"Do I really know or do I acknowledge it? "

 

"Light."

The sun rises, people go on with their lives.

I do what they do, because I don't know why I am alive. I live for the reason of living. It is simple and I like it as I don't relate to people who say they don't feel like living. Effort is what I have and I give it to people who are happy to see me.

Do I acknowledge that I am wandering around or am I wandering around to acknowledge it?

There are days where I like to stay locked up in my room with no contact and not eating with the excuse of "I don't feel like it". It is where I stay in my mind as it wanders around through various things that keeps me awake till my eyes close and I drift off only to wander in my dreams.

The moon shines, the only thing that illuminates people of the night.

I do not have this light in me, I am afraid of the dark. The dark contains the unknown and what people don't know, they fear. It is a light that guides people in their path, or something that glistens in their views. 

When I am with them, I feel secure, feel their light glinting off them and shine on me for awhile. It makes me feel happy, so I relish in the time I constantly spend with them. There were so many days spent wasted as we laughed and laughed till our cheeks hurt and we feel tired but satisfied. 

But there will be some kind of hollow within me. I can never find it, as if it was born within me to haunt me just as their light slowly wear off. Thus, it is a repeated cycle of constantly feeling void and filled over and over again. I feel as though I do not belong, yet there are times I catch myself feeling like home.

There things worth living for and things worth dying for. I just didn't know the difference.

"Remember."

  Jin feels lost.  He wakes up one day at the age of seven, in a orphanage and remembers nothing except his name and age. Where he came from, who are his parents or how did he ended up here, nothing to be recalled at all. He stayed there for about ten months that were spent meaninglessly doing chores and re-reading books daily, only to be adopted by a couple who had a son.
 
They introduced themselves, Kim Hiro and Lee Eumin, and explained their situation; their youngest son had been involved in a car accident and died while their oldest son survived but he was depressed at the loss so they wanted to adopt a son to relieve the pain. Jin merely nods and accepts everything thrown at him since he doesn't really know what to do or that he really doesn't care. As long as he could help someone, he'll be fine with it. They bring him home after settling documents and changing his surname and Jin fits in nicely.

His step brother, Kim Myungsoo, was hard to approach at first, as he was rejecting Jin over and over again but he was persistent. Myungsoo had slowly forgot the pain as Jin held him one night in his arms, feeling awkward for the first time ever. He just didn't know what to do with someone sobbing their heart out to him. In the end, they became like real brothers but Jin never confides in his brother.

Jin never reveals what he thinks. Because he believes that he doesn't belong.

When asked,'What do you want to be when you grow up?' Jin would answer that he wants to be himself. He does not have a dream nor does he want to. He's an empty void and doesn't exactly know what's wrong with him. He smiles, laughs and enjoys his life but somehow there's always this empty feeling within him that he couldn't explain.

This is where Nara comes in.

 




They say wandering around is just a waste of time.
But what if time wasted was better than being the same everyday?



- ☁

 

 

He had been pulled over by one of his friends a few moments after they had entered. He thought that he couldn't leave her alone at all at a place like this. But someone had patted him on the back and told him to loosen up since he had been straining his neck to catch a glimpse of her. So, he takes the drinks they hand him and laugh at their jokes while the back of his mind itches with thoughts of her.

After continuously downing drink after drink, he made an excuse of using the bathroom and they dismissively wave him away. Pushing pass drunken bodies and countless girls throwing flirty comments at him, he stumbles to the kitchen and breathes a breath of relief. Finally, he thinks and was about to head upstairs to look for his friends when he heard tinkling laughter. It was Yoobin's voice along with someone else, someone more alive.

Literally, the voice was laced with so much life that he could feel himself be filled in his being with the mere sound of laughter. The feeling was very similar to when he was with his best friends.

It didn't make sense, he knew that, but when it comes to him nothing actually made sense anyways. Like his thoughts, for example. The sound of his heartbeat became louder and faster when the sudden thought of him being the one who caused that laughter.

'It hurts.' Something stabs him in the chest. Unconsciously, his hand reaches towards his shirt, right where his heart was. And for once in his entire life, it felt as if it was really beating and his breathing comes out ragged with realization.
He feels as though he is a machine experiencing feelings for the first time ever. His heart beating in all sorts of emotions and he wonders, how? 

​He feels like howling in pain, in joy, in agony and his feet move on their own, walking towards the back door. His hand reaches for the handle but it halts all of a sudden. 

"I have no purpose. I just wake up everyday." He hears Yoobin say and his heart calms a little at her voice because that's what Yoobin is to him; calming.

"You're kinda dumb." A voice that definitely wasn't Yoobin says and the speed of his heart increases just a tad bit more. It feels as though she's speaking to him and he hangs onto her every word. Unconsciously, he leans closer to the door, in hopes to hear her better. 

"Aren't they your reason?"

There's silence. It causes something to snap in him and he blinks rapidly, as though waking up from a daydream. The voice is suddenly very somber and the feeling from earlier is gone but something doesn't feel empty. As though the void has been filled, it's a little but there's something in him that doesn't go away and he felt new.

He feels as though nothing was wrong with him in the first place. Like the hollowness in him was slowly fading away after the hurricane.
He's alive and b with life more than he ever was.

"You remind me of Jin." Yoobin says, and he listens closer upon hearing her speak again. "He's a really great friend of mine and you're kinda like him."

He hears the voice hum almost absentmindedly and her voice is the same as before, dull and sad. "Someone like me, huh? Didn't know there was someone like that." 

He silently wonders where did the laughter and life went to.

"He's Kim Seokjin and well, he's always there for me, he takes care of me and he's like an older brother to me. We were friends since middle school and he's never once gave me up even when everybody did. He really deserves the world." She sounds faraway but he manages a smile at her kind and warming words.

"He do