I wake up from my sleep, feeling so cold.  Maybe the night is cold and the fact that I’m not using my blanket.  I wake up with my Physics book in my hand.  I try to remember what happened last night.  And I remember; I was studying on bed last night, and fell asleep without I meant to do so.  Anyhow, I glance at my watch only to see it is already six in the morning.  So I did sleep well last night.  I don’t even notice it and now it is already morning, really early in the morning.  I still have time, a lot of time, before getting ready for school.

                It is still very silent, not because the family members are still asleep, but in fact, I live alone by myself.  It has been years I live by myself, since the death of my family in a massive car accident, which I didn’t involve.  I slowly getting used to the whole situation without anybody in my life.  I don’t really care what people say about me; expressionless, like a walking zombie in the street.  My life outside this small apartment is only school, which I don’t know the reason why I attend it.  I live depend on what my parents left for me.

                I slowly get down from my bed.  My warm feet touch the cold floor, sending a shocked through my spine.  I ignore the feeling and walked to my study table, where I put down my Physics book, together with the other books.  I switch on my laptop, waking it up from its sleep too.  If ever this laptop can speak, I’m sure to be given a nag, because waking it up too early in the morning.  I don’t care.  The only thing that can help to reduce my boredom is the Internet.

                For a few years time, I never feel love, neither from family or friends. After the shocked death of my family members, I never socialized, and turn into a different person.  I barely speaking and always space out.  I never love somebody either, after the incident.  Losing hope and despair dominates me.  Anyway, there is something helping me; to give happiness, something that I am able to love so much.  I shower my love to K-Pop industry.  Sound ridiculous?  Not to me.  It turns out this thing is the only that helps me laugh, and I devoted my love to it.

                Thus, I open my Internet browser and access to my favourite sites; Daily K-Pop news, allKpop News, Kpoplive, and many more similar sites, which helps to bring me the news of my favourite K-Pop stars.  For some reasons, I really love SHINee, a boy band group that is rising in popularity all over the world.  Every single day, I will access many websites just to get some news about them.  As long as I know something about them, it helps to make up my day, and my smile will never fade even if I sleep.  But, I don’t know that today’s news may not help me to smile anymore.

                Those various websites are showing a same article, as though they have agreed to publish the same news at the same time.  And to be honest, I almost get cardiac failure the moment I read the news.  Should I or should I not believe it?  SHINee’s Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung are confirmed dating!  I scroll down the article and I take time to digest all the information into my brain.  It is hard for me to believe.  I rather shut down my computer and just pretend like nothing happened.  I rather go to sleep again and waking up find this is only a dream.  Jonghyun is the member of SHINee whom I like the most, and to know that he is dating a famous actress, it is quite heartbreaking for me.

                I never experience love from guys, maybe because I’m too scary to be with; such a quiet girl I am.  Nevertheless, I never love any guys, for I never really believe in love.  Or maybe I’m too scared to love someone, because I’m a bit traumatized losing the people I love the most in life.  However, I somehow fell in love with somebody about two years ago.  The moment I saw SHINee’s debut music video, with the song Noona Is So Pretty, I immediately fell in love with his voice, Jonghyun’s voice.  After a while, when they started to rise in popularity and appeared in reality shows, I started to develop a feeling towards him, not because of his voice, but more than that, because I love his true self that is shown by him in those reality shows.

                The feeling is not because I’m a fan, it is too pure.  I just don’t know how to describe, but after so long I never love someone; I’m sure he is the only one I love after my family.  I love him, sincerely, purely and deeply from my heart.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stalker though.  I just love him but that doesn’t mean he is mine, I know and completely aware of that.  I’m aware that he has millions fans out there that waiting for him to love them too.  Anyhow, I still am very loyal, totally defensive when it comes to him.  I still hope that I can give him my love, not as a fan, but more than just a fan.  But, I don’t really have a choice.  I have to stay loving him as fan.

                The fact that he is now dating someone else is just too shocking.  I supposed to be happy as a fan, who always will support him in what he is doing.  But somehow, I feel betrayed.  He is lying all this while, telling people he is going to entertain his fan, makes people happy with his song.  But now, how am I going to feel happy when he is not keeping his words?  How am I going to feel happy when he is not singing his song for his fan, but actually for his special someone?  I can’t find the innocent side of him anymore, as I watched him before in SHINee’s Yunhanam and SHINee’s Hello Baby.  Before this, when I looked at his glassy eyes in those reality shows, I can see something deeply very sincere from him towards his fans.  But now, it is all gone.  There’s nothing in his eyes for his fans.

                Through those various website, I know that fans are furious.  Of course, maybe they feel the same as I feel, betrayed.  SHINeeWorld, or Shawol all over the world are quarrelling online.  Some of them support him, some of them bashing.  I don’t know I belong to which side, but there’s mixed emotions in my own heart.  I want to take this positively; I will continue supporting him, no matter what.  I try to calm down, although my heart shatters into pieces.  I should be happy right, for him to get his true love, although part of me is cursing him.  I put my face into my hand and try to calm down.  I must take this positively, no matter what.  I must continue to support him although I can feel something is so wrong about this, it is hurting too much.

                Then, I look up and I almost shout because of shock.  I turn out to be in my room, still in my room.  But, how on Earth there’s a girl here, crying beside me?  I look at her.  She is crying and from the way she behaves, looks like she is not going to stop.  She won’t stop crying, that is what I’m very sure about.

                “Who are you?  Why are you crying?  And how on Earth you could get into my room?” I ask her, trying to make out a conversation.  She looks up to me, and I am able to see her swollen eyes.  This girl, maybe she cries for too long.  I am not usually care about people, even if they cry.  But somehow, this girl gains my attention, because of her eyes.  From her eyes, deep into her eyes, I can find despair, grief and sorrow.  I look into her teary eyes, stare deeply into them, and I can feel something stabs my heart.  The unhappiness eats me too; I can feel what she feels.  I try to become gentler towards her.

                “Hey...Girl...Why?  Why are you crying like this?  Want to share?” I ask her.  I am confused on how she is able to get into my room, but somehow, I feel responsible towards her.

                “I am disappointed,” that is all what she says.  I look at her, waiting for another explanation.  But, she continues to be in silence.  Feeling as though I am the one who is deaf, I speak again.

                “Why?” the third ‘why’ from me, and I guess she gets bored, or maybe annoyed.  But, surprisingly not.  She answers my question, which I have to really give my attention to her, because it is hard to hear with those sobs she makes.

                “I’m heartbroken,” she says and I couldn’t help but to feel the same.  We are in the same shoe.  I am also heartbroken, because of the news I read just now.  Truthfully, I am heartbroken.  I’m hurting too much, more than I could handle, just that I pretend nothing happen.  There’s a moment of silence, before she decides to continue.

                “All this while I only love him, I devoted my love only to Kim Jonghyun.  I support him all this while, I have been so defensive for him all this while, I even cry when something bad happen to him.  My love for him is unconditional, that is the most significant.  But, what do I get?  A disillusionment?” she asks.  I keep quiet as a sign for her to continue her words.

                “When I accessed the website and read the news, I somehow hope that it was only a rumour.  But I knew that all things stated there are true.  Do I have the power to change the whole thing?  No, obviously not!  So, I just cried the whole night,” she says.  I feel sympathy towards her, but I feel hopeless myself.  I’m sad because of the same reason too.

                “Well...I have the same feeling as you.  But...don’t you think we should be happy because our favourite star is now happy with his own girl?  Moreover she is his ideal type.  Don’t you think he is happy with his lucky girlfriend, thus we should be happy for him too?” I ask her, as though making a statement.  She sighs and continues to cry again.

                “I saw the happiness, but somehow the hatred overweighs all the happiness.  I can’t accept the fact that the whole SHINee is ruined because of this.  They fight because of that one girl?  Who is that girl?  Jonghyun is selfish.  He lives with SHINee for two years already, growing up with them for the whole two years.  But, this time, he gets the choice to choose between his relationship and his friendship, he chose his relationship.  I can’t believe it.  He chose a girl that he only knows for about a few months,” she says.  I stare at her in shock.  What about SHINee fighting?  I don’t know this.

                “What are you talking about?  What all this stuffs about them? Fight?  I think you are wrong somewhere.  I thought it is only about Jonghyun dating Sekyung?” I start to shoot the girl with too many questions.  I’m so curious.

                “It is all over the Internet.  You should know,” she shows me the real phenomenon that is happening right now.  How can this be so fast?  I look at my laptop’s clock.  It shows the date; a day after.  Oh God!  I lose track of the date?  How can?  Is this illusion?  I thought it is still 27th of October.

                “What day is today?” I ask her to make sure of the day.

                “Thursday,” she says it with a sob.

                “How can I don’t know?” I ask her, frowning.  I feel stupid myself.

                “You never care about the day, aren’t you?” she says, with frustration in her eyes.  I keep quiet again.  There is a tense silent between us before she speaks again.

                “Clearly, truthfully, I no longer see this in him, in Kim Jonghyun.  He is no longer sincere, no longer pure.  I can see it through his eyes.  He is a star...he can stand there because of his fan.  All this while, he sings the song for his fan.  But, can’t you see it?  He is no longer singing the song for us.  It is meant for her, his girlfriend, she-who-must-not-be-named.  I only can feel the song is dedicated to me when the other members sing it.  But, when it comes to his part, I can sense no feeling.  Truthfully, I feel betrayed.  He is able to stand as himself today because of fans,” she says.  I continue to hear it, although I have to curse my heart to stop crying because I find out her words are somehow undeniable.

                “I am disappointed, feel betrayed.  All this while I support him, know each single thing that is happening to him.  But, somehow...he never really appreciates that much, isn’t he?  I mean he is not able to be a popular idol without fans with him.  He wo