“Good morning! It’s 9am, and you’ve called the KITE Shoe-Walkers. What a fabulace way to start your day!”

Being a professional Shoe-Walker isn’t all fun and games — don’t mind our company’s favorite pun. It’s literally sole breaking work. Monetary compensation leaves much to be desired. Fair enough. But for all the years I’ve been at it, the big guy upstairs hasn’t once acknowledged me past the occasional seasonal blessing. Affirmation’s a beautiful thing in this business.

“Press 1 to lend us your stiff soles. Press 2 to check in on your fair-feathered friend. Press 3 to speak to a cobbler in your area.”

Oxfords are my preferred type, although I’ve loosened up a stiletto or two — or three. Number 3 gets its fair share of presses; questions are normal. Ask and you shall receive unsatisfactory answers. There’s a suspension of disbelief involved. Even companies on other floors are confused: what’s the point of a Shoe-Walker?

“Para español presione por favor el número 4.”

Yo no tengo una respuesta. You’ll figure it out though — maybe. Let’s give your soul a break in the meantime. I’m your wing guy, after all.