Focus

Kyungsoo patted Chanyeol on the shoulder lightly as he grabbed his coat. “Don’t think anything of it. Just breathe and focus, right? Nothing to it. I’ll see you later, lock the door behind me.” He quickly ducked out the door of their shared dorm, leaving Chanyeol with the thoughts of his that were swirling much too rapidly in his head.

 

"Nothing to it." Chanyeol echoed emptily. Breathe. He picked up his pencil. Was he forgetting something that Kyungsoo had just asked him to do? He felt like he was. The pencil lead tapped the top of his notebook paper absentmindedly. What was for dinner tonight? Hey. Focus. Chanyeol shook his head and exhaled forcefully. Come on, you idiot, it’s simple, why can’t you do this is if it’s so easy? Snap out of whatever this is. Get your together and take these notes. You still have an English essay to write. Hey, Baekhyun and Jongdae were in his English class. The three of them really had fun causing trouble here and there. Chanyeol, focus. Stop letting your mind wander.

 

He pressed the sharpened tip of his pencil to the first line of his paper once more and looked over at his textbook. Against his will, his eyes began to drift out of focus slightly, and the glazed orbs skimmed the words and pictures that refused to commit to memory. Ashoka.. Did we even learn about him? He had something to do with Hinduism, maybe.. or was it Buddhism? I can’t remember anything we’ve been talking about recently. I might as well not be in class if I’m not gonna pay attention. His fingers tensed around his pencil in anger. He needed to take these notes.

Chanyeol forced his mind back to his textbook and looked at the pictures and charts that spanned the open pages. He glanced the first picture- Islam. It depicted a world map covered in lines, presumably signifying the spread of Islam. He flipped the page and looked at the next one, which had a source line at the bottom. It referenced the picture on the previous page, the one he had just looked at. What… had it been about? Buddhism? ...Islam? .

 

You know, maybe you would remember if you didn’t let yourself get so distracted. You’re in college, you can’t afford to be this irresponsible. Maybe you’re just stupid.

 

The lead on Chanyeol’s pencil snapped violently under the force he had gripped it with. A large mark was left on the first line of the notebook paper, dark flecks of pencil lead scattered around it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You’re not cut out for college. You should have stayed home. Hell, just go home now. A school as good as this one will be glad to get rid of any stupid kids.

 

His head hurt immensely under the stress of his thoughts. What if he was really just stupid? Incapable of even the most miniscule of tasks. Hell, even the task of reading a textbook was daunting on its own. His eyes stung with the frustrated sob that choked his throat. Now you’re crying. Great. Not only can you not read a ing textbook, but you’re actually crying over your own stupidity.

 

His eye twitched as he looked back at his textbook. The clock ticked incessantly. You’re not crying. When did he turn on music? Don’t you dare cry. The fan oscillated loudly, drowning out the words on the page in front of him. Why won’t the noises stop?

Chanyeol was drowning. He couldn’t stay afloat amidst the sounds jumping out at him, overpowering him and his brain and dragging him to the depths of the oceanic expanse of his thoughts. If he stayed down any longer, he would lose his mind.

 

Why can’t I breathe?

 

Chanyeol didn’t realize he had finally started crying until he was already yelling furiously and shoving papers off of his desk. With an angry sob, he picked up his textbook and threw it at his door with all of his fury behind it. He stood up violently as his frustration began to overwhelm him.

 

Chanyeol looked uncertainly at his mother, who nodded at him reassuringly. “It’s okay, you can tell the doctor, sweetie.” Swallowing nervously, Chanyeol met the doctor’s eyes. “I…” he trailed off. “I can’t focus on things very well. Or, um, remember them. Not like everyone else can. I don’t think.”

 

The doctor smiled comfortingly--perhaps condescendingly. “Mrs. Park, a word?”

 

Chanyeol watched his mom converse with his doctor for a moment before losing interest and scanning the walls of the pediatrician’s office. Blue and green swirls decorated the walls, and there were paintings hung depicting colorful fish and shells. A few moments later, both adults turned back to him. “It appears that you may have critical problems with focus and attention. Your mom will decide how she wants to deal with this, okay? It’ll be sorted out.” Chanyeol nodded, smiling at his mom. It would all be sorted out soon.

 

Chanyeol slammed his hands onto his desk in fury. He had known about this for years now, but had never received any type of treatment. His mom was afraid of using medicine, like countless other parents, and the suggested therapy had proved to be quite ineffective. And now, here he was. Trashing his dorm in frustration, with some type of mental handicap that was probably just a figment of his imagination. No one had mentioned it to him for years, and Chanyeol wouldn’t put it past himself to have invented this mental disorder as a coping device or something. After all no one ever talks about mental illness openly. How did he know that ADD was even real? That anyone understood what he was going through?

 

No, he decided. It’s just me. Stupid and incapable.

 

The small, incessant details of the situation invaded his sentences, further preventing his ability to form helpful thoughts. Footsteps. Ticking. Music. The fan. Rustling papers. His labored breathing, and his quiet sobs. Each noise was a distraction, a caustic addition to his brain that was already caving under the weight of the confusion, fury, and frustration placed on it. He really couldn’t handle this.

 

Chanyeol found himself standing in the center of his room, holding a pillow to his chest. Focus. Nothing to it.

 

Breathe.

 

He inhaled deeply and screamed wantonly, pleading with all of his willpower. “Stop!” He sunk to his knees in defeat and dropped his head into the pillow. “Please! Please.” He wasn’t strong enough to deal with this. The metallic taste of blood sat on his tongue as he bit his lip to keep from crying any more than he already was. He was a broken record, pleading to whatever god was up there that he would somehow live. “Please, please, please..” You, Park Chanyeol, are truly pitiful.

 

     The noises grew louder. The clock was ticking faster, the footsteps more reckless, his breathing more strained. The music that was playing, was it his? Why didn’t he recognize the song? “Please go away, stop, please… please…”

 

Amidst his panic. his phone sounded quietly. The short beeping was a text tone specific to Baekhyun, who had both special text and ring tones. His heart sunk. You like Baekhyun? He’s one of the smartest students in your class. Why would he ever like someone as worthless as you? He doesn’t want to be your friend, much less your boyfriend.

 

You are someone who can’t even read a textbook correctly, who can’t even get through homework without having a panic attack. Don’t answer him. He shouldn’t have to put up with you.

 

Chanyeol let a second beep go by unanswered, then another, as he dragged himself to his bed. Why haven’t I dealt with this until now? It’s not like I didn’t know. I knew, my whole family knew. We never talked about it.

 

Each movement he made towards his bed pained him, his joints creaking like those of an unoiled machine that carried tension in each of its mechanisms. Each was worn out, and hadn’t worked properly in years. Why did I wait until I was out of order to consider making repairs?

He pulled himself onto his bed and collapsed, tears still steadily flowing across his cheeks. The pillow that had been in his hands was now clutched against his stomach, and he lay in fetal position underneath his white comforter. It was foreign feeling, to feel so small when he was such a big person. Laying underneath his blankets crying, he had never felt so tiny.

 

     Fresh tears burned his skin as they raced down his face, leaving scars in their wake that were much more emotional than literal. He had never experienced so much fear, frustration, anger, doubt, and confusion all at one time, barraging his senses and fragmenting his scattered and disconnected thoughts as they made their way from his head to his mouth. It scared the hell out of him.

  

 Chanyeol lay in his bed, sobbing on and off for a long time. He wasn’t sure how long, but he would guess approximately half an hour, maybe more. A knock echoed through his room after this time, and Chanyeol didn’t even have the energy to tell whoever was out there to go away. His best effort was a small grunt, which was not enough for his visitor to get the message.

 

     He heard the door open, and he realized what it was that he had forgotten to do. Kyungsoo had asked him to lock the door, and now someone was going to see what had happened.

 

     “Hey, Yeol,” Baekhyun’s voice tinkled lightly as he shut the door, “Why didn’t you answer my--whoa.. What happened?”

 

    Baekhyun moved into Chanyeol’s line of sight, and Chanyeol was able to see him set down two bags of food on his desk and turn to look at him. “Channie, are you okay?”

 

     The fear in Baekhyun’s voice was like a stab in Chanyeol’s heart. I’ll just be even more of a burden if I tell him anything. Chanyeol opened his mouth to offer some type of reassurance, but all that came out was a broken sob. “Fine,” he croaked quietly.

 

      Baekhyun looked conflicted for a moment, brow furrowing as he worried his lip, then approached Chanyeol silently. He pushed Chanyeol backward to clear a bit of space on his bed and gently sat on the edge, looking down at Chanyeol with worry in his eyes. “Don’t lie to me, Yeol. You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready, but I know you’re not fine, and I want to know how I can help.

 

   “Do you.. wanna talk about it yet?”

 

     Chanyeol shook his head and heaved another painful sob. It pained Baekhyun immeasurably to see the person he loved so much in such pain, but he knew he couldn’t force him to talk about anything until he was ready. The best way to help, he decided, was to remove his shoes and get underneath the blankets with him. He sat reclined against the pillows, and picked Chanyeol up (with great effort) and tugged him upwards.

 

     “C’mere, you.” He pulled Chanyeol to rest with his head on his chest, and Chanyeol’s hand found a place stretched across Baekhyun’s stomach, fingers curling in the soft blue sweater Baekhyun was wearing. You are a burden. Baekhyun does not and will not ever love you.

 

     Chanyeol’s destructive thoughts led him into another fit of quiet sobs, each of which suffocated Baekhyun as his throat constricted painfully. He Chanyeol’s black hair softly, humming quietly in an effort to distract Chanyeol. “Wise men say,” he began to sing.

 

     Baekhyun doesn’t love you.

 

     “Only fools rush in.” Chanyeol’s hand balled up the fabric of Baekhyun’s sweater tightly, and it felt like a knife had been stabbed directly through Baekhyun’s heart. He could feel hot tears leaving spots on his chest. His voice faltered, wobbling in pain, but he continued singing. “But I can’t help..” Baekhyun tenderly pushed the hair out of Chanyeol’s teary eyes, peering down at him with watery eyes of his own. “Falling in love… with… you.” As he sang the last word, he grazed his thumb across the cheekbone of the tall, lanky boy who looked so frail, with watery cheeks and a red nose and dark eyes that were filled with such unbearable pain, and met Baekhyun’s with heart-wrenching sadness.

 

     No one loves you.

 

     Chanyeol couldn’t breathe as he began to weep. Tears spilled out of Baekhyun’s eyes as he heard quiet, hyperventilating breaths leaving Chanyeol’s lungs.

 

     Sniffling and wiping at his face with his free hand, he pleaded. “, Channie, please tell me what’s wrong. Please, I can’t just sit here and watch you cry like this. Tell me how I can help, please, Chanyeol.”

 

     “No one can help me!” Chanyeol burst out. His arms wobbled dangerously as he tried to push himself up, brushing off the hands that Baekhyun offered to help him sit up. “No one can help me. I am broken. Unlovable. I can’t do anything right, I’m a burden to you and I just--”

 

     Baekhyun interrupted him with a shaky voice as he held back tears of his own. “No, Chanyeol. You’re not a burden and you’re not broken or unlovable. You are not and could not ever be a burden. You are not and could not ever be unlovable. I love you, Chanyeol. I’m so goddamn lucky that you chose me as the person to put up with your stupid jokes and weird late-night conversations, your annoying teasing and snack breaks every 20 minutes. God, Chan, I love you so much. You could never be a burden. You have a burden--that’s a very important difference.”

 

  Baekhyun smiled shyly as he dabbed at the fresh tears on his face. He gingerly touched Chanyeol’s silent tears, noting with pain how he flinched slightly. He wiped them away gently and moved to rest his hands atop the fists balled in Chanyeol’s lap, curling his fingers between Chanyeol’s and forcing his hands to relax as he spoke. “Whatever this burden is, I’m gonna help you fix it. But I need you to talk to me. What made you have this panic attack?”

 

  Chanyeol exhaled. “Can I, um, have a- a minute, to, y’know, breathe a bit?”

 

  The smile Baekhyun gave Chanyeol calmed him down almost immediately. He could watch Baekhyun smile forever and be entirely content admiring his beauty for the rest of his life.

 

  “Take all the time you need.” Chanyeol nodded and attempted a smile, even though he was sure he looked like . Breathe. Baekhyun laced their fingers silently as Chanyeol closed his eyes and tried to regain control of his breathing.

 

  his lips shyly, Chanyeol sniffled. “B-Baek? Could I, um, lay down again? On.. your chest.” Baekhyun’s light, fairy-like laughter made his heart flutter. Could Baekhyun really love me? Someone as perfect as him?

 

  “There's my happy virus. Of course. Come here,” Baekhyun extended his arms and beckoned the tall boy forward. Chanyeol leaned forward, resting his head on Baekhyun’s chest and inhaling deeply. He smells good. With his eyes closed, he listened intently to Baekhyun’s heartbeat and made an effort to time his breathing to Baekhyun’s heart. In for two, out for three. Don’t freak out because Baekhyun said he loves you. Stay chill. You’re chill. Breathe.

 

  A few minutes later, he tapped Baekhyun’s chest lightly. “I’m ready. To, um, talk. If you wanna listen.” Baekhyun smiled warmly at him and brushed his hair out of his face affectionately.

 

  “Of course I do. Tell hyung what’s been bothering his Chanyeollie.” He grinned and returned to Chanyeol’s hair lightly. Chanyeol struggled to find the words that would encompass what he felt.

 

  “Well, I guess.. to start from the beginning of the night.. I was, um, trying to do my homework, and I was having a hard time staying on topic. And, then, when I was trying to read, it was like I..” he exhaled quietly. Breathe. “Like I couldn’t remember anything I read. And, and then when I was, uh, trying to think about class..” He began to trace patterns on Baekhyun’s stomach as he spoke. World History.. he had that class with Baekhyun. He also had English with Baekhyun, and Jongdae. Did I think about this earlier? I feel like I did.

 

    “Channie. You were in the middle of a sentence?” Baekhyun called softly.

 

     Chanyeol’s heart ached. “W-was I? What.. was I talking about?” His chest constricted in embarrassment. I can’t even remember to finish sentences? What the hell is wrong with me? He felt the familiar pain of tears threatening to rise. “I-I can’t even finish sentences.”

 

     He could see gears turning in Baekhyun’s head. He's going to figure it out. He won't love me anymore. “You were talking about how you were trying to think about your class.” The idea popped back into Chanyeol’s head.

 

     “Ah, yeah, that’s right.. I couldn’t even remember whether or not we had talked about anything I was reading in class. Like recently, when I’m taking a test, or-or a quiz, it feels like I’ve never even, like.. been in class before. My mind is blank, like I--like I can’t remember anything.

 

    “And then I got really frustrated. All these noises I could hear kept distracting me, and drowning out the words that I was already struggling to read. It was so scary, Baek. It just feel like I…” He trailed off, a confused look on his face as he twisted his hand anxiously in Baekhyun’s sweater, which by now was thoroughly soaked with tears. “I..” He his lips and whimpered. “I lost the thought. I, uh, don’t know where I was going to end that sentence.” His voice cracked on the last word.

 

     Baekhyun’s heart cracked with it in unison. He knew by now exactly what the problem was, but needed to hear the rest of the story. “Tell me how you ended up crying in bed, with a destroyed room.”

 

    Chanyeol rolled his lips back and forth before sighing. “I.. I guess I just started to feel really.. incompetent. Like.. I can’t even do homework, o-or read a textbook without freaking out. And I don’t belong at this college, with my head on the chest of one of the top medical students in the country, if I’m that stupid. No one..” His voice broke and he felt the familiar humiliating sting of tears. “No one probably even likes me. They shouldn’t have to put up with me. You shouldn’t have to put up with.. me.”

 

     Baekhyun opened his mouth, but shut it again as Chanyeol mumbled something that he almost didn’t hear. “Channie, repeat that for me.”

     Pouting, Chanyeol avoided Baekhyun’s eyes and pressed his face into his seater, repeating himself into the muffling fabric. “Chanyeol-ah, for real.” Baekhyun tapped his cheeks lightly.

 

    Chanyeol turned his head away from Baekhyun, shyly wrapping his arm around the elder’s and murmured, “How could you ever love someone like me. That’s what I said.” He hiccuped quietly, his legs becoming defensively intertwined with Baekhyun’s. “How come y-you haven’t left me yet? How come you aren’t.. disgusted by me? I’m so-so useless, and broken, and stupid, and I can’t even-” He groaned in frustration and wiped furiously at the angry tears springing in his eyes. “Can’t even stop crying because of this stupid pity party I’m throwing for myself. Can’t even do homework without crying and destroying my bedroom. Without dragging you into all my problems, without--”

 

    “Stop. Don’t you dare say one more untrue thing about yourself.” Baekhyun sat up abruptly and Chanyeol followed suit. He took two large hands in his petite ones, curling his small fingers through Chanyeol’s. With a wobbly voice and watery eyes, Baekhyun looked down at their interlaced hands and back up at Chanyeol.

 

  “I meant it when I told you I loved you. I love you. Every part of you is absolutely perfect. You are not useless. You are not stupid. You are not broken. You are loved, and you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You are perfect, and I love you more than I know how to express.” A tear fell down his face silently as he paused, returning his gaze to the ring on Chanyeol’s right hand. “I..” His voice trembled dangerously.

 

  “It hurts me to hear you say that about yourself because.. you…” Baekhyun bit his lip and looked up at Chanyeol with tears streaming down his face. “To me, you’re so perfect. If you could see yourself the way I see you, you would find it impossible to- to ever say anything bad about yourself.” He hiccuped a bittersweet laugh. “Sorry that I started crying. I mean, I was supposed to be cheering you up but now you’ve stopped crying and I’ve started.

 

  “Anyways. I just wish you knew how sad it makes me to learn that you actually do have one imperfection- you don’t know how to recognize your worth. You, Park Chanyeol, are worth so much. You’re worth more than all the stars in the sky, all the fish in the ocean, all the words in all the books in the entire world. You are more than all of that to me. Your problems with focusing are part of you, and they do not negate all the words and fish and stars that you are worth. I value your heart, your mind, your kindness, your sense of humor, your strength- both physical and emotional. I value your intelligence. I value every single aspect of you.

 

  “And, Chanyeol, I really ing love you. So please don’t ever think otherwise.” The two boys sat cross-legged, facing each other and holding hands. It was near silent, save for the occasional sniffle from each of them as they gazed into each other’s watery eyes. Baekhyun offered a shaky smile, and a shrug.

 

  Chanyeol pulled his hands free from the other’s and put them on Baekhyun’s wet cheeks. “I love you more. I promise.” He leaned forward, pulling Baekhyun to meet him. His breath ghosted over Baekhyun’s lips as he paused. “I’ll focus on you, hyung.” Chanyeol’s kiss was soft, and he savored the feeling of Baekhyun relaxing underneath his touch. The other’s lips were delicate, and they pulled away from him for a moment.

Baekhyun chuckled. “Finally. It only took you a year, Park.”

 

  Chanyeol smirked. “Careful, hyung, I may have to kiss that sarcasm off of you.”

 

  “Damn, that’s probably the worst thing I can imagine you doing. C’mere.” He spread his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair, gently tugging him forward. This kiss was much more heated than the last, and it was filled with accidental nose bumps and teeth clacks and lip bites that were a bit too forceful, but neither had been so happy in their whole life and both were thanking whatever gods may exist that they were loved. Small giggles were intermittent in the few following kisses, and Chanyeol could feel Baekhyun’s smile where his hands were cupped. He pulled away to admire the elder, whose chest was heaving, and he was flushed and grinning, entirely out of breath.

 

  “You look so beautiful, Baekhyun. I love you.” At hearing these words, Baekhyun beamed, a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

 

  “You’ve never looked better.” He rested his hand on the nape of Chanyeol’s neck, pulling him forward gently. He touched their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “Can we stay in this moment? Forever?” He felt Chanyeol nod, and he smiled in relief.

 

  They stayed like that, breathing each other in. Neither had ever felt so content, so fulfilled, and neither wanted to be the first to break the moment. However, when Baekhyun heard a notification from his phone behind him, he snapped out of his reverie and sat up. “You need to get some sleep. Today was enough of a rollercoaster for you.” He moved to sit at the edge of the bed. “Get comfortable, yeah? I’ll pick up your room a little bit, or else Kyungsoo might have a literal heart attack.”

 

  He turned to look at Chanyeol, who seemed to bear resemblance to a puppy as he snuggled underneath the mass of messy blankets atop his bed. Chanyeol nodded with wide eyes, and Baekhyun grinned at him, standing up to recover the strewn papers and textbook. He returned the desk chair to its usual upright position, and picked up any thrown items he saw (including, but not limited to: pillows, books, papers, and an orange). Once the room looked slightly more presentable, he turned around to face Chanyeol. There was a mysterious set of clothing on the floor next to the bed, which included a white shirt and grey sweatpants... and socks.

 

  “Did you seriously just strip?” Baekhyun laughed.

 

  Chanyeol pouted. “You said to get comfortable. Need I remind you, hyung, this is my dorm.”

 

  “Yeah, yeah, fair point.” He approached the bed, stopping right in front of Chanyeol. “Sorry that the first time I said I love you was when you were all sad and . That was kind of a move on my part.” Baekhyun bent down and pressed a soft kiss to Chanyeol’s forehead. “Goodnight, Channie.”

 

  “Trust me, it was the best thing you could have possibly told me.” Chanyeol looked up at Baekhyun inquisitively. “Are you.. gonna leave?” Baekhyun blushed, scratching his head.

 

  “I mean.. yeah? I’ll come check on you in the morning, d-don’t worry.” He turned around to get his phone off of the desk, where it sat alongside the fast food that had long gone cold. He stopped however, when he felt a trembling hand grab his wrist. He looked back at Chanyeol, whose arm was extended to grasp him.

 

  “Hyung… please. Stay with me.”

 

  Baekhyun flushed. “I-I don’t know if I-”

 

  Chanyeol looked at him with watery eyes and a small pout. “Please.”

 

  Groaning, Baekhyun shed his sweater and jeans, blushing furiously as he picked up Chanyeol’s sweatpants and pulled them over his legs. He looked at Chanyeol out of the corner of his eye as he did so, and felt his stomach tighten as he saw Chanyeol’s eyes darken. Flustered, he shooed Chanyeol over to the side and laid down next to him in the newly available space. Baekhyun immediately felt uncomfortable, staring at the ceiling in fear of doing something wrong after having confessed his love for his best friend, who was very sparsely clothed. What do you even do in this situation? “This.. this is wrong.”

 

  “No kidding,” Chanyeol scoffed. He rolled over to face Baekhyun and nudged him softly. Baekhyun to his side, fully intending to get out of bed, but Chanyeol held him in place by wrapping an arm around Baekhyun’s waist and pulling him snugly against his chest. “Much better,” Chanyeol murmured quietly, his voice already deep and heavy with sleep.

 

  Baekhyun felt himself melt into Chanyeol’s embrace, smiling to himself as he recognized the immediate slow in Chanyeol’s breathing. He knew that the other would be asleep soon, so he decided to speak up while he still had a chance. “I... Chanyeol.”

 

  “Mmm.”

 

  Baekhyun’s heart skipped a beat. His voice rumbled softly, like thunder in the distance that was approaching quickly, that would soon overtake him in the most beautiful way. He was stuck with this tall idiot for a long time to come, and he knew it for certain in that very moment.

 

  “You have Attention Deficit Disorder, Chanyeol.”

 

  Chanyeol sighed heavily, and Baekhyun felt his exhale on his neck. “I know.”

 

  “We’ll figure it out together, yeah?”

 

  Chanyeol pressed a lazy kiss at the juncture of Baekhyun’s neck and shoulder. “Yeah.”

 

  “Goodnight, Chanyeol.”

 

“Goodnight, Baekhyun.”