Lavender was her favorite kind of flowers. She didn't liked them at first, she told me the second time I bought them to her doorstep, but I picked it out specially for her and she has seen Lavenders in a whole different way since then. And now these Lavenders sat at the back of my car as I pulled up on her doorstep again. It somehow felt just like old time where she would be ready in her apartment and I would bring these Lavenders up and we would begin our little adventure somewhere. That was what it felt like. But, it wasn't like that this time. I stood in front of the doorstep and looked at the list of names and apartment numbers. I didn't have to read through every single one of them to find hers. Everything about her was already at the back of my mind. Her favorite colour, that freckles at the back of her neck, the movie that made her cry six times and all the other little things. It was like they've always been a part of me. I have fair skin and brown eyes and I will always have her on my mind. I thought the easiest part would be ringing the doorbell but it was all a lie I told myself on the way here. It was ing hard. My whole body felt like they couldn't move a single muscle in front of the list. Like the list was doing something to them. But it wasn't the list, it was her. It was the thought of seeing her again made all my muscles stiffed up. It was the thought of looking into her eyes and not see her looking back the way I do. It was the thought of seeing her finally moved on. 

And then I rang it. 

" Hello? " Her soft, honeyed voice came immediately through the buzzer. I felt slightly relaxed when I heard her voice. I actually wanted to say the few hundred things I've been going on in my mind on the way here.

But I couldn't. I couldn't speak and get the words out of me. " Who's this? " She sounded so strange and distant suddenly. It's me, It's me, It's me. I screamed in my head, but none came out of my mouth. I took a deep breathe and looked up, only to see her curtains flickered as she disappeared. She saw me. 

. I walked back to the car and got the Lavenders from the backseat. They weren't arranged in a bouquet. Heck, they weren't even arranged at all. I just picked it out from the vase and put down a few dollars at the cashier. I regret for doing so now. 

By the time I was in front of her door, I felt it. I felt what love lost was like. I remembered my friend asking me how did losing someone you love feels like and I couldn't tell him. Because I didn't know. I didn't know how it felt like to lose someone you've fallen so deep for. But now I do, standing in front of her door when I know she doesn't want to see me, now I do. 

I knocked on the door and waited what felt like forever. It was like that time when I wanted to surprise her on her birthday but she was showering so I stood outside wearing a costume and a cake with lighted candles on my hand. When she opened the door after a while, she didn't smile like that day on her birthday. She didn't even smile. 

" You look good, tae. " She said without even looking at me since I walked through the front door. Her apartment looked the same and smelled exactly like her. No matter how much perfume she put on, she would always smell like her apartment. I've told her that a thousand times but she would never believe me. 

" You too. " That was all I could manage. But deep down my heart, she didn't just look good. She was beautiful. She was always so heartbreakingly beautiful in so many ways, like how all my songs were written. She was my inspiration, my muse and now she's not mine.

We sat in another silence again and she still refused to look at me. I try to catch her gaze when she looked somewhere else but her eyes were just avoiding mine. Oh god, nam taehyun, please say something. You didn't come all the way to screw up.

" The hair's still stupid though. " She said but the silence came back not long after. The silence reminded me of that time we were all snuggled up in a human knot on the couch and it was so queit that I could only hear her heartbeat. My hair was already stupid then but I didn't mind because she would laugh at them. Oh, I loved that laugh. How long has it been since I last heard it? I have gotten so used to the silence that it felt normal. That her laughs don't fill my ears anymore.

She was looking at the table when I stared blankly into her face again. And so much memories came to me at once. We were seventeen, on the back of my car, kissing softly for the first time. It was Valentine's day and I had to work but ended up going drinking with a few producers, when I came home being all drunk, she was angry and crying. We held each other until we fell asleep that night. Tuesday's night would be my day off from schedules and I would be playing her favorite piece on the piano and she would be in one of my t-shirts. I also remembered that huge fight we got into two years back and I smashed my fist against her wall for the first time. We didn't talked to each other for weeks. 

I thought I was going to lose it when my throat managed to croak out, " Can I use the bathroom? " She looked surprised for a moment but her eyes didn't meet mine. 

I didn't wait for her to say yes when I got up from my seat and walked straight to the bathroom next to her small kitchen. Closing the door behind me, I felt like I could finally breathe again. It wasn't like me to get panic attacks so easily but the feeling of being in the same room as her was too overwhelming. Why are you running away, Nam Taehyun? I heard my own voice screaming at me in my head. It has been screaming questions ever since I walked in throught her front door. Was this a mistake? Coming back here, seeing her, What am I actually looking for? Did I do all these to make myself feel better? The Lavenders? No. No. No. It's not like that. 

Then do something, you coward.

I think we all have a switch inside of us. It's like you needed something to activate this switch so you can finally wake up to reality. To face your fears. To achieve your dreams. Like all the circuits in your brain have been disconnected this whole time and somehow, everything just got put back together.  

She was facing the windows with her arm-crossed by the time I stepped into the living room again. Her slender figure and boney body structures made me realize how thin and small she was. She must've heard my footsteps because she turned around quickly, covering her frustrated face behind the sleeves of her sweater. That was how I know that she was crying. 

And so, I did one of the bravest things I've ever done in my life. All these while I've been so scared to reach out to her again, so scared of rejection and ignorance. My hand reached out to grab her arm when she flinched it away. " Why are you here, taehyun? " She murmured.

I didn't know what to say or answer her. I didn't even know the answer myself. 

" Why? " She yelled this time and there were streams of tears falling down her cheeks. For each tear that fell, there was a stab in my heart. How terrible do I have to be to be able to cause these tears? 

" Scream at me! Ask me why I left you! " She screamed louder this time until her cries fully took over her voice. " Say something, please. " She managed to say it between sobs. I didn't realize how close we were until she grasped tightly onto my sleeve. 

My hands reached out to grab her face and she didn't resist this time. They were huge compared to her face with my fingers softly wiping those pitiful tears under her eyes away. And that was the moment she've finally looked at me. Our gaze strongly holding on to each other. Oh ... her eyes, her eyes were brilliant hazel. Even if they were soaked, they were filled with warmth, live and spark in them. They reminded me of so many great things that have ever happened to this planet. One of them including her. 

" You are as beautiful as the day I lost you. " I couldn't hold it in anymore as tears threathening to blurr my visions when my lips pressed softly against her forehead.

We stood there longer than I thought, just holding on each other like it was the end of the world and we were to choose to run or stay and die. I never thought I would have her in my arms again. Even if this was the end of the world, it was all worth it. 

She inhaled sharply when I pulled her closer to me, her body warm against mine. And I felt it, this strong and bright spark between us I felt when we met for the first time. It has never left. We just got apart- 

Then unexpectedly, she pushed herself up against me and placed her lips onto mine. It was soft and wonderful and the warmth of her lips spreaded throughout my body. The kiss obliterated every thought of mine. For the first time in the past few months, all of my worries have evaporated. I wanted more and more of her lips and every part of her. I need and crave her.

And then it became sloppy and wet and we were just trying to get more of each other. Strands of her hair were locked between my fingers as we swirled around in circles, devouring each other's lips. 

I didn't know which one hurt me more. My elbow that accidentally hit the photo frame that stood on her fireplace or realizing the man who was wrapping his arms around her in the photo. 

We pulled away immediately as she must've noticed what I saw and quickly picked the photo up from the pile of broken glass. 

" How long has it been? " I asked, my lips still taste of hers.

The look on her face was like a punch in the stomach. I felt physical pain. " Weeks after we broke up. " I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be true. Not her, please. 

" Hold on. " She pleaded but I didn't even want to look at her anymore. 

" Hold on? " I screamed and felt myself slowly sinking onto the floor. My legs couldn't even hold me up. She got down on the floor next to me and mumbled softly, " I wanted to tell you. I really did. "

It didn't make sense. None of it made any sense to me then. This wasn't the girl I knew, she would never hurt me like this. She would never so much as look at another guy. My girl was strong and beautiful and steady. I didn't know who this person next to me was.

" I'm sorry. " She said after a while and started sobbing again. " I needed you. I needed you so much. But you were never here or anywhere. When I was with you, I couldn't stop but I couldn't keep going. You had your schedules and your alone time, writing songs for your band. And there was me. And I don't fit in anywhere in your world. " 

" But we were happy. "

" We were. " 

And then it hit me. That was how lovers know that they were in love. They see the same blue. And I coulnd't convince her that the blue she sees is the blue I see. That was why she moved on. 

We must've sat there for a long time because my legs were starting to feel numb. Every part of me felt numb. 

" Thank you. " I finally said. " Thank you for being there when I didn't want to be alone. Thank you for showing me who I could be and stopping me from my bad habits, like smoking. Thank you for all our biggest and littliest moments. You are truly a beautiful special soul, you know? " 

She looked as if she was going to cry again. 

" And I thank you for being the strength of pillar of my life. I couldn't have been this far without your love and affection. "

" No- "

I cut her off immediately. I needed to finish what I started, I needed to do this before I lose it. " Can you just promise me one thing? " 

She had covered behind her sleeves again as those tears damped the soft fabric. " Yes. " 

" If he was the one, promise me you'll never throw it all away. That you'll find real happiness and joy this time. Those that I couldn't give you. "

She then buried her face in my shoulder while I whispered softly into her hair. " You stupid girl. "

When I left her apartment later, I felt more relieved with the result I got than what I expected when I walked in. Yes, I couldn't get back what we lost. What we had, we lost it long ago. But we couldn't have continued either way. It was me who needed her to feel better about my miserable life. 

And I got into the car and searched for that cigaratte box hidden somewhere that haven't been touched for a very long time. I think I'm starting to get bad again.