Cross-posted on Drugon Multishop
A story by allidoiswin
 

Wolves or Wizard

Title [3/5]

Your title pretty much tells me what I should expect but it’s also a little too hackneyed for me. It is a working title but I think you can do so much better than this.

Foreword [3/5]

Your foreword was both exciting and enticing at the first part but then the “What to expect” appeared, it somehow created a disconnect and ruined the momentum for the readers. It will be well noted that you could add these snippets of your actual writing without the “what to expect” part.

Grammar & Spelling [13/20]

Grammar wise, I have no qualms because more or less it’s good but then again, you could use a beta to improve sentence structure and word usage. Some parts have inconsistent tenses but nothing that can’t be understood. And then there’s the use of correct punctuation, since I saw a few hanging sentences without a period, or a question mark, sometimes even replacing exclamation points with mere periods. These punctuations are used to relay emotions so you need to pretty much make us of them properly.  And then there are some parts that really need checking... Please refer to the examples below. Spelling was almost spotless, so good job there! A few typos here and there and then the way Kris was called, as it was a bit awkward and weird.

Example:

“They have a great plan, but we eavesdropped most of it.” Eavesdrop was a good word but this does not quite fit. But if you are intent on using this word then I suggest you rephrase.

 “...they flew in or shape shirted or were invisible.” Uh, was this intentional or a typo?

“...were climbing and tree and fighting.” I think you can figure this one out.

These are the grammar and points of improvement for chapters 1 and 2, I won’t include the other chapters since I don’t want to spend the whole review commenting it.

Plot [16/20]

The plot was great, since I’m not really a fan of supernatural and fantasy genres, this one was a good read for me (thoroughly enjoyed it). It also reminded me of Harry Potter a bit, with the rivalry of wolves and wizards. However the antagonism of the two races was left unexplained. Why the actual antagonism between wizards and wolves. I get that yes they are rivals and that they want to kill each other to survive as two separate groups but the whole reason why wolves and wizards are pitted against each other remained as a question. There needs to be some sort of explanation, a back story that would explain the rift between them.

Characterization [12/15]

I love how the dynamics of the relationship revolved, considering that they were a pack. The development of each character and their interaction with one another was superb. I love how every one of your characters have stood up with their own distinct personalities.

However the development between Luhan and Sehun was a bit forced, if I may say. The connection with Lay and Sehun was very apparent but then it shifted too abruptly. Given that Sehun was infatuated with Lay, the progression of Sehun and Luhan’s relationship into a ual one was a bit too rushed.

Flow [13/15]

The flow of the story was just right. Leaving unanswered questions and cliffhangers were good as it makes you anticipate for more. The inserts of the M rated chapters were a bit off, given that I have noted that the progression of the relationship was off between Luhan and Sehun. But all in all, it was good.

Readability [5/5]

These are just perfect, sticking to the conventional font styles and color is after all, still the best way to go.

Overall Enjoyment [13/15]

It was fun, the dynamics of the relationships and the continuous banter was a really good part for me. I enjoyed reading it despite the pointed errors. I enjoyed it so much so that

I was even rooting for one side, (TEAM WOLVES FTW) and was in no way biased (screaming KYUNGSOO internally).  And for all it’s worth, I am now your fan. :)

Suggestions

I know this may be rude but this is for the improvement of your story, I strongly suggest that you find a beta reader for your story. It is a promising story after all, with all the complexities and exciting action, it will be beneficial to have a fresh new perspective for your story.

And a little reminder, you are writing a fanfic, and these characters, despite fictional ones, are still real people, so it would matter that you base your characterization to their real life personas but do not, in any way be restricted by it.

Total [78/100]