♥

 

The raindrops hit the small windows, leaving a soft calming vibration in the room. It reminded you of reality and that somewhere far…far away there was the real world. A world where you couldn't just sit there and watch Kim Jiwon resting with his eyes closed. His breathing went on in a steady rhythm and mixed with the tapping sounds of the rain. With every second that passed by, it felt like Bobby stole a little bit of more air in the room, leaving your breathless.

 

He looked so calm, yet you knew there was so much weighting on his chest. Just for this moment you wished that he could all forget it and let go. You wished that you could be the reason to make him let go, to be at least the shoulder that he could just lean on when he needed to. You wondered if he was really sleeping or just pretending to. Was he perhaps dreaming of you? The thought left a perfectly shaped smile on your lips.

 

"Stop thinking so loud, i can't fall asleep", Bobby grinned and opened his eyes. He looked so amused that your right hand automatically landed on his chest to give it a soft punch. Sadly it didn't help to make that red shade of pink on your cheeks go away. You cleared your throat and turned away, "You're stupid", you mumbled along the lines while fiddling with the hem of your shirt. You felt stupid now for watching him ""sleep"", he probably thought that you always sleep-stalked him (maybe you did but that wasn't the point).

 

"Hey now, i'm not stupid", a soft kiss landed on your cheek, "and i don't think you sleep-stalk me…only sometimes", Bobby let out a small laugh and if you weren't so taken aback by the kiss that made your heart beat in such a unsteady rhythm that you thought that you would get a heart attack any second, you would have punched him one more time, maybe this time a little harder. "Anyway", you stood up and took a few steps away from him towards the door, scared he could hear the banging sounds out of your chest, "Your mom said dinner is ready", that wasn't even a lie.

 

"Okay, Thanks", He shot you another smile while standing up. You hated it when he smiled like that, it was a smile you only gave strangers when you didn't want to be impolite. But you weren't a stranger, you knew Bobby half of your life-- maybe even more. And yes, maybe he just wasn't a person to talk about things that bothered him but was it too much to ask for to not at least pretend like he was fine when he certainly wasn't? 

He noticed your eyes observing him and stepped forward to peck your forehead. "I'm fine", he whispered in a low voice, before opening the door. And dammit, how much you hated it when he knew exactly what you were thinking while you had no clue what was going on in that weird mind of his.

 

♥

 

It was still raining when you went outside. The sky was painted black and mixed with the grey clouds that covered the stars, along with the moon which was almost invisible now, if the light didn't stream through the beds of air. The wind was all over the place and you almost couldn't hold your umbrella, when loud throbbing sounds were made from above. 

Wow. That was really what you needed right now, a storm, a stupid storm starting when you were in the middle of the forest that lied between your and Bobby's house.

 

There was another bang, making the ground vibrate underneath your feet when the world enlightened for a second. You would have called it pretty if you didn't feel the shivers of fear going down your spine. You turned around immediately and walked as fast as you could, back to the house you came out a while ago, the way you knew by heart. You didn't notice the black figure walking towards you, until someone grabbed you and a loud scream left your throat.

 

"It's only me!", a familiar voice exclaimed and in this moment an unbelievably amount of relief washed over you. Your heartbeat was still throbbing along with the sky and you didn't realize you were crying until quiet sounds of sobs filled your ears. "It's okay", Bobby reassured you while his arms found its way around your body that felt so small but safe in his embrace, "I'm here", he repeated. He was only whispering but his voice was so clear even if the world was howling in pain right now.

 

You didn't quite remember how you ended up back on his bed that day. It didn't really matter though because he was holding you so closely to his chest, your heart hiding in the safe shell of his existence. Hiding away from the storm. The storm that once took away your loved once and even more loved by Bobby.

 

He didn't need to read your mind to know that you were thinking of her right now and you were sure that he was thinking of her too. When didn't he though? Your best friend who used to be his girlfriend, who used to be his smile and entire existence. And even if you had cursed at her so many times for taking away the only person who owned the key to your heart, you had regretted it the moment she had left this world.

 

"I don't want to lose you too, okay?", his trembling voice broke into your thoughts. He was crying. Your heart cracked open the wounds you once thought of were healed. "It was my fault", he shuddered as if he said something unbelievably obnoxious, leaving you perplexed by his sudden confession. "It was my fault she ran away that night..and--", Bobbys grip around you tightened and you pulled him close.

 

"It wasn't", you were surprised by the firmness in your voice. It wasn't that you doubted your words, it just felt so excruciating to talk right now. "It was her choice to run away. She left us both Jiwon. I know you've been feeling broken since she passed away but i'm here, remember? I feel like you always forget that--", this time it was your voice that trembled. "You both had always forgot me", your heart crushed the moment the words left your mouth because it was the truth. The truth that you had always turned into a lie, just to protect yourself from the painful consequences.

 

He didn't say anything. You knew why and you couldn't help but push him away. "I hate you", you yelled crying, "Why did you even save me?"

 

"Y/N, don't say--", "Do you think i don't know just because you never talk to me about it?", you interrupted him, pulling your feet down to sit on the edge of the bed. The ground felt so cold, so cold and empty just like your entire self that was about to lose the person it was holding on so tightly. His fingers grabbed your hands and your swore you could feel them shake. 

"Don't touch me when you don't mean it", your mind screamed but your heart bled, "You shouldn't have saved me when all you wanted was her instead of me!", it was the last cruel thing that left your awful mouth before you slammed the door shut and ran away when all you wanted was to be back in his arms.

 

Bobby's world fell apart once again. How come this felt even worse than everything he had gone through before. It was even more agonizing than losing his ex-girlfriend. "If you just knew…", he whispered more to you than to himself. But you weren't there, weren't there to listen to the truth he wanted to tell you, his heart that he finally wanted to pour out because he was so sick of holding himself back for the guilt eating him up from the inside.

 

"I know you love her", H/N confessed to Bobby, her heart feeling heavy with the hurtful truth that felt like thousand needles stinging in .

 

Bobby was taken aback by her sudden words and wanted to object when he realized that he couldn't. It was the truth, he thought he had hid so well all this time. The truth that he had loved you all along.

 

Tears were running down her pale face, "I can't let you have her", those were the last she said before she stormed off and never came back…

 

♥

 

Days passed and turned into weeks. Time became a dim light in the darkness of your heart, only hoping for the wounds to heal and to forget. Forget the pain and sadness which had settled deep down into the wispy cracks that already turned it into a habit of feeling like you'd suffocate any second.

 

Love was exhausting, weighting on your entire body like a big heavy house which was full of doors and corridors that guided you to your target one day. But alone the way was too painful, if you took one wrong step, it could all break down and leave even more crumbly obstacles in your way.

 

Dying was easier. It was like an emergency exit which helped you to escape this labyrinth of hardships and reach your destination earlier than you should have.

 

How much you wanted to go through that emergency exit, how much you wanted to stand Bobby on the other side to welcome you in his arms. You knew that he wouldn't, he was already at another spot, another exit which did not belong to you.

 

It even felt exhausting to cry. It felt exhausting to feel. You closed your eyes, in hope to escape those thoughts for just a few seconds that passed by so quickly. Seconds turned into hours and hours turned into days. Yet the pain was still there. The door ringed.

 

Go away.

 

Leave me alone.

 

I hate you.

 

I don't want to see you.

 

The more you lied, the more your heart ached. Your mind fell for it though and kept repeating the words out of habit. It was a sweet illusion of your mind, if you could hate then it would have been easier to forget. How could you hate though, when you were still breathing only to lie in his arms someday. To lie in his arms and pull him closer, to tell him that you actually loved him, so much that you felt like suffocating. That you didn't hate him, never could because he was the reason you lived on, even after your one and only best friend had passed away.

 

You finally fell asleep. Escaping reality just for a little while, before being welcomed by the heavy weight that got a little heavier everyday.

 

♥

 

"This is all your fault H/N", you kneeled down in front of the grave that you had visited ever year, on this exact day. You placed a handful of red roses on the bed of earth which were in beautiful harmony with the white ones someone had placed on here. Every year you told yourself how stupid it was to cry. Tears wouldn't change anything, the salty liquid of sadness would just burn your skin and rip open old scars. Yet you couldn't help it and you weren't sure if you were crying so loudly because you missed her so unbelievably much or because she left this mess of broken fragments behind that cut you with their sharp edges when you tried to stand up and take step forward.

 

"Why did you do this to me?", you rested your heavy head on your knees and continued cursing at her which eventually turned into quiet apologies and silent cries of i miss yous.

 

I miss him, you confessed softly in your head and somehow you felt better even if it was just a tiny little bit. 

 

"I miss you too", there was this voice which always had this enchanting effect on you, the voice you had missed all this time. You turned around immediately and met his tired eyes. A smile crossed his face, a smile that reached his eyes and sparkled with your reflection in. Bobby didn't say anything. He only took a step forward and to your surprise leaned his head on your shoulder.

 

"I'm not okay", he whispered, "Can you please hold me?" Taken aback by his sudden request and actions, you just did as he told you and wrapped your arms around him. Not because he wanted to but because you really needed to. You closed your eyes and inhaled the familiar scent that always had a calming effect in you, even now. 

 

Yeah maybe you should have pushed him away, maybe you should have yelled at him. But you were so tired. There was no strength left to fool yourself. It was so unfair because he had such a firm grip on your heart and could just control as if it was his marionette, while all you could do was hold him in your arms, pretending he felt the same tingly feeling inside when your bodies connected.

 

"It's okay Jiwon, she misses you--", "I miss you though", Bobby interrupted you, his fingers brushing over your cheeks, sending a wave of electricity through each part of your body. "Stop lying", your voice pleaded and you had to close your eyes to not get tricked by that sincere gaze. "You'll never get it will you?", 1, his breath prickled on your skin, 2, his lips brushed over yours, 3, he connected both of your hearts through a gentle kiss. 3 seconds, it took him only 3 seconds to make you completely believe him and fall for his stupid lies. Your fingers disappeared somewhere in his messy hair, only to pull him closer and get more of him. He tasted sweet.

 

Maybe you didn't find your emergency exit, however you did find a little hideaway, you realized. His delicate lips, hungrily kissing away the pain and making it feel like there was nothing to worry about anymore. After Bobby took away all the air that he possibly could get out of your lungs, he pulled away and pressed your foreheads together. Heavily breathing, he placed another kiss on your lips and smiled.

 

"Will you ever believe me?", he wondered aloud, nothing but deep concern hinting in his voice. "I wish you knew just how much you actually mean to me", Bobby's eyes searched for yours and you finally gave in to hold his gaze. You were still dizzy from the kiss and couldn't quite grasp what he wanted you to say, however you really hoped that he wouldn't see the shade of pink on your face because oh how embarrassing if he thought you actually enjoyed that.

 

"Are you seriously worrying about that right now?", Bobby's beautiful laugh resounded into the depth of the breezy evening night, making your heart twitch once more, before he wrapped his arms around you again and pressed your head against his chest. How was he so good at reading your mind, you wondered.

 

"Oh my god…We just made out on a freaking graveyard!", you realized it the moment the words left your mouth. This was not how you had imagined your first kiss with Bobby. "Well, i know a place where we could go one", he whispered into your ear, aaaand Bobby received another punch. "I can feel the love", was all he said before pretending like it really hurt him after you shot him a glare in response.

 

You freed yourself from his embrace and were about to leave the graveyard with him, when his hand grabbed yours and pulled you back. Bobby rested his chin on your shoulder and remained silent for a few more seconds. "You know that i love you, right? I always have", it didn't sound like a lie. And although you really believed him, you couldn't bring yourself to blindly give him the words back, at least not yet. 

 

Though, you couldn't hold yourself back from stealing another kiss from his lips. "Too bad i'm already taken", you ran away as fast as you could as soon as you met the shocking expression on his face, challenging you to play tag. It wasn't long until he had reached you and it was the first time in your life that you were truly happy over the fact that you were a lame and Bobby was always reaching you before the game even started.

 

And maybe, just maybe he was your emergency exit after all.