i’ll paint you a clear blue sky

The thunderstorm had gotten pretty intense. Jung Taekwoon sat in his room, looking out the window. He watched for the lightning flashes. He counted the seconds between each flash. It was a habit he had picked up a year and a half back. He wasn't sure why he continued the habit, why he didn't break it like he had broke everything else.

Storms always put Taekwoon in a mood. He couldn't describe the feeling they gave him. Taekwoon was already a quiet person, a man with little words. Storms always silenced him more, if possible. He would just sit and watch. He wouldn't move until the storm passed. Maybe it was the thoughts racing through his head weighing him down and tying him to his seat. Taekwoon didn't know why, but he always thought during storms.

And he thought about a lot.

His roommate, Kim Wonsik, said Taekwoon was rather odd, the way he would count the seconds, watch the storms, turn to stone. But Wonsik was odd to Taekwoon. Wonsik moved too much, spoke too much. His personality was much too vibrant and loud for Taekwoon. Wonsik would rather listen to music through a storm, and that was weird to Taekwoon. The thunder already swallowed the whole world, so why try to swallow the thunder with music? It didn't make sense to Taekwoon why someone wouldn't want to hear the sound of the rain pound into the rooftop. Wonsik was weird.

Wonsik always asked what went through Taekwoon's head when there was a storm. Taekwoon never gave him a definite answer, because he knew the answer was pathetic. It was dumb of him to keep thinking of– it was just dumb. He was dumb. It had been a year by now. What he was thinking of would never think of him again. And Taekwoon knew that. He just couldn't stop thinking about– about that. It made his heart beat harder. It made his breath more shallow. His mind raced and raced. He just wanted it back. And each time there was a storm, he had flashbacks. He saw what he once was in each crack of lightning. He wished he could be that again.

Taekwoon counted to twenty between the flashes of lightning. Images were burned into his head, words embedded to the sides of his brain. He remembered. He remembered everything. He remembered how he was young, and he couldn't even pick a favorite song. He remembered how he couldn't find it in him to commit to a person. He remembered how he was too afraid to strip himself and lay bare. He remembered how his nights once consisted of multiple kisses and many arguments and then even more kisses. He remembered how he would wipe tears when they were from fear but more often when they were from pain. He remembered how he caused all different kinds of tears. He remembered how he walked away.

Walking away was his worst memory.

Taekwoon wanted it all back; he really did. Wonsik could only fill so much of the hole Taekwoon dug. Wonsik could only replace so much empty space Taekwoon created. Wonsik wasn't– wasn't what Taekwoon really needed, what he was missing. Wonsik had his own life that Taekwoon wasn't included in. Wonsik had other priorities; he couldn't offer Taekwoon what Taekwoon was really wanting. There was only one person who could, and Taekwoon let him go.

It was storming, and that him was alone.

Taekwoon was always still during intense storms because when he thought, he thought about Lee Jaehwan. Jaehwan always had the effect of stopping people in their tracks. Jaehwan froze many people solid, Taekwoon included. Taekwoon dated Jaehwan for roughly two years before Taekwoon just– just left. Like that. Gone. Taekwoon blamed immaturity and inexperience. Jaehwan was his first real relationship that lasted, and Taekwoon started feeling things he had never felt before. It scared Taekwoon. Taekwoon thought he was losing his head, losing his mind to Jaehwan. Taekwoon just didn't recognize that was a good thing. So when Taekwoon left, he and Jaehwan both cried. Taekwoon tried to act cold to Jaehwan, like his emotions had just shifted overnight and he had no desire to continue his relationship with Jaehwan. Taekwoon didn't know you couldn't just stop loving someone overnight.

Or after a year.

Taekwoon was still in love with Jaehwan, even though the last time he saw Jaehwan was three months a