shadows are figures cast by an opaque object when light hits them. at least, that was what they taught during physics lessons. jinhwan was what people would consider a "special child". no, it wasn't a demeaning term. it was really what people could categorise him as. since god knows when, jinhwan has always had an observant eye, especially when it comes to tiny, precise details, like the slight crookedness along a fine of a painting on a porcelain china. of course, his friends would call him "extra particular", but that was the mere intrinsic value jinhwan possessed. that wasn't what made him "special". along with his particular nature, came an ability which allowed him to see the very core of one's thoughts or emotions through their shadows. he could see sweet couples casting terrifying shadows of serial killers, drained office workers whose shadows clumped and plodded slowly with backs bent slightly, contrary to how they swaggered. even teenagers with cold expressions whose shadows danced with their earphones plugged in. these were the basis and the fundamentals of their very existence -- their shadow.


it didn't take long before jinhwan chanced upon junhoe in the cafe he was working in part-time. junhoe was lean, and had broad shoulders, those you could lean on when you feel lethargic. he was tall, and his brown eyes gleamed despite his monotonous expression plastered on his face almost 24/7. jinhwan wasn't fulled by his fronting, though. junhoe's shadow fidgeted a lot, his legs shifting awkwardly while he played with his fingers. of course, as days passed (and hours working in the same shift together), his shadow would calm down, only to be replaced by one which would cover his face at random times, as if he was being praised. jinhwan's observations obviously brought him to a conclusion, which he found later on was right, that junhoe had a crush on him. it was puppy love, but jinhwan didn't seem fazed by any of it. after all, being a working adult for a few years of his life, he knew what to expect from high schoolers, especially those with raging hormones (he had assumed junhoe was one). sadly, jinhwan knew only too late that what he saw from junhoe was just the surface, the tip of the ice berg. rumours circulated and spread like wildfire about the scars on junhoe's arms and wrist, his shadow turned into a stick thin a figure, a noose around it's neck. time and tide waits for no man. it was a little too late the day jinhwan decided to ask junhoe, he had gone.


as they say, if a problem doesn't bother you after a few days, it's not worth the anxiety. the problem for jinhwan is that, for one, it's not a problem -- it's a feeling. and two, it has been a few months, but the sole thought of the younger has never left his mind. it was etched, engraved, drilled into his mind so deeply, every passing day bore greater guilt, sadness and ultimately, emptiness. every night was a battle increasing in difficulty, fighting his tears and the words that say "i'm sorry, junhoe". he felt like a criminal -- a disgusting, cowardly and foolish criminal. sometimes jinhwan wonders if he has had feelings he hadn't known about too.


his days started with the usual "good morning" to his acquaintances (by now, friends he considers brothers) in the cafe. to hanbin, who always made him laugh. to yunhyeong, whose antics mused him. to bobby, who would randomly spit rap verses while making coffee. to chanwoo and donghyuk, the newcomers, too. the only difference was the extremely fake smile he bore that stretched from ear to ear. he knew the sun would set just as it did yesterday, he knew time would fly and pass him by faster and faster, he knew night would fall upon jeju soon, and he had everything planned out at the back of his mind.

jinhwan doesn't remember when he has realised it, but people have been passing him by since the minute he stepped out of the confines of his usual four walls, oblivious of his existence. he vaguely remembers the world slowly fading to black last night, as though he was sleeping normally, but harsher. the walk to the cafe was an ordeal, only to be greeted by the tear-stained cheeks and puffy red eyes of his friends. he hated seeing hanbin cry, the one who never failed to lift the corner of his lips up into a beautiful smile. bobby, who spoke with joy in his voice everyday. followed by yunhyeong, donghyuk and chanwoo's bright smiles who makes him feel all fluffy and fuzzy inside. today, they were all crying, gathered in the kitchen. he asked and asked, progressively turning into a scream but an answer never resounded back. panic, delusion and lunacy settled in, feeling like it would last an eternity. the sun hadn't completed half it's journey to setting, but jinhwan has already had enough of the day. he stomped, frustrated but with teary eyes, out of the cafe, his legs bringing him wherever he could think of. his mind was a blur, but as if on cue, he snapped back to reality once he stopped, seeing the large carved stone right in front of him. the tears he held back during those torturous nights flowed freely down his cheeks. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry" he muttered. the sun's persistent rays felt like beams stabbing at his eyes. jinhwan doesn't remember when he has realised it, but as he looked down as the sun's rays shone down on him mercilessly, his shadow was missing.

jinhwan wonders how long it has been since his shadow has left his side.