The ride home seemed longer than normal.

                Yunho was still wearing flashy stage clothes. He just wanted to rip them off his body. Never had he hated his stage persona more. When he dressed clothes like that he was lying. When he went up to the stage with a smile on his face he was lying. When he said ‘everything is okay’ to the audience, with a chuckle, he was not only lying: he was hurting.

                The extravagant clothes that made all his body itch were a huge reminder of how things had changed. He hated them. He wanted to strip out of them and forget the U-know Yunho he was supposed to be. He wanted to soak in his pain. Quietly, slowly and alone.

                It was his own fault he was still wearing his costume though. He begged his manager to take him home right away and didn’t even take the time to change to his own clothes. The truth was: as much as those clothes made him hurt, the bright lights, the crowded places, the scripted lines in the shows, the automatic smiles of the MC’s, the chants of the fans… all that hurt even more. It was unbearable, it made him claustrophobic. He wanted to hide.

                ‘Snap out of it. We have people counting on us.’ His loyal maknae had told him when he saw him practically running away from the backstage area. The younger guy tried hard to seem unaffected and Yunho knew he did it for him. The fans, their families, their managers… they kept a façade to tranquilize them. But when it was only the two of them, Changmin could let that mask fall. He didn’t! And Yunho knew he behaved like that for his sake. Changmin, more than anyone, knew Yunho was hanging onto his sanity by a thin thread and him more than anyone feared what might happen if it all became too much for him.

                ‘It’s not worth it.’ Changmin had told him on a different occasion. He tried to make his words seem truthful; he really tried to make his leader believe that the missing spots on stage weren’t worth all that pain. His way to cope with the change was to hate the three people that were no longer there. His voice, his expression, his gestures, they all said ‘I hate them and I want you to hate them too’. But Yunho knew the boy since he was practically a child, since the time his voice was shaky and fragile and he would get angry because he couldn’t wait for his adolescence to pass and his voice to get stronger. He could see right to Changmin’s heart: the boy was pained. He missed his hyungs. He felt abandoned. He was concerned and worried about him.

                Leaning forward in his seat Yunho let his head hit the back of the front seat and stayed in that awkward position.

                His head was so filled with negative thoughts, pain, loss, betrayal… his body ached. He wanted to roll himself into fetal position, holding his body with his arms, trying to keep it from falling to pieces.

                He wanted to be able to hate them. That way, he thought, it would be easier to forget them. That was Changmin’s theory, at least.

                But there were things preventing him from blocking those three guys out of his mind… and his heart. First, he knew they never meant to hurt him or Changmin. There was no betrayal. They wanted a better life and it was Yunho’s and Changmin’s choice to not go with them. Yunho was scared to leave the comfort of what he knew and he thought the others would follow the opinion of their leader.

                The night he discovered the other would go ahead, even without him and Changmin, still haunted his dreams. He still woke up crying when in his sleep he replayed that night when he entered their dorm and banged on Yoochun’s and Jaejoong’s door, demanding an explanation, threatening he wouldn’t let them leave even if he had to lock them inside the house. No one answered him though. The door was locked and he didn’t see Yoochun or Jaejoong that night.

                After almost an hour of screaming at a closed door and hitting it until his knuckles were practically bleeding, Junsu tried to approach him.

                ‘Hyung…’ he had called with a shaky voice that showed how hard he was fighting the tears. Yunho didn’t care. He was blinded by his rage. He didn’t see the insecurity in Junsu’s eyes or how conflicted he was. He didn’t hear Junsu’s plea to join them so all of them could continue what they started but have a better life. Yunho didn’t hear anything of that and kept screaming into the closed door, his voice getting hoarse by the minute. Only when Junsu tried to touch him and make him stop before he hurt himself, Yunho reacted.

                ‘DON’T TOUCH ME. YOU’RE SO EAGER TO LEAVE? GO THEN! I DON’T ING CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. ABOUT ANY OF YOU.’ He screamed before shoving Junsu away and walking past him to his room. He still saw Changmin sitting in the couch in the leaving room, his head hanging low and his face covered by his hair and instead of filling compassion he felt angry towards the younger because he wasn’t trying to stop any of that.

                He stayed in his room for three days. Changmin was the only person who came in from time to time, bringing something for him to eat when the maknae himself didn’t seem to be eating at all.

                On the third night Changmin opened his room door but didn’t even approach him. Yunho had his back turned to the door and couldn’t see Min’s expression when he announced:

                ‘They’re gone.’

                He barely remembers the months after that. The stronger memory Yunho has from the following time is a huge discussion in a little room, when someone suggested bringing new people to the group. ‘After all, the show must go on.’ Those words sent him into a rage fit and he only didn’t hit the man in front of him because his manager and Changmin dragged him out of there. And that was the end of that subject.

                Sometimes he even wonders if it wouldn’t be easier to have new people, fresh blood, young and naïve boys to smile, act cute and pretend the world is full of rainbows instead of him and Changmin facing the whole world alone. It’s becoming easier to smile but only because those smiles are faker and faker each time. Maybe new members would make things easier.

                But then again… even though he is alone with Changmin in stage he always feels like he is singing and dancing in a W formation. Could he really bare the sight of strangers taking those places?

                No.

                The second reason for him to not be able to hate the 3 missing people on stage… because one of them is his other half, is his best half and he just can’t hate what is part of him.

                The center of the W. The life of the group. The quirkiest of them all. The best of them all!

                That’s what Changmin didn’t understand. Yunho couldn’t hate them, couldn’t even pretend to hate them because the one he loves is part of them.

                When he goes through magazines he doesn’t search for DBSK. He searches for that trio and can’t help but smile when he sees they’re doing well.

                When he goes home, tired and wasted, he can’t fall asleep before watching or re-watching one of those drama episodes he recorded just to see him.

                Yunho can’t hate because his heart is full of love. He still loves Jaejoong. More than life itself.

                And that night he had to run away right after they finished their performance because the fan-chants made him feel pain like he hadn’t in a long time. The signs read ‘YunJae’ and the fans screamed Jaejoong’s name more than his or Changmin’s. Did they know how they were killing him slowly? Did they think he needed them to remind him of Jaejoong or of what they were?

                He knew what had sparked that sudden wave of YunJae shippers to manifest themselves after so much time. The scandal! Well it wasn’t exactly a scandal. The media loved to pair him with every girl that talked to him and this time they were taking a bit too far and the ‘scandal’ was taking too long to be forgotten.

                Funny enough he wasn’t concerned about his image or the involved actress’s image.

                His only concern is about Jaejoong. Did Jaejoong hear of it? Does Jaejoong care? Did that hurt Jaejoong?

                In these times he misses the man more than ever and when he closes his eyes he only imagines his arms wrapped around the smaller guy and his face buried in his hair.

                The previous night he picked up a call from a private number. Those calls always come to his personal phone. He only gives that number to close friends and family. Over the time there where many calls like that. When he answers no one speaks and the only sound heard is an uneven breathing and sometimes what seems like a held back cry.

                It is enough. Yunho can tell it is Jaejoong just by the sound of him breathing. He wants to tell him a hundred things but nothing comes out. So they just stay like that, hearing each other breathing, hearing each other cry, until one of them has to hung up or until they fall asleep.

                Yunho can count by the fingers in his hands the number of times he received those calls. It’s not much but it is just enough to keep him going.

                Sure he wanted to tell Jaejoong that it doesn’t have to be the end for them. But is that really true when his every step is controlled? When he is always followed? When his own company prefers he misses an award ceremony than risking being in the same room as Jaejoong?

                He doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep.

                But the call he received the previous night was a bit different. When he picked up a husky and frail voice called:

                ‘Yunho-ah…’ and just the sound of that voice gave him the courage and the will to fight everything and everyone. He could notice Jaejoong was crying and he wanted to comfort the other, assure him all that scandal was a huge lie, that after all that time there was no room for anyone else but him in his heart. But Jaejoong hang up right after calling his name.

That night Yunho didn’t sleep.

                “Yunho? We’re here!” his manager called from the driver’s seat and Yunho looked up to see he was inside the private park of his building. He lived alone now. Even that was different from before and he desperately missed having a full house and the guys he knew so well around him.

                “Thanks!” he mumbled dryly before exiting the car and running to the elevator. His manager saw him enter the elevator and sighed, thinking when would Yunho go back to his normal self and fearing that the answer to that was ‘never’.

                The elevator was moving too slowly and Yunho was getting impatient. It was too quiet. It let his thoughts run wild and he sure didn’t want that.

                He was eager to reach his house and play one of the DVD’s he had recorded a while ago: JYJ’s live concert in Japan. He knew it seemed creepy to keep watching Jaejoong like that and he knew it would only bring him more heartache. But he couldn’t help it. He needed to know the other was alright and doing well. And in that particular video he was always waiting for the last part when Jaejoong was about to leave the stage and he kissed the ring in his forefinger.

                Yunho wore the exact same ring in his ring finger and he absentmindedly moves it around when he thinks of Jaejoong.

                When he is really missing Jaejoong he watches that video and convinces himself that Jaejoong still cares.

                Changmin calls him stupid and tells him he is just inflicting pain to himself but Yunho doesn’t care. That’s what he needs to stay sane, even if it sounds almost crazy.

                The doors of the elevator finally open to his floor.

                He reaches his apartment’s door and goes to pull the cover that hides the electronic panel where he enters the code to open his front door but that lid is already pulled up.

                He tries to open his door but it is closed. Whoever tried to enter his house either failed to figure what the code was or is already inside and forgot to put the cover down.

                The first thing that comes to his mind is saeseng fans and he hesitates a bit, thinking if he should call back his manager. He decides against it. After all he is a grown man capable of defending himself.

                He puts the code in and the door opens.

                He enters his home cautiously but the house is quiet and everything is in its place. He sighs in relief and walks to his room to change.

                That’s when he notices him, someone seating on his living room, his elbows resting in his knees and his chin supported by his hands, his fingers tangled and his expression conflicted.

                Yunho walks to him certain that he is hallucinating and about to admit that he finally went crazy.

                Jaejoong keeps sitting on the sofa, looking at him walking in his direction. He barely moves, only the emotions in his eyes seem to change.

                Yunho gasps, trying to say something coherent but deciding to stay silent. After all he would be talking to a hallucination. Wouldn’t he?

                He needs to check for sure.

                He grabs Jaejoong by the wrist and pulls him up to a standing position. Yunho is touching him. He can feel Jae’s warmth. He can feel his hot breath hitting his skin. He can feel the wetness of a tear that escapes Jae’s eyes and lands in his hand.

                Jaejoong is really there.

                His eyes widened with surprise and happiness and the small smile forming in Jae’s lips makes his heart race like crazy.

                “You’re really here.” He mumbles, still incredulous.

                “I’m really here.” Jaejoong simply answers.

                Yunho pulls him in for a hug and all the dark thoughts in his mind dissipate, every ill feeling is pushed away and nothing else matters.

                They are together again!