Back then; he took everything as a joke. Even himself. It was hard to say if he was under depression or not, because depression came knocking slowly at your life. It asked you to run away and Junhong never ran away. Even if his parents kicked him out; even if he fell out to the road, even if he had to sell his body to make a living, he never ran away from it. He accepted what came to him as his life, and tried to get past it. He wasn’t in control; but was under the illusion he was.

Yongguk was different. When he took Junhong to a hotel, all he wanted was a day off his studies to let go of himself completely and have fun, spend his youth as he should. He never expected himself to get stuck on Junhong, turn him into a regular in his bed and to ever fall in love.

Now that the two had turned back to where they came from; more assured they became that it had never been love at first sight. When they first met; lust burnt them inside out. Zelo was a strip dancer and Yongguk was a regular for Fridays that called the two a taxi to get into the Zelos pants.

Things started with glass paper bags.
Yongguk filled them with cherry tomatoes and filled Zelos heart with hope of a better day. Yongguk never turned himself into a lover, but through the years he managed through school and exhausted himself for college entrance exams, Yongguk was his mentor.

Every morning, he’d ask himself what Yongguk had once asked him in a cocky smile, tucking a strip of hair behind his ear.

“Aren’t you better than that, Zelo? The person inside you, the one you hide behind this silly name – is better than this, isn’t he? The real you want out, doesn’t he?” and the answer to every question turned to be an obvious yes. Even if it came harshly, Yongguk was the one who asked him the questions no one else had.

“What are you going to do ten years later when people won’t pay for your ?”

Junhong always told himself that Yongguk was just being human; but human wasn’t something Junhong had been acquainted with. His parents weren’t the best of the world, even after the divorce. He never really had the courage to meet with his friends in school after his parents disinherited him for his ual orientation – and the only others he had been close to was Himchan and Jongup; and they weren’t complete as humans either. Yongguk was a person and he was a complete one; and no matter how many times Zelo had told himself not to like one bit of Yongguk other than his , he couldn’t help it.

Love wasn’t a choice.

He quit his life as Zelo to be someone in this world – and four years like that was nothing more than suffering. Choosing the right path was never easy. Working full time moving cargo boxes got him exhausted and self-studying (as rewarding as it was) wasn’t easy either. He could pay tuition for only one class, and through the hardship – he asked himself the same question everyday – and kept going.

Four years he lived, nurturing his mind.

On a cold December; he walked back home to Himchan and Jongup with a letter that said he passed with a sixty three percent scholarship to study medicine; they all cried. Seated in a large hall-room filled with freshman, listening to the professor welcome them all to medical college, Junhong thought back to Yongguk.

He wanted to visit him.
One last time.

If the chance comes, he would smile and look at Yongguk in his eyes and thank him with his heart. If Yongguk wouldn’t push him away, Junhong just wanted to say he loved him.
If Yongguk didn’t mind, he just wanted one last hug.

He would hold onto Yongguks warmth for the rest of his life and live with his head high.

Then, Junhong can bid Yongguk good-bye.
Let his memories sink into the sea – and maybe start afresh.

If he’s allowed, just a simple kiss – to warm his heart and to let him know that it’s still beating and alive.
Maybe Yongguk can tell him he can fall in love again.

Chest tight with his feelings surfacing, Junhong changed his foot walk to the bus in the evening to the opposite side, and wished that Yongguk still lived there. His hands were empty in his pockets as he waited with his them in fists in his pockets; half expecting someone else to open the door. But his heart was full.

Yongguk opened the doo