Sung DeokSeon couldn’t sleep that night. Her head full of thoughts and unanswered questions. She stared at her room ceiling, confused about the whole situation that arose from their get together earlier at the restaurant. She feels empty and numb. There was a big hole in her heart, making her feel more frustrated. She couldn’t take it anymore, she needed some air to clear her mind. She abruptly tossed her blanket and sat up, startling her sleeping sister. Bora hissed, “Yah, keep quiet. I’m sleeping,”. She whispered back, “Unni, just sleep. I’ll go out for a bit,”.

Grabbing her coat and wallet, she tiptoed outside. She carefully closed the door and climbing up the stairs. She stopped in front of the Kim’s family front door. The light in JungHwan’s room still on, seemed she wasn’t the only person having trouble sleeping that night.

She opened the blue gate and surprised to find someone sat on the stair in front of the gate. The person looked up to her. He put out his cigarette and slowly stand up. Making himself stood at the same eye level with her. Two eyes met. Both contains sadness, confusion, and questions.

DeokSeon tighten her coat and hugged herself. This winter felt so cold, maybe because there was a big hole inside her heart. She gave a small smile to the person in front of her, breaking their unintended staring contest. “What are you doing here, JungHwan-ah?”

He slowly raised his cigarette, “Can’t sleep. Need some smokes. You?”

Why, why does your voice sounds so weak, Jung Hwan-ah? 

She felt a pang in her heart, recognizing that maybe he also suffering. “Me too, I can’t sleep. Can I sit with you?” She finally step out of the gate and sit beside him.

He froze. Many thoughts running inside his head. The rational and emotional side of him were having a war.

This is your opportunity, idiot. 

No. She is Taek’s, for sake. 

They are not dating. 

Not yet. 

Then you should take your chance and make the most of it! 

I already confessed! 

You mean your joke confession?

Forget it, she likes Taek anyway.

He grabbed the gate handle, “I’m going in.”

Deok Seon knew he only wanted to avoid her. Not wanting to let him do that, she hissed and grabbed his hand, “Yah, Kim Jung Hwan! Sit down now when I ask nicely!”

He sighed and sit beside her. Making sure there is some distance between them. Both man and woman sit in front of their house’s gate, no words spoken for a while. Both lost in their own thought, not realizing their hands still entertwined.

Trying to break the unfamiliar tense atmosphere, Deok Seon spoke, “Ah, today’s night sky is so pretty.”

He wanted to reply, You are prettier. But he only nodded in response.

“Is Dong Ryong okay? I saw him getting piggybacked home by you. I’m sorry for going home first and not joining you all for round two,”. Honestly, she couldn’t handle her feeling after their get together earlier. Too much happened in such short time. She needed to organized her feeling and she couldn’t do that while she was surrounded with the subject of her confusion and their friends, so she feigned stomachache.

“He’s okay. That bastard slept the entire way home while I drove. How’s your stomachache?" 

She shrugged, "I’m okay, nothing serious.”

Silence once again engulfed them.

She fidgeted a bit, feeling nervous but comfortable at the same time. She glanced at the cigarette ash on the floor. “Since when do you smokes? I thought only Taek smokes.”

Jung Hwan felt a pang of jealousy. Of course she knew Taek smokes. “Since highschool, actually. I only smokes occasionally.”

Again, there was silence between them.

Deok Seon grimaced at the silence. This is too awkward. What to do?

“Taek confessed to me,” she muttered. “Last time, he suddenly came to Lee SeungHwan’s concert.” She glanced at Jung Hwan, "He confessed to me on our way home.”

Jung Hwan’s heart sank. “Oh, chukhae,” He smiled weakly.

She frowned. “I’m not dating him,” she said, hoping he would take the hint.

Her words gave him a new hope. But he said nothing. 

Deok Seon’s heart beated so hard. It made her dizzy. The silence between them makes her stuffy. Never in her life she feel more frustrated than now. So many questions she wants to ask Jung Hwan. But why she can’t think of anything now? Gathering her courage, she called his name. But he beated her.

“Jung…”

“DeokSeon-ah…”

“DeokSeon-ah…” He called her name again. Softer. He smiled, her name rolled off his tongue nicely. Softly, he cupped her face. Just like that time, when they were walking home from McDonald’s. She hadn’t had a clue back then. He prayed silently that Deok Seon could understand the meaning of his action now. He won’t waste more time.

Deok Seon’s big eyes tears up a bit, feeling a sense of dejavu. Her memories went back to that night, where she accused Jung Hwan being nice to her because he was her manito. A small tear escaped her eyes. Jung Hwan-ah, I’m sorry I was an idiot back then.

Jung Hwan wiped her tears and stared at her eyes, only to see regret and longing in her eyes. He could see it, because it mirrored his everytime he saw Deok Seon. Realization dawned on him.

He hugged her. the back of her head several times. Trying to comfort the woman whose tears now wetting his shoulder. Sobbing uncontrollably is the love of his life. The only woman who can shook the heart of the almighty Kim Jung Hwan. His first love that he almost lost foolishly.

“Jung Hwan-ah.. I- I- sorry,” she’s still sobbing. All the questions seems to be answered now, and she couldn’t handle the feeling. She stammered, “If-if-if only I kn-know earlier….”

Hugging her tighter, he whispered, “I should be the one saying sorry. I was an idiot. No, I still am,” Releasing the hug, he cupped her face again, “I will be the most stupid person in Korea. No, in the whole world. If I can’t confess properly to my first love,”

“Sung Deok Seon, I know it only a few hours ago I confessed to you. But I did it in a coward way. I’m gonna tell you again about my feeling. Sincerely.

"I love you. Ever since I realize what love is, I know I love you. I feel happy around you, and I pick fight with you so I could see your pretty face everyday. I’m not lying when I say my only concern was you. Even now when we are miles apart, I can’t help but to worry about you.

"I saw Taek come to Lee Seung Hwan’s concert. I went there, too. Hoping I could accompany you because I know your date was cancelled. But I was too late. And I thought it was my last chance to show you my feeling. So I decided to fold my feeling. I know you like Taek too, and I don’t want to lose you both.” He let out a long breath. Finally he managed to get them out of his heart. The words he wanted to say from six years ago.

Deok Seon smacked his chest and start crying again, “You idiot. Do you know how hurt I was when I thought you gave the pink shirt to Jung Bong Oppa? Do you know I woke up really early just so we could go to school together? I was really happy when you agreed to come to the Lee Moon Sae’s concert. And all these time I thought I only love you one sidedly. You finally confessed but it turned out only a joke, I can’t take it anymore.” She couldn’t help but feeling angry at him. If only they could speak about their feelings earlier, they wouldn’t waste six years.

Hearing her confession, Junghwan couldn’t be any happier. His heart is beating fast, there were fireworks in his head. He inched closer. His lips is only milimeters to hers. Smile never escaped from his lips when finally their lips met. Deok Seon closed her eyes. He opened his mouth a bit, asking permission to go deeper. And she let him, letting her man shows her his raw feeling, clutching his front shirt to keep her steady. She could taste the sweetness in his lips, and the tobacco’s smoky taste. He poured all of his miserable and desperate feeling of years longing for her into his kiss. Letting her know how much he loves her, as he explored . He pulled her hips closer to him. Deok Seon swayed a bit, overwhelmed by his boldness.

She finally broke the kiss, panting. “Slowly, we have all the time now.”

He chuckled, “That’s right, But I have to go back to Sacheon soon, pabo-ya..”

“How soon?” she asked, totally forgetting they live in a different city.

He hugged her and whispered, “My bus leaves at 7 am. It’s late. Sleep now. I promise I call you often.”

Dissapointed, she asked, “How often is often?”

He grinned. She looked so cute being clingy like that. He decided to a little. He tucked her hair behind her ear, refusing to answer her question, “I don’t know you get your ear pierced.”

“Yah, Kim JungHwan!”

He raised both his hands, as Deok Seon fist smacked his shoulder. “Okay, okay. I’ll try to call you every night. Satisfied?”

“Page me whenever you get your break time. Call me at least once a day. Don’t forget to wear warm clothes. Don’t skip your meal time. And please come home every weekend, will you?” She tries hard to hold back her tears, “I’m a very demanding girlfriend, you know?”

Girlfriend. He pecked her lips, feeling giddy about their new status as boyfriend and girlfriend. “Alright, I will.” He grabbed her hand and walked in, “Now, sleep. I have to get ready for my morning bus to Sacheon, anyway.”

Deok Seon frowned, “Can’t you stay a bit longer?” .

They have reached her doorstep. How he wished he could buy more time to be with her, but duty calls. He cursed himself silently, only now regretting his choice of occupation. “Go sleep, I call you as soon as I could, okay?” Deok Seon nodded. She opened her front door. Feeling reluctant to separate with her new lover. She entered her home and gave him a small wave before tiptoe-ing to her room.

She snuggled into her blanket, touching her lips to remember the taste of her first kiss with Jung Hwan. Who would’ve thought the stoic and grumpy boy she grew up with was such a good kisser? She giggled under her blanket, replaying their talk and kiss inside her head until sleep overtook her.