I love her.

I love her and she believes I’m the only one who does;

At least.

How do you love someone who is unsure of herself?

How do you care for someone who needs more than you can give?

How do you tame a wild heart?

Life can be very, very unfair sometimes.

She and I were born from well off families. She’s smart and beautiful. We were raised in a lifestyle where we can do whatever we want, buy whatever we need. I am from a family of a business magnate, and she, from a family of educators. We had all we need, and yet she didn’t think she had it all.

I, on the other hand, feel very blessed to be born in this life. Like my parents, I carried on their dreams for me to follow the path they’ve set. Two years ago, I got into a prestigious University in Seoul, and as expected of me, I took up Business and Economics. It was all too fun. I loved school. I loved the routine. Two more years of this and I’ll be off to achieve the biggest of my dreams. It’s simple, really – help my parents then let them retire early. I wanted to be able to come home to them, throw them a party or give them tickets to travel around the world. As for myself, I want to settle down – settle down and have a family. I want to go to work, earn money and come home to my wife.

We talked about it a lot, Hyun and I – what our future would look like. She wanted to live in a simple house, unlike the mansions we grew up in. She wanted two kids, though I wanted three. We want to have a simple wedding with our close friends and families. She’s simple in every way, but only I know how grandiose her ideas are, and how wild her heart is.

We met during high school and there we became best friends. She was really cute back then. She wore glasses, and she had these ridiculous braces on. She was a stuck up nerd, her long hair never seemed to be combed at all. She loved the messy look, and though sometimes she felt like she looked like she didn’t shower that day, I thought she was beautiful. A+’s painted her academic cards, and I couldn’t be any more proud of her. She wanted to be a teacher back then, like her dad. I knew then I had a different taste in women, or maybe her heart was just too beautiful I can’t unsee how cool and perfect she was.

We broke up once that time. Yeah, yeah, best friends break up, too! I was stupid to fall in love with someone else. She didn’t approve or disapproved of my choices. She simply smiled at me when she knew. That time, I didn’t think about choosing between them, really. I love her, she’s my best friend. I love the other, she’s my girlfriend. I thought it was different between them, but I was wrong. One day, she just shut me out and never talked to me again. One random night, she sent me a message telling me we shouldn’t be best friends anymore.

I thought she was angry with me. Months passed and every time I bumped into her in the corridors of the school, she would roll her eyes at me. I found it cute, though. It’s her charm. I wanted to talk to her most of the times, but I wasn’t sure if she’s mad at me. Maybe she was, I wasn’t so sure.

It went for a year and of course, things didn’t work out with me and my girlfriend back then. My heart wasn’t satisfied. I felt numb. I knew I felt love much stronger than she ever did love me. I waited. I waited for the perfect opportunity so I can reach out to Hyun again, because I knew she’s the only one who can love me the way I wanted to be loved.

One day though, fate grew impatient of us and brought us back together. Ah, I remember that night. Since we were both active in school, we were invited to an interschool conference along with other students. I was representative for academics, and she, surprisingly, for performing arts. That was the first time I heard her sing, and God, her voice was breathtakingly beautiful.

That night, I found her alone outside the girl’s dorm, sitting quietly on the grass, her hair dancing in the cool wind. From afar, she looked like watching the starts twinkle in the sky but I knew better that she looked up aimlessly. Her vision was so bad that even in her glasses, she can’t see them. I remember squinting my eyes and covering my mouth as I realized it was her. She cut her hair short, like pixie-cut short. She must’ve cut it after her performance, since I remember her long locks tied to a ponytail in the morning. I gathered my senses and all my courage and walked up to her.

She looked at peace, but her eyes said otherwise. There was a rebellion going on her mind, and I knew that with one look. She stared at me for a while in silence, and then she went back to look at the stars, or at least looked like she was looking at them, right after I sat beside her.

“Hi, Baekhyun.” I greeted her. Saying her name gave a familiar taste on my mouth. It has been so long since I called her that.

“Hi, Chan.” She simply greeted back with a subtle smile on her face.

By then, the magic happened once again. Love felt too real, and there I realized once again the perfection of this girl. She’s amazingly witty. She made me laugh for different reasons and I loved hearing her voice. We caught up with what happened the months we didn’t talk. I took my time to apologize to her, but she turned it down. I don’t know how she can say that it was her fault after all those months.

I was at fault. I lost her in my stupidity and I knew I owe her an apology, but never once did she accept it. I realized then that she loved me all too much; too much that I broke a little part of her heart.

She told me about the months we were apart. She told me she quit the math club, which is her favorite thing in the world, and joined the performing arts club. I never saw her on stage though. Her singing this morning was the first time. She told me about the boy who courted her in school, the principal’s pet as everyone called him. He was an okay guy, and though he looked like he’s the ideal man every highschooler would dream of having as a boyfriend, my Hyun found out first hand that it wasn’t so.

She cried. My Baekhyun cried in front me talking about him. She pitied herself so much I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, but then I knew it was my fault she felt alone those times. I left her vulnerable. I left her needing a companion, and someone else abused the emptiness she had in her heart. I watched her tears flow as she told me over and over that he was her biggest mistake.

“I was happy at first.” She explained in between her tears. “He loved me but I was never enough. He chose her…” she continued with every single word piercing my heart. It was as if she was talking about me. Guilt swelled up my heart and regret put my mind in a haze. “She chose her and left me. He then told me we should get back together, but he told me after a week that he loves her, and we won’t work out.”

For the second time in her life, she felt like the second option. I was her first, and someone else broke her again. Her heart now was broken beyond repair - which I realized.

“I don’t want to be someone else’s option, Chan. I can’t anymore.” She sobbed.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized once again. It was all that I could think of. Our past bounded me from comforting her. I broke her once, and I didn’t know if I can handle her fragile heart. So I said “I’m sorry” a few more times before she stopped crying.

“It’s okay, Chanyeol. I forgave you since day one.”

Since that night, I gave her all my time. I called her in the middle of the night and woke her up with sweet ‘good morning’ texts. Slowly, we gained our friendship back. We didn’t do labels, but I knew then she’s my perfect pair. I loved her. I loved how sweet and caring she was. I loved her company. She was never boring. She made me laugh because of her unusual gimmicks, and she always called to me to hang out. After school, we would go the nearest mall and eat something, and then I was to walk her home and greet her parents.

I loved her. I really did, and so one night, over the phone, I told her what I feel. I expected her reaction, really. She said she loved me, too, all these years. She loved her best friend Chan. She loved me.

After that one night, we destroyed our individual walls and built anew around us. We found a love bubble just for the two of us. She was perfect. She was all I ever asked for, and I was more than happy to feel her love again. Our families were more than happy to hear the news. Her parents liked me, and my parents liked her, too.

Months later, we graduated from high school and were both accepted into an international school in Seoul. We chose not to part, and so we went through the whole process together. She went for a degree in Education, and I, in Business. University was fun, too. I found a band I can jam with, and Baekhyun was happy to join. In our vacant times, we would roam our university’s grounds and find the weirdest of things. We found an abandoned basement in one of the buildings. She stole the rooftop key from the janitors’ room. I found out that the school founder was actually buried by our building, and rumors said he haunts those who are in detention. Yes, detention in University, which is really uncommon. She discovered a love seat in the park where there was a vandal that said ‘Love thyself, and I will find the half of your heart.’ There was a rumor that anyone who sat their truly found their love also sitting on the same bench as them. I didn’t believe it, but I never sat on it. I knew I already found the half of my heart, and it was Hyun.

My first term in University was really okay. I gained some new friends, and I discovered a lot of things that I can actually do. As much as I love the business world, I loved music, too. I joined the school band, and we were like the stars of University. We often played in school with me on drums. Baekhyun didn’t join us eventually, since she opted for a really quiet university life. She would sing with us during practice sessions, but in live performances, someone took her place.

Everything was fine during the first term, until the last day.

She came to me crying. It was the first time since our talk in the conference. I was baffled, really. I didn’t know what was wrong. I asked her what’s wrong, but she simple shook her head in response. How was I supposed to comfort her if I didn’t know what’s wrong?

She said she wanted to skip the last day of school, so we did. I took her by the Han River to relax, and calm her mind. We sat there for three straight hours and never did she say a single word. She would cry and stop and cry again without telling me her heartaches.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” I murmured as I pulled her to my chest. She simply hugged me tight, and cried harder.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.” I said again.

“I’m fine.” She lied.

It went for about two days more, and on the third day, she came out the house, as I fetched her that morning, looking really, really stunning. She dyed her short hair blonde and styled it in an androgynous way. She even had make-up on, a tint of pink on her lips and eyeliner completed her look. She wore contact lenses then, and her eyes sparkled like the sun. She looked bright and really, really beautiful.

“Hey, beautiful.” I called to her. She smiled shyly, and I felt relieved to actually see her smile again. She waved a hand, and a thought of decorating her long slender fingers came to my mind. I promised myself I’ll buy her a gift.

“Hi, Chan.” She replied.

We went out for a date, and I noticed the looks strangers would give her. I felt proud and very lucky to stand beside her. I about looking like a nerd just two years ago, and there she was, looking like her age, beautiful and elegant in her own way. Her make-up was on point, and that’s in a man’s point of view. I was whipped, hands down.

Of course, as planned, I pulled her into a jewelry store and searched for us a pair of rings. Surprisingly, it was the first we didn’t agree on something. She liked the thin simple rings, and I, the bulky ones. She was thinking of getting gold, and I, silver. I can’t remember how our argument went, but at the end of it, we bought silver thin rings, a fair compromise, I believed.

After shopping, we went out to stroll around the park by the river, and sat on one of our favorite benches. She was incredibly quiet, and I was contemplating if it was because of something I said. Was she mad? Didn’t she like the rings? Questions were running in circles in my mind. I can’t seem to read her in the past days, but I was willing to wait until she opened her heart to me again.

I watched her as she played with the ring on her finger. It looked good on her. The silver complemented her pale skin. I imagined how it would be when I put a diamond ring on her. I smiled to myself. She’s all I ever could dream for to be with. I knew one day I’ll put that ring on her.

“You don’t like it?” I asked, uneasy of her silence.

“I love it, Chan. It’s really beautiful. Thank you.” She replied.

“You seem so quiet since we bought them.” I said as I took her hand. “Is there something wrong?”

I was expecting to hear from her about the gold rings she wanted, or how expensive the rings were or something like that, but what came out of her lips were way too different from them.

“I have a dream, Chan.” She said as she looked at me with hopeful eyes. Her eyes started to sparkle, like a fire ignited with the mention of a dream.

“What is it?” I then asked, intrigued.

“I want to live outside the country.” She answered, “I want to travel the world as a stylist, or maybe a singer. I don’t know.”

The confession took me by surprise. It was as if I was with a different Baekhyun at that specific moment. I remember her as the ever studious Hyun, the one who loved reading books and reciting in class. She was a nerd inside, we both knew that. I knew she wanted to be a professor one day, and her dream now is far from it.

“What changed your mind?” I simply asked, still unsure if my approval was even needed. She looked… happy.

“I have no idea. I seem to have a knick with make-up, don’t you think?” She smiled.

“Yeah, you’re good, but you’re already beautiful without it, so make-up is just a plus.” I replied, pulling her close to my side.

“Don’t sweet-talk me now, Chan. This is serious.” She giggled, equally smitten. “I mean it. I want to be a stylist to the stars, you know. I want to go to Fashion Weeks all over the globe, and be the most sought after stylist there is. I want to go on making brides beautiful, have my models on magazines and stuff like that. I know this is sudden, but it’s a big dream.”

By then, I knew she can’t be stopped. She’s the kind of girl that when she loves something, she can never replace it – the same with her love for me. She’s the kind to lock her eyes on something and hold onto it until the end. I’ve never seen the sparkles in her eyes when we talked about her teaching dream, unlike then. I knew she had the dream embedded in her heart until she got to see its fulfillment. All I can do was to support her.

“Okay, Baekhyun, but I’ll still be beside you, then. I’ll support you no matter what.”

She threw her arms around me in joy, and was giggling on her own, whispering sweet ‘thank you’s’ to my ear. When I pulled away, I saw her tear-strained face and the confusion began in my head again. I thought everything was fine, but it seemed not.

“Hey,” I murmured, wiping the tears away, “if you’re happy why are you crying?”

“My parents wouldn’t let me.”

Second term came like a breeze, and though she wanted to drop out of university already and transfer schools, it didn’t work out. Her parents seemed to push her into finishing the course, and until then, her dream will be on hold.

I watched her bloom and grew more mature over the months, her sense of fashion improving everyday. Her ‘girl’ days were long done, and everyday I get to see and be with the woman she is now. I was of course, pressured to improve myself, or else I would like a bodyguard behind her. She laughed at me most of times when I brought it up, and helped me instead in choosing what shirts I should buy next time. Her taste was exceptional, and she was confident in it. I looked dapper, and our friends would often tease us about being the fashionista couple of the university.

She started trends in Uni. She dyed her blonde hair into red and it was an instant hit. Every girl tried it, and she had to change it to lavender to set herself apart. She wore heels in school, which I loved by the way, but when everyone wore them, too, she would wear flats or basketball shoes instead. She lived her dream in the confines of the university, and in no time, she was already being sought after by a lot of people for a make over.

There was one time she was asked to help her class’ representative for a pageant for University week. Their department won the whole thing, thanks to her matchless technique on pushing out the best from their representative. Their rep was beautiful, but of course, she was even more beautiful that time when she wore this black over-alls and heels, her hair styled up, and her wine lips smiling at me from a far. She looked pro that time, and I can’t help but feel proud.

More and more projects came to her during the whole term, and a friend of mine who loved photography came to her to propose a collaboration project. Kyungsoo, my photographer friend, took Baekhyun to one of his stints, and told me she enjoyed it to the fullest. I saw the fireworks in her eyes as she told me about how the models seemed to be very fond of her skills. She said the photos looked good, and she was planning on working on her own collection soon. Kyungsoo was really glad of the discovery, and was excited about helping her out.

In a few weeks time, I proudly scanned her album, the completion of her collection. She looked so happy as I flip the pages and check out the different l