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{9}

“You’re serious about that?” Don’t give into her lies, they are nothing, they mean nothing other than bittersweet promises. But the look in her eyes said something else.

“Why would I joke about that? I know how much pain you’ve gone through, I know that, Taeyeon, I wouldn’t hurt you that way,” she insisted, tugging on the hem of my shirt. Her words are empty. But they packed a good punch. She has her life, her duty ahead of her. What is she doing, being like this?

“You have something worthwhile outside of my island, why are you still here?” I demanded and she gripped my shirt tighter, she kissed my hand once but I slipped it out of her grip. Her big eyes seemed to get even bigger when tears became visible and I had to look away so I wouldn’t cry.

“I don’t want to go back out there, it’s hard. You know who I am; can you imagine me being a hard SEAL commanding my own fleet?” I found it difficult to. “I hate hiding who I am, I may be qualified but I’m scared of not being able to fulfill my responsibilities because I’m soft on the inside. I’m scared of screwing up and sending the world into chaos because I couldn’t kill someone. I’m scared of dying because there are so many other things and other people that I still want to live with.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Tiffany was doing everything on purpose. She didn’t want to go back. “Everyone sees my uniform and my insignia and they think I’m so strong and capable…I’m so sick of it. When I met you, you had no idea who I was and what I did. I could be myself around you and…you liked me and I felt so free.”

I could understand her, being forced into a mold because of her actions and accomplishments. My own cousins still couldn’t trust me after thousands of years because I had betrayed them, and while I couldn’t blame them, I didn’t like being thought of as untrustworthy. But Tiffany’s job made her a protector of a country and its innocent inhabitants. How can she be so selfish when I’m trying to be selfless? I rush of anger overcame my senses. “You’re so selfish, Tiffany,” I growled and she whimpered, balling her hands into fists. Her submissiveness suddenly irked me to no end. “Millions of lives are counting on you and you want a free pass out of it?!”

“Yeah, I’m selfish, Taeyeon. I just wanted someone to love me and care for me instead of it being myself! I want to be protected instead of protecting someone that won’t even take me seriously!” she shouted and I clenched my jaw. She was making me angrier. How can she just choose her own life when her responsibility is to lay her life on the line of fire?

“Well I want someone who will stay with me and keep me company for the rest of my life but we can’t have what we want, Tiffany,” I snapped and she tugged on my fingers but it felt like she was tugging on my heart strings.

“I can’t just let you go, Taeyeon. We can both get what we want if you let me stay and make me immortal.” She can’t just throw it away. How could she just throw it away? Her fingers interlocked with mine and I couldn’t pull them out, I couldn’t bring myself to make those eyes shed more tears. Why does she have to sway me so? “You love me don’t you?”

“Of course I do, I love you a lot, Tiffany,” I mumbled and she held my waist.

“You won’t have to live without me then. I want to do this, I want to make you happy and live here with you. You make me happy and…I can’t leave this place knowing that someone else is going to come and steal your heart,” she placed her hand over my chest and I closed my eyes, holding my hand over them. She’s so selfish, how could I not have seen it before? All she thinks about is herself, that’s it, when I was here suffering…she withheld everything from me. Her betrayal was hurting me in ways I didn’t know I could hurt. I pushed her back a little, keeping her at arm’s distance.

“How can you say all of these things? If you went missing, your NATO commanders, fellow servicemen, your family would go insane. No, you’ve been gone for so long already, they must be livid! What are they doing with your fleet? Who else can command it when it’s already been established?” I asked her and she gripped my arms, almost digging her nails in.

“None of that is supposed to matter here, Taeyeon. There is always someone who will get promoted and then they will take my place. They wouldn’t care, they’d be glad that the girl isn’t in charge of everything anymore,” she mumbled, shaking her head. She turned back to me, jutting out her bottom lip a little. I turned away once more. God I can never look at her in the eye, it just feels like a stab to the gut. I still couldn’t understand why she was doing this.

“If you’re not prepared to lose your life, why’d you sign up for the Navy? Why’d you work so hard to climb up the ranks?” I asked her firmly, trying to be tough but it was hard when I had these feelings, when she looked like that.

“I thought I was prepared, okay? I thought that losing my life for the U.S against terrorism would be an amazing way to die, but then I got scared of death. I’m too young to die, Tae, you’d agree with me wouldn’t you?” I wasn’t quite sure of her age though. She looked like she was fresh out of college, maybe even younger, but after she recounted her past I was pretty lost.

“How old are you?” I decided to ask.

“I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but you said it’s definitely been over a year, so around 30.” That is young, quite a way’s below the average life expectancy.

“So what if you’re young? If it’s your time to go, it’s your time—.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to fear death!” she suddenly lashed out, pushing me back. I stumbled back, holding out my arms for balance. Tiffany broke out in tears, covering her face. I wanted to hold her, but in the situation we were in, I decided not to. “I’m so afraid, Tae. What if it hurts? What if I die without seeing peace? What if the end of my life means the end of the attack? There are too many things I’d regret, and you know, one of them would be leaving you. I can’t leave you, if I go out there and die then I’d die without you…” I wasn’t sure if she was trying to appeal to my heart or not, but she was. It was making me melt and fight. I thought I was ready to let her go but now…I wasn’t so sure if I could. I let out a deep breath and took another in, trying to clear my mind. Don’t get biased, don’t get biased.

“You think I’d like it too? You know it hurts me; everyone that I loved from the past has died and knowing that breaks me open. And I knew, I always knew that there was something off about you. But dammit you had to give me hope, !” I kicked my chair and it swung, back and forth. Well there goes not being biased. “I don’t know what it’s like to be human, I know that. But you don’t know what it’s like to be immortal either! You have to sit back, watching every mortal you cared for pass on, and know that even if you tried you can’t meddle with the afterlife. They’re gone and you’re stuck…it’s not easy, not at all.” I swept my hands in my hair, letting out angry breaths. But she has to die someday; you can’t keep her to yourself. She has to leave, whether she wants to or not. “You’re being selfish, Tiffany.”

“Don’t talk to me like you haven’t been selfish before!” she spat and I gulped. “You told me that those other 8 guys left you. You said that they lied and cheated and deceived you, but you still loved each and every one of them. You said you begged each of them to stay. Why are you pushing me? Why aren’t you asking me to stay with you? What’s wrong with me?” she whimpered, holding my waist with her fidgety hands. I let out a small sigh when she massaged my hips with her fingers. It became really hard to think. How can she be like this right now? My knees got weak and Tiffany pulled me closer against her, my head slumped on her shoulder. “Am I less valuable to you than they are? Do you hate me because I kept this from you? Are you not really in love with me?” I looked up at her, staring at her face.

“I do love you and you are extremely, extremely valuable to me. You’re priceless. I don’t hate you, it hurts that I know the truth now, but I can’t hate you. I’m upset, because I thought you were close to perfect…but now I think that you’re far from.”

“Taeyeon…” she whined as I stood straight and looked at her in the eyes. “If nothing mattered, if I didn’t have that responsibility, would you make me immortal?” I opened my mouth to answer, to say yes, but then I closed it. If I say yes that’ll only make her regret her decisions even more. I can’t say yes, I have to tell her that this would all be the same.

“You’re not meant to be immortal, I wouldn’t,” I shook my head.

“You’re lying; don’t lie to me.” Her eyes are so red.

“Like you haven’t done the same thing to me,” I frowned and she bit her lips guiltily. “If I didn’t care about you, would you leave me?”

“No,” she shook her head vigorously as her answer nestled in my heart, momentarily blinding me of all moral ideals. “I can’t leave you, even if you didn’t care, I love you and I can’t live without you in my life. Even if I don’t die from this war, I won’t be able to find you again. I have to find you again,” she pressed, the desperation apparent in her voice. “You have an eternity to get over me, don’t say you won’t because we both know you would and could. I have an average of 50 years left, if I don’t die on duty. How many people have you gotten over in about 50 years?” she demanded. They’ve always been so spaced out, until Tiffany and Peter. He died because of me, and yet I’ve accepted his leaving quicker than anyone else’s.

“One,” I muttered.

“Exactly. That’s my lifetime, Taeyeon, you have a billion lifetimes to get over me but in the end, I might still be stuck on you,” she said. She wouldn’t spend the rest of her life still loving me, would she? She’s human, wouldn’t finding a new partner mean more to her than getting over one? I would feel bad if the last person she loved was me. I would feel awful if that happened. I love her and I want the best for her, but I want her to be happy too. What overpowers what? Is her happiness or wellbeing more important? “Please, I need you.”

“I can’t go with you, Tiffany; you know I can’t leave the island. My cousin spent her life strengthening her magic, I can’t take down her barrier,” I sighed and she held onto me, refusing to let me go. “It’s not your choice to leave your position, Tiffany. That’s your superior’s choice. I’ve been in a war before, one that lasted a dozen years. We didn’t have guns or tanks or machines, we had our powers and our steel and our hands. I didn’t know what would happen to me, being a double agent; I was scared when I saw my father losing. I was scared when I thought of all of the worse punishments I could’ve gotten, like being cut into pieces. But I was finally done with being oppressed and driven like a slave, and I knew that either outcome resulted in my punishment, but I was willing. Anything to get rid of that man. I don’t want to let you go either, I want someone by my side and I’d love it if that were you, but I can’t. Not only are there millions of people who are counting on you to lead the Crescent Fleet to success, my cousins are counting on me to be responsible enough to let you go.”

“Why? What’s so great about people who’ve only shut you out and torture you emotionally? Why are you so willing to forgive them?” she pleaded and I sighed, gripping my shoulder.

Throughout my exile, I continuously had different opinions of each of my cousins. I loathed them sometimes and loved them other times. Each emotion came powerfully. I always fought with Belle, we couldn’t get along and I knew that she mentioned the unavailable love aspect to my punishment. But we could be civil with each other, before my disloyalties were revealed, we worked together decently during the war because she wanted to understand fighting and what Grayson was doing. And take Lee for example, he knew how to press my buttons and talked about things that mentally stable people wouldn’t talk about, such as me killing Peter. He was bold in another way, and while I often hated it, he could be very charismatic with it. There were many moments where I wasn’t sure how I felt about my cousins, I didn’t see them enough to truly know their characters, but I felt like I knew a lot as well. “They’re my family, Tiffany, and I live forever. I cannot go through my life not being able to mend our relationships. What they did to me was extreme and it’s painful, but things are happening and it’s about time I learned my lesson.” They sent me Tiffany because they knew what I wanted.

Tiffany, while I had no idea in the beginning, was everything I wanted. Out of the nine mortals I’ve ever been intimate with, there was no doubt I had the most powerful ual connection with Tiffany. I didn’t know it at first, mostly because I didn’t know it could happen, but I found myself staring at her and feeling a dark yearn. Her personality charmed my socks off, I loved how adorable and endearing she was. Being one of the eldest of my cousins, I guess protection was in my nature, but I had no idea that it became a habit until I had someone to take care of. I missed feeling responsible and in control, so she gave me those things. Tiffany was strong when she could be, intelligent when she wanted to be, and distracting when she needed to be. If she weren’t in the Navy, if she didn’t have the world riding on her shoulders, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. “Why does it have to be with me? Why couldn’t it have been with the one before me? Why are you doing this to me?” if her glassy eyes were truly glass, then I could see it shatter, I watched it shatter and cut a trail down her face. Even here, I found her expressions so alive and I couldn’t help but watch.

“You always asked me if you’re special to me or not, you are. Not just because you’re the only Number 9 I’ll have, not just because you’re the first woman, and not just because you’re asking to stay. You’re the one that I love enough to let go. I love you enough to let you go, Tiffany, I haven’t been able to do that until you,” I tried saying, but whenever I mentioned my past lovers she got emotional. Since she was already crying, the next stage was anger.

“Why are you bringing them up now? Do you want it to hurt even more?!” she punched my chest. How can she turn this into a situation where I need to comfort her? It’s been a while, but she’s never been truly able to accept my past. She got jealous and possessive, a part of me only saw it as cute, but another part knew that if we were ever going to be together then she had to understand I was old. This can’t be good for her wellbeing, always dealing with jealousy.

“Tiffany, maybe you need to rethink being in love with me,” I mumbled, pulling her off of me. “I’m old, almost as old as the world, and I’ve been in love with many other people besides you. I still think of them because there’s no closure, not because I prefer them over you. But if you can’t deal with that then you can’t deal with me. Think, please Tiffany, please think about what you’re getting yourself into. Can you handle my past, my responsibilities, my world?” I shook her shoulders slightly, watching as she began to stop feeling and just thought. I finally noticed that the sun had gone down already and that our lights were on. I can give her up, I can and I will. Tiffany is meant to make history; every one of them has made history. This time she wants to stay…what will happen when I let her go? What will my cousins do, assuming that this is giving up my selfishness? Oh my God, what if it isn’t? Then I would’ve given up the most perfect person for nothing. The insecurity started eating me alive. My fingers dug into her hair and she touched one of my hands.  I’m going to lose her. I pulled Tiffany close and kissed her, losing myself to desire.

​A/N: Thank you Tiffany.