It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single male frogfish in possession of a good spawning ability must be in want of a mate. Or so my mother says. But when I was into a FishHarmony® singles meet (courtesy of my overbearing mother) things did not go as planned.

“Come on Carol, learn to swim a little.”  Who would have thought that I would run into Derek of all fish here. Derek from accounting. Derek the hottie. Derek the new fish every one of the girls was bubbling about, even Joan from the mailroom. (And Joan never leaves the mailroom.) I tried to calm my wild hairs. I didn’t want to seem like that much of a mess in front of Derek the Maverick.

Wait, did he just say my name? He knows my name! And yup, my name is Carol, twist on Coral. Aren’t my parents kind to me? Thinking that Carol would be appropriate for a frogfish girl.

Okay, focus! What did he say again? Oh right, swim a little, loosen up. I tried to show my nonchalance. Hard to get Carol! Not hard to understand! Don’t go fishing for compliments, play it cool.

“I can’t. I’m too boring to enjoy this party and just freely swim. Boring as a boring sponge. Didn’t you know, I was born to walk on the ocean floor, not swim above it.” I cringed inside, what was that? Am I trying to get him to think I’m a total loser?

“Well, I guess you didn’t know that you could swim with those fins of yours too.” He winked. Which took me by surprise since we fish don't have eyelids.

What was Derek talking about, I was an ocean floor fish, the standing type, not the swim around a crowded coral reef party all night type. I was more used to lying still for 90% of the day, day after day, just watching the happenings of my small environment.

I glanced around the party and saw gorgeous fish all around me in their swimming elegantly in shimmering whites and blood oranges. Then I looked down at my own stocky body; I was the hairiest frogfish in the whole coral reef. Who would ever like me?  I was a total loser. Maybe it was because no one could notice me since I camouflage into my surroundings.

Besides it would never work. He was a warty frogfish, glowing white and orange, the life of the party. I, on the other hand, was a striated frogfish, virtually wart free and instead covered with hair like spines.

I think Derek noticed how I was frowning to myself; his face slowly approached mine. I could see the patches around his downturned mouth with such detail. The muscle that pumped the blood through my closed circulatory system beated with excitement. Was this what I thought it was?  Was he actually going to spawn with me?  Or was I overreacting?

“Are you Swedish? Because you’re the sweetish fish in the sea.”

I bubbled with laughter. “Derek that was horrible!  How could I be like those Swedish girls, I’m so fat!”

He laughed. “Sorry, now I feel gill-ty”

I swam in circles laughing. We frogfish can’t resist a gill joke. But I don’t think he was talking about any old gills. I think he was talking about the gill opening we have near our tail bases for jet propulsion. The things we only show off if we’re really into someone.

I’ve dreamed of the day a guy would nudge my egg filled body up to the surface so we could spawn. Who would have thought that Carol, the hidden in the background striated frogfish would find a mate. My thin brain sent shivers down my spine located down my dorsal side just at the thought.

But wait. Maybe it was still too early. Was I really ready for this commitment with a fish I had officially met just today?  I was still a young frogfish, I would have at least a couple more years until the tragic yet inevitable end of my life. My gills went into overdrive. I was hyperventilating. No. No no no! I wasn’t ready. I had so much ahead of my life. I even had plans to move into a new coral reef apartment, a total change from the shabby sponge flat I resided in now. I wanted to open a fish flakery while becoming editor-in-chief at Fishmopolitan.

Derek nudged closer and grabbed my modified fins that work as legs. “It doesn't matter if you’re fat because I’m all about that bass.”

“Look, I’m sorry Derek. I can’t do this. I can’t spawn with you. It’s not me, it’s you.”

Derek looked dejected. I was sorry to disappoint him, but I just wasn’t ready. But I couldn’t just flat out push him out of my life now. That would be too cruel.

Suddenly a flash of light stunned my eyes. I could feel the photographic strobes affecting my ability to change the pattern of my skin to suit my surroundings.

A human girl with long, crazy curly hair like mine was underwater giggling with a (better in every way) girl who hated going on field trips.

“Those human party crashers are messing with my skin. Why don’t we go somewhere else to grab a bite to eat. My treat.”  I wanted to try to console him for the last time. I had gotten him so excited and then I let him down. Note to self: learn to reject guys nicely.

Derek slowly nodded and walked ahead of me. He swam sluggishly, obviously sad. Maybe I had been too harsh, after all it’s only spawning. Fish do it all the time! And we’re both pisces! Mother would be thrilled!

I was about to reconsider when Derek turned towards one of the snobby, know-it-all, my-daddy’s-rich-how-about-your’s warty frogfish, Gretchen. Did he think I was stupid, that I couldn’t hear?

“Hey beautiful! Are you Swedish? Because you’re the sweetish fish in the sea!”

Are you kidding me. That's it! My plans flew out the incurrent pore. It was time.

I approached him from behind, and in a lightning quick movement, opened my jaws to over twice my body size and swallowed Derek whole. It didn’t matter that he was a frogfish like me. Cannibalism is fairly normal among us anyways, he should have had it coming.

I could feel him trying to escape my mouth, but I clamped my jaws tight. He thrashed about, but to no avail. Soon my stomach would be releasing acid to digest him whole. Call me cold-blooded for eating the only fish to like me, I don’t care; it’s true.

I was unable to spawn with Derek, so I did the next best thing: I ate him. Now he was a part of me so we (not him and that fish Gretchen) could be together - forever.