If anyone was actually worried about me losing my ‘animation’, I probably put them in their place that night.  I was in the best mood I’ve been in in recent memory.  Of course, everything that was carrying my mood was a mere speculation but it was nice to feel this light again. 

Sunny attributed my sudden mood swings to bipolar disorder when she caught me grinning like a fool at the ceiling later as she was getting ready for bed. 

“Weirdo.” She called me before turning off the light.

My smile didn’t even falter and I hardly felt tired.  I played over the days events in my head repeatedly very glad I had all this time to process everything.

She was totally flirting with you, Taeyeon.

I knew this was blatantly true because in our teen years, I saw her do it with boys.  I’ve seen the subtle changes that occur when someone she has a crush on is around.  It didn’t even stop when the girls came home either; it just became more subtle and related to facial expressions.  

She really has a gift when it came to speaking with her eyes.

I couldn’t help thinking what might have happened if they girls hadn’t come home…

I became aware that I could actually hear my heart thumping faster.  

I remember specifically singing a song about this feeling in the past but never truly feeling it for myself.  You could put me up on a stage in an uncomfortable outfit, heels that feel more like stilts and a heavy wig on live television to sing and dance and I would feel more confident than I felt being alone in a room with Tiffany.  It was a sacrifice I paid for the life I live now.  I have no experience with relationships and courtship whatsoever and I’m probably socially underdeveloped because of it.   For the first time in years, I felt like a normal person to be thinking about this before bed, rather than dance routines or scripts. 

I rolled onto my side, my eyes still wide open with excitement. 

Sunny’s body was rising and falling rhythmically, obviously she was already asleep.  A symptom of this new ‘condition’ I had was feeling was a strange openness I never had before.  I usually kept my feelings to myself but right now I just felt like I needed to talk about this or I’d end up screaming.  I controlled myself in the end though, realizing it was already 1 AM and I would have to be up in just a few hours to practice.  It would be unfair to make Sunny have to be exhausted with me tomorrow.

But still, my eyes wouldn’t close. A cyclone was churning in my stomach. 

I stared out the window into the dark night sky and my thoughts went once more to Tiffany’s face.

Her wide affectionate eyes...

Her tall perfect figure and heart breaking smile...

Those perfect pouty... kissable lips.  

Taeyeon... You want to kiss a female.

I let my neck fall backwards and grinned wider.  I wondered what it would feel like... 

Then, suddenly, I had the urge to laugh at myself.   Did I really just refer to falling in love as a ‘condition’?  Then I was amazed at how scattered my thought process was.

You’re not sick, you fool, but you sure are a naïve kid. 

Falling in love.

It makes sense.  The meaning of that phrase comes to me.  It wouldn’t be called ‘falling’ if you had control of it.

My face breaks into a full blown smile and I cover it in my hands.  I can feel myself turning red and I’m beside myself because I know I’m lying here blushing at my own thoughts.  How awkward…

I sighed heavily and freed my face from my hands before I noticed my cell phone was lit up on the small table next to my bed. 

“Tae?” It reads.  My mouth drops open.

Is she trying to kill me?

My heart rate escalated to a whole new level now.  I glanced at the clock that read 1:30 and wrote back quickly.

“Fany?  Are you okay?”

I rolled onto my back staring in disbelief at my phone.  She was three rooms away and texting me at one thirty in the morning unable to sleep.  The implications of this kind of behavior... 

“I’m fine.  I just can’t sleep.  I didn’t wake you did I? TT”

“No.  I was awake too.  We’ve got to be up in like 4 hours you should get some rest. ^^” I answered.

I leaned my head to the side against my pillow and waited for her to respond.  A million thoughts were running through my mind.  My phone dimmed in front of my face and I wondered to myself what would happen if nobody else was home and she wouldn’t have to text me…

Would she just come into my room if she couldn’t sleep?

My eyes closed as I ran that fantastic scenario through my head with great enjoyment.

“Unnie...” 

Someone pushed my shoulder and my eyes popped open.

Unintentionally, I startled Seohyun who was standing beside my bed.  Usually, I was a little more difficult to wake up.

I found my cell phone lying on my stomach.  The sun was shining brightly through my window. 

Oh no.

I sat bolt upright and fumbled for my phone.

“I fell asleep..” I said.

Seohyun stared at me incredulously.  I must have looked stupid. 

“I’m up.” I said, looking up at her.  “Thank you.”

She nodded and left, still looking unsure about my behavior. I waited for her to close the door before I looked at my phone. Two missed messages.

“I know I should, I just really wanted to thank you for being so honest with me today.  You made feel so much better.  REALLY, you don’t even know…”

“Tae?”

I winced and hit my fist against my head.  Why did I have to fall asleep?

“I’m so sorry, I fell asleep.“  I typed back, knowing it would avoid controversy to text this rather than risk telling her and having others overhear.

Shaking my head I threw my phone aside and ran a hand through my hair thinking about the day ahead and how busy it would be but I had been anticipating this for a long time.  I was just happy to get off my and be working again.

I’m not going to lie, it was a very tough day.  We haven’t had a full 10 hour practice day in a long time.  We already knew the dance and there were just a few small changes to the stage version compared to the MV version we already knew. 

It was kind of awkward though…

I tried my hardest to concentrate but I probably made more mistakes during this practice than any other one we’ve ever had.  So many times I looked up into the mirror only to catch Tiffany staring at me, though it was more often that she would be the one catching me staring at her.  Throughout most of the choreography we were right next to one another. 

The storm in my stomach grew stronger and I knew, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself yet, that I couldn’t carry this on for much longer, especially throughout these promotions.

I needed a clear head.  I needed to get this off my chest... 

I sat in the corner of the practice room planning my attack during our break.  I needed to find a way to get her alone tonight but my mind drew a blank.  While the others were resting, she alone was in the middle of the room dancing. I rested my chin on top of my water bottle and watched her longingly. 

She always struggled the most with dancing but she has come a long way.  The Boys choreography wasn’t the most difficult we’ve done, but it was more about standing out individually, drawing eyes.  She's very good at this.  I found myself in aw of her body as she moved.

Someone pushed me and I found Sunny sitting by me.  She looked toward Tiffany, and back towards me questioningly.

“Two days ago you were upset, last night you were happy beyond belief but I don’t know what today’s expression is.  What is going through your head, Taeyeon?” She asked.

I decided to take the offensive.

“Are you stalking me?” I asked with a smirk.

She wasn’t deterred.

“You’re hiding something.”

“It’s none of your-“

“business.” She finished for me. “I don’t care.”

Sunny could be pretty fierce when she wanted to be.

I sized her up, it was only a few days ago I’d considered telling her anyway.  Last night I almost woke her up to tell her.  Having someone to talk to about this would be so relieving…

“It stays between us…?” I asked, taking her hand.

“Yes.” Sunny nodded.

I looked at her bleakly and threw caution to the wind.

“I think I’m in love.”

She remained expressionless, though frozen in place.  She tilted her head.

“That’s it? You’re looking at me like you’ve got six months to live because you’re in love?”

I bit my lip to keep from laughing and nodded.  She was right. I was taking this a little seriously.

“You’re so cute!” She laughed.

“Shh...” I said looking up.  Tiffany glanced at us after Sunny’s outburst.

“So…” She looked back up towards Tiffany and I could tell she was trying very hard to control her face. “When are you going to tell her?”

The smile faded from my face, as well as most of its color.  I shook my head.

“Oh come on…” Sunny chided me, “I’m your roommate.  You don’t think I pick up on things?  When in the last few weeks have you had time to meet any guys?  Did you think I thought you were texting Danny Henney until two this morning?”

I was speechless.

“I’m happy for you.” She said.  “We were wondering when you’d come around.”

“We?” I whispered.

She sat up straighter, “Just a few of us have been observing and waiting.”

“Do you guys have a study group too?  This is ridiculous.  This is my life, not a weekly drama for your entertainment.” I said angrily.

She took my wrist.

“It’s not like that, Unnie, and it’s our life, too.  We know what would happen if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other; it would effect us all, but we trust your judgment and we really just want to see you happy.”

It took a while to register in my mind exactly what words just came out of .

“…if it ever gets out that two of SNSD’s members are in love with each other…”

Mind. Blown.

“Taeyeon?” Sunny pushed me again.

“What?”  I shook my head.

“Are you going to answer me?”

“Eh?”

“When are you going to tell her?”

Did Sunny not realize what she had just let slip?  Better to keep it to myself.

“I’m not sure how.” I looked back up at Tiffany who was still dancing.

She’s in love with me, too?

Sunny bit her lip.

“You can’t expect me to keep this to myself.”

I looked at Sunny severely.

“Please? Just Sica!” She grabbed my arm. “And… maybe Yuri? Please!?”

I thought about what else she said to me.  About trusting me to protect them despite the consequences if I happen to mess up…  About just wanting us to be happy…  This, also, touched me very much.  After four years we truly were a family after all.

“I trust you won’t make a spectacle of things?  And you won’t tell Tiffany?” I asked.

Sunny nodded, “Promise!”

“And if anyone you tell makes a mess of things, you take full responsibility…”

“Yep!”

I grumbled.  “I’m trusting you.”

“Don’t keep her waiting, Unnie, tell her soon…” Sunny said, beaming as she stood.

I stood also. “Yes, okay.” I said.

I called everyone to the center of the room as our break was over.  We needed to start actually practice singing and dancing at the same time and I had a particularly difficult note in this song to perfect.  As we were discussing this, I looked up to find Sunny hugging Tiffany tightly from behind staring at me with a triumphant smile.  Once again I realized I’d have zero concentration for the rest of the night after these revelations.

But I managed.

With a sore throat and tired feet, we made our way home.  As we were exiting the elevator, Sunny stopped me.  A hand landed on each of my shoulders and without the others noticing the doors closed on us again.  I turned around to find her and Jessica standing behind me, grinning.

“Aigoo! Can’t we talk about this another time? I’m exhausted.” I whimpered.

“We’re going to do you a favor, Taeyeon-ah!” Sunny said. Jessica nodded.

“Please don’t do me any favors.  Please…” I brought my hands together and begged for my dear life.

“Trust us!” She pulled on my arm.

I pushed the button to take us back to our floor.

“Just go into our room and wait, Taeyeonie.  That’s all you have to do.”

“Oh! And push the beds together!” Sica says.  Sunny starts laughing.

I stood there defeated as the doors opened and they walked ahead. 

Jessica looked over her shoulder to me and winked before going into the dorm.