Baekhyun believed in forever at one point in his life. He had thought love triumphed all. He was blind towards the cruelty the world could inflict on him. Well, not anymore. Ever since he had been ripped away from the man he loved, everything he knew came shattering down. Nothing made sense as he waded through the stages of grieving. No matter how hard he tried, he always found himself slowly regressing back into depression, right when he thought he had finally arrived at the doorsteps of acceptance. 

His friends and family did their best to help him out at first but there was no point in trying anymore, once the young man made it clear he would never get better. The rays of sun which once shined brightly over him were gone forever, replaced by thick, gray clouds of sorrow. He will never forget the way Yifan held him during dark times like this and the gentle smile the elder shot his way every single morning. It’s the small things Baekhyun misses the most because they add up to the most loving man in the world — or, at least, they once did. 

It’s been years since Baekhyun has had to say farewell to his lover, but whenever he’s alone in their apartment, he lies on the couch and waits for the soft click of the front door, indicating Yifan is home from work. Of course, Yifan never comes home, which breaks Baekhyun’s heart every single time. He curls up into a ball and lets the tears fall as if he hasn’t been crying almost every night. 

Life is silent without Yifan around to fill in the gaps. Baekhyun strains to hear the elder’s steady breathing in the darkness and cranes his neck in a crowd whenever he thinks he’s heard Yifan’s bubbling laughter. Disappointment greets him, as always.

Baekhyun tries his best to hide the inner turmoil he faces whenever he’s with others because he’s learned no one really cares about his problems. After his friends and family had abandoned him, he realized it was his fault for scaring them off. It’s exhausting to pretend that everything is okay when his innards churn and bile threatens to rise up in the back of his throat. He’s so miserable, yet he must wear his mask to blend in with the world around him. This is the only way he can survive in this hell he calls home.



“Hey Baek! Want to join me and the guys for some billiards at the pool hall tonight?” Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s coworker, asks as their day comes to an end. They have been working at the same convenience store, Nini’s, together for three years and Baekhyun can’t remember a week passing by without the taller male going to the pool hall down the street. He knows the man with the elf-like ears means well, but if every invitation to a social outing has been shot down thus far, what makes Chanyeol think this time will be any different?

“No, thanks. I need some space.” Baekhyun smiles wearily at the other and waves to him as he heads on out first. He hears Chanyeol making a sound of protest, but all Baekhyun can think about right now is the broken slushee machine. The old contraption tends to break down whenever the temperature rises, and today was no exception. A nearby middle school had ended classes early, releasing their vermin onto the streets. They scurried into the shop in hordes and bought enough ice cream and sugary drinks to give Baekhyun a mouthful of cavities just by looking at them. Halfway through the rush, the slushee machine decided to stop working and all Baekhyun could hear was and groaning from the rascals and other customers. He can remember the irritating sounds clearly, they play loudly, on a loop, in his mind as he walks over to the bus stop. There is no one around, and Baekhyun fiddles around with the keys in his pocket. After hearing about a recent string of muggings, he looked up tactics on how to fend off thieves and killers. A poke in the eye will definitely deter any man from messing with him twice.

The lamp post by the bus stop flickers, scaring the young man a little. He grows a little nervous when it seems like the bus is a little late. Of all days for his transportation to be off schedule, it had to be today. He just wants to go home because it has been a long day at work and nothing sounds more comforting than his bed. Time passes by sluggishly — or has the world stopped altogether? Not a single soul or car has passed by for awhile now, and the night is eerily silent. He contemplates walking home for a second, until the bus pulls up to the curb. Its doors open up for him, bathing him in harsh lighting. He flashes the driver his bus pass as he boards before taking a seat towards the back.



Baekhyun draws himself a bath when he returns home, fixing up a quick dinner that consists of yesterday’s leftover pad thai and cold slices of canned spam. He can’t afford to be picky with the amount of money he makes for a living. Though, he never complains. There’s no point in enjoying the other pleasures of life when the only one he needs can never be seen again. 

In order to save a bit of time, Baekhyun soaks in the warm water as he slurps up his dinner. He takes care not to drop his bowl because this is all he has to eat for the rest of the week. His refrigerator and pantry are sparse because sustenance is not high on his list of priorities, keeping his sanity is. It’s easy to put on a pretense for everyone around him, but there are days when he wants to show the world how much his heart bleeds for attention, love, and affection. If only people didn’t think the broken and the bruised were a burden to society. The last thing Baekhyun wants is for the few remaining people in his life to loathe him because he hasn’t gotten over Yifan. Then again, he’d much rather hold onto the last fragments of the man he loves than keep around unwanted company. 

Baekhyun places the empty bowl on the toilet cover with his chopsticks lying neatly on top. The water has gone cold, but he doesn’t care and proceeds to scrub away the grime until his limbs are raw. Splotches of red decorate his pale figure, and he can’t help but smile. He always feels so numb inside that this new burning sensation feels good. He brings the sponge back to his legs, but pauses for a moment when he thinks about what Yifan would say if he were here. The elder told him everyday that he was beautiful, and Baekhyun denied it every time, even though deep inside a wave of warmth washed over him. Yifan wouldn’t think he is beautiful right now, or even decent-looking for that matter. The younger male feels ashamed and brings his knees up to his chest, hugging his legs. 

“I’m so sorry for failing you.”

The rest of the night drags on slowly after he drains the bath tub. He dries himself off and pads around the apartment in only his pants. On his way to the bedroom, he glances down the hall a little bit further at a room he hasn’t touched in ages and goes to bed before he does something irrational. 



“Good morning, Baekhyun! It’s such a gorgeous day outside,” Chanyeol greets from behind the front counter where he organizes the display of chewing gum and lollipops. 

Baekhyun shrugs as he makes a beeline for the back room, taking off his windbreaker and making sure his name tag is pinned neatly onto his light yellow polo. He didn’t sleep too well, so Chanyeol’s vivacious personality is a little too much for him. He avoids the taller male for awhile as he mindlessly sweeps the floors and wipes down the glass doors of the refrigerators. No one ever comes into the shop this early in the morning, yet their boss insists they need to open up at 7 o’clock sharp every day. There will be a good half hour or so before anyone decides to linger in for coffee, so Baekhyun keeps himself busy with cleaning every inch of the place. Menial tasks help keep his mind off of the mundane life he has adopted ever since the incident. Nowadays, he only works to live and lives to work. 

Baekhyun hums along to the Top 40’s music playing over the radio and keeps his eyes down when the front counter is the last place he needs to clean. Chanyeol understands this means he won’t want to talk and respects his wishes. The smaller male is grateful as he sprays the hardwood surface with windex. 

“Excuse me, little ers. Why the hell don’t you carry shrimp-flavored ramen anymore?” 

“Please calm down, sir. I’m sure we have some more in the back if you’ll just give me a —” Chanyeol flinches when the man slams his fist down against the counter. The display he had been working on spills all over the tiled floor. 

“I-I’ll go check for you,” Baekhyun offers and drops his cloth towel on his way to appease their rude customer. He never understands how anyone could get so vehement over the silliest things and why these nitwits flock to Nini’s. There’s another convenience store a block down. They could use the extra business. 

Baekhyun takes his time looking around just to piss the customer off and blatantly ignores the new box of shrimp-flavored ramen towards the back, returning empty-handed. The man looks displeased, his left eye twitching. Before he can do anything else to scare the two young men, a cop walks in and heads for the coffee station. 

“This is ing ridiculous,” the man mutters on his way out.



As always, Baekhyun goes straight to the bus stop after work, but this time there’s a sign taped to the post, stating there won’t be any service for the next three days starting tonight due to construction. Baekhyun could simply walk home, but he doesn’t want to risk getting hurt. His only other options are to take a cab or the underground subway. The former could lead to an unfortunate kidnapping, so the small male strides down two blocks to the nearest station and descends to the platforms. People from all walks of life gather here to wait for a ride home or wherever life has decided for them. Men in their loosened ties have their eyes glued to their phones while teenagers bicker over the latest blockbusters. The elderly folk sitting on the benches don’t seem to appreciate the noise level and relief washes over their faces when their trains arrives. 

Baekhyun keeps to himself in order to avoid unwanted attention, leaning against a pillar as he waits. His mind wanders from one thought to another. It’s hard to focus on anything with all these people here. He’s pulled back to reality once his train’s arrival is announced. The rumbling on the tracks brings him back to the incident. Even though the earth isn’t shaking, his legs grow weak beneath him. He crouches down in a squatting position and brings his hands over his head until the sound subsides. 

By the time he returns to his senses, his train is long gone. He doesn’t care, though, because he remembers why he avoided taking the subway all these years. He pushes past the new crowd of people heading down the stairs and inhales a deep breath once he’s resurfaced. The temperature has dropped significantly, but that doesn’t matter to him. He treks back home on foot, not caring about getting hurt anymore. The pain of a random stabbing could never compare to the raw agony gnawing on his heart. 

He makes it home without a scratch and forgoes dinner, resting on the couch instead. The clock hanging over the television reads a quarter to twelve. It took him much longer than he expected to return. Where did all the time go? All Baekhyun remembers is how scared he was on the platform. The loud sounds from the train pulling up to the station reminded him of the day he lost all hope in humanity. 

It was three years ago when a 5.7 magnitude earthquake struck the city. Everything seemed normal at first as Baekhyun teased Yifan for needing to go back to the supermarket to pick up chocolate milk, and he bid his boyfriend farewell. Twenty minutes later, the ground began to shake as the little trinkets and books lining their shelves fell to the floor. This wasn’t the first time Baekhyun experienced an earthquake, but he immediately knew something was wrong when the tremors didn’t stop after a couple seconds. He hid under the dining table just like he had been instructed to back in grade school and sent Yifan a text, asking him to reply once he was safe. 

There was no answer following the initial earthquake. There was no answer following the aftershocks. There was no answer for the entire day. 

Baekhyun tried not to panic because Yifan might have gotten slightly injured and might have been sitting in a hospital. He told himself that to keep his sanity in check for the night. The next day, he checked every hospital and medical center in the city to no avail. He widened his search, stopping by nearby cities even though the chances of finding Yifan there were slim. 

He swore to never give up until he found his boyfriend, but as time went by, his hope thinned. He knows better than to believe the other is out there, somewhere, and tries to convince himself of this during the loneliest of nights. 



Baekhyun walks to and from work after yesterday’s incident, adamantly avoiding the subway and cabs. He scorns the public transportation system for not having figured out a way to reroute their buses during times of road work. His sore legs hate them even more. After work, he stops by a coffee shop which likes to boast that it’s open twenty-four-seven, and he orders himself a cup of green tea. The shop is quiet tonight, thankfully. Baekhyun sits by the front door so that he can scan the bulletin board hanging nearby. Most of the leaflets advertise unusual services and local concerts. The only one that catches his eye is a simple black and white flyer announcing an art exhibit coming to town, featuring artists from all over the globe. Baekhyun always accompanied Yifan to these sort of things just to make the elder happy, despite the fact that he felt like a fish out of water. For old time’s sake, he decides to go since it’s only a couple bucks, something his measly paycheck can finally cover. 



Everyone in the gallery is dressed to the nines, wearing pressed suits and gowns made of the finest fabrics. Their accessories shine brighter than the luminescent lighting above them. They hold stern expressions on their faces as if someone pissed in their wine. 

Baekhyun is definitely out of place in his grey cardigan and ripped jeans. No one seems to notice him as he makes his way around, trying to pretend this is where he belongs. He is uncomfortable, but no one needs to know that. The reason as to why the crowd is well-dressed is unclear to him until he overhears a couple discussing the artists who were lucky enough to have their works displayed. 

“I wonder if we’ll even be able to catch a glimpse of her. She is quite shy, or at least that’s what people have been saying,” the woman says, leaning against wall.

“I’m more interested in meeting Kris. The man is a giant and came all the way from China. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.” The man glances over his shoulder. 

“What are we waiting for then? They probably won’t be around after tonight, it’s the grand opening, after all.” 

The couple rushes out of the room, and Baekhyun has to stop himself from tailing them. It would be nice to meet potentially famous people, but he has heard nothing but bad things about upcoming artists. They are snobby and pretentious.

Baekhyun walks in the opposite direction of the couple and enters a room displaying works with his face plastered all over them. He thinks it’s only a trick of the light and rubs his eyes to make sure he isn’t seeing things. When he looks up again, his visage stares at him intensely. Baekhyun feels sick to his stomach because there’s no way in hell someone could depict his features so accurately unless they knew him well, and he hasn’t been close with anyone in ages. There’s only one other explanation. He’s gone crazy and quickly strides off to the front of the gallery to fetch himself some water. Maybe he’s slowly gone delirious from the overwhelming amount of people around him. 

“Not much of a wine drinker, are you?” someone comments as they grab a cup of water for themselves. Baekhyun thinks the stranger is trying to make a jab at the fact that he is a head shorter than everyone else, thus making him the child in the room by default. He hates it when people point out his small stature, so he keeps his head down and mutters under his breath.

“Not much of a talker, too. How interesting, considering everyone else out here has been trying to talk my ear off. I like you already,” the stranger continues on to say. 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his own water. He thinks the other is stupid, but doesn’t cut him off because he likes the sound of his voice. It’s deep, smooth, and strangely comforting. The stranger drones on and on about art shows and travelling, and Baekhyun listens attentively as if he gives a damn about the terrible room service at a hotel located in a country he has never heard of. He nods every now and then to let the other know he’s still paying attention. 

“I’m so sorry for wasting your time. Sometimes I don’t realize how much I talk until someone yawns, but I’m glad you didn’t find me boring though.” 

“No, it’s fine. I liked listening to you — I mean, you’re a really… yeah.” Baekhyun smiles bashfully and dares to meet the stranger’s eyes for the first time. His smile turns into a frown instantly. “Yifan?” 

The man before him furrows his brows. “You’re the young man from my dreams, but how did you know my name?” 

Baekhyun wants to believe his eyes are deceiving him, but now there’s no way for him to lie to himself. Half of him wants to weep tears of joy while the other half wants to punch Yifan in the face. How could the elder throw away their past so easily, as if their relationship never mattered to him? Baekhyun allows himself to release the pent up emotions built up in the short period of time after realizing Yifan has been alive all this time, crying as he pounds the latter’s chest with his fists, over and over again. He couldn’t care less about the commotion he is causing right now because the love he swore to never give up was all an act from the receiving end. 

“I hate you, bastard. I hope you die a painful death and burn in the pits of hell, where you belong,” Baekhyun spits out right as someone wrenches him away from Yifan. Tears blur his vision, but he can clearly see Yifan try to approach him. It’s the wrong move to make because Baekhyun waits until the right moment to kick him where the sun doesn’t shine. The audience gathered around them gasp in harmony and security finally arrives to take him away. Before he is even escorted out of the building, the large men stop in their tracks when Yifan calls out for them in a strained voice, “Don’t take him away. I need to speak with him privately, though I should probably do it at a safe distance.” 

The men hesitate for a second, but release Baekhyun once they realize Yifan is serious. They lead the pair over to an unoccupied office space towards the back of the gallery, parting the crowd with slight difficulty. Everyone wants to know what has just happened. Tears and fists belong in a boxing ring, not a posh event. 

“We’ll be right outside. If he attacks you again, please scream.” 

Baekhyun folds his arms over his chest, backing himself up against the farthest wall from Yifan. If they get any closer, he won’t hesitate to scratch up that pretty face of his. 

“I know it’s dumb of me to be talking to the man who just attacked me, but I couldn’t let you go because you look exactly like the young man in my —”

“Dreams and stupid paintings,” Baekhyun finishes for him. “You mentioned that and I saw your work. At first I thought I had some ing stalker out there, but sadly I only have you — had you.” 

“Why don’t you like me? What have I ever done to you? I thought things were going swimmingly, and then you looked up and decided I was perfect for target practice.” Yifan instinctively covers up his crotch. 

Baekhyun can’t believe his ears. The level of audacity and obliviousness Yifan displays is ridiculous. Does the taller male think he has grown foolish over the years? “I’m not sure what kind of game you’re playing here, but I don’t think it’s funny at all. I thought you died in the earthquake three years ago and —”

“How did you know I was caught in an earthquake? That isn’t public knowledge, only my mother knows the details.” Yifan looks genuinely concerned and scared like a lost puppy. He acts as if this is the first time they are meeting, and Baekhyun knows too much about him. 

And then it all makes sense. 

“You were injured, weren’t you?,” Baekhyun voices the obvious. 

“Y-yeah. I lost some of my memory. It was difficult to readjust because I didn’t know what was going on, but my mother helped me along the way.”

Baekhyun doesn’t need to ask to know what memories Yifan lost. This isn’t how their reunion was supposed to go. He had several scenarios running through his head over the years, all of them ending with a happily ever after. That won’t be happening any time soon, if ever. He wants to try to kiss the memories back, but he knows Yifan will only shout out for help the moment he takes a step forward. Anyway, the old Yifan may be gone forever. There’s no point in fighting for a lost cause that died long before Baekhyun knew it. 

“Now answer me. Why do you haunt me? Whenever I go to sleep, I always see your face. Sometimes you’re just lying on the same couch perusing a magazine and other times you take me to your secret spot at this park.” 

Baekhyun chews on his bottom lip as he tries to figure out the best way to handle the situation at hand. He could easily spill the beans and allow Yifan to decide for himself whether or not Baekhyun is a freak. He knows it will be a lot to handle for Yifan, especially after the elder found out the young man in his dreams is real. One step at a time, Baekhyun resolves, because not only will this allow him to see Yifan again, but Yifan will get all the answers he’s seeking. Everyone wins, sort of. Baekhyun may come out of this with a broken heart, again. It’s foolish to believe Yifan could ever see him the same way, but Baekhyun is the biggest fool in the world, and he will do anything to win back the man he loves. 

“We met back in high school, and we were in the same grade. I wasn’t as cool back then, so I helped out at the library on campus. You only came in whenever you needed to finish a last-minute assignment. Basketball took up too much of your time for you to take school seriously.” Baekhyun left out the part where he had braces, a y bowl cut, and the biggest crush on Yifan. The first two years of high school were brutal for him since he looked like the stereotypical dork, and then the summer before junior year happened. Three months can really change a boy. 

“That sounds a lot like me, unfortunately,” Yifan agrees and rubs the back of his neck. “Did I bully you? Because I can’t think of any other reason why you attacked me today, and if I did hurt you, I’m really sorry!”

Baekhyun shakes his head, chuckling. Unlike a lot of the other kids at school, Yifan treated him like a human being. Well, they never hung out or joked around, but the elder always referred to him by his name during the few times they talked. It was enough to leave a good impression. “Of course not, you were nice. I don’t have an exact reason why I went crazy on you, though, but please forgive me. I’m having an off day.” 

“As long as you promise not to kick me in the nuts again, everything is cool between us.” Yifan is the first to make a move, walking across the room and extending his hand out for Baekhyun to take. “Let’s forget anything happened and start over. I’m Yifan, but most people know me under my alias, Kris.”

“I-I am Baek… hyun, but most people know me as that quiet guy nowadays.” Baekhyun is hesitant to take Yifan’s hand because he’ll be tempted to pull the man in closer. He wills himself to have a little self-control and grasps Yifan’s hand, relishing in the warmth a little longer than social protocol calls for. 

Yifan doesn’t seem to notice and merely smiles down at Baekhyun. “Nowadays? Did something happen to — no, I shouldn’t be nosey,” he scolds himself.

“I don’t mind if you’re nosey,” Baekhyun says sadly after reminding himself of his greatest loss. “If you agree to have coffee with me, unless you’re one of those snobby artists who refuse anything less than freshly ground beans imported all the way from Ethiopia.”

“Like a date?” Yifan looks way too smug for Baekhyun’s liking. For heaven’s sake, he nailed this guy in the balls not too long ago. 

“More like a we-just-met-but-not-really-and-this-is-a-totally-platonic-thing.” 

“I like the sound of that. It’ll be my first, actually,” Yifan jokes. 

Baekhyun fights the urge to roll his eyes because he’s already seeing traces of the old Yifan, the man with the lamest sense of humor and an ego too big for his head to fit. He misses him so much. 

“Great. Give me your phone.” 

“Don’t laugh at me, but I left it back in my hotel. All I have is a pen and napkin.” 

It’s nice to see Yifan hasn’t gotten over his habit of forgetting things. Baekhyun happily takes the pen and napkin, scrawling his number down. 

“If I had brought my lipstick, I’d sign this off with a kiss.”

Yifan’s eyes widen to the size of saucers until Baekhyun assures him it was only a jest. 



Baekhyun waits all night for Yifan to call, text, send smoke signals, anything because his heart has been beating like crazy since they parted ways. There’s a chance Yifan won’t get back to him until the next day, but staying up will be worth the wait. He lies in bed with his phone clutched to his chest. The sound of cars and midnight chatter outside his window don’t make him feel so lonely anymore. His eyelids grow heavier with each passing hour and soon enough, he can’t continue to fight off the sandman. 



Saturday mornings are god’s gift to the world. Baekhyun can stay in bed for as long as he likes without having to worry about being late to work. He rolls over onto his side so that his back faces the blinds he forgot to close the night before and is ready to doze off again, but he hears a loud clatter on the bedside. He peeks over the side to see his poor phone lying on the floorboards. He turns his baby on to make sure it’s still functioning and to his surprise, there’s one unread message. His heart skips a beat and hands become sweaty in anticipation. 

From Unknown Number 02:43
Hey, this is Yifan. I know it’s a little late, but I wanted to let you know how nice it was to meet you today! I’m happy to know I actually existed before my memory was wiped. Don’t think I’m only meeting up with you just to learn more about myself because I would like to get to know you too! Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. Uh yeah. Good night.

Baekhyun’s fingers are twitching to reply, but he doesn’t want Yifan to think he’s a lonely man who has nothing better to do on the weekends. Pull yourself together, Byun, he tells himself. It’s been several hours since this text message was sent, so answering Yifan any later will be rude. 

To Wu Yifan 11:06
Hey there. I’m still in shock you haven’t reported me to the police, but I hope you don’t change your mind any time soon. Anyway, it was really nice to meet you, too, and I’m finally awake. Is it too late to grab a cup of coffee this late in the morning?

Baekhyun wants to wait for Yifan to reply to him, but the elder is a grown man with responsibilities. For all he knows, Yifan has already started his day with someone much cooler and more handsome. He tries not to let this thought put a damper on his mood as he slides out of bed and heads for the bathroom. Even if Yifan doesn’t want to see him anymore, Baekhyun needs to brush his teeth because morning breath never goes well with breakfast. 

Once he has gone through the motions of his morning routine, he saunters back into the bedroom. No one can see him, but rushing to see if Yifan replied to him seems embarrassing. He feels like a schoolgirl as he picks up his phone and inhales a deep breath. No big deal, he mutters. 

From Wu Yifan 11:09
You’re not a morning person, huh. I thought getting to see me today would be enough motivation to wake up a little earlier. Don’t worry, I only kid. Like I said before, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. Since it’s almost noon, would you like to tweak our plans a little and have lunch instead? 

It’s a big deal. Coffee non-dates are easy to navigate because all Baekhyun needs to do is show up and look pretty. Going out for lunch is a different story. He will have to be conscience about his every move, make sure he doesn’t chew like a horse, and spill soup on Yifan’s lap. 

To Wu Yifan 11:22
Yeah. Just give me some time to get dressed. How about we meet up at this pizzeria with the best thin crust ever and unlimited refills of tap water?

Baekhyun facepalms himself at his sad attempt at being funny.

From Wu Yifan 11:26
Ahahaha! I could never pass up such an amazing deal. I can’t wait to see you.

Baekhyun is all giggles as he searches through his closet for an outfit that screams I look good and I know it and this is only a friendly get-together, but I think you’re cute. In the midst of his quest for the perfect pant and shirt combination, he nearly forgets to send Yifan the address to the pizza place. He would look a fool if he showed up and thought the elder stood him up when it was his own fault the entire time. He quickly texts Yifan the address along with a string of cute emoticons to make up for his stupidity.



“I can’t believe you beat me here,” Baekhyun says as if he didn’t already know Yifan likes to arrive early. That’s one of the many things he likes about the taller male; he’s punctual. 

He tries not to smile too crazily as he sits down across from the other and folds his hands atop his lap. His nerves are getting the best of him, despite the fact that this is totally not a date. This is merely two people having lunch together who happen to have an intimate history together, which one of them has no clue about; this is completely normal. 

“I don’t like to keep people waiting, especially those who are important to me.” Yifan beams at Baekhyun, as if he’s seeing the stars for the very first time. There’s a deep fascination behind his brown eyes, and for a moment, Baekhyun believes his Yifan is back. 

The smaller male hides the flush on cheeks by propping up the menu on the table and ducks his head. “So, what’s it like being a fancy shmancy artist?”

“It’s not as glamorous as one would like to think. I may be my own boss, but I find it rather hard to stay on a schedule since there’s no one breathing down my neck. How about you, what do you do for a living?” Baekhyun peeks over the menu and wishes he didn’t because he hates how truly interested Yifan looks. The elder has always been attentive and caring with everyone he meets, and it doesn’t seem like the incident changed him one bit. 

“I just work at a local convenience store. It’s not much, but I can afford a roof over my head,” Baekhyun mutters and covers his face again. He never likes telling people that a young man like him has thrown all his aspirations to the wind and barely makes enough to eat. It’s not like he wanted his life to be like this. He wanted to become a singer as a child, and the dream never died as he grew up. Yifan was supportive of him after they graduated college and encouraged him to become the star he was meant to be. Things were tough because all Baekhyun could ever get was little gigs here and there, and right when he finally thought he had caught a break, his motivation to keep going disappeared. He was thankful him and Yifan had a crummy apartment because there was no way he’d part with the last thing he had left of the man he loved, and he took on a real job as soon as he could to keep it.

The menu in Baekhyun’s hands is torn away from their grasp, and Yifan reaches over the table in an attempt to calm the shaking young man. “Was it something I said because I didn’t mean to upset you in any way,” Yifan reassures him in a hushed whisper. 

Baekhyun shakes his head weakly and sniffles, yet he is unable to retract his hands because deep inside this subtle intimacy is all he could ever ask for. He missed everything about Yifan, and he isn’t about to sacrifice the only comfort he’s sought after all these years. Neither of them make a move to end the easy silence between them. 

If Baekhyun lies to himself, he can pretend he’s on a real date with Yifan and not some nameless crap they put together last-minute. He takes advantage of the pause to discreetly run his eyes all over the other. The last time they were together, Yifan had short black hair and a terrible wardrobe. Now, he sports blonde locks that cover the tips of his ears and an ensemble that accentuates his lean figure. On the outside, Yifan has changed quite a lot, but Baekhyun can spot fragments of the simpleton he moved in with six years ago. 

“This may sound creepy, but I feel like we have a deeper bond since I always see you in my dreams. Whenever you were upset, I’d be there for you, and I’d like to be here for the real you, too,” Yifan supplies and gives Baekhyun’s hand a gentle squeeze. 

Baekhyun feels sick to his stomach and pulls his hands away, wedging them between his thighs. The only reason Yifan is being so nice to him is because he looks like the young man in his dreams. The elder could care less about the real Baekhyun, only the muse that has provided him inspiration for his work. Baekhyun knows he could never compete with someone Yifan has idealized in his head, and it breaks his heart.

“I don’t feel so well anymore. I think I might have caught something from last night, so I should better get going before you catch it,” Baekhyun excuses himself and ignores Yifan’s protests, no matter how much he wants to turn around and let his mind continue on its delusional way.

From Wu Yifan 12:32
Is everything okay, Baekhyun? I’m really, really sorry if it’s something I said, but if you don’t tell me, how am I supposed to know I’ve upset you?

From Wu Yifan 12:33
Okay, that sounded a little harsh. I’m sorry! I don’t want you to hate me.

From Wu Yifan 12:36
I know I’m not entitled to your attention, but I need you to reply so I know you didn’t die on the way home. Please, I’m worried about you.

From Wu Yifan 12:48
I’m begging you, Baekhyun.



For the rest of Baekhyun’s weekend, he doesn’t bother replying to Yifan’s messages and burrows himself in a blanket burrito. He should have known better than to let himself believe it would be easy to win Yifan back, but it’s an impossible mission when all Yifan will ever see is the young man in his dreams whenever he looks at Baekhyun. Even if things did work out between them, how is Baekhyun to know if Yifan is not with him because Baekhyun reminds him of the young man. He should have never asked the taller male out for coffee because it turned out to be a huge mistake. 



Chanyeol is all smiles and sunshine when Baekhyun walks into Nini’s on Monday. The smaller male is normally irritated by the other’s happy-go-lucky spirit, so after the hell he went through days before, the irritation elevates to hatred. He restrains himself from flipping off his coworker on his way to the back room, where he screams at the top of his lungs and knocks over a box of salt and vinegar chips. He never acted out during the period he thought Yifan was gone, but now knowing fully well the man is right outside of his reach is beyond maddening. The next things to meet their demise are towers of toilet paper and towels. Everything in his path is in danger, but before Baekhyun can terrorize any more toiletries, Chanyeol comes in to knock some sense into him. 

“What the are you doing, Baek? I thought someone stabbed you in the chest. No hard feelings, but I think I’d much rather have seen you bleeding than this mess. Jongin may be a chill guy, but this might be a little too much for him,” Chanyeol sighs out as he picks up the rolls off the floor and stacks them neatly on top of one another. 

“Why don’t you shut your mouth and go back outside? I have things under control here, you ,” Baekhyun snaps.

Chanyeol looks over at Baekhyun like a kicked puppy. “I never thought you could get any worse after losingyou know, but boy was I wrong. I’ll leave you alone for now. Just promise me you won’t destroy anything else.”

Baekhyun laughs bitterly. He previously thought he had hit rock bottom long ago, too, but yesterday proved him wrong. A chasm has opened up beneath his feet, him down to a world of darkness that even the devil himself wouldn’t dare to venture into. “Of course. Now go,” he says in a low voice.

The work day drags on slowly. Throughout the day, children come in to get their daily fix of sugar while men fork over wads of cash for their beloved brand of cigarettes. The only music playing over the radio is sappy love songs, leaving a bitter taste on Baekhyun’s tongue. He avoids talking to Chanyeol as much as possible because there’s no need to get into another squabble. This job may not be the most charming in the world, but he needs it because no one else is willing to hire a young man with a bachelor’s degree in music theory. He knows his boss favors Chanyeol, so it’s his own head which will be on the chopping block if he lets things get out of hand again. 



Going home after work feels different today. Baekhyun finds himself moving around sluggishly, even more so than usual. He isn’t eager to take a shower despite the fact he reeks of sweat, nor does he want to hit the sack anytime soon. He just wanders from one room to the next, standing off to the side as if he was getting in the way. His mind is blank as he goes through the motions. The sound of his phone vibrating on the coffee table breaks him out of his trance for a brief moment. 

Baekhyun knew he shouldn’t have expected anything else when he sees the name flashing across his screen because who else would be trying to get in contact with him at this hour. His parents barely talk to him, only ever calling their son up during the holidays for obligatory well wishes. As for his friends, he doesn’t even remember who they were because it’s been way too long since they’ve last spoken with each other. No one wants to associate themselves with his pathetic being. 

He contemplates chucking his phone across the room, but the thought passes as soon as it had come. No matter how much he tells himself he should stay away from Yifan, his heart will never stop yearning for the man who always knows how to pick him up. 

From Wu Yifan 21:05
Even though we ended things on a bad note, I wanted to let you know I’m going home on Friday. Would it be selfish of me to ask if we can meet up one last time? I think it’d be nice to clear things up, but there’s no pressure if you don’t want to see me. 

Baekhyun places his phone back down and walks into his room to grab a set of sleeping clothes. He will take a long, hot shower and think about what is the best course of action to take. It’s been awhile since he actually thought things through, having gone by his instincts which wasn’t always for the best. The water raining down on him feels good, a blanket of warmth keeping the chilly night air at bay. He drizzles a generous amount of coconut body wash onto his sponge and lathers himself up slowly. His steady actions bring him back to the day he had scrubbed his skin raw. It’s tempting to repeat the masochistic ritual. He rinses the bubbles off of him and steps out of the tub before he can make another hasty decision. 

To Wu Yifan 21:34
I don’t know.

And it’s the truth. Seeing Yifan again could be the most joyous day in his life, but if their last meeting is any indication of how things will go, Baekhyun would much rather pass this time around. 

He puts his phone on silent.



The following days are a blur. Baekhyun feels like a background character in his own story as he watches his life pass by. He wakes up in the morning, goes to work, returns home, falls asleep, and repeats. Nothing seems real except for the dull ache in his chest. 

He has avoided checking his phone ever since sending that last message to Yifan. He’s afraid to see how the elder has replied to him, afraid to see the elder fighting for him. It’s a ridiculous thought, really, because why would Yifan fight for someone he just met and couldn’t care less about. Baekhyun simply resembles the young man in his paintings and dreams. Nothing more, nothing less.

Everything was easy when Baekhyun was stuck grieving over Yifan. He knew how to deal with his emotions after all these years of practice. Now he faces a new challenge. 

On Thursday night, he finally caves in. He burrows under the safety of his covers and turns on his phone. To his surprise, there are three unread messages. 

From Wu Yifan 21:36, June 8
That’s perfectly okay. I understand why you would be hesitant and won’t push you to do anything you’ll be uncomfortable with. If you ever change your mind, feel free to call me.

From Wu Yifan 16:19, June 10
I’m not sure why I’m even sending this since it’s quite clear now that you don’t want to associate with me. I won’t be able to say this in person, so via text will have to do. I’m sorry.

From Wu Yifan 20:41
My flight is tomorrow morning. I guess this will be the last thing I’ll ever say to you because I don’t want to be a thorn to your side. Like I said before, it was nice getting to meet you, and I truly mean it. Things didn’t start off on the right foot, but you treated me like a human being unlike everyone else. It felt nice. Anyway, I hope life treats you well because you deserve it, Baekhyun.

Baekhyun’s jaw drops because he swore today was only Wednesday. He still hasn’t made up his mind, but it doesn’t matter anyway since time has run out. He rolls onto his stomach, pressing his face into his pillow and groaning. Nothing ever goes his way, and he starts to wonder if the fates have some sort of vendetta against him. And then he finds himself dialing up Yifan. If he wants things done, he’ll have to do it himself instead of depending on the unseeable forces. 

“Hello?” a sleepy voice asks from the other end of the line. 

“Oh . Did I wake you up? I have nothing important to say, anyway, so feel free to hang up. I’m really, really sorry,” Baekhyun babbles. He hears Yifan muffle a laugh, and all he wants to do now is punch him in the face with his lips. 

“Don’t worry about it. If there’s anyone in this world who can wake me up without making me angry, it’s you,” Yifan muses, and it causes Baekhyun wonder if he’s been hoodwinked all this time. Yifan acts as if they have known each other for so long, which is true, but he supposedly lost his memory. How can it magically come back, unless he’s been lying all this time?

“Why do you say things like that?” Baekhyun questions, but then regrets it the very next second because he already knows the answer. 

“Like what?” Yifan sounds genuinely innocent. 

“Like you actually give a damn about me. We only met the other day, and you treat me like I’m your best friend,” he says.

“Because I like to be nice to people? And besides, I feel so much at ease with you,” Yifan replies. 

“Are you sure about that? I think you’re only acting this way because I’m your ing wet dream in the flesh,” Baekhyun grits out, voicing the exact reason why he’s been so upset as of late. It feels good getting it off his chest, but wisps of agony still linger.

The phone line goes quiet. Baekhyun is prepared for whatever reaction Yifan will have because he couldn’t care less anymore. For the past three years, he hoped to see the love of his life again and here he is. He now knows better than to believe they would continue where they left off. It feels like a millennia has passed before Yifan speaks up again.

“Baekhyun, I want to make it clear that I have no ill intentions. As strange as it may seem, I am interested in getting to know you because I felt like we could get along well. I guess I was wrong because I make you uncomfortable, right? You don’t have to worry anymore after tomorrow. I’ll be long gone by the time you wake up.” Yifan’s voice trails off, and he finishes off with a barely audible sigh. 

The ball is in Baekhyun’s court now. He isn’t sure how to proceed because he had expected Yifan to reaffirm his fears. It would have been much easier to berate the elder than to salvage the broken pieces of their non-existent relationship. He has to think quickly on his feet before Yifan takes his silence as a signal to hang up.

“I… I… Why do you have to be so perfect? No matter how hard I try, I can never find any flaws in you,” Baekhyun murmurs, hands trembling. 

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, nothing! I just hope you have a safe flight home, and if you’re ever back in town, I wouldn’t be opposed to starting over again.” 

“I’m going to hold this invitation against you next time I’m here,” Yifan brags. “Goodnight, Baekhyun, and sweet dreams.” 

“R-right back at you!” Baekhyun quickly hits the ‘end call’ icon and tosses his phone towards the end of his bed. 



Every night after that, they call at least once a week and most of the time, it’s Yifan talking about the different places he’ll be heading to and such because of his career. Baekhyun tries to avoid filling him in on his mundane life, but Yifan always insists because he admits he loves hearing Baekhyun’s voice.

“You could read me the ingredients on a cereal box, and I’d beg you to do it over and over again,” the elder confesses three weeks later. 

“Shut the up, or else you won’t get to hear about the stupid thing Chanyeol did at work today,” Baekhyun threatens, a smiles playing at his lips.

Work becomes bearable, including Chanyeol’s neverending cheeriness. Baekhyun doesn’t snap at him anymore and even joins the taller male in a round of billiards one night. He isn’t too comfortable being around a group of rowdy men, but he thinks the beers in their hands might have something to do with their boisterous attitudes. He is no competition for any of Chanyeol’s friends and makes a fool of himself when he shoots the cue ball into the pockets several times in a row. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have a knack for this pastime. Everyone seems to be having a good time, though. Chanyeol is more laidback than usual and shows off whenever Jongin is paying attention to the game. Baekhyun was never under the impression that Chanyeol and Jongin were this close since they had an employee-boss relationship. This new finding might explain how someone so clumsy could get a job in the first place. Baekhyun makes small talk with Jongdae, a young man his age who had the terrible luck of being Chanyeol’s roommate back in their university years. They get along fine, making fun of Chanyeol’s awkward attempts at trying to woo Jongin. Kyungsoo, Chanyeol’s best friend, joins in on the teasing, and despite his height, he’s the perfect challenger in billiards. Beers are downed by the case and before the night is over, everyone is wasted beyond repair. The manager of the pool hall is kind enough to let the sorry sacks lie on the floor until the sun rises. 

The next day, Baekhyun relays his adventures to Yifan, and they laugh about the younger male’s lack of finesse and inability to handle his alcohol. It’s easy to talk with Yifan about anything, as if they didn’t disconnect from each other years ago. Throughout their different conversations over the weeks, Baekhyun shares little stories about what Yifan was like back when they were in high school. When he’s feeling especially courageous, he will tell tales from when they were together, only the moments that don’t let on about their relationship. He isn’t ready to tell Yifan that they were once madly in love with each other. It’s going to be awhile until he’s comfortable, if ever. He likes how things are now with Yifan, anyway. Things don’t need to change any time soon. If a platonic friendship is all he’ll ever get from Yifan, Baekhyun is fine with that, too.

After every time they hang up, Baekhyun pulls out a journal he bought specifically to jot down some notes about their conversations. He doesn’t want to forget the silly things Yifan says and the tidbits of his life. In the beginning, he has barely legible handwriting recounting the first intimate conversation they had. Yifan talked about how his strange dreams started after the accident and the inspiration he drew from them to start his career as an artist. Baekhyun felt a little uneasy part way through, but the way Yifan described some of his dreams in-depth caused the former to believe Yifan was subconsciously reliving lost memories. After this revelation, it warmed Baekhyun’s heart to know all of Yifan’s paintings are a collection of his fondest moments with Baekhyun, even if he doesn’t know it. 



“I know it’s bad to stir up , but I’m surprised by the steady change in you. It was three months ago when you had your little fit in the back room and now you’re reborn,” Chanyeol comments as they begin to close up Nini’s for the night. 

Baekhyun flushes pink when he thinks back to the day he acted like a brat and contemplates apologizing to Chanyeol. It wasn’t exactly his proudest moment. He settles for shooting a tender smile Chanyeol’s way. 

“Things change, for the better sometimes,” Baekhyun says and makes sure all the lights are turned off before locking the front door. 

“I’m h-happy for you. I hope things only c-continue to go uphill from here,” Chanyeol shudders out and folds his arms over his chest. The night is chillier than usual, and the moon glows above them gracefully. 

“Thanks. I hope things work out between you and Jongin,” Baekhyun calls out as he’s running down the street. He hears Chanyeol’s sputtering in the distance and laughs under his breath. Everyone with half a brain can tell the two young men are just smitten, but they both refuse to make the first move. 

The bus is crowded when it pulls up to the curb, so Baekhyun has to cling to a pole as they make their way around the city. The sharp turns and sudden stops give his heart quite the startle, but it’s nothing he can’t handle. He apologizes to the old woman sitting in front of him for nearly crushing her bag of oranges with his feet every other block.

Baekhyun thanks the heavens for blessing him with a roof over his head because he knows he isn’t tough enough to fight the ever dropping temperature outside. He turns on the heater in his apartment as soon as he can and grabs a spare blanket from his closet, throwing it over his shoulders and dragging it around with him. His refrigerator is empty as always, so he calls for a pizza tonight instead of making a spam sandwich for the third day in a row. As he waits for his hot deliciousness to arrive, he watches the evening news rerun. Two businesses in his neighborhood have been ransacked, so constant vigilance is advised. A bus of children were taken hostage for an hour until negotiators were able to calm down the deranged woman. And to top things off, his favorite movie theater caught on fire and will be under renovations throughout the autumn and winter. 

From Wu Yifan 20:38
I know it’s only Wednesday, but are you free for an impromptu phone call? 

Baekhyun answers him by calling him up. It never takes more than two dial tones for Yifan to pick up. Baekhyun likes to about his eagerness every opportunity he gets. 

“I guess you were missing me so much that you just had to call today, huh?” he remarks as he turns off the television, so he can focus all his attention on the other. 

“I guess you can say that. Whatever helps you sleep at night. So how was work today?” 

“It was the usual. Some kid peed his pants, and his mother wasn’t happy about that at all. And oh! I think Chanyeol might finally —” 

Ding dong

Baekhyun scrambles onto his feet, and for the first time in his life, he isn’t happy to see the pizza man at his door. He crams a wad of crumpled up bills into the man’s hands in exchange for his food and shuts the door behind him. 

“As I was saying I think Chanyeol might finally confess to Jongin. It’s so annoying that they haven’t boned each other already because I can sense the between them whenever Jongin comes in to do his boss thing. It’s thicker than their skulls,” Baekhyun states as he opens up the pizza box and takes a long whiff of the cheesy aroma. 

“Why don’t you work your Byun Baekhyun magic on them? I’m pretty sure a gentle nudge will get them going,” Yifan suggests. 

“I’ve tried that already! The other day, I literally tripped Chanyeol, and he fell on top of Jongin like they were in an anime. Do you know what they did?” Baekhyun is now sitting on the edge of his sofa, gripping onto his phone tightly.

“No, but please do tell me,” the elder invites him and chuckles, as if he could see Baekhyun all the way from China. 

“They apologized to each other! Like what the hell? Chanyeol should have offered to blow him in the freezer section,” Baekhyun whines. 

“Maybe he’ll do it next time, but try not to break the man’s nose.” 

Baekhyun lets out a heavy sigh and picks up a slice of pizza, nibbling on the cheesy strings hanging off the sides. He hates it when people turn down the opportunity to get laid when it’s right at their fingertips. He would totally take Jongin to the back room if his boss wasn’t in cahoots with Chanyeol. 

“Anyway, you might be wondering why I wanted to talk to you so early in the week, right?” Yifan asks after a bit of silence. 

Baekhyun has had all sorts of weird things happen to him, so a phone call from out of the blue isn’t exactly life-changing to him. “Not really,” he admits. “But you have piqued my interest now.” He hears Yifan clear his throat and some paper rustling. 

“Well, I’m going to be in town again next week for a couple days. The exhibit from last time was a hit, so the director invited me and the others back. And I was wondering if you’d like to hang out for a day or two. I understand if you don’t want to see me because we both have reasons to back out with you being a danger to my friend downstairs and me —”

“I didn’t waste hundreds of minutes talking to you over the phone just to turn you down. I’m not scared anymore, so I’d love to see you again,” Baekhyun assuages Yifan’s worries. It’s funny how the roles have been reversed. He feels bad for the guy when he hears him heave a sigh of relief over the line. 

“That’s great to hear. I have to go now to make last-minute arrangements, but it was nice getting to talk to you. I’ll see you next week!” Before Baekhyun can say goodbye, Yifan hangs up on him. The abrupt end to their call stings a little, but soon the feeling is replaced by elation. He didn’t know when they were going to meet again, and now it seems like it’ll be sooner than he thought. Things will be different this time around since they’re familiar with one another, and Baekhyun has come to terms with their friendship. He just hopes that he doesn’t manage to mess things up again with his stupid luck.



Baekhyun and Yifan arrange to meet the day after the elder arrives, allowing for the jet lag to pass. They agree on a bubble tea shop that Baekhyun swears was once Yifan’s favorite. Baekhyun arrives half an hour early because he’s been freaking out over this day for the past week. He couldn’t sleep last night since all he could think about was the mistakes he could possibly make. The cashier behind the counter eyes the three empty cups in front of Baekhyun warily, but doesn’t say a word because business is business. 

Maybe downing all this sugar wasn’t a good idea. Baekhyun can’t sit still as he waits for Yifan to arrive. He’s checked his phone ten times over to make sure he sent him the correct address and is tempted to shoot him a quick message to make sure he hasn’t die on the way here. All his worrying is for nothing when Yifan walks in through the front door and smiles at him when their eyes meets. Baekhyun nearly bursts from happiness, but his bladder decides to ruin the moment. He gives Yifan an apologetic look just as he approaches the table, and Baekhyun darts for the bathroom. 

While he’s alone with his thoughts, Baekhyun tries to collect his thoughts. They’re all over the place after seeing Yifan again. He thought he was emotionally prepared for this moment, but boy was he wrong. It isn’t like he’s terrified of the man’s intentions anymore, but of his own. He came here knowing fully well this was strictly a platonic thing and believed his feelings were buried six feet under, where they belong. His plans of having a friendly get-together were thrown out the window the moment Yifan arrived. Thankfully he chugged down more bubble tea than he should have because it has bought him some time to think. There’s no way he can go back out there with a straight face. When him and Yifan were a thing, Baekhyun was always heads over heels for him. He was never scared to show off his affections and smiled like a crazed schoolgirl. 

There’s a knock on the door. “Everything alright in there? Did you fall into the toilet, because my grandmother has had that happen to her a few times —”

“I’m still alive, and my is dry,” Baekhyun answers and swings the door open. He nearly runs into Yifan and keeps his eyes on the floor as they head back to the table. It seems like Yifan had cleaned up a bit while Baekhyun was gone and ordered drinks for them. 

“You shouldn’t have,” Baekhyun mutters, staring at his strawberry bubble tea with a green straw. It’s something he’d always get when they were together. He makes a grab for it, but Yifan is faster than him.

“I know. Neither of them are for you,” Yifan teases and takes one cup in each hand. 

Baekhyun stares at him wide-eyed. “I prefer you over the phone because you’re not a total halfway around the world.” He doesn’t take his words back when Yifan hands over his drink and hums in delight as he takes a sip. 

“So when does the exhibit open up?” Baekhyun asks, stirring around the tapioca in his cup.

“Actually, I’m going to have a permanent installation down at the gallery, and the director has commissioned me to come up with a couple new pieces, too,” Yifan shares with delight, keeping his eyes on Baekhyun the entire time. 

Baekhyun furrows his brows in confusion and stills his hands. He doesn’t understand what any of this means because the art world is foreign to him and looks at Yifan, giving him a dumbfounded look. 

“I’m going to be staying here for a little longer than intended, and probably for the rest of my life.” 

Baekhyun continues to draw a blank. The point Yifan is trying to make evades him completely. “Why would you do that? I thought you loved living in China because your family’s there. Won’t you miss home?” 

“But I’m already home,” Yifan says earnestly, reaching over the table to take Baekhyun’s hands in his. 

And the lightbulb in Baekhyun’s head finally flickers on. He understands everything, but he isn’t sure if he can handle it. “Y-your memories… they’re back? When?”

Yifan shakes his head and gives Baekhyun’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I still don’t remember , but I do know that whenever I talk with you, I am much more at peace. And the stories you tell me, I feel like I’ve heard them before, but I just don’t remember from where.”

“So what exactly are you trying to tell me?” Baekhyun has an inkling of what it may be, but he wants to hear Yifan say it, to know that he isn’t reading the signs incorrectly. 

“I like you, Baekhyun, and not because you remind me of the young man in my paintings, but because you’re you. If you give me the chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”

Baekhyun can’t believe he’s been graced with another chance, and he swears to never let Yifan slip away from his fingers this time. He thinks about asking Yifan to move in with him, but it’s too soon. They’ll take things one step at a time. Maybe when they’re ready, he’ll show Yifan the room he’s kept locked all these years and let the memories drown them. Even if Yifan never remembers things fully, they have the rest of their lives to build new ones.