"(y/n)-ah!"

she turns around, looking at me with a smile that would always give that ache inside my heart. she reached out her hand to me, asking me to grab it. i obliged,  stepping over the rail and look down, seeing the cars, streets and other buildings beneath us. i turn to look at our tangling hands, tightly gripping each other. My eyes rose up to look at her beautiful face, looking ahead of her, her eyes wondering over the scenery like it was amazing to her.

“you’re not going to jump, right?” my mouth blurts out that one stupid question.

She turns around, surprised but then laughed at me. She laughed.

“yah! You pabo! Do you think I’m that stupid enough to jump?” she paused. “I’m not like you, thinking like that.” she turn back to the scenery.

“then what are you doing here in the first place?”

“I’m bored.” She mutters, finally pulling her hand away, delving inside her pocket and walk around the railing fearlessly. My hand felt the sudden coldness from the broken touch. It could probably the wind, but there are no winds here except the occasional breeze coming through due to the massive height in the building.

“(y/n)-ah, be careful..” I mumbled, watching her walking back and forth over the railing. She looks so completely carefree, her arms spreading wide, imagining that she was flying.

“don’t worry. I will.”

My eyes snapped open when I feel a sudden coldness on my cheek. I gaze to my right, the sudden coldness move over to my nose. I hear that cute laugh again.

“ice cream?” she offered, pushing it to my hand when I nodded. She sat next to me, holding a packet on her own, ripping it and pull out the ice cream. I sat up from my resting position and did the same, looking ahead of me while tasting the sweetness of the ice cream at the tip of my tongue.

I turn to look at her, watching her eyes wondering around at the scenery ahead of her again. She always did that. she never spoke that much since we first met. She’s not the quiet type, but enough to make people feel comfortable with her presence. Like what she did with me now.

She has her own charms.

“don’t you want to get a boyfriend or something? Why do you bother to hang around with me?”

She turn to look at me, as if she’s expecting that question from me. She look down at her ice cream before smiling softly at it. Weird kid.

“I don’t want to. Wae, got a problem with that?” she mocked. I rolled my eyes at her, bumping our sides slowly. She giggled.

“ani. I’m just curious.” I defended myself. I don’t want to offend her. She bit on her part of ice cream and chew on it, not answering for a while. I thought that it was the answer for my question, so I turn back to look infront of me.

“I can’t love.” Her firm, yet soft tone ringing through my ears. I turn to look at her surprised.

Can’t love?

“what do you mean?”

She smiled, and I swore that she was playing around with me, until her smile disappeared.

“I can’t love.” She repeated again.

Silence.

I pull her hand as she whined, not liking to be out on the sunny days by the beach. I keep my grip tight on her as we walk on the warm sand in the morning. She stopped whining, walking next to me, finally surrender herself to the reality that I won’t let her go no matter what.

“aish, jinja..” she mutters. I grinned at her.

“you’re stuck with me forever.” I chirped. I was expecting her to be all snarky and returning that smirk I gave to her, but she sighed and let out a soft smile at me.

“if only.”

I stopped and turn around to meet her. She snapped out of it and glanced at me in confusion, wondering why I stopped. I gripped her face, leaning my head down to her, hesitating for a bit.

Here goes nothing.

I lean more, capturing her lips softly in mine. I figured that she was stunned, but after a few moments, her lips moved with mine in sync. I her cheek with my fingers, tracing her soft skin over my rough hands.

It felt good. Finally I feel like I did something right for the first time in my life.

But it could also be the end of our friendship.

But I’m taking my chances.

“you’re going to be stuck with me forever.” I whispered, pulling away from her.

“I love you.” My voice croaked, both hands grasping her face, caressing her skin gently. I was afraid that she would break, or worst, run away from me, not seeing me forever.

Her eyes filled with a sudden rush of emotions. But as she blinked them, her eyes was soulless.

“I’m sorry. But I told you that I can’t love.”

“even me?” I whispered. She sighed, pushing my hands away and nodded. Her eyes soulless, nothing but emptiness inside.

“I told you already. You need to understand.”

“what is there to understand?!!” I backed away from her, gripping my hair in frustration. “if you would just tell me, then maybe I would!!” I barked at her. her lips tightened into a thin line.

“look, I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I really do. I can’t love. Not now, not ever. We don’t have a chance to be together. You need to find someone else.”

I could feel my heart clashing, breaking into pieces. Not only that she rejected me, she even told me that we don’t even have a chance together.

“fine then!” I whip my body around, leaving her. I need to mend myself before I could ever see her again. It would take days or weeks, but I don’t want to continue treating her like that eventhough I’m going to be in a friendzoned line forever.

I tried calling, again and again.

“sorry, you have dialled the wrong number”

What wrong number? I grab my belongings and strut out from my room, passing my friends who are too busy watching the soccer rather than asking about my whereabouts. I walk to my car, revving up the engine and drive through her apartment. Making sure than I still have the spare key to her apartment.

I knocked on her door once, twice, before pulling out the key and stuck it into the doorknob, unlocking it.

“(y/n)-ah?” my voice rang around her place. And it keep echoing. I dropped the keys accidently when I discover that her place was empty, except for a black box in the middle of the room. I walk to the center, gazing around the room, hallways..

It was empty. Spotless.

I thought that if (y/n) was about to move, she would have called, or texted me about her new address. Or even mentioned it to my friends so that they could’ve told me that.

My feet stopped infront of the box. My eyes was glued on it for a moment before crouching down, picking up the box.

Surprisingly, it was weightless. Like it was nothing. But I was wrong when I opened it, finding numerous pictures, an album of my group when we first released our first ever album, and even a folded paper.

I pick up the paper, opening it and began to read.

“dear _______,

I’m sorry for not telling you this, but if you had found the paper, it means that I am dead.

Yes. I am. I wrote for this in advance because I know that you would be coming to find me sooner or later on. And I don’t want to leave you hanging.

Remember how you said that I’m going to be stuck to you forever?

And what did I said?

“if only.” Her words rang through my mind, bringing me back to that day. But I snapped out of it and keep reading.

If only. If only I could when I knew so well that I couldn’t when I’m on the brink of my death. That’s why I couldn’t.

And remember when you asked me why did I wasted my life hanging around with you?

“I can’t love,” how could I ever forget about that?

I’m sorry for hurting you like that. I really am. I did told you to move on. Because I know that if you would still harbor any feelings for me, you would end up heartbroken. You deserved someone that would actually stay with you for as long as they can. And that someone is not me.

I tried pushing my feelings away when it comes to you. And ever since our fight, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you, until my last day, but you’re too busy. Living as an idol was not easy, right? I want us to end up in good terms, but I guess time are not that generous for someone who is dying like me.

I feel a sting in my eyes, but I wiped it away so that I won’t drench the paper.

I remembered how you confessed. I do really, really want to say it back infront of you. But I can’t. I had to save both of us from heartbreak. I had to save YOU from one, even if it means that I’m going to suffer in the end.

“ani.. we’re both the same..” I whispered.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think that worked, right?

Go ahead, laugh.

I let out a small laugh. “pabo.”

But in the end, it’s still not going to work out. Mianhae.

The most valuable things that I could passed to you was our pictures, my pictures, your pictures, and your group’s first album. I bought that, you know? Even if you’re pouting saying that I didn’t support you. I did. Even if I didn’t manage to buy all of them. I still have one, as my dedication as a fan to your group. To you.

I turn to look at the contents inside the box. The pictures and the album. I smiled to myself.

_____,

And now that you found me here, I’m sure that you would be visiting me in my new home instead, right? I hope to see you there, it’s not creepy right?

And I hope to mend your heart a little with these small things, even if it’s fruitless.

Mianhae.

Saranghae.

I’ll be watching over you, helping you to succeed in the future.

Yeobo, fighting!

Love,

(y/n).

I feel breath ragged. my knees weakened, betraying me as i fell to the ground, letting the tears dropping by in a rush. I did nothing to pleased her until the end, yet she still wrote her letter to me like she was happy to be with me after all this time.

I was an idiot for not knowing about her. I should’ve been more curious. But I failed.

Now, she was gone. I could never get her back like I wanted her before.

Not even as a girlfriend, nor a friend. I would still be in that same friendzoned line.

But this time, both of us couldn’t undo that past.

She was gone. Forever.

“if only I could make you stuck with me forever..” I whispered, closing my eyes and lay my back on the cold, hard ground.

“saranghae, jagiya. I’ll visit you later.” I voiced out loud, not caring about people hearing and thinking that I’m crazy. I will make her hear my voice so that she knows that I won’t ever forget my first love for her.

If only I can turn back the time.

If only I didn’t turn my back at you at that time and keep fighting.

If only you would accept my love and be happy for once, with me.

If only you would tell me the truth..

“if only.”