It had been exactly one week since Jongup had made his decision. One week since he'd found the perfect hours during the day to sleep in the dorm when Himchan wasn't there, and then escape back to the dance studios before anyone could intercept. One week since he'd decided the only way to deal with his feelings was to work on choreography until it was the only thing he could think of. Until all his frustration and racing heart and twisted stomach became nothing but the beat of the music and the movement of his body. Then, when he would be too exhausted to continue, he'd drag himself back and fall unconscious for far less hours than he wanted before starting it over again.

One whole week, and he was exhausted. Every muscle in his body ached, overworked and strained and under-rested in a way he never thought he'd feel again. He'd barely eaten and if he did it was because Junhong was leaving snacks around for him where Daehyun wouldn't get to them first. Occasionally he'd find extra snacks left out or a hot drink alongside what the maknae was leaving, which he assumed was the kindness of Yongguk or maybe Youngjae, who he was now rooming with.

But mostly, he was under fed, under slept, over-worked and very stressed. It showed on his face and how his dancing became sloppier by the hour. It showed in how much he hated himself when he dragged himself out of bed and how he could barely stand in the shower. It showed in every meal he started skipping because he was so underfed that his stomach sometimes hurt too much for him to even think of eating.

In the end, he wasn't even surprised when his legs gave out beneath him on that full one-week mark and he collapsed to the floor in a heap of pain. He lay there for some time, looking up at the ceiling with barely any effort in him to even think.

For the first time he felt like he'd finally worn himself down to nothing. Just an empty slate that could start up again anywhere he wanted, once he caught his breath. If he got home and got in bed, he could sleep in and wake up with a clear mind and not a single thought of Himchan.

Himchan

He groaned and knocked his head back against the floor, hating himself for letting that man slip into his thoughts once more. Colours swam in front of his vision and a dull ache seeped into the back of his skull. He'd either hit his head harder than he meant or moved too fast or maybe both but either way he was now in a worse state than he was before and it was far too much for him to handle any more and now tears were burning at his eyes and oh for s sake he didn't want to cry again but it was too late and tears were spilling out of his eyes and oh he was the worst person ever.

He rolled over and looked at his reflection in the wall mirrors. He was barely recognisable. His cheeks were gaunt and his eyes were rimmed with darkness from lack of sleep. His stomach dipped in sharply beneath his ribs where he hadn't eaten and his skin was pale from the illness of his misery. He was a skeleton of himself.

He dragged himself towards that ugly reflection and knelt before it, resting his forehead against the cool glass. It was disgustingly difficult to do. He was weak like this. He raised a fist and slammed it with all the effort he could muster against the mirror.

His fingers slumped against the glass with a light thud, knuckles barely even bruised. His hand slid down to his side as the last of his energy escaped him.

Useless, he told the reflection. Worthless. Pointless. Pathetic. Pitiful.

He thought about Himchan seeing him like this and he screwed his eyes closed as tears burned at his face again. Stupid, he thought. So stupid.

He knelt there, curled against his own reflection, and sobbed. It was dry and his body trembled and shook and all he could manage were small gasps and heaves. There was nothing left to cry out. Nothing in him to produce anything more. Nothing left.

He was nothing.

“Tell me where he is. Now.” Himchan had Junhong cornered, arms crossed and a stern look on his face. The taller boy was squirming under his gaze, eyes darting around as he looked for escape.

“I don't know, I haven't seen him around. No one has. I don't know anything.” Junhong tried to slide to one side, but Himchan caught his wrist before he could escape.

“Tell me where he is or I will tell Yongguk about the time I walked in on you wearing his clothes and pretending to be him.”

The maknae flushed with embarrassment. “You wouldn't!”

“For Jonguppie's sake, I would. So tell me.”

The younger squirmed for a moment as he tried to find a way out of the situation, before caving, “He's at the dance studios right now. Please don't tell Yongguk-hyung about that, I'll die if he finds out.”

“Thank you,” Himchan half sang as he patted the maknae's cheek, “Oh and he already knows, I showed him a photo and he thought it was cute.”

As he grabbed a jacket and marched out, fighting against a grin as the maknae screeched behind him.

It was pretty late but he barely gave it a thought as he made his way to Jongup. His lip had healed perfectly fine with barely a scratch left, and all of the swelling had passed. He would have been more bothered by the damage to his appearances if he wasn't far more concerned about the dancer. He hadn't heard from him in over a week and he wasn't going to wait for the younger to reach a point where he was willing to approach him any more.

When he glanced into the studio, he almost thought it empty. It wasn't until he spotted the tiny figure hunched against the mirrors did he finally get a look at Jongup. The sight of the malnourished boy broke his heart.

“Jongup?,” he almost whispered.

The dancer flinched a little and turned his head to look back at him. He looked like a ghost.

“Go away,” he mumbled, turning away from Himchan and pressing his face against the mirror again.

“No,” Himchan replied, taking off his jacket and tossing it aside. He walked over and sat beside the younger member, frowning at him. “I'm not leaving until you talk to me properly. I'm saying right here until we're normal again.”

Jongup scowled. That was the exact opposite of what he needed to happen for them to be normal. “Why did you have to come here and bother me?”

“Because I could, and I wanted to. So I did,” He replied echoing the dancer's words.

“I don't want to talk to you.” Jongup's voice wavered slightly as he spoke.

“Why won't you talk to me?” He asked. When he got no response, he reached out to rest his hand on Jongup's shoulder. Jongup tried to shake him off, but his weak body wouldn't let him muster the effort to do it. Himchan quickly took advantage of his and forcibly turned the younger boy around to face him.

“Jongup,” he started, but the younger turned his face away, “Look at at me.”

When Jongup turned his face to Himchan, his gaze wavered around as he avoided looking into his eyes.

“Have you been crying again?” Himchan asked, brow furrowing a little as he raised his other hand to brush over the other's exhausted face.

Jongup leaned away from his touch and tried to push him away with weak arms, “Doesn't matter. Please go away.”

Himchan watched the frail boy try to shove him and felt a lump form in his throat. “Jongup, whatever I did, I'm really sorry.”

The dancer stopped pushing and looked up at him, confusion etched between his brows. “What?”

“Whatever I did to make you hate me, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. Can I make it up to you somehow?” Jongup's expression changed immediately, eyes widening as Himchan continued. “I've been trying to think over these past few weeks and I don't know what I did but I'll never do any of it again if it means you'll talk to me again.” He moved both hands to take hold of Jongups, pleading now. “I knew I drove you crazy sometimes but I didn't think I could upset you this much. Please forgive me Jonguppie.”

Jongup's fingers squeezed around Himchan's hands and it made the visual's heart skip a beat. “Himchannie-hyung, I could never hate you. I-” Jongup tried to stop himself, but the words began to pour out of him beyond his control. “I love you. I love you more than dancing and more than music and more than being on stage. I love you more than my favourite songs and more than millions of cheering fans. I love everything about you.” tears had finally formed and were rolling down his cheeks and Himchan was staring at him with huge eyes but he couldn't stop himself. “When you're being competitive I still love you. When you're being over dramatic I still love you. I love you when you drive me up the wall with pointless requests and I love you when you can't get the choreography right. I love you when you get too grabby. I love you when you're drunk and you're annoying us. I love you when you're complaining and I love you when you're being rude and I love you when you think you look bad but you don't because you always look perfect,” he took a breath here, only just realising that this was the most he'd spoken in one go in quite a while. “I even love you now, even though you probably hate me. And I'll still love you tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I'll love you forever I think. Even if you hate me until the day you die and even after that. I could never hate you, because I love you too much.”

Himchan stared at the crying boy in silence, taking a while to absorb it all. Jongup dropped his gaze and yanked his hands free from their hold.

“Why do you think I would hate you?” Himchan finally asked, voice quiet.

“Because...” Jongup began. He looked around as if the words might present themselves on a wall or the floor. When they didn't, he shrugged a little. “I don't know.”

“Jongup, you know I love you. I couldn't hate you for loving me back.”

Jongup let out a strained noise in the back of his throat and shook his head, “It's not the same, hyung. It's not the same kind of love.”

Himchan raised his hands and cupped them around Jongup's cheeks, holding his face gently. “Jongup,” he waited until the younger was looking him in the eyes before continuing, “It is the same.” Before the younger could attempt to disagree, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss to his lips.

Jongup could barely react. His brain had completely numbed when Himchan had spoken those last few words and now the sensation of those beautiful lips on his own was taking over every part of him until he couldn't imagine not feeling it. When their lips finally parted, his brain kicked into gear again.

Himchan was looking at him with a slightly worried expression, pretty lips still slightly parted and and eyes searching his face for some kind of response. It suddenly occurred to the younger that he hadn't reciprocated at all. Panic kicked in and before Himchan's expression could get any more distressed, he leaned in and pressed their mouths together once more, this time wrapping his arms around the man he loved so desperately and trying with every exhausted ounce of his body to communicate his emotions.

Though taken by surprise, it didn't take long for Himchan to kiss him back, letting out a small sigh against his lips. Fingers curled into hair and grabbed at tops and their legs knocked awkwardly against each other as they pulled themselves as close to each other as possible. When they finally broke apart, Jongup was crying again and he had no idea why, but Himchan laughed and placed delicate kisses over his cheeks to clear them away.

“Come on,” the older murmured against his skin, “you look like hell. I'll buy you some food and then you're going to catch up on sleep. No arguments.”

Jongup nodded and finally felt a smile stretch across his face. “Can we get burgers?”

“Jesus Christ, boy, you avoid me solidly for a week, yell at me when I come to see you and then demand burgers from me when you finally realise that I don't hate you.”

“So will you?”

“Yes, of course.”

A/N It's finished! Thanks for all my readers. I hope newer readers will enjoy it's entirety. Hope this ending wasn't disappointing- but I can't end a fic like this without Jongup crying tbh. 

Thank you for rrading my work, please give feedback xxxx