Ever since we moved to Seoul, Mei Xuan has been acting… weird. She’s been buying these facial products like BB cream, CC cream and I don’t even know what else. There's just too many to even count. She’s been spending her money like her life depended on it and she often locks herself up in her room. She’s also been eating a lot lesser than usual lately, claiming she’s not “hungry”. But I’ve known her for 16 years of her life – she eats like a pig. There’s no way she’d not be hungry...

Ma says that it’s probably just because she’s still adapting to the surroundings, while Pa has been too busy to even care, but that’s typical Pa. Like traditional Chinese culture, he wouldn’t interfere with domestic affairs most of the time, unless it was a life and death emergency. But I think it’s more than what Ma claims, Mei Xuan is really acting too out of place and abnormal to the point where I think I should intervene. It’s what an older brother should do for his little sister.

Normally I would be out at the Underground or at home writing lyrics and producing music, but I thought it was time I paid my sister’s school a visit. So, I took my headphones, smartphone and wallet, and told my mom that I would pick Mei Xuan from school before I stepped out of the house.

On the way to her school, I was listening to the beats that I had composed last night and was thinking of what to write about. I was a freestyle rapper and singer at the age of 19, dreaming of become a solo artist in Seoul. But all I had in my mind at the moment was my sister. I had so many doubts and questions about her, wondering why she had become so weird all of a sudden. As her brother, I was seriously worried! Where did the Mei Xuan I once knew go?

It was 3 PM and her school ended, I saw groups of school girls and boys streaming out of their classes and exiting the school through the main gate. I tried to look out for the chocolate amongst the sea of vanilla, but I just couldn’t seem to spot my tanned sister. I sighed in frustration as I tapped my foot against the ground, waiting impatiently for Mei Xuan to step out of school.

Then, something caught my eye.

There was a group of pretty Korean girls, whom I assumed were the so-called “Queen-kas” like in the Korean dramas I used to watch. It wasn’t just their looks, but it was their vibe too. They all looked like plastic Barbie dolls, and they seemed to look alike with their porcelain faces. They didn’t really talk or do anything besides walk, yet they had the biggest groups amongst all the groups I’ve seen, boys and girls surrounded them as if they were some magnet so I didn’t understand why or how they could attract such a huge crowd. I bet they all went under the knife to fix something because they all look so fake that it kind of disgusted me.

I wanted to look away and I would much rather look at the passing cars than their faces, but there seemed to be this odd looking, tall figure following that group from a distance. Her bangs covered her face and she was looking down, as if ashamed. When she exited the school, I got a closer look at her and it was… Mei Xuan! I widened my eyes in disbelief and shock, I could barely even recognise my own sister anymore…

Right before she could pass me, I grabbed her by her arm and she immediately pulled back in reflex, looking up at me. When I could see her face up close, I jumped and harshly shouted at her, “Holy ! You look like a damn ghost during Qing Ming Festival and you scared the outta me!”

She quickly looked down and covered her face bashfully, as if embarrassed by what I had said. I sighed and rolled my eyes, placing my hands on my hips. I had no idea why she was being so unusual but I was determined to find out why today. Since she was not responding, I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to an abandoned and old spiral staircase along the alleyway.

I continued, “Why on earth do you look so unnaturally white? You know I almost couldn’t recognise you? What is Ma going to say when she sees you like this? This isn’t you, Mei!”                                

She sniffled a little but said nothing. I was really getting pissed off at her and I needed answers from her so I guess I’ll just have to do this the hard way.

“The is wrong with you? Are you even my sister? Huh? Are you Mei Xuan? Are you my most beloved tanned, tomboyish, loud sister? Are you?!” I screamed at her. I lightly shoved her shoulder yet she still said nothing. All I could hear were my echoes and her quiet sobs.

And I had had enough of her bull.

I firmly grabbed her by both her shoulders and commanded sternly, “Look at Ge.”

She did not.

I said it again, but firmer and fiercer, “Look at me, Mei Xuan. Look me in the ing eye and tell me the truth.”

Yet, she continued to cry. And I had never been so angry at her in my life.

“Huang. Mei. Xuan. I don’t have to say this again. Look at Ge and tell me what’s wrong.”

This time, I waited a little more patiently as I never broke eye-contact with her. She slowly and hesitantly tilted her head up to look at me as tears were rolling down her cheeks like rain droplets from the sky. She looked so helpless and weak, nothing like I’ve ever seen before. I’ve always seen my sister as tough and strong with some masculinity in her blood from Pa, but today, I had been thrown completely off-guard by her sensitivity. I realised that she was just a 16 year old girl going through puberty like any normal person. She has feelings, a side of sensitivity and wasn’t as tough as I had always thought. She could still crack and break like anyone else. Sometimes I would forget how fragile she might actually be…

She cried out, “Ge… I’m so sorry. I just want to fit in, but no matter how hard I try, they still call me names like mono lid, a piece of and an ugly duckling. Those girls bully me and push me around as if I was trash. They… they even told me to go back to my own country and that… that I was such a damn eyesore!” 

She broke down and squatted by the wall, sobbing loudly. She then curled herself into a ball and continued sobbing. My heart ached at the sight of her crying, she was so hurt and insecure because of how different she was from those girls when she could just love herself and be herself. My heart felt as if knives of guilt were piercing through my heart. It was as if I could feel the pain she was feeling although I probably don’t even know the whole story of what she went through.

I squatted down beside her and hugged her tightly, as I rubbed small circles on her back and gently hushed her. Tears were welling up in my eyes as well, but I controlled them from spilling as I didn’t want her to see me cry – I had to stay strong for her. I just let her continue crying her heart out until she was content and soon after, her loud wails and sobs turned to whimpers and sniffles as her body shivered, trying desperately to catch a breath. I took out the tissues from the side compartment of her bag that Ma always puts for emergencies and wiped away the remaining tears on her face. After I was done wiping away her tears, she muttered a soft ‘thanks’ to me and sniffled a little, blowing into the tissue I passed to her.

When she had calmed down a little more, I walked with her to a convenience store to get two bottles of Chinese tea. We sat outside the convenience store by the benches and she relayed to me her whole story from head to toe.

“It started with the name calling and the teasing because of how different I was from everyone. Even though I was kinda pissed about it, I tried to ignore it. But it only got worse. They started pushing me around and bullying me. Some of the girls even got the guys to hit me and slap me in the face. Then someone called Yoonhye introduced me to all the different dieting trends, facial products and she even encourage me to undergo plastic surgery. She said it was a norm in Korea and she said a minority like me should try to fit in to integrate with people better.”

I got angry at this “Yoonhye” girl for saying such things to Mei Xuan and interrupted her, “ her, you shouldn’t need to fit in! Yeah you may be a minority here, but that doesn’t mean you have to change yourself to become one of those… Barbies. You still have your culture in China, your deep rooted morals from Confucius and you should treasure the looks and the identity you have been given by the Gods.”

“I know I know… but everyone was just like a rose in the garden and I was like- the thorn or the cactus in the garden. I wanted to be accepted so badly, to have people who like me. I was so self-conscious of who I am that I tried to change everything bad about myself to become perfect, like everyone else. I started barfing up my food and starving, buying facial products that made my face look brighter and whiter, yet they never, ever accepted me… Then they started leaving notes on my table to tell me to go die because they didn’t want to see my face whereas some of the guys would punch me in the face.”

She looked absolutely devastated and broken, what the students had done to my Mei Xuan was irreversible and unacceptable. I was flabbergasted and shocked at what those students could do, Mei Xuan had to deal with so much in school and what she did was equally shocking. This was serious, this was a form of bullying and this had to stop.

She sighed and drunk more of her tea as I let her words seep in further. Once she looked at me again, I spoke.

“Some people are gonna hate you, but some people are gonna love you. The most important thing is that you love yourself and that you’re happy with who you are. There isn’t any specific beauty standard or law that you have to follow. Who you are is not obligated by the beauty standards in Seoul. You shouldn’t have to feel bad about who you are and resort to those terrible, unlawful methods to change yourself. Did you know? Each snowflake is different from the rest, no snowflake is the exact same as another. And you’re like my little snowflake, you shouldn’t have to be like the rest. Why bother? The beauty of people is that we are all unique, we may have our similarities, but we also have our differences. We should be proud of our differences no matter what because it sets us apart from others, it makes us special. More importantly, we have our own identity that we can call our own. Just be yourself, because everyone else is already taken, Mei. The sooner you realise this, the easier it is to be yourself. At the end of the day, we are who we are. No one can change us for who we are.”

She let out a small chuckle and replied, “Maybe you should write a song about that, I think what you said was pretty much gold.”

I chuckled back and said, “Yeah I probably should. It’s rare that I can verbalise such golden advice, but anything is possible for my Mei Xuan.” I smiled and ruffled her hair, causing her to break out into a smile as she smacked away my hand.

“Yah, don’t ing mess up my hair!” She laughed out loud and so did I. I was glad that she was back to being who she truly is because she was such a brave fighter to be who she was and I couldn’t be more proud. We then stood up and due to the sentimentality of the situation, I couldn’t help but pull her into an embrace, to which she responded with a whine and the classic disgusted look that had ‘this is the corniest thing ever’ written all over her face. Nevertheless, she hugged back tightly and lovingly.

Yes, this was my sister, Huang Mei Xuan. A little vulgar and violent, but a soft and sensitive sheep at times. She was my precious, little sister who I would always love and protect. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my little sister and nothing she wouldn’t do for me. I suppose you could say that kinship love wins over any other love because this kind of love – despite being overlooked, is unconditional and the most powerful love you could ever get.