, just not right now. When everything was ready for it, that’s when it would happen. What more reason did anyone ever need? If you knew things would get better in time, then hanging on for a little longer became easier. That was what Taehyun told himself every time he picked up the phone in an attempt to call Seunghoon. They hadn’t worked out, and it hurt like . But if he just struggled on a little longer, things really would get better.

Life went on.

 

And it really did go on.

Taehyun had been too deep in his own mind to realize the company. A sudden shadow thrown on him as colours in all hues of red, orange and yellow started to paint the horizon.

“What are you doing out here on your own? You didn’t even reply to the messages?”

The words are warm and welcomed. Taehyun looks up, squinting a bit in the growing light as he waits for the face of the newcomer to get sharper. He hadn’t expected this. But the company is welcomed, even more so because suddenly it feels warmer and less hopeless. He is not alone anymore. And the New Year has started off with something new. Nobody knows where it will take him, but he will find it out eventually.

Eventually.

“What are you doing here? You looked busy?”

“Figured I’d go out for some fresh air. That sitting here with you might be a good start to the new year.”

The person by his side might not be the same as it had been the year before, and however sad that was, at least now he wasn’t alone. Nor was he arguing or sitting in a taxi headed back to Seoul with a broken heart.