Gwangsoo hadn’t slept for a week. He was tired and he was grouchy and no one seemed to know how to handle him. He himself didn’t know how to handle him.

He was quiet most of the time, lost in his thoughts, only giving short snappy answers when spoken to with a permanent scowl etched to his face. He didn’t answer calls from friends or family, he didn’t watch TV or read, he barely even remembered to eat and shower. He just sat wherever he happened to find himself and thought about everything and nothing, but mostly wondering about Jongkook though.

All of it had forced his manager to cancel a few events due to his behavior. He told everyone Gwangsoo was feeling unwell and might be on his way to come down with a fever so he shouldn’t exert himself too much.

For once in his life, Gwangsoo didn’t care. About his fans and friends, which had always been what was most important to him.

The one thing he did care about was what the hell was going on with him and that it was all Jongkook’s fault.

He’d been scared the first two days after Jihyo had made him think about his actions. And the more he had thought about them, the angrier he had gotten, because, no, things didn’t work like that! They shouldn’t work like that! What he was feeling couldn’t really be love since he had never once had any interest in other men. He didn’t think it was wrong to like the same gender, but Gwangsoo himself wasn’t like that. He never had been. No matter how much he could appreciate the looks of another man.

And now he was furious because Kim Jongkook had dared make him doubt himself.

Which was why he was determined to give his Hyung a piece of his mind as he sat in the car on his way to today’s Running Man set. His manager gave him worried glances as he sat trembling, but he couldn’t figure out if it was because of nerves or angry energy.

He was the last one to arrive. The rest of the cast were visible through the glass of the entrance in the building they would film today’s episode. They were standing around, chatting with today’s guests while the crew set up cameras and microphones.

Gwangsoo slammed the car door behind him, his manager giving him an admonishing look. He ignored it as he approached the building, stopping only just as he entered to get his microphone.

As the sound tech manager fiddled with the wires behind him, he let his eyes sweep over the members in an attempt to find Jongkook. He couldn’t see the older, though, so he guessed he was hiding behind the group of people made up by Jaesuk, Gary, Jihyo, Haha, and two of the guests.

When he was free to go, he didn’t greet the members like he used to. Instead, he stepped around them, still on his quest to confront Jongkook. Jaesuk and Jihyo gave him weird looks as he walked right past them only to stop in his tracks once he spotted Jongkook.

And then all the colors of emotion and sounds of thoughts went haywire.

Gwangsoo hadn’t been prepared. He hadn’t been prepared at all. While thoughts of Jongkook might have made him angry, the sight of him, living, breathing, moving, was another thing entirely. All of the fear and shock came smacking right back into him, along with a ton of hurt.

Jongkook was laughing, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his head thrown back, shoulders shaking. Gwangsoo’s heart clenched at the sight and he just wanted to hug the other man as warmth seeped through the anger and made his heart swell.

But then the hurt set in, because Jongkook wasn’t alone.

There was a woman beside him. Gwangsoo couldn’t make out who it was as his eyes blurred over, but the hand on Jongkook’s arm, the closeness of their bodies, and the carefree mirth in Jongkook’s eyes tied thorny wires tightly around his lungs and he couldn’t breathe.

Someone grabbed his arm and he turned to see Jihyo. She was saying something with a worried expression, but he couldn’t make out what. Her fingers around his arm tightened and he finally managed to focus on the world around him again.

“Gwangsoo, what are you doing?” Jihyo murmured and glanced back at the scene of Jongkook and the woman. “What is happening?”

“Uh,” Gwangsoo croaked and cleared his throat. “I-I just remembered about a dog from when I was little and how I watched it get run over.”

Jihyo raised her eyebrows in disbelief at his blatant lie, but seemed to realize Gwangsoo didn’t want to talk at the moment.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” he mumbled and Jihyo let go of his arm.

He could feel her eyes on his back as he approached the PD in charge, and he tried to walk as straight-backed and confident as he could, even as everything inside him crumbled like it had last week.

“Could I be excused for a moment?” he asked shakily when he was in front of the crew, trying his damndest not to simply start bawling in front of the entire staff.

The PD looked him up and down in contemplation before he nodded with a ‘be quick’. Gwangsoo started making his way towards the elevators; about to escape to a floor he knew they wouldn’t be filming on (if the list he had taken a peek at by the PD’s chair were anything to go by). When his VJ started following him, however, he stopped.

“I wanted to be excused,” he murmured.

“We’re going to start filming soon,” his VJ said.

Gwangsoo pinched the bridge of his nose with a tired sigh, frowning in irritation.

“I know. Just give me five minutes.”

“But-”

“I JUST NEED THE FRICKING TOILET AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET ON MY LAST NERVE!” he exploded, his voice echoing in the large hall and shocking his VJ and just about everyone else. They all turned to stare at him, but he glared at the VJ, too scared to meet anyone’s eyes. He didn’t usually get this angry – well, never really – but they were seriously pushing it. “WHAT’S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?! SERIOUSLY!”

He turned and stomped away, leaving the others to gape at his back. He was thankful that the unevenness in his voice and the shaking in his body would be attributed to his anger instead of him looking like he was about to burst into uncontrollable sobbing any moment.

He made it to the men’s room on the fifth floor without any incident. He stood outside it for a moment, thinking before deciding he needed more privacy and went in search for the fire escape. It didn’t take long for him to find it and he climbed another three stairs, before settling down on the top step, leaning against the cold wall with a heavy sigh.

Then everything shattered.

The tears he had kept on bay spilled over, the trembling in his body grew into violent shaking, and his breath came out in small, gasping sobs behind the hand he put to his mouth to keep quiet. His emotions were all over the place and he was feeling so lost he was afraid he would never find himself again.

It hurt. God, it hurt.

All because Jongkook had confessed. Because he had made Gwangsoo think and wonder and doubt. Because he had been nice and friendly to their guest when he claimed he loved Gwangsoo.

He didn’t know how long he sat sobbing and shaking, but after a while he managed to calm down enough to pull out his phone and find Joongki’s name in his contact list, pressing the call button. He needed someone to hear him. Someone to make sense of the things he couldn’t.

“Gwangsoo?” his friend answered on the second ring, sounding a little alarmed. “Aren’t you supposed to be filming?”

“Joongki,” he said, trying not to sound like he had been crying and failing miserably as a small sniffle escaped him.

“Are you crying?” Joongki asked in worried astonishment. “What happened?”

“I… I… don’t know…” he whispered and a fresh set of tears rolled down his cheeks. “I really don’t. I just know that it hurts.”

“What hurts?” Now his friend sounded genuinely worried.

“Just…” he breathed out shakily. “I’m so stupid… and selfish… and now I don’t know…”

“Gwangsoo, will you please speak in a way that I can understand?”

“It’s Jongkook-Hyung,” he sniffled, dragging the back of his hand underneath his nose.

“Oh…” Joongki said quietly. “Did he do something to you? Is that why you’re crying?”

“No!” Gwangsoo almost shouted. “I was angry but he was nice… he is nice… god… he was standing there talking to our guest and I just… something snapped and now I’m here…”

His friend fell into contemplative silence for a moment before laughing incredulously.

“It’s not funny!” Gwangsoo hissed, the previous anger returning. Although it wasn’t nearly as strong, it was enough to finally stop him from crying. “Why are you laughing at me?!” he demanded when the other didn’t stop.

“Gwangsoo-yah, remember when you told me about Hyung’s confession a while back?” Joongki snorted.

“Yeah…?” he said slowly, not seeing where this was going.

“And remember how you told me you would make an effort for him? Because he was one of your best friends and you trusted him?”

“Yes?”

“Well… let me put it this way,” Joongki said, clearly amused. “If I had been the one to confess to you, would you have considered it in the same way?”

“Wha-?”

“Think about it,” his friend said. “If I told you I loved you and wanted to be more than just friends, what would you have done?”

Gwangsoo frowned at the wall in front of him.

Well, he wasn’t gay so he probably would have told Joongki that he was flattered but couldn’t see him like that. He would be supportive of his choice in preference, however, and they definitely would stay friends.

Which is what he told him.

Joongki laughed again and Gwangsoo still couldn’t see what was so funny.

“So then why didn’t you say that to Jongkook-Hyung?” his friend asked. “Why were you so willing to give him a chance while you wouldn’t think of it with me and probably any other guy?”

“Well… I just…” his voice died out.

Why hadn’t he?

That was a really good question. Was it because he thought Jongkook couldn’t handle being rejected? No, he knew the other was stronger than that. Was it because he didn’t want to hurt his feelings? Well, Jongkook would have understood. He did when Gwangsoo rejected him after that entire fiasco. The other had never even expected anything else than a rejection.

It hit him then.

It was because he hadn’t wanted to lose him. Not just as a friend, but in any other way he possibly could.

Gwangsoo realized he would do practically anything to keep Jongkook close, from the very beginning.

At that moment Gwangsoo came to realize he had always unknowingly been drawn to Jongkook. He had always felt the need to be protected by the other and protect him in return, to give him back what he received and to make sure he was happy. To be close and warm and his.

This wasn’t just some spur of the moment crush, neither was it something Gwangsoo’s imagination had conjured up because of Jongkook’s confession. It had simply always been there. Sleeping, like a seed during winter. Jongkook’s confession had just thawed the ice and nurtured it so it could bloom into this beautiful but terrifying thing called love.

“Do you understand now?” Joongki asked into the silence that had fallen.

“I-I,” he stammered. “Y-yes, I think I-I do.”

Joongki hummed.

Gwangsoo’s head and chest felt light, like they had been tethered to the ground with heavy chains that suddenly had been unlocked and removed, enabling him to soar high and free.

“Oh my god,” Gwangsoo gasped. “I do. I do get it!”

His friend laughed lightly.

“Really?” he teased.

“Yes!” Gwangsoo couldn’t help the astonished laugh that left him. “I’m in love with Jongkook-Hyung! I… I love him…”

“I’m happy for you,” Joongki chuckled. “Now, are you gonna man up and tell him?”

Gwangsoo’s breath caught in his throat as he thought about the woman again.

“I don’t know,” he breathed. “What if he’s moved on? I did reject him.”

“You tell me, Gwangsoo,” Joongki sighed. “You know him best. Do you think he’s that fickle?”

Not for a second.

“No,” Gwangsoo mumbled.

“Then tell him!”

“Gwangsoo?”

Gwangsoo’s heart jumped and he turned to see Jaesuk make his way up the stairs.

“Who are you talking to? Recording started an hour ago and your VJ is going crazy looking for you. The PD is annoyed too, since we have to film the intro later.”

“Uh…” Gwangsoo said dumbly. He had completely forgotten about filming. “I-uh…”

“I guess you need to go back to filming,” Joongki caught on. “Tell everyone I said hi.”

He hung up, leaving Gwangsoo to stare mutely at Jaesuk who raised his eyebrows at him.

“What is happening with you today?” he asked. “You’ve been tense and irritated since you arrived. Is there some sort of personal problems we should know about? Do you need to leave?”

Gwangsoo swallowed and bit his lip, but couldn’t find anything to say.

“Hyung, your VJ’s not here either,” he realized.

Jaesuk glanced over his shoulder as if to make sure the statement was true before shrugging.

“Yeah, I shook him off to come see you,” he explained nonchalantly and sat down beside Gwangsoo. “I figured this wasn’t something you would want everyone to know about. I’m glad I did, since it’s pretty clear you’ve been crying a lot.”

“Oh…”

Silence fell between them as Jaesuk waited for him to speak and Gwangsoo tried to find the right words.

“Hyung, do you think it’s possible to fall in love with someone you only ever saw as a friend?” Gwangsoo mumbled, after a moment of gathering his courage while rubbing the tear marks on his cheeks.

Jaesuk shifted in surprise.

“Is that what this is about?” he asked in relief. “You’re just in love?”

Gwangsoo shot him a scowl and the older man laughed.

“The way you were acting I thought the world was about to end!”

“You’re not helping, Hyung.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jaesuk chuckled. “So, what happened? You got rejected?”

“I was the one who rejected them,” Gwangsoo muttered sullenly and the other’s eyes widened. “I only saw them as a friend and thought I still did, but after they confessed I started looking at them differently. And somehow I just only realized I love them.”

Jaesuk stared at him for a moment in astonishment before breaking into roaring laughter, almost falling down the stairs. If Gwangsoo didn’t like the other as much as he did he probably would have pushed him to increase the chances.

“Why is everyone laughing?! Both you and Joongki! It’s not funny, Hyung!” he complained. “I have no idea what to do now!”

“Just tell her,” Jaesuk said simply, like it was the easiest thing in the world. “If she’s crazy enough to confess her love-”

“Ah,” Gwangsoo cleared his throat, unable to look the other in the face.

“What?” the older asked confusedly.

“I forgot to mention one little detail,” he mumbled.

“Oh?”

Gwangsoo started chewing on his bottom lip. He had no idea what Jaesuk’s opinion on these things was. No one ever spoke much about it – in seriousness – as a whole, so it never really did come up in conversations. He was a little worried about the reaction, but the older was one of the most accepting people he knew and Gwangsoo wasn’t much for lying. Outside of his Running Man character, that is.

“Uh, well… Hyung please don’t hate me,” he pleaded nervously. “I really can’t do anything about it!”

Jaesuk frowned, but there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. “You didn’t kidnap her or something, did you?”

“What?!” he asked horrified. “No! Why would you even say that?!”

The other shrugged, a playful smile on his lips.

“Anyway, continue.”

“Yeah, so…” Gwangsoo cleared his throat again. “T-the person I think I might be i-in love with is – uh… a-a man…” he almost whispered the last part, making Jaesuk lean forward to catch the words.

The other stared at him again – but this time ponderingly, making Gwangsoo immensely relieved that at least it wasn’t hate or disgust – before muttering:

“Kim Jongkook.”

Gwangsoo’s eyes widened.

“How’d you know?!”

“I had a feeling,” Jaesuk said. “Also, the way you two have been acting kind of made it say itself.” His face smoothed out in a soft smile then and Gwangsoo chewed on his lip nervously again. “He’s a good man.”

Gwangsoo blinked at him.

“You don’t hate me?”

“Well,” Jaesuk shrugged. “I won’t say I thought it was normal at first when I noticed, but then I thought ‘does that change who you are?’ and realized that, no, you would always be who you are… just a little more in love and maybe even happier. I still wasn’t sure it was Jongkook though, but you just cleared that up.”

Gwangsoo stared at him; unable to completely understand he was being encouraged by the older. Jaesuk grinned at him.

“You two kind of suit each other,” he chuckled.

Gwangsoo wrinkled his nose and shoved him in the shoulder. Jaesuk laughed louder and stood up.

“Let’s get back to our VJs,” he said and pulled the younger up. “And then you should speak to Jongkook.”

Gwangsoo’s face grew a little warm at the mention of Jongkook, but he nodded, a shy smile on his lips. It didn’t hurt anymore. It was just warm and soft.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I think I should.”