3:45 am

That's the time I see as I look at my phone

3:45 am

3:45 am

It's been a little over an hour since he uploaded all those pictures at her house. 

An hour since my worst fear was confirmed

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11:24 pm

"Seungyoon.. have you seen Mino??" I say as I exit out of my room. Seungyoon is standing right outside of in the hall our dorm, slipping on a blue jacket. He reaches and softly grabs one of my brown freshy washed locks and I back away. 

"Taehyunie.. well you look extra pretty today" he says as he smiles and leans in closer to me "Mino..?.. uhh.... I don't know.. he left about an hour ago... uh- I don't recall actually.."

I frown "Well.. are you sure?? are you sure he didn't tell you anything? where.. or with who?? is he alone?"

Seungyoon rolls his eyes "you know I really don't know what you see in him... you deserve better you know" he cups my face and stares directly at my lips "you're so beautiful you know... if I was him.. I wouldn't waste the opportunity, since you know, you have a crush on him and all"

I push him off "crush?? no. Not a crush. I just simply care for him a lot"

who does Seungyoon think he is? ing loser... I hate how he almost mocks my feelings... and most of all how he looks at me like that. I might be gay, but he is not my type.. not not at all. Mino is my type. His tan skin, great arms, dark hair, gorgeous eyes, tasty lips... he's so perfect. I should've never asked Seungyoon. I'll ask someone else.

I start to turn on my heels and he grabs my wrist and spins me quickly against the wall and I loose breath.

He leans into me and whispers in my ear as I shiver "you know what I just happened to remembered? Mino is out with a very special lady friend right now. I saw them leave together... but you already knew that right?"

I push him of and slam my door  in my door as my heart sinks into my stomach. It looks like my feelings were right. 

"Taehyunie!!..let's go and eat some Tacoyaki!... come one let's go out" He says as he knocks softly on my door

"I don't feel like it" I say as I feel my blood boiling and slip on my headphones

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2:38 am

I look through my instagram as I squint my eyes, food, food, selca, selca, group picture, Ikon promo from YG, haru <3. when I stubble upon a picture. A picture that says it all a picture that. 

He's at her apartment. At 2 am in the ing morning. 2 am. It's ing 2am. He's really shameless isn't he??! When just a few weeks ago he was tip-toeing into my room almost every night. When just two weeks ago, things were still happening. He should've told me he wanted to see someone. He should've stop putting on that little smirk and pretending everything was okay. Un-ing-believable. Does he think I'm ing stupid???

I punch the wall and throw the notebooks off my desk and papers flutter in the air and and a mix of clutter shatters.

I'll clean that up later.

I throw myself on my bed and I can feel the wetness on eyes but I breathe and swallow.

I swallow the bitterness. 

I wipe any tears on the brown sweater that I was wearing earlier today.

I don't cry over anyone.

I pick up my phone and I don't even dare to like the picture, I just scroll past it. I go on my own account and I sigh. Mino told me I should put more effort into my instagram. He told me I should try to "show more of my interest" and I listened to him. I started upploading things I actually care for. I was motivated by him to give it a shot at using Instagram to connect with my fans instead of doing stupid self promo like other money hungry attention seeking idols do... I did it for him...

I've done many things for him.

I've felt this way since I first laid eyes on him in our trainee days.

From the first moment, to the fanservice hugs, to the way he looked at me, to when things started happening. quietly.. in my own bed that I'm laying on right now. All those countless nights together over this year. In hotels, in the dorms, in Korea, China and Japan... and even though he never said those three words I wanted to hear , although after we were done, he reassured me and held me, I felt it. For the first time in my ing life I felt like I truly loved someone.

I delete most of them.  What's the point?

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3:57 am

I hear some foot steps and I rise from my bed, I follow them, quietly, to the rooftop, trying to make as less noise as I can and there he is. Blue sweater and everything. Smoking as he usually does. I approach him quietly before stopping.

The cold air hits my face as I stand there hesistating. The night is freezing and dark and the wind is howling through the cold building as the white noise from the streets fills the air and grainy lights fill out the background in contrast with the dark blue sky. I shiver as I realize I'm not wearing anything but a white shirt and jeans. I start to walk towards him as I feel my face burn red with the anger.I don't even feel the cold anymore as my face is now numb.

"Mino" I say, loud enough that he turns around as he exhales smoke

He looks at me and a warm smile spread through his face "Taehyun! what are you doing up? what's up?"

Is he seriously acting like nothing is up???? what's up?? what's ing up? you've got to be ing kidding me. The ing nerve.

"what's up?? you know whats up" I say as I glare at him

He spits on the ground and flutters his eyelashes, still not realizing what is going on. Typical. I would be fawning at him right now because as usual he looks handsomer than usual but right now I'm just so ed up, I feel like at just looking at him in the face.

"so you're seeing someone now I guess" I say, raising my voice, I could careless how hears anymore

He inhales quickly as he looks away.

I lean closer "well answer me"

"Yes" he says as he tosses his ciggarette on the ground and looks up "I didn't know how to tell you but you know now I guess"

"You know" as I say harshly "just who in the hell do you think I am?  what kind of person do you take me for? you should've just told me up front. We're all adults here right? "

"I didn't think you would be this upset" he says flatly as he looks away.

I roll my eyes.

"I'm no ing fool Mino" I say "I'm not someone you can just use for your entertainment, I actually have feelings. Even if I usually don't seem like it... you know what.. what was I to you Mino? tell me the truth?? don't play any games"

He shoves his hands down his pockets as he finally looks at me in the eyes " I never loved you, I'm sorry, I thought we both knew that it was only for fun, I care for you as a friend but you have always known I never felt like that towards you, I'm sorry if you thought it meant anything more"

As every word escapes his lips, I feel them individually slice my heart one at a time and all air escapes my lungs.

"I'm not your ing toy" I mutter

Without thinking I swiftly strike him. Right in the left cheek, feeling his warm skin one last time. I dare him to hit me back. I really don't give a anymore. I am so over everything. I should've never given him a second look, I should've never fell for him. I should've never open the door to him at night. I should've never let him in. I should've never let anyone in. They're all the same.

He stares, almost dazed and I turn to leave.

"Taehyun wait- I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I know I deserved that but-" I stop as he continues talking "let's just forget it all.. we can't let this effect the group.. you know we have a comeback soon.. we have to have everything-"

I turn to him and I utter seriously "Don't worry about if i'll be able to continue my part. I will. Worry about yourself and whoever you're seeing. I could care less. Who you see and  what you do anymore is none of my buisness. All I ask is that outside of work you stay away from me. Don't worry. I'm still an idol and a big part of my job making sure the fans continue to believe everything is great as always. Just stay away from me. We never had anything. Nothing ever happened"

Without looking back I hurry to my room and slam the door and sink myself on the other side as I hug my knees.

So this is how it ends I guess. 

I wipe the single tear that rolls off my cheek and again, swallow all the pain.

No one is worth these tears.

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song: Ghost - Halsey

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pls comment your thoughts and if you want a bonus