nothing but lonely hearts
-haebaragi

When after all the confetti fell on the ground and oceans of blue and pink have
been put to sleep, Taeyeon rushes to the backtage, hoping to share her victory
with him, just like how it was in 2009.

She hurries, bright eyes in search of a figure, happiness etched on her face.

And then her eyes dim and happiness escapes when she finds him with someone else.

Because her boyfriend was celebrating with his wife.

(Virtual wife, she corrects.)

(And ex-boyfriend.)

She could be jealous, but she reminds herself not to be because one, they are over
and two, it’s going to end anyway, just like what she told him (but it was really a
message to convince herself). But then again, there is no controlling the way her
heart hurts like her ribs were piercing it, or the way her whole being shatters
when memories of them flash in front of her whenever she sees him with someone else.

Whenever she is reminded that it should have been her—still her—if he weren’t
stubborn and she didn’t give up and they weren’t Taeyeon and Leeteuk of Girls’ Generation
and Super Junior (just Kim Taengoo and Park Jungsoo).

But they were. She is Taeyeon and he is Leeteuk, and like any other forbidden lovers
in their industry, they chose to break up. CHOSE, because they weren’t forced only that,
there weren’t enough options to choose from (would there?).

At times Taeyeon could not help but ask Jessica how she managed to put everything
behind her when Donghae passes by.

Doesn’t it hurt?

She envies her, because Jessica doesn’t seem to crack to tiny pieces like she does,
or need to mask her ‘brokenness’ with a wide smile on her face and a warm, Chukahae, Oppa
when they meet in the corridors.

(But) You’ll get used to it, somehow.

It was Jessica who catches the sound of her breaking. They stay in a concealed place,
apart from the noise and music of the after party; the azure starlit sky above them,
and they shed all their feelings in a mixture of tears and second chances.

“I shook his hand,” Jessica melts her ice queen persona, turning back to the Sooyeon
that misses her bada.

She looks at Jessica and for once she hears the unspoken words before she said she’ll
get used to it.

It hurts so bad.

(But you’ll get used to it, somehow).

Taeyeon sees him again the next day and she slowly falls apart like always. She reminds
herself of Jessica and the way her eyes wished HaeSica weren’t only a thing of her past.

She knows better than repeating regrets.

“Jungsoo…”

“I still love you.”

Leeteuk smiles at her (again) the way he used to, and Taeyeon knows it might be
hard to bring back how they were, but all things start from small, right? Like, maybe
a handshake.

“I always do.” He tells her.

They ride on separate planes back to Korea, but have never been so close like this.