“You knew he loved your sister to the ends of the Earth! You knew he was sensitive, he’s the baby out of all us. You knew that!” Chanyeol screamed in frustration, tears streaming down his face. Yanking at his hair, he whipped around and grabbed Suho by the collars. A film of tears in his eyes, he shook the body of the man whom he called his friend, brother even. “Then why didn’t you just let them be? You knew Suho, you knew…”

Suho kept his mouth shut. He couldn’t bring it to himself to raise his eyes from the floor to meet Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol was right. He knew that out of all of them Sehun had a soft heart. Despite his cold nature, he was the one that needed the most attention and care. And love.

His chest tightened as he thought of the younger boy.

It was all his fault.

A shaky breath left his lips, shivers running up his spine as he watched the snow fall around them. Dressed in nothing but a silky, black dress-shirt, he couldn’t even feel the cold. Arms limp at his side, he was barely standing on his own two feet. If it wasn’t for the raging Chanyeol hauling him up by the collar, he was sure he would have fallen to the floor in a slump. Head rolling back, he faced the night skies as the falling snowflakes kissed his face. Vision blurred, he looked up at the sky, he certainly deserved to be left as trash on the ground at the moment.

He was supposed to be the group’s leader; the shoulder to cry on, the person to talk to, to one to come to when they needed comfort. But he failed them all this time.

It was all his fault.

---

Turning the cold, silver phone in his hand, Kai gazed at it, his heart heavy. Unlocking it, he held the phone up to his ear. Replaying a certain voicemail again, he listened with a sad smile as a particularly lispy, bright voice filled his ear.

“...Yah, Kai-ah, don’t stay up too late. Sleep tight!” And the voicemail ended with a click.

With nothing on the other end of the line, his hand fell into his lap, all of his energy completely gone. He felt cold, the room felt cold. He wasn’t even in his body anymore.

He no longer felt the softness of the carpet beneath him nor the fluffiness of the bed behind him. He felt nothing. Silence had simply embraced him all together. The emptiness was like a void.

Was this how Sehun felt earlier that week?

This empty feeling in his stomach and heart, his mind a blank slate as he stared up at the starry night. An intangible darkness that just slowly consumed the whole body.

Choking back a sob, Kai gripped the phone in his hand tighter, bringing it to his head.

It was all his fault.

He knew that Sehun had a knack for prank calling all of the members at the craziest hours of the night but he should have answered either way, like he always did. He should have picked up.

But he didn’t.

He muted his phone and threw it somewhere on the floor that night. He heard his phone vibrate again not long after he denied the first call, yet he simply pulled his covered above his head and closed his eyes.

He should have answered.

It was all his fault.

Glaring at the phone in his hand, Kai sighed. Squeezing his eyes shut, he couldn’t take it anymore. Chucking the object at the wall, he watched as a thin hairline crack appear onto the phone’s screen before falling back to the ground.

Screaming into the night, he stood to his feet. Dizzy from the sudden movement, Kai didn’t care as he headed over to his desk. Breathing ragged, he slammed his hands down on the table. Knuckles turning white from how hard he was gripping the edge, he let his anger get the best of him.

The items that were once on his desk were now on the floor, in pieces a moment later, including a particular picture frame.

Falling to his knees, Kai picked up the now shattered frame. Tears dripping on the exposed photo, he clutched it to his chest, not caring that the frame’s glass shards were digging into his skin.

It was all his fault.

---

Head resting in his arms on top of the counter, Baekhyun allowed his vision to become nothing but a white blur. Dipping his finger in the tear droplet that fell from his eyes to the table, he bit back a sob. Drawing a smiley from the single droplet, he let his tears fall freely from his eyes. This time, he didn’t bother to hold it back.

The stupid brat always had a thing for overusing the emoji keyboard. Regardless of who he was texting to or what he was texting about, he had always tacked on an emoji. Sometimes ten of the same one.

A broken laugh escaped from his chapped lips as Baekhyun looked back at the conversations he had had with Sehun. There were more emojis than letters to be honest. No one could really understand Sehun’s method of texting, but slowly Baekhyun did. The younger one wasn’t all that well with words so emojis were his best friend when it came to texting.

Ruffling his bangs roughly, Baekhyun dropped his head to the surface of the table, not caring that he did it a little harder than normal. He deserved it.

It was all his fault.

He should have knew that emojis had always meant something to Sehun. He should have knew those random emojis that he got in the middle of the night meant something. It wasn’t just something that Sehun had done to do on the whim. He should have been able to read into them more.

But he didn’t.

Instead he was out driving out in the night with Chen, Lay, and Kyungsoo. With his head hanging out of the car, feeling the cold, winter winds kiss his cheeks red, he ignored the random emojis that he had received. He had told Kyungsoo to turn the music louder, and hit the accelerator a little more.

He wanted to be free that night.

And free was what he got now as he sat here in the empty bar, feeling nothing. He wasn’t even sure if his heart was beating anymore.

It was all his fault.

---

Gripping the steering wheel, Kyungsoo cried. And shouted. Hitting the steering wheel with his fist, he cried out into the night.

Arcade night was Sehun’s thing. He was one that started the Friday night tradition.

Kyungsoo should've known something was wrong with the younger boy when he rejected the invitation with a sad smile and a whisper of, “Goodbye, hyung.”

He should have known.

He knew that Sehun was never the same coming from Suho’s house that one night. That he knew. That’s why he had invited Sehun to come along with him to the arcade with the rest of them. He, himself, was a quiet person so that’s why he had pulled Baekhyun, Chen, and Lay along.

He missed the way Sehun lips would thin out before curling up into that baby smile of his. He missed the way that younger boy’s eyes were crinkle up into little crescents. He missed the times that Sehun smiled more than he would talk.

It was all his fault.

He should have pulled the boy into his arms, threatening to drink all of his boba tea in the fridge if he didn’t come with them to the arcade that night. He should have taken him regardless of Sehun’s answer.

But he didn’t.

He thought the boy needed some time to himself, to think, to pull himself back together, to mend all the broken pieces.

Now, no matter how much tape or glue, no one would ever be able to fill the void in his chest.

It was all his fault.

---

They had laid on the white ground for the past two hours of their lives.

None of the boys had said anything when Suho and Chanyeol showed up looking scuffed up with busted lips and bloody noses. They simply averted their eyes back towards the night skies, vision blurred as they let the snow continue to fall on them, the coldness numbing their hearts.

Chanyeol had parted from Suho and took his spot at the end near Kyungsoo while Suho laid down in the middle of them all. As he laid down, they all breathed out together, watching their breaths fog up the night.

Gazing at Sehun in the spot between Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, Suho opened his mouth but had to closed it immediately as his emotions got the better of him. Choking on his own tears, he threw an arm over his eyes.

The rest listened to each other’s shuddering breaths and cries as they tried to hold back their own, with no avail.

Rubbing his eyes until it burned, he opened up his mouth again to say that he was sorry but he choked up before he could. Suho felt Kai grasp his hand tightly as the usually loud boy bit his lips, attempting to hold back his tears. Suho then felt two taps on his palm. Glancing over at the boy beside him, he was faced with a pair of lifeless, brown eyes staring back at him. He watched as the boy ran a hand down his face before opening his mouth to say something.

“Sehun-ah…,” as Kai stopped after uttering the maknae’s name, Suho gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, urging him to continue on. “Sehun-ah…, I’m sorry that I was being a bad friend who valued sleep more than a call from his best friend… his brother… his family. I’m sorry that I didn’t picked up. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how much you wanted to talk to me and how much I was going to miss your late night calls with your extremely annoying baby voice. I’m sorry…” Laughing at the end of his sentences, Kai fought hard to stop his voice from cracking, but it did anyways.

Sobbing uncontrollably, he allowed Baekhyun to take him into his arms, patting him lightly on the shoulders.

As he held Kai in his arms, Baekhyun’s shaky breath whistled through air, “And I’m sorry for not taking your emojis seriously maknae. Knew you had a special language of your own but I should’ve attempted to figure out what you were saying Sehun. I’m sorry I didn’t bother to try because I wanted to be free of responsibility for a night. But as your older brother, I should have replied but I didn’t, I’m so sorry, Sehun…”

At the end of the group, Kyungsoo whispered ever so softly into the night but they all heard it, “I’m sorry, Sehun-ah. It was your night, I should have pulled you along. I should have…” He couldn’t continue his sentence anymore, it was all too much. Glancing at the said boy beside him, he mouthed, ‘I’m sorry’ once more before letting his cries rack through his whole body.

Chanyeol returned his gaze from the skies to the younger boy beside him, smiling a broken smile. He reached over and ruffled Sehun’s hair, “Hey, Sehunnie. I see that you’re drinking boba tea…, was it good from where you got it from?”

A weak laugh came from him as Chanyeol waited for the younger boy to reply.

He didn’t.

“I bet it tastes amazing. Well, drink all the boba tea you want because we all know that you won’t be gaining any weight anytime soon.”

At this particular comment, the rest of the boys’ hearts cracked just a little more, eyes filling up with tears.

Shaking his head, Chanyeol jumped up and stood in one fluid motion. Standing there with his head down for a moment, he sighed, heart breaking yet a little more as he looked down tenderly at the maknae of the group. Clutching his chest in pain, he blew a sigh out into the night, his chest burning even more.

One by one, each of them dusted themselves and tried to recomposed themselves. Standing a step behind Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun held Kai in their arms, trying to stop him from crying but it was pointless as they were just as equally as bad. Xiumin stood to the side, hands in his pockets, tears running down his cheeks. Chen and Lay couldn’t take it anymore so they had turned their backs away from everyone, yet it didn’t stop them from stealing sad glances at Sehun. 

Suho was the last to get up; his movements slow, his heart heavy with guilt. Walking over to Sehun, he placed his cold hands onto the boy’s warm cheeks. Tears staining the boy’s shirt, he allowed the winter winds to carry his ‘sorry’ into the dark of night.

Bringing his arm up to wipe away his tears, Suho stuttered between chattering teeth, “Well, us hyungs just wanted to stop by… and say Merry Christmas to our favorite maknae in the world…” At his words, the corner’s Sehun’s lips curled up into a light smile.

Swallowing his tears, Suho whispered, “Merry Christmas Sehun-ah.”

The warmth beneath his fingers turned icy cold. The tender skin of Sehun’s baby face, melted away into nothing but a hard, ebony surface. The pair of lips that curled up into a smile turned into sets of lines engraved into marble.

Oh Sehun

A loved singer, a cherished friend, an irreplaceable brother.

April 12, 1994 - December 10, 2015

Forever in our minds.

Forever in our hearts.

We Are One.

---

[A/N]: Lawd… I’m a crying mess… Why did I decide to write this and post this..?

Well, if you’re feeling particularly sad tonight and needed a reason to cry, read this as you listen to the boys’ new MV.

I apologize in advance for all the tears I’ve caused or will cause.

Night everyone~

xoxo, KP