2012.12.24

Christmas Eve,

 He left me.

It was rather a gloomy day; grey clouds filled the sky above Han river. Namjoon is sitting there thinking, getting lost to his own thoughts. He loves Nara –a lot. He knows it more than anyone else. But, this is not working. This is not what he wants. This is not what it’s supposed to be. There’s nothing he could do about it. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how many time he spend to think; it’s just not working. It’s a dead end.

The first snow of this cold winter falls prettily. Namjoon looks up and his eyes follow one snowflake, taking its way to the ground. He sometimes wonders how it’s like to be a snowflake. It must be great. You got down from the sky, stay on the ground and then you evaporate to go back to the sky; as simple as that. Namjoon wants to be a snowflake for once; just to escape from his complicated, cruel life.

He just finished practicing with other members. It’s 4 PM. He got barely half an hour to rest. He supposed to be debuting in 6 months or so. And, it’s getting hectic. He even forgot that it’s Christmas Eve. He lost count of days and time. All of the preparation, the sleepless night, a tiring day; the practice building is basically his second home –well, it’s basically his home as he rarely go back to the dorm. Making rap, lyrics, also music. There’s even no time to breathe.

He once thought of letting it all go. It’s hurting him but he loves this work. He loves this way of expressing his passion towards music. But life is cruel as he thought before; when you getting grip of one of many things that you love, you will also lose one of it. He prepared all of the things he wanted to say, he make sure that he’s ready. But as soon as he sees her from afar, walking closer, poof… his mind is a blank space now.

“Namjoon-ah,” her voice trembles a little bit. She’s out of breath. She is Nara, Moon Nara; Namjoon’s girlfriend. They’ve been together for almost one year now. She manages to catch her breath before talking.

“I’m sorry, I’m late. The bus came later than I expected.” She smiled as she sat down beside Namjoon. Namjoon scanned her face. Two beautiful big brown eyes, tall nose, and tiny red lips that shivers because of the heavy winter cold today. Her long curly hair covered with snowflakes. He just stares at her for a while. Just one year ago he fell head over heels for this girl.

Namjoon can’t control his expression. Without saying anything in exchange, he moved his gaze onto an empty space right in front of them. Nara’s smile slowly fades. She senses something; Namjoon is acting odd today. He’s usually very talkative whenever they have time to spend together.

“Joon-ah? Is there something wrong? Are you cold? Here, take one of my hot packs.” She puts off one of the hot packs inside her jacket and hand it to Namjoon.

“No, I’m alright.” He finally spoke.

“I just think we need to talk.” He can’t believe he actually can say that out loud. Nara froze upon hearing his words. Being a confused little deer, she asked right away

“Talk? About what? Are you going to the practice room again? It’s okay, just go. We can reschedule our date. Hmm, maybe on the New Year’s Eve? But I think you will be very busy…” she lost at her own thoughts. This little naïve human being still can’t grasp what is going on right now. Namjoon’s heart aches. How can he do this?

“Nara, I need a break…” there, he said it. There’s an awkward silence between them. Her confused stare pierce right into Namjoon’s eyes. She can’t believe what she just heard.

“What? I- I…. I don’t get it?” she stuttered out of shock. She thought she will finally have a little time to spend with her boy but she’s hearing this instead.

Nara’s feeling was right. They are growing apart from each other. She felt that it’s getting worst around this time. Their relationship is on stake. They barely see each other for these past weeks. Namjoon spend more of his time practicing, practicing, and more practicing. There was no phone call every noon, any goodnight texts and sweet words to accompany Nara to sleep; nothing. They basically just meet each other every week, which become two weeks, three weeks, and then 1 month.

Nara even cancelled her part time job for the day because she was excited to see Namjoon after a month. She’s excited to know what he’s up to, how he is doing; she misses his warm embrace and sweet kisses. She even misses his scent; soft man cologne mixed with clean laundry. She didn’t even know that his face becomes a lot thinner now. She missed everything about Namjoon.

“Joon-ah, I miss you… What do you mean you need a break?”

“It’s… Kind of complicated to explain. But it’s not your fault Nara-ya, it’s me.” Namjoon faced Nara and try to get her attention. She looks very sad –almost crying. Namjoon remained silent. They just sat there for a while now. Nara tries to organize her thought also calming herself down but she can’t. It’s getting dark and snowfalls even heavier than before.

“Why Namjoon?” she started asking.

“I thought we can go through this together? I thought you love me because I love you so much. We also made a promise to stay by each other no matter what, right?” she trembles so hard; making Namjoon grew a sad frown on his already stoned face.

“You need a break? What about me then?” she continues to question everything.

“You want to quit, Namjoon? So this whole time was nothing? Am I a joke to you? Answer me KIM NAMJOON!” she raised her voice as she let out her anger onto the man. Nara cries her little heart out. She’s in much pain, letting out everything that she kept deep inside. She sacrifices everything just to be with Namjoon. But now, he decided to end everything?

Namjoon remained silent. There are actually a lot of things going through his head right now. Half of his heart wanted to just screw everything and hug her girl and calm her down but half of him said that he need to finish this. Not giving any answer, he makes Nara speaks again.

“I don’t know what went wrong. I believe our love was true. But I can’t read your mind. I know nothing. Please, Namjoon… At least tell me what’s wrong so we can work things out together.” She looks straight onto Namjoon’s eyes as crystal tears run down through her cheeks.

But then, Nara decided to calm herself down and accept what Namjoon said. Maybe it’s the right decision. Maybe it’s the best for them. She tried to smile and let him go. But, her heart had torn into thousand pieces. It was a cold night but it feels like burning inside of their hearts. Namjoon still remained silent.

“So… Goodbye, then?” her statement sounded more like question. Nara hopes that Namjoon will take back what he said and then say that he was just joking, that he missed her so much, and then they will go as they are before. Namjoon finally speak,

“I’m sorry Nara-ya, I need to let you go. I love you, goodbye.” He opens his jacket and put it on to Nara’s trembling body. And went ahead, without even looking back.

He left. He actually left.

Now, I’m all alone again…