Last time I saw you, it was very early in the morning. It was still a bit dark and the sun hasn’t took its usual place in the sky. You looked at me. I looked at you with the same affectionate eyes. You smiled at me, and I smiled at you. Then I felt this thump in my stomach and eyes and I pulled away from the moment. And I immediately turned my back and walked away. Realizing that you’re already okay after that thing. And it’s funny that I’m still holding on to every single promise you gave to me. Laughing at myself, and envying you for being able to get over our long time mess.

Tears marched in my face like ruthless soldiers. My whole existence is trembling right on the spot. Trying to stipple the noise I’m making and hiding behind my face mask.

And heaven is such a good sadist because for the second time, we bumped into each other again. It was still dark. No students are present, it’s like a stage set for us. I can see the way you look at me. Such a shameful sight, right. Seeing the terrible sight of me. Crying. Vulnerable. Wrecked. Messed up.

“What’s wrong?” You asked. Standing still and looking at me.

I did my best to compose my voice, and my self. It’s very difficult to speak up when my jaw’s trembling and I’m holding everything intact.

“Nothing.” I managed to reply.

“Tell me. I know something’s not right. I know that face.” You said. Your brown eyes seeing through me over and over again.

YOU KNOW THIS FACE. RIGHT. YOU LEFT THIS FACE RIGHT. YOU LEFT ME. YOU KISSED THIS FACE. YOU HELD THIS IN YOUR HANDS. YOU PINCHED THIS. YOU LOOKED AT THIS SEVERAL TIMES. YOU LEFT THIS FACE. OF COURSE YOU KNOW THIS FACE.

I just looked at you. I don’t understand why you have to ask. You can just simply look and not mind at all. You’re so good at that.

I removed my face mask. What’s there to hide? When you have touched and seen my ness several times. There’s nothing left to hide. I let you see this terrible sight. I let you look at how I’m deteriorating and my jaw’s even not that strong to held the trembling at bay.

I bit my lip hard. And steadied my breathing.

“Why is it so easy?” I asked, it’s almost like a whisper but I know you heard it.

You just stared at me. It’s like your pitying this ed up kid crying his heart out in front of you.

“Why is it so easy for you to throw me away and replace me? Why?” I asked again weakly. Trying to hold everything in place. Tears streaming down my face. Shoulders shaking uncontrollably.

You just stared at me. You sighed.

I know you’re not going to answer. I know.

I stared back at you even if my eye’s are betraying me with these tears. I walked towards you. And there’s your smell, entering my system again. I looked up at you, and I see you staring down at me.

I sighed. Now feeling tired after my emotional outburst.

“It’s okay. You’re not obligated to answer, ” I wiped my face and wore my face mask again. Now only my eyes can be seen and I looked at you again. “I accepted that you never loved me.”

There’s no tears this time. But I am struck in the chest with this sadness and it’s making me breathless. And this sadness is kicking my knees making them tremble and weak. Slowly, I walked forward, away from you.“

"I did love you.” You said.

I turned to look at you. My eyes are too tired to express the sadness drowning me already.

“Stop lying.”

Then I walked away like the rest of the world is watching and I don’t want to be shamed in front of them. The light of the morning touched my face, and I promised, I will be okay.