cras amet qui nunquam amavit; quique amavit, cras amet

May he love tomorrow who has never loved before;

And may he who was loved, love tomorrow as well.

 

-

 

Mark and Jaebum are a couple.

 

Mark and Jackson are in a relationship.

 

It’s complicated.

 

-

 

Jaebum asked out Mark in the ninth grade and they were best friends. Mark said yes and then they were boyfriends.

 

That was simple.

 

Mark met Jackson.

 

That was complicated.

 

-

 

Mark met Jackson in the tenth grade, one year into his relationship with Jaebum. They had math and history together and Jackson liked to sit next to him. Sometimes Jackson would nudge him or talk to him until it was time for class to end but Mark took no notice. He didn’t know Jackson.

 

(And yet suddenly he did.)

 

Jackson began walking him to class, they started to hang out after school, and sometimes Mark would even turn down Jaebum to go play video games at Jackson’s house. Mark didn’t know how it happened, but it was like Jackson appeared and he never left. He became Mark’s right hand side. He became Mark’s permanent.

 

(Jaebum was slowly slowly…)

 

-

 

Jaebum changed schools in the middle of tenth grade year but Mark promised that they were still together even if he felt like it was just routine.

 

(Even if he felt like he had to say that)

 

Mark started to see Jackson more and more and Jaebum less and less.

 

-

 

Mark went to Jackson’s house one day after school. He doesn’t remember how they got there, legs tangled between Jackson’s sheets and tongues sliding together between their swollen lips.

Mark wasn’t cheating, he was just chasing this feeling Jackson gave him.

 

He wasn’t cheating because he wanted to know what that feeling was.

 

Why Jackson made him feel that way.

 

He didn’t understand yet.

 

-

 

Jackson knows about Jaebum but Jaebum doesn’t know anything about Jackson. (“It’s not cheating,” Jackson had said. “Because you don’t love Jaebum,” It was a stupid reason but Jackson was right.)

 

He didn’t love Jaebum.

 

But did he love Jackson?

-

 

Mark starts to feel bad when he goes to see Jaebum on the weekends.

 

Jaebum is so happy and so eager to see him.

 

Mark doesn’t know how to answer when he asks him if Mark misses Jaebum because sometimes he forgets.

 

Sometimes he forgets that he has Jaebum.

 

All he knows is Jackson Jackson Jackson.

 

Jaebum is somehow lost between the sheets of Jackson’s bed when Mark is breathing hard under Jackson’s arms, and their tongues and hands know no boundaries.

-

 

Mark and Jackson have for the first time when it’s the beginning of their junior year, whereas before it was just hot make out sessions on Jackson’s couch or heated groping on Mark’s twin bed that still had the Star Wars sheets that he wanted when he was eleven.

 

It was Mark and Jackson’s first time.

 

Mark never had with Jaebum.

 

His boyfriend.

 

But he had with Jackson.

 

His…

 

His what?

 

What is Jackson to Mark?

-

 

Mark goes to watch a movie with Jackson when the leaves start to turn red and orange, and Jackson takes his favorite blue scarf and wraps it around Mark’s neck and up to his nose.

 

They go to see The Fault In Our Stars.

 

Mark cries but he will never tell Jackson.

 

(Jackson knows)

 

Mark cries because he is afraid to lose.

 

(He doesn’t know what he’s losing yet.)

 

-

 

When Mark goes over to Jackson’s that night, they don’t have .

 

(They make love)

 

Mark doesn’t think he knows what love is yet.

 

Jackson knows what it’s like to love.

 

He’s not afraid.

Mark’s not sure what he’s afraid of.

 

-

 

Jackson takes Mark to the top of a hill.

 

Together they look at the stars.

 

-

 

(“My mom used to come here with me,” Jackson said.

 Mark nodded. “She told me to take the person I trust the most with my heart up here,”)

 

Mark tries to stop his heart from beating in his chest so hard.

 

(“She told me to take that person up here when I’m ready,”

 “She told me to take the person I love the most up here because she wants to meet them too,”

 Jackson points at the brightest star, blinking in the distance. “That’s her, waving from heaven,”)

 

I’m ready.

 

I love you.

 

Mark knows what love is when he sees Jackson walking away from him with sad eyes and a worn smile.

 

Marks knows what love is but he can’t say it.

 

Jackson is in love with someone who is broken, who can’t talk.

 

Jackson is in love with someone who cannot love.

 

Jackson is in love with Mark.

 

(Mark cannot be fixed)

 

(Mark cannot love)

 

(Mark is broken)

 

-

 

Mark does not see Jackson on Monday, waiting in front of his house, patiently like a puppy.

 

Mark does not see Jackson by his side as they walk to school.

 

Mark sees Jackson across the room next to a girl named Youngji, in their first class together.

 

Mark sees Jackson’s hand drop on her shoulder and Mark bites his lip, drawing blood.

 

(Mark sees but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say)

 

-

 

Jaebum asks if Mark is okay.

 

Mark tells him no, he is not okay.

 

-

 

Mark breaks up with Jaebum

 

(Mark is not in love with Jaebum)

 

-

 

Jackson does not talk to Mark for two weeks.

 

Mark does not say anything.

 

-

 

Mark is so lonely but he doesn’t say anything.

 

(He is nothing without Jackson)

 

Mark wants to be something without Jackson.

 

Mark wants to be Mark before he can be Jackson’s Mark.

 

-

 

Mark cries himself to sleep for two weeks.

 

He is too broken to be fixed.

 

(Jackson was supposed to fix Mark)

 

(Jackson doesn’t have anymore duct tape)

 

-

 

Mark goes up to the hill on the third week.

 

Mark sees Jackson with Youngji.

 

Pink lips meet the lips that Mark have found comfort in countless times.

 

Jackson doesn’t love Mark anymore.

 

(That was their hill.)

 

-

 

Mark cries.

 

-

 

Mark goes to school and is surprised to see Jackson sitting in the seat next to his.

 

(“Miss me?” Jackson smirks.)

 

Mark doesn’t answer.

 

Instead he smiles.

 

Yes.

 

-

 

When Jackson sits next to Mark at lunch, Mark wonders why.

 

(“I can’t sit next to my boyfriend?” Jackson answers incredulously)

 

The one who should be incredulous should me Mark.

 

Mark gets angry.

 

Jackson can’t just come back like this.

 

Does Jackson know what he put Mark through?

 

Mark slaps Jackson.

 

you.

 

-

 

Mark feels bad because he realizes that Jackson didn’t deserve that.

 

He deserved much more than Mark.

 

-

 

(“I don’t want more than you Mark,”)

 

What about Youngji?

 

(“I can’t do this without you,”)

 

You kissed her.

 

(“Mark, please say something,”)

 

“You’re mine,”

 

-

 

“You kissed Youngji,”

 

“No. I kissed you,”

 

-

 

“What about Youngji?”

 

“What about Youngji?”

 

-

 

I love you.

 

“I love you too,”

 

-

 

wtf is this. forgive me.

 

nothing is ing solved except mark and jackson lololololol

sorry bummie.