READER G: Mr. Strawberry Shortcake

As you have told us already that English is not your first language I wont go on about your grammatical errors in your fic.

But remember that a good fic needs a good base.

The story line was, manageable, if you were intending it to be a normal fic in the romance genre. The writing style, however, was not. It was too formal. If you were to have a usual romance fiction you would use less 'hard' words and use more adjectives and adverbs.

You should accentuate on certain events of the story to make it more significant to the rest. Such as when Yoona was to give Donghae the cake. Make it more descriptive.
If you're speaking in third person, we should be able to get all the characters' points of views clearly without 'being' the person. This, you did not manage. All I got was what was going on, what wasn't going on. I didn't feel much emotion.

You should also slide in the physical attributes of the characters more subtly instead of throwing in 'a tall girl'. And try not to use 'the girl'. Use her name. That's what her name is for.

Try using less brackets and use that extra information to make your story more descriptive in a natural way. Another thing you have to slide in subtly is the information. Try not to blurt out that they had been going out for '1 year, 2 months, and 24 days'. How do we know all of the sudden how we got there? Try replacing it with 'a while' or something along the lines of that.

The characters need to be described more. We need to know how their emotions are reacting to the other characters' actions. Without this, the fic just turns into an instruction sheet for what is supposed to happen.

If your English can improve, I'm sure the fic will improve as well. For now, try being more descriptive in the characters' actions, not just their tone of speech. And be careful with your grammar.

Writing: 7/10
Characters: 6/10
Story line: 8/10

READER N: Ms. Teddy Bear

Originality/Plot: 3/10 - The plot was not very original. Relationship ends, boy resolves emotional issues with ex-girlfriend prior to the relationship, couple gets back together.
Creativity:  6/10  - Though the plot wasn't original, your creativity partially made up for it. A lot of stories here on AFF barely scratch the surface with events occuring throughout the story. It seems as if they're better off with my one sentence summary stated above. But you added in differents things, giving a little more time to grasp what is going on.
Writing: 8/10 - I would have never suspected that English wasn't your first language since I found only small mistakes that anyone could have made. However, the whole time it felt like I was reading an essay rather than a fictional story. In literature, you should experiment things on your own, forget about what you learned in school. Besides grammar of course. Write as if you're talking, as if there was a narrator to the story. Otherwise people will get bored. Another thing, there were a lot of uneccessary things you added at the wrong time. Example: when Yoona and Donghae were talking to each other and you added in things about Leeteuk. That moment should belong to them only. I also suggest that you do not italicize certain words unless they're meant to have an emphasis on it. Little things like that can knock a reader off track because they're trying to read it as if the story is being told to them. Refrain from using too much dialogue right after another unless it's meant for readers to read it in a hurry and avoid using parenthesis all the time. Again, this is a fictional story, not an essay.
Timing of events: 10/10 - It wasn't too fast and it didn't feel rushed. Writing one-shots could be a little difficult with timing because you have to squeeze in neccessary information in just one thing rather than being able to scatter details in different chapters in a full fic. But you did a good job, so kudos to you.
Characters: 5/10 - Nothing was wrong with the characters, but nothing was good. Everyone besides Donghae did not have any emotions displayed. Simply actions. I suggest that you also describe the characters' physical appearances and give a little insight on their background. Example: you implied that Jessica had a new thing for Heechul but didn't mention anything about him. People who are unfamiliar with Super Junior and SNSD may get confused.
Comments: I like the fact that readers are able to read the sequel without having to read the prequel. I read both, but I'm only grading on the sequel. Overall, if I was not being a critic, I would enjoy the story and give you nothing but positive feedback. But because I am a writer myself who needs solid feedback to improve, I'm doing the same so that you can improve as well. I would love to read more stories from you in the future to see how far you've come ^-^